Yep, it's official. I am funny. But let me make this perfectly clear, this is a punishment fic, one where the author creates a random character and makes him go through hell for no particular reason. This is meant to draw pity and laughter for Tyler and his escapades. I do not intend to throw in any random film characters, seeing as the war's over by this moment in the story, there is little reason for them to be going back into the Matrix, and they should be rebuilding Zion anyway. Nor do I intend to wake Tyler up, because then this would get a bit serious. Seriousness sucks, I'm bad at it. All I really want here is for the Merovingian and his thugs to beat the piss out of Tyler and toss him aside. I'm a simple woman.
Old lady from church: "Hi, are you ready for the return of the Jehovah? Because if you're not, then --" (door slams in her face) "Well FUCK you then. High and mighty motherfucker."
Hahahahahaha. You know what it's all about. Let's go.
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Of Mutilated Cars and Albino Twins
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"Awk," Tyler repeated as the Twins slowly advanced, grinning and fingering their switchblades. "Ohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgod..."
Cain and Abel ran into the library just at that moment. "Merovingian! You have to see this!" the first shouted. The second only nodded in agreement.
"Vhat? Vhat is so important zat you must interrupt my annual coppertop killing?"
Abel struggled to make something up. "Uh...Vlad's PMS-ing again!"
Cain agreed with that story. "Yeah, it's really bad! We're gonna need a lot for this one!" He winked at Tyler, as if to say, "See, I told you that Vlad is a pussy."
The Merovingian turned to Tyler. "Do not zink zhat zis is over." He and his men stormed out of the room, leaving Tyler to sink to the floor and kiss it gratefully. Persephone peeked inside.
"Is he gone?" Tyler leapt to his feet and turned to the harpy-woman, fire in his eyes.
"What does that matter to YOU? I nearly got killed for YOU!" He observed Persephone rolling her eyes. "But you don't care all that much, do you?"
"How could you tell?" She grabbed his wrist and led him towards the bookcase. "Ve'll have to get you out of here." She pulled down a copy of "Crime and Punishment," and the bookcase slid open to reveal a dark, crumbling tunnel. "Vell? Vhat are you vaiting for? Go! It vill lead you to the restaurant."
Tyler examined her very closely. "You know, if you weren't such a foreign whore who didn't even bother to save me from her husband's jealous wrath, I'd probably thank you."
He walked into the tunnel, and as the bookcase closed once again, Persephone called, "You're velcome, Tyler."
It seemed as though Tyler had been walking for miles on end, and thoughts of sabotage and betrayal began to creep slowly into his mind. Why had he even trusted Persephone? What if she was leading him into another trap? Why, he had half a mind to go right back and strangle that woman with his bare hands.
Only moments before Tyler summed up the courage and will to turn back, he saw a light at the end of the tunnel. "What? She was telling the truth after all!" He sped up his pace, and that walk soon turned into an all out sprint for the joyous light.
He burst through the hidden door and forced his way through tile and mortar to find himself in...the ladies restroom. Quite a few females turned to see the source of the crashing noise. Tyler froze and stared. The girls stared back. Tyler stared some more. The girls stared twice as much.
"AAAAARRGH!" he shrieked.
"AAAAAAAARRRGH!" the girls shrieked even louder.
One ran up with an interesting can in her palm. Tyler examined it. "Hey, what's tha -- OOOOOOOOOOOW!!" The pepper solution made direct contact with his precious eyelids as he twitched and moaned on the restroom floor, attempting scratch his flaming eyes out. "Somebody help me!"
"Oh, I'll help you, you fuckin' NIGGA!" Oh shit. Why did his girlfriend have to be at that restaurant, in that bathroom, at that exact moment?
Tyler chose the sweet route. "Oh, honey, thank God you're here, you've gotta help me!"
"Oh REALLY? Why do *I* have to help YOU, boy, when you is freakin' with some ho at the show three nights ago?"
He rolled his eyes and sighed. "Just listen. Right now, some French guy is chasing me with a crew of werewolves, vampires, and ghosts, and if I don't get a ride out of this town, not only will I die, but everyone who is within a twenty-five foot radius of me will too."
"And WHY should I care?"
"Because if you don't get me out of here, I will attach myself to your leg. When the Merovingian kills me, you'll die too."
"That's bullshit."
"WHAT?? Why the fuck would I lie about that?!"
"Because yous tryin' to play me again!"
Tyler thought quickly. "Fine. If you don't get me out of here, then I will take this lighter," he pulled said lighter out of his coat pocket, "and set your weave ablaze."
His girlfriend suddenly rearranged her priorities. "Not my weave! It took ten fucking hours to get it right! Let's go!" She yanked him to his feet and dragged him to her car. Within three seconds, she had peeled right out of the parking lot and was well on her way to the airport.
Let's skip all of the boring stuff about how Tyler got his ticket rather quickly by threatening the poor lady at the terminal with more Frenchmen and werewolves and vampires.
So by this time, Tyler was patiently waiting for his flight to Canada, far away from crazy jealous Merovingians and their harpy wives. His girlfriend came back from the snack bar, munching on a Baby Ruth. She turned to Tyler, and began to talk, spraying peanuts all over his nice coat.
"What kind of a ho you been fucking where you gotta run from some trigger-happy French dude and his army of vampires?"
He glared at her. "What the fuck are you talking about?"
"Honestly, I don't know why I put up with you --"
He placed a hand to her mouth, as his flight was announced. "Man, I don't know why either." He ran off for the plane. "It's over, biatch!"
END.
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Finally! I'm done! Probably could have been longer, but I do like the way this turned out. Big thank yous and Tyler plushies to all those who reviewed!
The last line of this fic was a Friday quote...so ha! None here! It's nice to finish a fic...
Old lady from church: "Hi, are you ready for the return of the Jehovah? Because if you're not, then --" (door slams in her face) "Well FUCK you then. High and mighty motherfucker."
Hahahahahaha. You know what it's all about. Let's go.
--------------------
Of Mutilated Cars and Albino Twins
--------------------
"Awk," Tyler repeated as the Twins slowly advanced, grinning and fingering their switchblades. "Ohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgod..."
Cain and Abel ran into the library just at that moment. "Merovingian! You have to see this!" the first shouted. The second only nodded in agreement.
"Vhat? Vhat is so important zat you must interrupt my annual coppertop killing?"
Abel struggled to make something up. "Uh...Vlad's PMS-ing again!"
Cain agreed with that story. "Yeah, it's really bad! We're gonna need a lot for this one!" He winked at Tyler, as if to say, "See, I told you that Vlad is a pussy."
The Merovingian turned to Tyler. "Do not zink zhat zis is over." He and his men stormed out of the room, leaving Tyler to sink to the floor and kiss it gratefully. Persephone peeked inside.
"Is he gone?" Tyler leapt to his feet and turned to the harpy-woman, fire in his eyes.
"What does that matter to YOU? I nearly got killed for YOU!" He observed Persephone rolling her eyes. "But you don't care all that much, do you?"
"How could you tell?" She grabbed his wrist and led him towards the bookcase. "Ve'll have to get you out of here." She pulled down a copy of "Crime and Punishment," and the bookcase slid open to reveal a dark, crumbling tunnel. "Vell? Vhat are you vaiting for? Go! It vill lead you to the restaurant."
Tyler examined her very closely. "You know, if you weren't such a foreign whore who didn't even bother to save me from her husband's jealous wrath, I'd probably thank you."
He walked into the tunnel, and as the bookcase closed once again, Persephone called, "You're velcome, Tyler."
It seemed as though Tyler had been walking for miles on end, and thoughts of sabotage and betrayal began to creep slowly into his mind. Why had he even trusted Persephone? What if she was leading him into another trap? Why, he had half a mind to go right back and strangle that woman with his bare hands.
Only moments before Tyler summed up the courage and will to turn back, he saw a light at the end of the tunnel. "What? She was telling the truth after all!" He sped up his pace, and that walk soon turned into an all out sprint for the joyous light.
He burst through the hidden door and forced his way through tile and mortar to find himself in...the ladies restroom. Quite a few females turned to see the source of the crashing noise. Tyler froze and stared. The girls stared back. Tyler stared some more. The girls stared twice as much.
"AAAAARRGH!" he shrieked.
"AAAAAAAARRRGH!" the girls shrieked even louder.
One ran up with an interesting can in her palm. Tyler examined it. "Hey, what's tha -- OOOOOOOOOOOW!!" The pepper solution made direct contact with his precious eyelids as he twitched and moaned on the restroom floor, attempting scratch his flaming eyes out. "Somebody help me!"
"Oh, I'll help you, you fuckin' NIGGA!" Oh shit. Why did his girlfriend have to be at that restaurant, in that bathroom, at that exact moment?
Tyler chose the sweet route. "Oh, honey, thank God you're here, you've gotta help me!"
"Oh REALLY? Why do *I* have to help YOU, boy, when you is freakin' with some ho at the show three nights ago?"
He rolled his eyes and sighed. "Just listen. Right now, some French guy is chasing me with a crew of werewolves, vampires, and ghosts, and if I don't get a ride out of this town, not only will I die, but everyone who is within a twenty-five foot radius of me will too."
"And WHY should I care?"
"Because if you don't get me out of here, I will attach myself to your leg. When the Merovingian kills me, you'll die too."
"That's bullshit."
"WHAT?? Why the fuck would I lie about that?!"
"Because yous tryin' to play me again!"
Tyler thought quickly. "Fine. If you don't get me out of here, then I will take this lighter," he pulled said lighter out of his coat pocket, "and set your weave ablaze."
His girlfriend suddenly rearranged her priorities. "Not my weave! It took ten fucking hours to get it right! Let's go!" She yanked him to his feet and dragged him to her car. Within three seconds, she had peeled right out of the parking lot and was well on her way to the airport.
Let's skip all of the boring stuff about how Tyler got his ticket rather quickly by threatening the poor lady at the terminal with more Frenchmen and werewolves and vampires.
So by this time, Tyler was patiently waiting for his flight to Canada, far away from crazy jealous Merovingians and their harpy wives. His girlfriend came back from the snack bar, munching on a Baby Ruth. She turned to Tyler, and began to talk, spraying peanuts all over his nice coat.
"What kind of a ho you been fucking where you gotta run from some trigger-happy French dude and his army of vampires?"
He glared at her. "What the fuck are you talking about?"
"Honestly, I don't know why I put up with you --"
He placed a hand to her mouth, as his flight was announced. "Man, I don't know why either." He ran off for the plane. "It's over, biatch!"
END.
-------------------------
Finally! I'm done! Probably could have been longer, but I do like the way this turned out. Big thank yous and Tyler plushies to all those who reviewed!
The last line of this fic was a Friday quote...so ha! None here! It's nice to finish a fic...
