"What happened today, Max? You scared me, I thought- I thought you were
dead."
"I don't know. I guess I was just scared."
"Scared of what?"
"Of myself."
"What do you mean?"
"My other half."
"I don't understand."
"I have two sides, my good half and my bad half. My bad half got hold of me
today when I heard the word jealous. It's a problem that my mother and
sister had, and now I have it."
"Why jealous?"
"Because my other side warned me about that it."
"What did it say?"
"I can't tell you."
"Why not?"
"Because if I did, it'd get a hold of you too, and I wouldn't be able to
take that."
"I still don't understand."
"That may be a good thing, Sarah."
A week later a new Master arrives on our block. Master Trevor Bjorn arrives on Saturday, October 4th 1985 to take over Master Randle Patrick's job. Randle is now second in command. It's on this day that my district gets split up. Only twelve people stay on my district: Jennifer Rosales, Natalie Gulbis, Kent Jones, J. L. Lewis, Tim Herron, Alexia Cejka, Justin Rose, Laura Flesch, Billy Andrade, Shane, Sarah and myself. Everyone else is transferred to the E district while we stay on the B district on the far west side of the main building. Master Trevor and Master Randle are the two Master's in charge and they have three minions: Peter Hulbert, Phillip Price and Nicholas Flanagan.
Master Trevor is now in charge and calls everyone to a meeting in the recreation room. We all pull up seats and sit in a circle with the girls on the left and the boys on the right. Master Trevor and Master Randle sit in the front of the group. Trevor's got brown hair that's starting to bald on the top. He's got brown eyes and a couple of wrinkles on his brow. He's got just the slightest indication of a beard over his lip and when he smiles, it seems to disappear. He wears a pair of thin glasses that seem to small for him.
"Welcome boys and girls. I am Master Trevor Bjorn. I will be in charge now with Master Patrick as my assistant. Do you all understand?"
"Yes, Master Bjorn." We all say.
"Good." He looks at the clock on the wall. "It is now two P.M. At this time, four times a week, we will meet like this for a group session. During this time, we will have therapy to help us come to terms with why we're here. Some of you have had problems with your temper, others with stealing, others with underage gambling and, as I understand, one with murder." I look around at the group and see everyone doing the same. No one knows who the murderer is. "We will all try to figure out how to deal with our problems by discussion because it has come to my attention that Master Patrick has used other methods to deal with your problems." Randle steals a quick glance at Trevor with pure disgust. "I am here to be a councilor, a helper and a friend to all of you." It seems to me that he's nice to us. He seems different than the other Master's, but I still don't trust him. "Now, let us begin our first session. We will start with Mr. Shane, um, well it seems there is no last name written down here. Shane, may I ask why?" Shane looks up from the floor and stares straight at Master Trevor.
"I don't know. I've never had a last name that I haven't."
"Oh, I see. Well why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself, Shane."
Shane sighs and sags in his chair. He closes his eyes and smiles.
"Well what do you want to know?"
Master Trevor leans in a bit and smiles.
"Tell us why you murdered your father."
My jaw drops in shock and I see Sarah close her eyes and shake her head, to the left, then to the right. To think that Shane was a murderer! It seems hard to believe, but when I look at his face, I see his sorrow.
"Haha, well I guess he had it comin that he did!"
"What makes you say that?"
"The way he acted around my mother, yeah, he was a real jerk."
"Again, enlighten us."
"He beat her!"
"So you killed him?"
"I didn't mean too! I found that gun and, I guess, well, I just missed!"
"You missed?"
"I was aiming for his shoulder, I didn't want him to be able to hurt her!"
"Well, obviously that didn't work, right?"
Shane's eyes get furious and his voice seems lower.
"That's right, he strangled her the same night, that darn drunk!"
"I see." Trevor leans back and takes a deep breath. He flips the papers on his clipboard and sighs. He pushes his glasses up with his middle and index fingers and then looks at Shane. "So then you were tried in court and sent to a Juvenal Hall down in Mississippi, your home state. How did that go?"
"How do you think it went?"
"Well, obviously not well because it says here that you ran away after two months. Then, you were found on the streets of New Hampshire and placed in the Orange Orphanage, thirty miles south of here, correct?"
"Yeah, that's right."
"But then they figured out that you had a criminal record just two weeks after you arrived."
"And now I'm here." Shane finishes.
Trevor smiles and pushes his glasses back up with the same two fingers.
"I just have one more question, Shane."
"What?"
"Why turn to God?"
"What does that have to do with anything?"
"Just tell me. Why did you turn to God?"
Shane smiles a bit and leans back again.
"I guess I needed hope that I would be forgiven for what I had done. I feel like I have a purpose now. I feel like I'm worth something."
"Well that may be all well and dandy in the outside world, but here there is no hope." He smiles sadistically and lowers the clipboard. "Face it, pal, if you're here, God don't want you."
He leans back and chuckles. Randle does the same and the three assistants follow. The children around me look towards one another with frightened faces. I look at Shane but get no response. I look at Sarah and see the pain in her eyes. And then, as I look at the other children, I see tears. Their tears roll down their cheeks and trickle on the ground. I start to think that perhaps Trevor is right, God don't want us no more.
The first thing we do when we get to go out for free time is look for Shane. Sarah and I go behind our wall, but he's not there. We look in the courtyard, but he's not there. We look near the outer fence, but he's nowhere to be found.
"He couldn't be far, there's only a number of places he's allowed to be." I say.
"Uh-huh." Sarah looks concerned which makes me curious. But then she starts running towards the courtyard again and I follow.
It's only now that I really look at her as she runs with the wind slamming into her face. I watch those big, green eyes and am sad because their full of worry. I notice her body is a lot skinnier than when I first met her, but she's still as pretty as back then. Her once short, brunette hair is now flowing past her shoulders and whipping in the wind. I notice all of the children, particularly the boys, staring at her as she runs in awe of her beauty. I never really noticed her splendor and it seems to captivate me.
When we get behind our wall again I feel a bit tired.
"Sarah," I say, "Slow down!"
She stops in mid stride and turns to me. Her hair is all over the place and it's covering most of her face.
"I'm sure Shane just wants some space or something. I think we should leave him alone."
"You think so?"
"Yeah, I do. We should just let him have some space." And to that she frowns. "Why are you looking so hard to find him? I thought you'd be happy if he was gone."
She looks at me a little perplexed.
"Well, he is my friend."
"But I thought you guys couldn't stand each other."
"Oh come on, Max! That's just what friends do. We joke around with each other."
She sits down against the wall and I follow. She lays her head on my shoulder and closes her eyes. I can hear her breathing start to slow down a bit and then it gets pretty quiet.
"I'm sure he's all right." I say.
"Yeah, I know."
"Do you believe what Master Trevor said? You know, about Shane."
"I don't want to believe it. I mean sure, I thought bout killin people before, but there's a difference between thinking it and actually doing it. It just doesn't seem like him."
"But do you believe him?"
"The scary thing is that I do, I do believe him. I feel by believin him, I'm betraying Shane."
"But you're not! I believe it too, but I know I'm not betraying Shane. He's my friend as well, you know."
She looks at her feet and rolls her eyes.
"I know."
"There's nothing we can do. If he's going to let his past haunt him then all we can do is be there if he needs us."
"Sure." She says out of the corner of her mouth.
And then it seems to hit me. Jealousy. I realize what he meant. A jealousy will overtake me and it will destroy her. It's Shane. I see it like the sun on a cloudless day, like a car on a clear street, like a brick wall in my path. It's jealousy. I can almost see it burning inside me and taking over. I try to fight it, but it's useless. I can't do anything against it because he controls me. He only has half of my mind, but that's enough. I can almost hear those bells and see his dark figure. I can almost see him holding those bells in one hand and holding jealousy in the other. I can almost see him smiling at my fear and laughing at my suffer. It's unbearable.
I close my eyes and try to gather my thoughts, try to unite my brain. But he is too strong. His evil is spreading and polluting my mind. He seems to take control of my entire mind now and I can feel myself slipping. My face becomes contorted and my eyes shoot open. I feel my hands turn to fists and my muscles tense. I seem to lose control of all my senses and my breath stops short, but then it picks up, and stops short again. It's an endless cycle of pain, nothing but pain.
I notice Sarah has got her eyes closed and seems to be asleep on my shoulder. I hear a slight rumble off in the distance and then I see a fantastic bolt of light and energy slam to the ground in the distance. The rain starts to fall and seems to act as a spark for him to make his move.
He lifts our left hand into the air and opens our fingers. He moves them around and a smile forms on our face. We turn to Sarah, so angelic, and carefully remove her head from our shoulder. He smiles as we lay her head to the ground and then slowly lift our right hand. The rain feels so cold. He turns our body in her direction and slowly moves our hands to her throat. We move in a choking motion, as if he and I were battling for control. Our hands get close to her neck and the warmth from her body consumes them. It's a warmth that seems to wake me up from a sleepless slumber. The cold from the rain seems to pass me by and the warmth from her life seems to stimulate me with life of my own. I can fight him back now!
I use my strength to pull my hands back but I meet resistance from his own terrifying strength. I hear the thunder roll around me and the lightning strikes the long, radio antennae on top of the complex. The sparks come flying down all over the courtyard and I hear children shouting and the Masters trying to retrieve order. The shiny sparks fly down around me and the fight becomes more intense. I use all my strength and I can almost feel victory. I can taste it; I can almost touch it. It's there, right in front of me! My eyes start to water and my mouth starts to bleed as I bite down on my tongue.
And then, with the sparks flying around me and the children screaming in the courtyard. I see another jolt of light, but this one is different. This jolt seems to be right in front of me and it seems to ignite sounds of confusion in my ears. The struggle is unbearable now. The wind picks up and the drizzle of rain is now a blast of hail. The children are still screaming and I see Sarah looking at me in terror. I didn't realize that she was watching. But in that split second that I see her eyes, I see a new reason to fight. Jealousy seems to exit my mind. In that split second, when the thunder rolls, I scream to the heavens and to any God that will hear me. I scream in the name of love and in the name of humanity. I scream with all my power and all my might. I scream not just for Sarah's life, but also for mine. I scream for freedom. And the thunder seems to scream with me. But I don't scream words; it's more like the sound of thunder. I can't find a distinction between my scream and the thunders scream. They both become acquiescent and they become locked in a fierce battle to be louder.
And as my scream comes to its end and the thunder stops to roll, I feel victorious. My arms fall and my body stumbles to the ground. My breathing is intense and I'm sweating profusely. My eyes lock closed and the breathing gets louder. It gets too loud and to intense and right when I feel like I've reached the end, it stops. It all stops. Everything stops. It's not just my breathing; it's everything. Time stops, feeling stops, thinking stops, life stops. I feel as if I'm in a cloud of nothing, not even air. It's an endless continuum of nothing, it's a vacuum of nothing, and it's a world of nothing.
I start to think that perhaps I've died. Perhaps I have come to the end of the life that I wished would end. But strangely, I feel sad. I feel as if I had no reason to leave. It's almost as if I had a purpose. But then I see a flicker of light. It starts off as a small flicker of movement, but then it gets bigger. It's black and yet it's a different black than the place around me. There's a strict distinction between the two blacks, almost as if they were two different colors. But my curiosity soon turns to horror when I realize what it is. Because right then the silence is broken. I hear his menacing laugh that mocks me for no reason. I hear his faint breathing and it scares me. But then, I hear them. They erupt in my ears and I feel that tingle down my back.
GONG
I see his head lift up and his piercing eyes gaze at my soul. He seems to look straight through me and burn with a chalice of victory, of strength. He moves his gruesome, disfigured arms up to his head and removes the hood covering his face. When his arms drop back into his lap the black in the room fades and all is white. He's sitting there, cross-legged and black as the midnight sky. I look on his true face for the first time, because the other times that hood hid it.
But now I see his evil face, scared with hatred and iniquity. His eyes are thin and pale white with no pupils. His hair is thin on top but his bangs drupe over his forehead and stop near his eyes. His nose is thin and long just like his face. And I shiver when I look at his toothless mouth. He sees me staring and quickly licks his lips tauntingly.
He raises his arm to offer me a seat near him but I refuse. He talks so slow.
No need to be rude my friend. Please, take a seat here.
No!
Then I guess you will stand.
What do you want this time?
What do I want?
Yes, what do you want?
Such a question cannot and will not be answered, my friend. The wants off humans are so complicated and so improbable that to try and explain all of them would be foolish. Humans are a sad race of people. Humans kill their brother, they kill their neighbor, yet, those who kill always have the pity of others. Humans think they are in charge of everything and even God himself cannot get in their way. Humans are the lowest level of dirt there can be. I am ashamed to be human.
But you're not human!
Are you sure about that? Perhaps I am not human, perhaps I am something else. But I think the question is, what am I? Would you like to know what I am?
Send me back! I want to go back now!
I am neither dead nor living. I am neither human nor beast. I am neither good nor evil. I am neither you nor me.
GONG
Send me back!
I am neither the creator nor the created.
GONG
Stop with your games!
I am neither an angel nor a demon.
GONG
Stop it!
I am neither rain nor snow.
GONG
I've had enough!
I am neither sun nor moon.
GONG
Get away from me!
I am neither friend nor foe.
GONG
Leave me be!
I am neither master nor slave.
GONG
Get out of my head!
You are neither loved nor cared for.
GONG
You are dead to all...
The rain is so cold. I feel the cold tears of the sky slam against my face and mix with my own tears. The rain doesn't stop; it just keeps coming. Ever since that day that the lightning struck it has been raining. That was two months ago and it's still raining. I remember it used to snow but that seems like ages ago. It used to snow so hard but never stick. But it was the snow that everyone hates because it was so cold. I remember that snow so well, but now it's rain. It isn't as cold anymore but it's still cold enough to freeze your bones. That rain seems to seek out the cold and invite it down to earth, before it falls. And even though it isn't as cold anymore, the Masters are still cold. And I am still cold. But the rain continues to fall and even if we don't want to, we keep on living. Because in this place there's nothing else to do, except live. I remember a time when I wanted to live, so long ago. But now I feel as if living is to hard. Even if I have others by my side to support me, I feel as if dying would be the only way out. In my life I have seen to much death but I could handle one more; my own. I think that in everyone's life they experience things that make them want to die but they keep on living. In my case, however, the time to live is over. I feel as if living would just add to the hurt that I feel. But there are other times when I am glad that I am living. There are people that I still love and people that I want to be with. But that's another problem with this cloudy world that I live in. I am not allowed to be with whom I want. I am forced to live a life of exile, even if she loves me back. The Masters control me and there's nothing I can do about it. But the moment that I saw her, I knew that she shined. She shined above anyone that I had ever seen before, even Naru. But even then I would have never imagined that I would come this far with her. We have come so far, but I feel that our time is ending. Whether it ends at the hands of the Masters or of my own I feel that glory is fleeting. Whatever happiness we had in this terrible place will soon be gone. I can see it. It's always so cold here. The sun never shines and the cold never lifts. Sometimes I dream that I lived in a different world. Sometimes I dream that I was someone else, someone of importance. But mostly I dream that I didn't live in this place. It's the only place we have and it keeps us alive, but sometimes I think that this is the worst place in the world; it's just horrible here.
A week later a new Master arrives on our block. Master Trevor Bjorn arrives on Saturday, October 4th 1985 to take over Master Randle Patrick's job. Randle is now second in command. It's on this day that my district gets split up. Only twelve people stay on my district: Jennifer Rosales, Natalie Gulbis, Kent Jones, J. L. Lewis, Tim Herron, Alexia Cejka, Justin Rose, Laura Flesch, Billy Andrade, Shane, Sarah and myself. Everyone else is transferred to the E district while we stay on the B district on the far west side of the main building. Master Trevor and Master Randle are the two Master's in charge and they have three minions: Peter Hulbert, Phillip Price and Nicholas Flanagan.
Master Trevor is now in charge and calls everyone to a meeting in the recreation room. We all pull up seats and sit in a circle with the girls on the left and the boys on the right. Master Trevor and Master Randle sit in the front of the group. Trevor's got brown hair that's starting to bald on the top. He's got brown eyes and a couple of wrinkles on his brow. He's got just the slightest indication of a beard over his lip and when he smiles, it seems to disappear. He wears a pair of thin glasses that seem to small for him.
"Welcome boys and girls. I am Master Trevor Bjorn. I will be in charge now with Master Patrick as my assistant. Do you all understand?"
"Yes, Master Bjorn." We all say.
"Good." He looks at the clock on the wall. "It is now two P.M. At this time, four times a week, we will meet like this for a group session. During this time, we will have therapy to help us come to terms with why we're here. Some of you have had problems with your temper, others with stealing, others with underage gambling and, as I understand, one with murder." I look around at the group and see everyone doing the same. No one knows who the murderer is. "We will all try to figure out how to deal with our problems by discussion because it has come to my attention that Master Patrick has used other methods to deal with your problems." Randle steals a quick glance at Trevor with pure disgust. "I am here to be a councilor, a helper and a friend to all of you." It seems to me that he's nice to us. He seems different than the other Master's, but I still don't trust him. "Now, let us begin our first session. We will start with Mr. Shane, um, well it seems there is no last name written down here. Shane, may I ask why?" Shane looks up from the floor and stares straight at Master Trevor.
"I don't know. I've never had a last name that I haven't."
"Oh, I see. Well why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself, Shane."
Shane sighs and sags in his chair. He closes his eyes and smiles.
"Well what do you want to know?"
Master Trevor leans in a bit and smiles.
"Tell us why you murdered your father."
My jaw drops in shock and I see Sarah close her eyes and shake her head, to the left, then to the right. To think that Shane was a murderer! It seems hard to believe, but when I look at his face, I see his sorrow.
"Haha, well I guess he had it comin that he did!"
"What makes you say that?"
"The way he acted around my mother, yeah, he was a real jerk."
"Again, enlighten us."
"He beat her!"
"So you killed him?"
"I didn't mean too! I found that gun and, I guess, well, I just missed!"
"You missed?"
"I was aiming for his shoulder, I didn't want him to be able to hurt her!"
"Well, obviously that didn't work, right?"
Shane's eyes get furious and his voice seems lower.
"That's right, he strangled her the same night, that darn drunk!"
"I see." Trevor leans back and takes a deep breath. He flips the papers on his clipboard and sighs. He pushes his glasses up with his middle and index fingers and then looks at Shane. "So then you were tried in court and sent to a Juvenal Hall down in Mississippi, your home state. How did that go?"
"How do you think it went?"
"Well, obviously not well because it says here that you ran away after two months. Then, you were found on the streets of New Hampshire and placed in the Orange Orphanage, thirty miles south of here, correct?"
"Yeah, that's right."
"But then they figured out that you had a criminal record just two weeks after you arrived."
"And now I'm here." Shane finishes.
Trevor smiles and pushes his glasses back up with the same two fingers.
"I just have one more question, Shane."
"What?"
"Why turn to God?"
"What does that have to do with anything?"
"Just tell me. Why did you turn to God?"
Shane smiles a bit and leans back again.
"I guess I needed hope that I would be forgiven for what I had done. I feel like I have a purpose now. I feel like I'm worth something."
"Well that may be all well and dandy in the outside world, but here there is no hope." He smiles sadistically and lowers the clipboard. "Face it, pal, if you're here, God don't want you."
He leans back and chuckles. Randle does the same and the three assistants follow. The children around me look towards one another with frightened faces. I look at Shane but get no response. I look at Sarah and see the pain in her eyes. And then, as I look at the other children, I see tears. Their tears roll down their cheeks and trickle on the ground. I start to think that perhaps Trevor is right, God don't want us no more.
The first thing we do when we get to go out for free time is look for Shane. Sarah and I go behind our wall, but he's not there. We look in the courtyard, but he's not there. We look near the outer fence, but he's nowhere to be found.
"He couldn't be far, there's only a number of places he's allowed to be." I say.
"Uh-huh." Sarah looks concerned which makes me curious. But then she starts running towards the courtyard again and I follow.
It's only now that I really look at her as she runs with the wind slamming into her face. I watch those big, green eyes and am sad because their full of worry. I notice her body is a lot skinnier than when I first met her, but she's still as pretty as back then. Her once short, brunette hair is now flowing past her shoulders and whipping in the wind. I notice all of the children, particularly the boys, staring at her as she runs in awe of her beauty. I never really noticed her splendor and it seems to captivate me.
When we get behind our wall again I feel a bit tired.
"Sarah," I say, "Slow down!"
She stops in mid stride and turns to me. Her hair is all over the place and it's covering most of her face.
"I'm sure Shane just wants some space or something. I think we should leave him alone."
"You think so?"
"Yeah, I do. We should just let him have some space." And to that she frowns. "Why are you looking so hard to find him? I thought you'd be happy if he was gone."
She looks at me a little perplexed.
"Well, he is my friend."
"But I thought you guys couldn't stand each other."
"Oh come on, Max! That's just what friends do. We joke around with each other."
She sits down against the wall and I follow. She lays her head on my shoulder and closes her eyes. I can hear her breathing start to slow down a bit and then it gets pretty quiet.
"I'm sure he's all right." I say.
"Yeah, I know."
"Do you believe what Master Trevor said? You know, about Shane."
"I don't want to believe it. I mean sure, I thought bout killin people before, but there's a difference between thinking it and actually doing it. It just doesn't seem like him."
"But do you believe him?"
"The scary thing is that I do, I do believe him. I feel by believin him, I'm betraying Shane."
"But you're not! I believe it too, but I know I'm not betraying Shane. He's my friend as well, you know."
She looks at her feet and rolls her eyes.
"I know."
"There's nothing we can do. If he's going to let his past haunt him then all we can do is be there if he needs us."
"Sure." She says out of the corner of her mouth.
And then it seems to hit me. Jealousy. I realize what he meant. A jealousy will overtake me and it will destroy her. It's Shane. I see it like the sun on a cloudless day, like a car on a clear street, like a brick wall in my path. It's jealousy. I can almost see it burning inside me and taking over. I try to fight it, but it's useless. I can't do anything against it because he controls me. He only has half of my mind, but that's enough. I can almost hear those bells and see his dark figure. I can almost see him holding those bells in one hand and holding jealousy in the other. I can almost see him smiling at my fear and laughing at my suffer. It's unbearable.
I close my eyes and try to gather my thoughts, try to unite my brain. But he is too strong. His evil is spreading and polluting my mind. He seems to take control of my entire mind now and I can feel myself slipping. My face becomes contorted and my eyes shoot open. I feel my hands turn to fists and my muscles tense. I seem to lose control of all my senses and my breath stops short, but then it picks up, and stops short again. It's an endless cycle of pain, nothing but pain.
I notice Sarah has got her eyes closed and seems to be asleep on my shoulder. I hear a slight rumble off in the distance and then I see a fantastic bolt of light and energy slam to the ground in the distance. The rain starts to fall and seems to act as a spark for him to make his move.
He lifts our left hand into the air and opens our fingers. He moves them around and a smile forms on our face. We turn to Sarah, so angelic, and carefully remove her head from our shoulder. He smiles as we lay her head to the ground and then slowly lift our right hand. The rain feels so cold. He turns our body in her direction and slowly moves our hands to her throat. We move in a choking motion, as if he and I were battling for control. Our hands get close to her neck and the warmth from her body consumes them. It's a warmth that seems to wake me up from a sleepless slumber. The cold from the rain seems to pass me by and the warmth from her life seems to stimulate me with life of my own. I can fight him back now!
I use my strength to pull my hands back but I meet resistance from his own terrifying strength. I hear the thunder roll around me and the lightning strikes the long, radio antennae on top of the complex. The sparks come flying down all over the courtyard and I hear children shouting and the Masters trying to retrieve order. The shiny sparks fly down around me and the fight becomes more intense. I use all my strength and I can almost feel victory. I can taste it; I can almost touch it. It's there, right in front of me! My eyes start to water and my mouth starts to bleed as I bite down on my tongue.
And then, with the sparks flying around me and the children screaming in the courtyard. I see another jolt of light, but this one is different. This jolt seems to be right in front of me and it seems to ignite sounds of confusion in my ears. The struggle is unbearable now. The wind picks up and the drizzle of rain is now a blast of hail. The children are still screaming and I see Sarah looking at me in terror. I didn't realize that she was watching. But in that split second that I see her eyes, I see a new reason to fight. Jealousy seems to exit my mind. In that split second, when the thunder rolls, I scream to the heavens and to any God that will hear me. I scream in the name of love and in the name of humanity. I scream with all my power and all my might. I scream not just for Sarah's life, but also for mine. I scream for freedom. And the thunder seems to scream with me. But I don't scream words; it's more like the sound of thunder. I can't find a distinction between my scream and the thunders scream. They both become acquiescent and they become locked in a fierce battle to be louder.
And as my scream comes to its end and the thunder stops to roll, I feel victorious. My arms fall and my body stumbles to the ground. My breathing is intense and I'm sweating profusely. My eyes lock closed and the breathing gets louder. It gets too loud and to intense and right when I feel like I've reached the end, it stops. It all stops. Everything stops. It's not just my breathing; it's everything. Time stops, feeling stops, thinking stops, life stops. I feel as if I'm in a cloud of nothing, not even air. It's an endless continuum of nothing, it's a vacuum of nothing, and it's a world of nothing.
I start to think that perhaps I've died. Perhaps I have come to the end of the life that I wished would end. But strangely, I feel sad. I feel as if I had no reason to leave. It's almost as if I had a purpose. But then I see a flicker of light. It starts off as a small flicker of movement, but then it gets bigger. It's black and yet it's a different black than the place around me. There's a strict distinction between the two blacks, almost as if they were two different colors. But my curiosity soon turns to horror when I realize what it is. Because right then the silence is broken. I hear his menacing laugh that mocks me for no reason. I hear his faint breathing and it scares me. But then, I hear them. They erupt in my ears and I feel that tingle down my back.
GONG
I see his head lift up and his piercing eyes gaze at my soul. He seems to look straight through me and burn with a chalice of victory, of strength. He moves his gruesome, disfigured arms up to his head and removes the hood covering his face. When his arms drop back into his lap the black in the room fades and all is white. He's sitting there, cross-legged and black as the midnight sky. I look on his true face for the first time, because the other times that hood hid it.
But now I see his evil face, scared with hatred and iniquity. His eyes are thin and pale white with no pupils. His hair is thin on top but his bangs drupe over his forehead and stop near his eyes. His nose is thin and long just like his face. And I shiver when I look at his toothless mouth. He sees me staring and quickly licks his lips tauntingly.
He raises his arm to offer me a seat near him but I refuse. He talks so slow.
No need to be rude my friend. Please, take a seat here.
No!
Then I guess you will stand.
What do you want this time?
What do I want?
Yes, what do you want?
Such a question cannot and will not be answered, my friend. The wants off humans are so complicated and so improbable that to try and explain all of them would be foolish. Humans are a sad race of people. Humans kill their brother, they kill their neighbor, yet, those who kill always have the pity of others. Humans think they are in charge of everything and even God himself cannot get in their way. Humans are the lowest level of dirt there can be. I am ashamed to be human.
But you're not human!
Are you sure about that? Perhaps I am not human, perhaps I am something else. But I think the question is, what am I? Would you like to know what I am?
Send me back! I want to go back now!
I am neither dead nor living. I am neither human nor beast. I am neither good nor evil. I am neither you nor me.
GONG
Send me back!
I am neither the creator nor the created.
GONG
Stop with your games!
I am neither an angel nor a demon.
GONG
Stop it!
I am neither rain nor snow.
GONG
I've had enough!
I am neither sun nor moon.
GONG
Get away from me!
I am neither friend nor foe.
GONG
Leave me be!
I am neither master nor slave.
GONG
Get out of my head!
You are neither loved nor cared for.
GONG
You are dead to all...
The rain is so cold. I feel the cold tears of the sky slam against my face and mix with my own tears. The rain doesn't stop; it just keeps coming. Ever since that day that the lightning struck it has been raining. That was two months ago and it's still raining. I remember it used to snow but that seems like ages ago. It used to snow so hard but never stick. But it was the snow that everyone hates because it was so cold. I remember that snow so well, but now it's rain. It isn't as cold anymore but it's still cold enough to freeze your bones. That rain seems to seek out the cold and invite it down to earth, before it falls. And even though it isn't as cold anymore, the Masters are still cold. And I am still cold. But the rain continues to fall and even if we don't want to, we keep on living. Because in this place there's nothing else to do, except live. I remember a time when I wanted to live, so long ago. But now I feel as if living is to hard. Even if I have others by my side to support me, I feel as if dying would be the only way out. In my life I have seen to much death but I could handle one more; my own. I think that in everyone's life they experience things that make them want to die but they keep on living. In my case, however, the time to live is over. I feel as if living would just add to the hurt that I feel. But there are other times when I am glad that I am living. There are people that I still love and people that I want to be with. But that's another problem with this cloudy world that I live in. I am not allowed to be with whom I want. I am forced to live a life of exile, even if she loves me back. The Masters control me and there's nothing I can do about it. But the moment that I saw her, I knew that she shined. She shined above anyone that I had ever seen before, even Naru. But even then I would have never imagined that I would come this far with her. We have come so far, but I feel that our time is ending. Whether it ends at the hands of the Masters or of my own I feel that glory is fleeting. Whatever happiness we had in this terrible place will soon be gone. I can see it. It's always so cold here. The sun never shines and the cold never lifts. Sometimes I dream that I lived in a different world. Sometimes I dream that I was someone else, someone of importance. But mostly I dream that I didn't live in this place. It's the only place we have and it keeps us alive, but sometimes I think that this is the worst place in the world; it's just horrible here.
