Jack's Drinking Problem

Disclaimer: Wait, do I REALLY have to write this?! Everyone here already knows that I don't own Pirates of the Caribbean or any of the characters(but if I did....MUAHAHAHAHA!). A disclaimer is unnecessary, really (like Jack's shirt). Er... O_O; did I just say that out loud? *slaps wrists* Bad me! Bad me!

This story is also one of my comics! YAY!

Rated "PG-13" because it sounds better than just "PG", and because there is constant drinking, mild swearing, and mild violence. Yay violence! XP

And be sure to check out all of my other shi—er, stories! The Kidnapping of Mr. Sparrow, and William Turner: Girlyman. Both are humor, as is this one, and also based on my comics! Woot! Indulge on my stories! YAHAHA! (Wow, I'm really hyper when I'm sick... *cough-cough* I have a cold... bleh.)

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Jack was lying about, hanging off of his rickety chair and staring at the ceiling. Did I also mention that he was incredibly drunk? He lifted his 5th, er...6th, I mean, 7th, Wait. I don't know; I lost count a long time ago. Anyway, he lifted his umpteenth bottle of rum to his lips and took a long swig. Setting the now empty bottle down, he wiped his sleeve across his face and reached for another one. He only had a few sips when a loud knock came to the door of the dark captain's quarters.

He tried to ignore it and lifted the bottle, but the knock banged again. "Jack?" a voice called from the other side of the heavy oak door.

He groaned and stood up. "I'm comin'!" He slurred angrily as he stumbled over to the door.

He opened it but quickly had second thoughts, and lifted his hand over his eyes. "Wha...? Arg... too bright, bloody sun." He squinted and tried to cover the sun from his blood-shot eyes and flushed face. "What the 'ell are you all doin' 'ere?"

Will, Elizabeth and the entire crew of the Black Pearl were all standing outside his room and looking at him as he stood in the doorway.

"Jack; Elizabeth, the crew, and I are concerned about you." Will said.

"Abou' me?" He asked sleepily.

"Aye, Jack." Gibbs answered. "'Bout yer drinking problem"

Jack stared at Gibbs for a moment, letting the statement permeate through his mind. His face twisted up a bit and, "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Jack burst out laughing. "Good 'un Gibbs!" He roared, slapping his first mate on the back. "Drinking problem? Me? HA!" He wiped away a tear of amusement.

Gibbs looked over at Will for help but he just shrugged. Elizabeth stepped up to the intoxicated pirate to try.

"No really, Jack. We ARE worried about your drinking habits." Will watched, sweating with jealousy.

"Oh really?" Jack quirked a questioning, seductive eyebrow at her. "You're worried 'bout me too Ms. Swan? Er—Mrs. Turner, I mean."

"Yes, Jack. WE are worried about you." Will ran up and snatched Elizabeth way, baring his teeth at Jack. "You do have a drinking problem whether you'll admit it or not, and WE want you to quit." He put an extra emphasis on the 'we's to indicate to him that they were an item.

"SQUAWK! Hoist in the sails!" Cotton's parrot squawked.

"Cotton's right, Jack." Gibbs said. "We need to take you to APA."

"NO, not APA! Anything but that!" Jack bit his nails fearfully. He turned to run away (to god knows where. They were on the bloody ship!) "ACK, NO! Not APA! You can't make me!" Anamaria shot her hand out and held a death- grip on his shoulder.

"Oh no you don't Jack." She hissed.

"Arg! Nails!" He could feel her nails tighten on his collar. She threw him down (or at least that's what he tells everybody, he really tripped over his own feet in the struggle) and tried to subdue him. As he was being dragged away he shouted and cried in fury, shaking his fist, "No! you can't do this to me! I'm your captain! I order you to release me! I won't go! Please don't make me! WAAAAAH! MOMMY!!"

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The building the size of a large pub stood in between 'The Drunken Sword Fish' tavern and 'Boars Breath' pub had a large sign nailed to the front of it. The big letters read, 'APA' and in smaller letters underneath it said, 'Alcoholic Pirate's Anonymous'.

A nervous young man with dusty blonde hair, sideburns, and had a black strip of cloth tied around his head, who was new to the class, just like Jack, stood behind a wooden podium and said shakily. "Uh... hello. My name is Ahab and—"

"Hi Ahab!" The room chorused. Jack wasn't expecting this and nearly leapt out of his seat in alarm.

"Er, hi..." He chuckled. "And um, I'm a recovering alcoholic. I haven't consumed any alcohol for the past three weeks."

The entire room broke out into a loud sea of applause and woots and cheers. He shakily took his seat, smiling and kept his head down. Everyone was still clapping.

/These people are all nuts!/ Jack concluded, he kept his arms crossed across his lap. The woman running the class had pointy glasses (you know, the ones that are sort of shaped like tear drops and the points point out?), her dark brown hair was tied up in a flawless bun, she was wearing a black dress and holding a clip board where she took notes.

She cheerfully said, "Mr. Sparrow? Would you like to go next?"

"Captain!" He corrected. "It's Captain Jack Sparrow, and no I would not like to go next!"

Her smile disappeared and she reached her leg up and kicked the back of his chair, causing him to tip over and forcing him to stand up. "Ack!"

"Everyone," she announced. "CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow would like to go next!"

"Ok, ok! I'm going!" He stormed over to the podium and glared at everyone before he started. "Fine. My name is CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow. Captain! Don't ferget it! And I had a pint of my favorite rum last night, and two pints this morning! I'm leaving and going to one of the pubs next door, and nobody better try an' stop me, savvy?" He walked over to the door and was sure to slam it loudly as he left.

The doctor stood up and seethed at his insolent behavior. The entire class was quiet. Then the broke out into applause! She whirled around and screeched, "KNOCK THAT OFF!" and everyone was then quiet.

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HUZZA!!!! New story! This might be the last one for a short while because I haven't come up with anything lately! But I'm pretty sure the next one after this is going to be the sequel to 'The Kidnapping of Mr. Sparrow', so be sure an' read it, savvy? Jeez, me and my shameless pimping of my own stories... This one is going to be three chapters methinks, so look out for two more! Please Review! Thanks!