Title: Fashion Victim
Series: Die Riley Die!
Author: Autumn
Email: autumnleaves@autumnpenguins.com
Cat: Humor
Rating: PG-13
Story Summary: AU of 'Out of My Head'
Series Summary: Riley dies, lots and lots! A series to celebrate all the scrumptious ways that Riley could have died in the Buffyverse, but unfortunately he didn't. Also, he wears a kilt.
Author's Notes:
I really don't like Riley. At all. So I kill him a lot…….. This series probably isn't for the people who actually like him.
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Three vampires crowded the man who thought he was such a kick ass fighter. 'Ker pow!" He shouted as he punched a vampire in the face.
The fact that it was a child of no older than ten years old had no effect on him whatsoever. Riley had dressed up in his favorite fighting kilt and painted his face blue and white. "Freedom!" He shouted in a terrible Scottish accent as he attacked the baby vampire.
The vampire clearly had the upper hand and was about to sink his teeth into Riley when a flash of blonde knocked the child vampire off the man in a skirt. Buffy through a stake through it's heart and quickly dispatched the other three vampires who had witnessed Riley's pathetic fight. This had been the third time in two weeks that Riley had nearly gotten himself killed in battle and Buffy had to come to his rescue. She was quickly tiring of saving her boyfriend all the time, but that was quieted by her need to understand why he was in a kilt.
Spike saved her the trouble of asking when he stepped forward. "So, soldier boy where's the battle?"
"Shut up Spike. You're evil and I'm not gonna take it much longer."
"I'm shaking in my little booties. You're so scary a child sized vampire can kick your ass."
"Why exactly are you dressed up? Halloween isn't until next week." Buffy interrupted.
"I was practicing." Riley said defiantly.
"For what? Swordplay in the Special Olympics? Dusting for Dumbies? Or, to be more accurate, how to be completely useless to a Slayer." Spike drawled.
"I figured that if we got turned into Halloween costumes again, then I'd be ready to save us all just in case." Riley puffed.
"Yeah, cause you'd really be useful, dressed as a 13th century Scottish patriot. Tell us, do you just really like the way tartan plaid feels against your thighs?" Spike chided.
Buffy couldn't help laughing. Spike's observations about her boyfriends were so accurate most of the time, and combined by the way that Riley's kilt looked, laughter ensued. Riley was deeply offended by Buffy's lack of support, and he gathered up his sword and stalked off in a huff. Buffy's smile died on her lips as she watched her boyfriend walk straight into an empty grave. Riley's fell face first, and the force of his body caused the empty casket to close around him. Being such a large guy, he found that he couldn't turn around. He started to panic, when he noticed that he had a harder time getting air.
The kilt began to shrink and press itself harder into Riley's flesh. It then crept up his body, leaving his naked half exposed and wrapping itself around his face. Riley's arms were trapped against his side by the kilt and he could do little to lay there until he fell unconscious.
"Riley!" Buffy called out, and attempted to jump down into the grave to saver her boyfriend-again.
She found herself suspended in midair as she hit what seemed like a force field. Spike rushed forward to pull the Slayer away. She hit him and went back at it. "And the definition of insanity goes too" Spike said beneath his breath.
Eventually the force gave way and Buffy fell on top of the coffin. She scrambled to open it and release Riley. What she saw made her scream. "Guess the ex-commando went Commando." Spike observed at Riley's bare bottom.
"Hasn't been toilet trained either," he said making a face.
"Spike help me." Buffy cried as she began hefting Mr. Poopy butt out of the hole.
The kilt had been nestled around Riley's face, but hadn't appeared tight at all by the time Buffy removed it.
"He's dead Slayer Musta choked to death." Spike said, with only a hint of glee in his face.
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The funeral had taken place with only minimal attendance. Giles and the Scoobies had attempted to research Riley's death, assuming the kilt had to be evil in someway and had been disappointed to learn that it wasn't any more evil than any other kilt out there.
Spike had been careful to remove the tag that said 'Ethan's on it. From the payphone he collect called Los Angelous.
The operator informed him that the charges were accepted, and the line began ringing.
"Angel Investigations We help the helpless." A chipper voice answered.
"Is Peaches around?" Spike asked Cordelia.
"Oh. Spike. Yeah let me get him."
A few muffled minutes passed and Angel himself was on the phone. "Worked like a charm." Spike informed his grand-sire.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah.."
"Why did you go along with this Spike?" Angel asked.
"Been looking for an excuse to get rid of him for awhile. He's a bigger poof than you are, and that's saying something."
Spike could hear Cordelia's voice calling Angel off to help some poor soul, so the conversation was cur off. Spike grinned, Riley had been dispatched, and now Angel was roving off to meet certain doom. It was shaping up to be a good year for him. A very good year indeed. He replaced the phone on the receiver and strolled off towards the Magic Box. It had surprised him when Angel had suggested such a plan, but Spike was glad he war around to reap the rewards.
Angel was now in his debt, and he idly wondered if the brooding vampire would return the favor and dispatch Xander. Spike smiled to himself at the delicious thought and stepped through the door. The Scoobies were all so trusting, it was almost too easy.
