April 7, 2004

Alex,

This is pretty difficult to write. I just closed a case involving an ADA named Jeff, who I dated five years ago, that was found murdered. It turned out that the man who killed him was a coworker who was gay, and whose denial led him to kill. What's worse was that Jeff had HIV, as did the murderer, and his wife.

I only dated him for a month, and though we did have sex we used protection. Plus we didn't have oral sex and it was five years ago. But I hadn't been tested for HIV during those five years-there was no reason to-and I've been in prime shape. Melinda offered to test me without any paperwork. I almost refused but she gently, but firmly, insisted.

I had no idea that Jeff was gay. It never turned serious, but I never thought he was gay; he seemed to be a very sensitive and compassionate man. Was I really so blind? I work sex crimes, I help and put away people of all ages and orientations, shouldn't I be able to tell? I spoke to Huang and he told me that some people try to deny their true sexuality by acting normal, and he reassured me that my exposure to HIV was negligible. But I was still scared of the possibility I was HIV positive; it would mean having to leave my job. When the results came back, for a moment, I thought Melinda was going to say I was positive That fear was quickly quashed; I do not have HIV, thank god. But the whole mess left me shaking really badly.

I'll be all right; I still have my health after all :-).

Your friend,

Olivia