Disclaimer: I own nothing here but the order in which the words are arranged. The Harry Potter characters are property of J.K. Rowling. Alice In Wonderland belongs to Lewis Carroll. And Miyuki-chan in the Wonderland belongs to that supreme manga studio, CLAMP.
WARNINGS: Everyone except Hermione is bisexual. Which means there WILL be guys loving guys and girls loving girls. Some characters tilt more towards gay than bi. If you don't like it, don't read!
~Hermione In The Wonderland~
*Chapter 2 - Cheshire-neko'*
D-Dirty Harry? Hermione stuttered, mopping her face quickly and shoving her hanky back into her pocket.
The cat-boy nodded. In one lithe movement he leaped down from the tree and began rubbing against her legs. What's this obsession with my legs?' Hermione wondered. The cat-boy looked up at her and let out a funny mreeeow noise. Hesitantly, Hermione scratched his head. He purred and his tail waved happily, but he didn't seem to be taking a sexual interest in her, so she decided he would be safe to question.
she said shyly, Could you tell me where I am?
You're in the Wonderland, the cat purred, finally getting up on two legs. He ducked his head and rubbed his cheek against her shoulder, his bell tinkling merrily.
His answer was not much help; as Hermione didn't have the faintest clue where Wonderland could be. She tried a different tack.
Well, could you tell me which way to go from here? she asked politely.
That all depends on where you want to go, Cheshire-neko replied.
I don't care where -
Well, then it doesn't matter which way you go.
-As long as I get somewhere, Hermione pressed.
The cat-boy paused in sniffing her hair to consider this. I'm sure you'll get somewhere if you walk long enough, he said after awhile.
This was the sort of statement you couldn't argue with; so Hermione tried another question. What sort of people live here?
Oh, lots, said the cat breezily. In that direction - he pointed to the left - lives a Hatter. And in that direction - he pointed to the right - Lives the March Hare. Visit whichever you like; they're both mad.
I don't want to be around mad people! Hermione said, shocked, as the boy dropped to his hands and knees and began rubbing against her legs once more.
He looked up at her. You can't help that. We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
He leaped back up into his tree. Hermione stared up at him. How do you know I'm mad?
You must have been, or you wouldn't have come here, he replied.
With a huff of impatience, Hermione sat down on a nearby log. She ignored his last remark and said, It certainly seems as if I'm the only sane one around here!
The boy hissed and jumped higher up into his tree. Oh no, I've offended him!' Hermione thought, and jumped up. She hurried up to the foot of his tree and peered imploringly up into its thick branches. Oh, Cheshire-neko! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to offend you!
He stuck his nose in the air, and his tail twitched angrily.
I really am sorry, Hermione called.
His only response was to jump higher still. Disgusted with his stubbornness, Hermione reached up and grabbed hold of a low branch. She began climbing up the tree.
This seemed to delight the boy. He purred and smiled down at her. Just as she was almost close enough to pet him, he uttered a loud mrrreow and leaped higher.
She climbed up further and tried to pet him again. He just dodged her hand and jumped higher.
It went on like this for quite awhile; obviously the cat thought it was a game. Finally Hermione was tired of climbing and wedged herself firmly between two branches. Fine! Be that way! I'm not going to chase you anymore.
There was a pause, then the boy popped up beside her. Hermione shrieked in surprise and had to grab a branch to keep from tumbling out of the tree.
Don't do that! she gasped once she had seated herself more firmly in the tree.
He butted his head playfully against her shoulder. I only wanted to play.
She scratched him behind the ears. I'm not used to playing in trees.....
He hoisted himself up and perched on the branch beside her. She was amazed he could sit on such a narrow thing without falling.
Do you have a name? she asked curiously.
I'm Ron, he said, smiling. Most people call me that. You're the first to call me Cheshire-neko'. I wonder how everyone else would react to that!
Most people?
Sirius calls me Ron smiled. And Draco calls me kitty, but he doesn't like me much.
Sirius? Draco?
You don't know them? Ron asked in amazement. Draco's the King. Sirius is the S&M King. He's Dirty Harry's godfather.
mumbled Hermione. A King?
He's good with whips, Ron said dreamily.
No! The other King!
Oh. Draco. Well, he's the King Of Hearts. He's married to Queen Cho, but everyone knows she's a slut. Just last week she beheaded six people for not having an orgy with her.
Hermione shuddered in disgust.
She's fond of croquet, Ron continued. In fact, she's holding a croquet game today. Are you going?
I haven't been invited, Hermione said.
Go anyway. If you don't and Cho sees you afterwards, she'll have you beheaded for not going.
How awful! Hermione said.
It's not that bad. If Draco likes you, or Bill, they'll have you pardoned. Sirius holds the record; he's been pardoned twenty times, because Bill likes his shorts and Draco likes to play with him.
Who's Bill? Hermione asked him.
Ron yawned and stretched out on his branch. The Prince. He's not Draco and Cho's son; he's my oldest brother. They adopted him, because Cho really, really liked him, if you get my drift.
Hermione did, and didn't like where it was going. Is he a cat too?
No. He's just the Prince.
Do you have many other brothers? Hermione asked him.
Five. And a little sister. You've met her; Ginny. She's Harry's whore.
That's not a very nice thing to say about your sister.
It's the truth, Ron said. Two of my brothers, Charlie and Percy, often take tea with the Hatter- he pointed to the left again - and Fred and George kind of do their own thing. He snickered. They do everything together. And I do mean everything.
Hermione shuddered again and said, Could you help me down from this tree?
Just jump, Ron replied, and did. Hermione clapped her hands to her mouth to stifle a scream, but from below, his voice called, It's okay, you won't get hurt!
Remembering her fall down the rabbit-hole, Hermione decided to try it. She summoned her courage, gathered her skirts on one hand, and jumped.
She expected to be hit with branches and possibly break some bones before hitting the ground and being killed; but she dropped to the ground without injury. She landed neatly on two feet and looked around in amazement.
Ron smiled and took her by the hand. See? I wouldn't tell you to do anything that could be dangerous for you. He kissed her hand and purred. Have you decided? Are you going to the Queen's croquet game?
Yes, I think I will, Hermione said.
Ron beamed. You'll see me there. And suddenly, he vanished.
Hermione started and looked around curiously, but then there was a *pop!* noise and Ron reappeared.
By the way, what happened with Harry and Ginny?
I think they were.... falling in love with me, Hermione said, blushing.
Ron sniffed and his tail twitched. Don't kid yourself, dear. They wanted to screw you. Those two are almost as slutty as the Queen. Stay away from them!
You seem to like the S&M King, Hermione said crossly.
Hey, he does what he does to pay the rent. And shower the Big Bad Wolf with presents. He's really a very nice guy. He just has a fondness for leather and chains....
I know, I saw his Wall of Torture.
The cat preened himself. Don't insult him. He's my friend, and besides, he can hurt you if he really wants to.
I'll bear that in mind, Hermione said warily.
a hoarse voice called just then. Instantly, Ron's tail began twitching happily. His ears pricked up and he dropped to all fours, purring and arching his back. He bounded towards the sound of the voice, his bell tinkling cheerfully.
Neko-chan! Here, kitty, kitty!
Ron meowed happily and rolled over onto his back as a tall figure emerged from the trees. There you are!
The man bent to scratch Ron's belly. Ron purred loudly, his tail thrashing. Hermione stared.
Finally the man looked up, his dark blue eyes twinkling.
Well, well, well, who do we have here?
To Be Continued.....
(Coming Soon: Chapter 3: The S&M King and the Big Bad Wolf'
