Title: Die Riley Die!: The Return of Toth 2/?
Author: Autumn
Email: autumnleaves@autumnpenguins.com
Rating :PG-13, Violence, language
Cat: Humor
Summary: Willow and Xander see that Riley isn't the guy for Buffy. And why should Harmony get too have all the fun of plotting evil schemes? An AU of 'The Replacement'
Author's Notes: It's defiantly not the most mature piece I've written, but I hope it's funny.
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"She'll never cut him loose Xander."
"What are you talking about?"
"Hello, we're talking about the girl that took back Angel. Mr. I turn evil when I have sex and stalk my girlfriend and her friends and then kill them-to cap it off I sit back with a nice apocalypse, then go to hell for a nightcap and come back to stalk my girlfriend and her friends-again."
"Okay, so Toth it is." Xander said.
"Do you think we should tell Anya, Tara or Giles?" Willow asked.
"Nah, what's the worst that could happen?"
**********
Later that night,,,,,,,,,,
Giles, Anya, Tara, Buffy, Riley and Xander found them in the Sunnydale landfill, following the scent of the daemon they had come to refer to as Toth. He had come to kill the slayer, or so it was thought, but Xander and Willow knew the real purpose. Still, it took them by surprise when the Daemon glided up behind him.
"Hey everyone, its Toth!" Anya pointed out helpfully.
"Slayer, I am here to kill you-"
"Yeah, yeah, I know." Buffy interrupted.
"ur boyfriend." Toth finished and pointed his magic wand at Riley.
"What? I didn't do anything!" Riley cried, indignant that someone wanted to kill him in Buffy's name instead of his own!
"You exist. Therefore I shall crush you." Toth explained patiently.
"No!" Buffy shouted, somewhat belatedly and leapt at Toth.
"You do not concern me." He said casually as a jet of light shot directly at Riley and hit him in the groin.
Toth glided off again as Riley fell over and began to cry like a baby. It wasn't much of a surprise since Toth had transferred him from being a member of the male sex to being a non-sexual. In other words, Riley had lost his one true friend-his penis. Xander and Giles both winced in pain, but Anya directed her sympathies to Buffy. "This loss must be terrible for you. It almost makes me want to let you borrow Xander to have many orgasms to forget about Riley."
"I'm still here Anya!" Riley squeaked between sobs.
"Well part of you is." Tara giggled.
"Tara! This is not the place for inappropriate sophomoric humor!" Giles admonished.
Buffy broke down laughing beside Tara. "But Giles, he was a-he's a-penis stealing daemon!"
Willow joined in with her best friend and her girlfriend's laughter while the two males and the ex-daemon stared at the three women as if they'd completely lost their minds. Eventually they recovered enough to carry Riley away from the scene of the crime and bring him back to Giles' apartment. He was moaning in pain so loudly that Buffy knocked him out, for his own good.
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Three days later………
"I'm sorry Buffy. If I had known this was so serious, we could have researched this better, found some way to cure it."
"It's okay Giles. Nobody really saw this coming. How could we?" The slayer said.
"Or the little information we had gathered about Toth, it did say that it separated a person's good qualities from their worst ones. But it didn't say a thing about any physical separation."
"We should have predicted that Riley would die from this though. I mean it was like losing a heart, or a brain or something almost as important." Anya chimed in.
"Still, death by penis removal, that's something that every guy dreads but nobody thinks that it's really possible." Xander said gravely.
"I just don't understand how Toth knew exactly what would be his undoing." Tara put in thoughtfully.
"I guess we'll never know." Willow said as the Scoobies prepared to leave the gravesite.
"Just chalk it up to dating Buffy ends in pain, misery and death." Xander said rather flippantly.
