Birthday Surprises Chapter 36

Usual disclaimer: Not mine, don't sue. Please. Wish it were mine though. Ah, if only. Lolly, xxx.

Ok, thanks to everyone who reviewed. I didn't realise that that last chapter was a tad depressing. Hmm. Anyhoo, thanks. Oh, and the votes stand as follows:

Harry/Ginny: 41 votes

Not Harry/Ginny: 7 votes.

For those of you who don't know, the vote is about whether H/G is gonna happen - feel free to vote. Naomi, I told you sweetie - H/G rules!!! Tee hee.

********************************************************************

Sneaking up to Harry's room at five in the morning hadn't been one of Ginny's best ideas, but she wanted to see whether he was awake. She needed to talk to him. Creeping into the darkened room, she saw Harry was curled up on his bed, fast asleep. It looked like he was exhausted. She walked over to the desk, seeing an inky quill resting on its surface. There was no sign of the parchment though. She quietly knelt beside his bed and opened the drawer - sure enough, there was a piece of parchment folded into a small square and pushed into a corner. She took it out and unfolded it, wondering what it could be. She gaped as she read it - a list. A list of the dead. "Ginny?" Harry's voice was thick with sleep, and she turned to see Harry watching her.

"I..I didn't mean to.."

"It's ok. It's not as if it's private or anything."

"Why would you want to make a list?"

"It's the only way I'm going to stay sane - I write them down so that I know I'll never forget them. It's sort of my way of grieving for them. Write their names on paper, think about them for a bit, and then move on. Voldemort has a lot to pay for." Ginny stared. Until now, she had never really understood how Harry had felt. She turned her attention the one word printed at the top of the parchment. Remember.

"D'you want to talk about it?"

"Nah, it's ok. Honestly. There's nothing I can do for them now." Harry said. 'Apart from getting rid of Voldemort' he added silently.

"Right." Ginny looked at Harry for a long moment, trying to put her finger on just what seemed different. It was something in his manner - maybe his attitude. She couldn't figure it out.

"I should get back to bed." She mumbled.

"Yeah - have you slept at all tonight?"

"Yeah - a little bit." Ginny said, slightly defensively.

"Ok. You need more though."

"Harry," Ginny said seriously, "You are way too good at this fatherhood thing."

"Thanks." Harry said, smiling a little as he sank his head back into the pillows.

***

Ron watched Harry and Ginny carefully at breakfast the next morning - both seemed different. Ginny kept glancing at Harry, looking slightly puzzled, while Harry sat picking listlessly at his breakfast. His mind was clearly elsewhere.

"Are you going to St. Mungo's today?" He asked quietly. Ginny and Harry's heads snapped up, and they glanced at each other.

"D'you want to tell them or will I?" Harry mumbled.

"You can." Ginny said, biting her lip.

"Well, you're an Uncle." Harry said bluntly. Ron stared at him for a moment before grinning widely.

"Wait until Bill and Charlie hear about this - and the Twins!" He said, his eyes alight with eagerness.

"I'm an Uncle!"

"Hey, wait a minute - you do know that you can't owl anyone and tell them about this?"

"Why not?"

"Ron, what do you think Voldemort would do if he knew I had kids?"

"Oh. But we can't just..not tell them. Mum?"

"Well, I'm not sure. Harry's right about the threat to them. Maybe we could invite everyone over for dinner. What do you think, Harry?" Harry looked towards Ginny, who looked as if she was trying desperately to disappear.

"Gin? Are you ok?" He asked quietly. She met his eyes and bit her lip.

"I'm...." She trailed off, looking away from the concern in his eyes.

"Ginny dear, what's wrong?" Molly asked.

"Hey Gin, aren't you happy?" Ron asked. Ginny pushed her chair back from the table and left without another word.

"What's wrong with her?" Ron asked stupidly.

"She's not ready for all this." Harry said. "Can I go, please?" He asked Molly.

"But you've hardly eaten anything!" Molly protested.

"I'm not really very hungry." Harry said. Molly sighed and then nodded.

"Where are you going?" Hermione asked as he made his way back to the back door.

"I'm going to talk to Ginny."

"I'll come." Hermione volunteered.

"Umm..would you mind if I went alone?" Harry said.

"Why?" Ron looked slightly suspicious, and Harry rolled his eyes.

"Because if you went, you'd make things worse. Besides, I have some idea of what she's feeling."

"Off you go, dear." Molly said. As Harry walked out into the garden, he heard Molly and Ron quarrelling.

***

Ginny froze as Harry sat down next to her. He didn't look at her though. He stared out across the lake.

"Want to talk about it?" He murmured.

"Not really." Ginny replied, tracing his profile with her eyes.

"Ok." Harry said. His easy acceptance surprised her - he had obviously come out here to talk to her, but he wasn't talking, and she didn't want to. She had been staring at Harry for a while, and turned away quickly, trying to force back the flush that crept into her cheeks. Harry didn't move a muscle. His eyes were still focussed on the other side of the lake.

"I don't know how to deal with this." Ginny murmured. Harry still didn't move.

"What do you want?" He asked.

"I don't know. I want to be there for them..I want to be their mother, but..I can't. Not yet. I'm sixteen. I can't even use magic out of school yet."

"Is that what's bothering you? Your age?"

"I guess so."

"I'm only seventeen." Harry said. Ginny was getting slightly irritated by the fact that he seemed determined not to look at her.

"You aren't even willing to look at me anymore? I told you - I just wanted things to stay the same. But you can't even look at me now." Ginny said angrily. Harry turned to look at her and she immediately looked away.

"Things have changed." He murmured. "But that doesn't mean that we aren't friends." He put his arm around her shoulder and she gave up trying to be strong. She wept onto his shoulder for a while, thinking about everything.

"You don't have to do anything that you don't want to, you know." He murmured.

"I know, but..I just don't know what I want." Ginny sobbed onto his shoulder.

"It's been a lot to take in, hasn't it?"

"Uh huh." Her tears were subsiding now, but she didn't want to move. She felt safe there, next to Harry. She looked up into his eyes and tried to sort out the tangle of emotion in their depths. She had realised what had changed in his manner - he looked peaceful.

"What's changed?" She asked.

"What do you mean?"

"Something about you has changed."

"Oh that. It's called acceptance. I've accepted that I'm a father, that I have to face Voldemort, and that I have to win."

"Acceptance. That's what I need. How did you accept it all?"

"You ask a lot of difficult questions, you know. How did I learn to accept everything? Well, you helped."

"I did?"

"Yeah. I don't know. I had all of this stuff piling up on top of me, all of which I was trying to fight. You have to let it all go - stop trying to fight what you can't change." Ginny looked up at Harry and saw that he was frowning slightly. "You have to stop thinking about the negative and focus on the positive."

"What's the positive in going off to fight Voldemort?"

"It'll be over. For good." Harry said, his voice very low. Ginny nodded. He was right. Think of the positive.

"What happens if you don't win?" She mumbled. Harry looked straight into her eyes.

"I'm not going to lose." He said, his voice filled with a quiet confidence that she hadn't heard before. "I won't lose because there's no alternative. I can't lose. We can't lose."

"Oh." Ginny murmured, returning her head to his shoulder.

"It helps to talk about it." Harry said.

"Does it?"

"Yeah. I know how it feels, remember?"

"You do? But..you seem so..sure of yourself."

"Yeah, now I am. I'd been looking after the kids for a while before I found out that they were my - our - children."

"Oh. Ok."