I look over to Sarah and see that she's gone. I turn my head from side to
side taking in everything going on. I see Jake sitting in the corner hiding
from Randle and smoking a cigarette. Peter is nowhere to be found. I look
around and see the others working their tails off. I'm starting to get
concerned that Sarah and Peter are gone. I think about her pretty face, and
then see Peter's solemn face only inches from hers. I know he's been
watching her, I just don't know what he's planning. I close my eyes and
count backwards from ten, trying to clear the thought from my mind.
Lunch comes a bit later, and then we clean up. When we get back to our quarters, I still can't find Sarah. I go over to my bed and wait for our free hour outside. When three thirty rolls around, Randle and the five guards on our district round us up, and we head out into the courtyard. I put on the same jacket that everyone else wears (standard issue), and head outside. The courtyard is a huge field in the back of the main building. There's nothing but dirt and rocks on the ground, no grass. I look out into the sky and see it's as gray as ever, then walk behind the big stonewall at the far end of the yard. I sit behind it so I can be alone. Everyone else plays Hackensack or something on the other end. I get to the opposite side of the wall and, to my surprise, there's Sarah, sitting with a cigarette in her mouth!
" What are you doing?" I ask wondering how she got out of the building without a key.
" Well that little clean-up business was just borin' me, so I decided to take a break!"
"For four hours?"
" What's wrong wit that?" She chuckles and pats the ground next to her, " Have a seat."
I sit down, not taking my eyes off of her.
" Why are you smoking? That's disgusting, not to mention illegal."
" Cause it tastes good."
" When did you start?"
" A good year 'go. My pops used to do it, so I picked up where he left off when he crocked." She doesn't seem to care about her father, and I can understand that coming from a family like mine.
" I guess you don't like your dad."
" Nope! Thought bout killin him once, but he died before I could!" This surprised me, I never felt like killing anyone.
" You can say that with pride? How can you live with a feeling like that?"
" Everyone's got them kind of feelings, I'm no different then your average loony."
" I've never wanted to kill anyone."
" Sure ya have, you just don't know it. I'm sure you've wanted to kill one of those guards, take his keys and scram out of this place. I thought bout it, then I saw that window in the cafeteria, and decided it'd be easier if I just climbed out that. Then I saw that yawl got those big 'ol fences there," she points to the fence in front of us that goes around the whole complex, " an I decided to have a little smoke break. Want one?" She takes the cigarette out of her mouth and holds it in front of me. I cough a bit from the smoke coming off one of the ends.
" No thanks, I don't do that kind of stuff. You shouldn't either. It's against the Masters rules and its bad for you."
" Fine with me." She puts it back in her mouth and puffs some more. " So what's your story? Why you such a loner?" I turn to her and frown.
" I'm not a loner, I just don't feel comfortable around people. As far as my story goes, I guess you just need to know that I've been here for six years and I'm fourteen years old. I never knew my dad because he left my mother when I was born. My mom, coincidently, turned out to be a drunk and ended up killing herself one night right in front of my sister and I. So we were sent to some foster parents after that, but I was still in shock at my mothers passing so I stayed in bed all the time. On some occasions I would get teased at school for being so quiet and I would start fights. I broke a kids nose once and sent another to the hospital. Because of that, I got sent here. Shortly after, my sister murdered our foster parents, and then killed herself." My eyes start to get heavy and I think I'm going to cry just thinking about her. I've tried to hold it in me all this time, but I guess I really can't take the pain. Whenever I think about her, I start to cry, and the guards take me away to Torture. No one can really understand the way I feel, and I don't think anyone cares. But then I look over to Sarah, and see that the cigarette has fallen to the ground and is burning out. She's staring right at me, almost with a sorrowful face. She looks like she's going to cry as well. It's odd to see her without a flashy smile or without a joking demeanor. She almost seems to have pity for me. " Wow, that's. sad. That's terrible, it's just.horrible. No wonder you're such a loner. I'm sorry." " It's o.k." She puts her hand on mind and I start to feel warm. I feel her hand and the cold seems to lift. It's almost as if her hand is a beam of light from the sun. She seems to notice what I'm feeling and she smiles and winks at me. " I'm guessing the only girl that you've ever held hands with was your sister. Well, I'll let you in on something; you're da first guy whose hand I've ever held. It feels good, right?" " Yeah." " Ya know, da first thing I noticed bout you was the way you shined. It's somethin' I can't describe, somethin' that no one can describe. Not many people have that attribute bout them, but the ones who do, are the people you can't live without. I wish I shined like you, but I don't. I can't describe how I know you shine, but I guess you could say I feel it. I know I've only known ya for about a day, but I feel like I've known you forever. When I look at you, I see so much of that goodness that's in you, but for some reason, you just never show any of that goodness. You just seem to shade yourself from everyone around ya, but I want ya to know dat you don't got to shade yourself from me. It may sound weird to ya, but I feel for you in a way I don't feel for anyone else. But I'm not sure what you would call this feeling." She's talking very quietly and I have to lean closer to her just to hear over the wind. " I don't find it odd at all, in fact, I feel the same way. I know we've only known each other for a day, but I feel the same way you do. But you're wrong in one aspect of your thinking; you do shine! You shine more than I ever could. When you came in, I noticed that nothing could faze you. That's what I like about you, and that's what I hope to see in the long run. In the meantime, I think that if we become friends, we'll survive this place and we'll pass the time quickly. So I'll ask you this: Will you be my friend, my only and best friend?" I look in her eyes and it seems like she's become sad because of what I said. She looks at our hands locked together and sighs. " Friends, huh? I guess if that's what ya had in mind." I'm guessing she wanted to take it a step further, but that's not possible. I just know that the Masters would find out, and then I'd lose her forever. That's something that can't happen. " I'll tell you what," I say with confidence, " When we get out of this place, how about we run away together? Do you think we could go somewhere away from people and live together? I'd like that." She looks back at me with a half smile. " Together? I was thinking that maybe we could be together now." I knew it! She does want to take it a step further. I guess that in a sense I want to as well, but in another sense, I don't want to. I keep thinking about what they'd do if they found out we were together. They'd separate us and I'd be alone. I don't want to be alone. I need her. I know she's going to need me as time goes by and she sees what it's like here. I don't want to kill what we have now by being separated. But it's not just that. I know that deep inside me, I'm not just scared of what the Masters will do, I guess I'm scared of failure. I'm scared of what would happen between us if we rushed into something before even thinking about it. I just don't want to lose her. " Doesn't it seem like we're rushing into things quite quickly? I hardly believe that we know enough about each other to be together this soon. Plus, if the Masters ever found out, they'd tear us apart from one another." " I'm willing to take that risk." " Are you really? Will you really be able to go on after they've found out we're together? Will you go on when you find out they're going to take me to a room especially designed for kids who disobey? Will you go on when you find out that their definition of therapy for me will be complete and utter torture? How will you feel when you hear about how they are torturing me? Will you still not care when you find out that they're putting me in blazing hot rooms for hours at a time stark naked, and then commencing to beat me with a leather strap or a belt? How will that make you feel? How do you think I'll feel when I hear that they've transferred you to solitaire for a month? And how will I feel when I hear that they're feeding you waste from the zoo animals in town, and mixing it with drugs? Are you still willing to take a risk after knowing what the penalty for breaking a rule like that is?" She's staring at me now, her hand is squeezing mine hard and I can see a vain on her knuckle. Her hand feels a bit colder and I can feel her trembling. " I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you, but that's just what they do to kids who become too attached. I've seen it happen, and I don't want to see it happen to you and I." Sarah turns her head to the gate spreading around the complex. Her hair, no loosened from the ponytail, is flowing to our right. I can only see the back of her head, but that's still beautiful enough for me. We hear a whistle being blown from the main building that indicates the end of our free time outside the building. She turns back towards me and smiles.
" I guess we should be going in now. I think we should keep this conversation on the down low if you catch my drift." She lets go of my hand and stands up, brushes the dirt from her hips, and commences to put her hair back in a ponytail.
" I guess you're right bout how we shouldn't be together right now but just remember that I've got my eye on ya! Remember that despite how ever cold it is here, your smile warms me up. I told ya once, and I'll tell ya again, I like ya. Call it love at first sight or whatever, I don't care, I still like ya. And despite these rules we have here, they aren't going to get me away from you. I just hope you feel the same way."
She turns around and walks around the wall back to the complex. I sit there for a minute just looking off into the distance. I put my head in- between my knees and start to cry. I really like her a lot, and I want to be with her, but I can't. I realize now just how much of a wimp I really am. I can't even take one little risk. Even though the consequences would be unbearable, wouldn't being with her be the ultimate happiness? I wonder these things as the guard finds me crying, picks me up, and takes me back inside, back to my home. He's taking me back to my prison. I don't want to go back, I just want to sit outside and cry. I want to feel the wind on my cheeks and feel that tingle the cold gives you when you don't move. I want to look to the sky and see that familiar gray that's always there. I don't want to live. Sarah was right, I have wanted to kill someone before. But this person wasn't someone I feared or someone who was mean to me. I hated this person, and for the most part I still do. This person makes me sick and makes me want to cry just realizing what he has become. I don't want to live. There's nothing for me to live for. No matter who comes along and no matter how much I like them, I can never truly love someone because it's against the rules. I don't want to live. I hate this man- no- this boy with a passion. He can't even fight for himself. I don't want to live.
When I am back in the complex, Sarah is gone, and so is Randle. I know where she is. This was her first offense, so she's only getting a warning this time. She may have skipped her duties as an inmate today, but she doesn't care. But if she does it again, she'll be sorry. Whoever I get close with, always ends up dying. This is why I have tried to separate myself from people. If Sarah dies, I'll be all alone. I can't take another one leaving me, not after my sister. This life is so cruel to me. I just wish I were dead.
I don't want to live.
Lunch comes a bit later, and then we clean up. When we get back to our quarters, I still can't find Sarah. I go over to my bed and wait for our free hour outside. When three thirty rolls around, Randle and the five guards on our district round us up, and we head out into the courtyard. I put on the same jacket that everyone else wears (standard issue), and head outside. The courtyard is a huge field in the back of the main building. There's nothing but dirt and rocks on the ground, no grass. I look out into the sky and see it's as gray as ever, then walk behind the big stonewall at the far end of the yard. I sit behind it so I can be alone. Everyone else plays Hackensack or something on the other end. I get to the opposite side of the wall and, to my surprise, there's Sarah, sitting with a cigarette in her mouth!
" What are you doing?" I ask wondering how she got out of the building without a key.
" Well that little clean-up business was just borin' me, so I decided to take a break!"
"For four hours?"
" What's wrong wit that?" She chuckles and pats the ground next to her, " Have a seat."
I sit down, not taking my eyes off of her.
" Why are you smoking? That's disgusting, not to mention illegal."
" Cause it tastes good."
" When did you start?"
" A good year 'go. My pops used to do it, so I picked up where he left off when he crocked." She doesn't seem to care about her father, and I can understand that coming from a family like mine.
" I guess you don't like your dad."
" Nope! Thought bout killin him once, but he died before I could!" This surprised me, I never felt like killing anyone.
" You can say that with pride? How can you live with a feeling like that?"
" Everyone's got them kind of feelings, I'm no different then your average loony."
" I've never wanted to kill anyone."
" Sure ya have, you just don't know it. I'm sure you've wanted to kill one of those guards, take his keys and scram out of this place. I thought bout it, then I saw that window in the cafeteria, and decided it'd be easier if I just climbed out that. Then I saw that yawl got those big 'ol fences there," she points to the fence in front of us that goes around the whole complex, " an I decided to have a little smoke break. Want one?" She takes the cigarette out of her mouth and holds it in front of me. I cough a bit from the smoke coming off one of the ends.
" No thanks, I don't do that kind of stuff. You shouldn't either. It's against the Masters rules and its bad for you."
" Fine with me." She puts it back in her mouth and puffs some more. " So what's your story? Why you such a loner?" I turn to her and frown.
" I'm not a loner, I just don't feel comfortable around people. As far as my story goes, I guess you just need to know that I've been here for six years and I'm fourteen years old. I never knew my dad because he left my mother when I was born. My mom, coincidently, turned out to be a drunk and ended up killing herself one night right in front of my sister and I. So we were sent to some foster parents after that, but I was still in shock at my mothers passing so I stayed in bed all the time. On some occasions I would get teased at school for being so quiet and I would start fights. I broke a kids nose once and sent another to the hospital. Because of that, I got sent here. Shortly after, my sister murdered our foster parents, and then killed herself." My eyes start to get heavy and I think I'm going to cry just thinking about her. I've tried to hold it in me all this time, but I guess I really can't take the pain. Whenever I think about her, I start to cry, and the guards take me away to Torture. No one can really understand the way I feel, and I don't think anyone cares. But then I look over to Sarah, and see that the cigarette has fallen to the ground and is burning out. She's staring right at me, almost with a sorrowful face. She looks like she's going to cry as well. It's odd to see her without a flashy smile or without a joking demeanor. She almost seems to have pity for me. " Wow, that's. sad. That's terrible, it's just.horrible. No wonder you're such a loner. I'm sorry." " It's o.k." She puts her hand on mind and I start to feel warm. I feel her hand and the cold seems to lift. It's almost as if her hand is a beam of light from the sun. She seems to notice what I'm feeling and she smiles and winks at me. " I'm guessing the only girl that you've ever held hands with was your sister. Well, I'll let you in on something; you're da first guy whose hand I've ever held. It feels good, right?" " Yeah." " Ya know, da first thing I noticed bout you was the way you shined. It's somethin' I can't describe, somethin' that no one can describe. Not many people have that attribute bout them, but the ones who do, are the people you can't live without. I wish I shined like you, but I don't. I can't describe how I know you shine, but I guess you could say I feel it. I know I've only known ya for about a day, but I feel like I've known you forever. When I look at you, I see so much of that goodness that's in you, but for some reason, you just never show any of that goodness. You just seem to shade yourself from everyone around ya, but I want ya to know dat you don't got to shade yourself from me. It may sound weird to ya, but I feel for you in a way I don't feel for anyone else. But I'm not sure what you would call this feeling." She's talking very quietly and I have to lean closer to her just to hear over the wind. " I don't find it odd at all, in fact, I feel the same way. I know we've only known each other for a day, but I feel the same way you do. But you're wrong in one aspect of your thinking; you do shine! You shine more than I ever could. When you came in, I noticed that nothing could faze you. That's what I like about you, and that's what I hope to see in the long run. In the meantime, I think that if we become friends, we'll survive this place and we'll pass the time quickly. So I'll ask you this: Will you be my friend, my only and best friend?" I look in her eyes and it seems like she's become sad because of what I said. She looks at our hands locked together and sighs. " Friends, huh? I guess if that's what ya had in mind." I'm guessing she wanted to take it a step further, but that's not possible. I just know that the Masters would find out, and then I'd lose her forever. That's something that can't happen. " I'll tell you what," I say with confidence, " When we get out of this place, how about we run away together? Do you think we could go somewhere away from people and live together? I'd like that." She looks back at me with a half smile. " Together? I was thinking that maybe we could be together now." I knew it! She does want to take it a step further. I guess that in a sense I want to as well, but in another sense, I don't want to. I keep thinking about what they'd do if they found out we were together. They'd separate us and I'd be alone. I don't want to be alone. I need her. I know she's going to need me as time goes by and she sees what it's like here. I don't want to kill what we have now by being separated. But it's not just that. I know that deep inside me, I'm not just scared of what the Masters will do, I guess I'm scared of failure. I'm scared of what would happen between us if we rushed into something before even thinking about it. I just don't want to lose her. " Doesn't it seem like we're rushing into things quite quickly? I hardly believe that we know enough about each other to be together this soon. Plus, if the Masters ever found out, they'd tear us apart from one another." " I'm willing to take that risk." " Are you really? Will you really be able to go on after they've found out we're together? Will you go on when you find out they're going to take me to a room especially designed for kids who disobey? Will you go on when you find out that their definition of therapy for me will be complete and utter torture? How will you feel when you hear about how they are torturing me? Will you still not care when you find out that they're putting me in blazing hot rooms for hours at a time stark naked, and then commencing to beat me with a leather strap or a belt? How will that make you feel? How do you think I'll feel when I hear that they've transferred you to solitaire for a month? And how will I feel when I hear that they're feeding you waste from the zoo animals in town, and mixing it with drugs? Are you still willing to take a risk after knowing what the penalty for breaking a rule like that is?" She's staring at me now, her hand is squeezing mine hard and I can see a vain on her knuckle. Her hand feels a bit colder and I can feel her trembling. " I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you, but that's just what they do to kids who become too attached. I've seen it happen, and I don't want to see it happen to you and I." Sarah turns her head to the gate spreading around the complex. Her hair, no loosened from the ponytail, is flowing to our right. I can only see the back of her head, but that's still beautiful enough for me. We hear a whistle being blown from the main building that indicates the end of our free time outside the building. She turns back towards me and smiles.
" I guess we should be going in now. I think we should keep this conversation on the down low if you catch my drift." She lets go of my hand and stands up, brushes the dirt from her hips, and commences to put her hair back in a ponytail.
" I guess you're right bout how we shouldn't be together right now but just remember that I've got my eye on ya! Remember that despite how ever cold it is here, your smile warms me up. I told ya once, and I'll tell ya again, I like ya. Call it love at first sight or whatever, I don't care, I still like ya. And despite these rules we have here, they aren't going to get me away from you. I just hope you feel the same way."
She turns around and walks around the wall back to the complex. I sit there for a minute just looking off into the distance. I put my head in- between my knees and start to cry. I really like her a lot, and I want to be with her, but I can't. I realize now just how much of a wimp I really am. I can't even take one little risk. Even though the consequences would be unbearable, wouldn't being with her be the ultimate happiness? I wonder these things as the guard finds me crying, picks me up, and takes me back inside, back to my home. He's taking me back to my prison. I don't want to go back, I just want to sit outside and cry. I want to feel the wind on my cheeks and feel that tingle the cold gives you when you don't move. I want to look to the sky and see that familiar gray that's always there. I don't want to live. Sarah was right, I have wanted to kill someone before. But this person wasn't someone I feared or someone who was mean to me. I hated this person, and for the most part I still do. This person makes me sick and makes me want to cry just realizing what he has become. I don't want to live. There's nothing for me to live for. No matter who comes along and no matter how much I like them, I can never truly love someone because it's against the rules. I don't want to live. I hate this man- no- this boy with a passion. He can't even fight for himself. I don't want to live.
When I am back in the complex, Sarah is gone, and so is Randle. I know where she is. This was her first offense, so she's only getting a warning this time. She may have skipped her duties as an inmate today, but she doesn't care. But if she does it again, she'll be sorry. Whoever I get close with, always ends up dying. This is why I have tried to separate myself from people. If Sarah dies, I'll be all alone. I can't take another one leaving me, not after my sister. This life is so cruel to me. I just wish I were dead.
I don't want to live.
