Disclaimer: I own nothing here but the order in which the words are arranged. The Harry Potter characters are property of J.K. Rowling. Alice In Wonderland belongs to Lewis Carroll. And Miyuki-chan in the Wonderland belongs to that supreme manga studio, CLAMP.
WARNINGS: Everyone except Hermione is bisexual. Which means there WILL be guys loving guys and girls loving girls. Some characters tilt more towards gay than bi. If you don't like it, don't read!
~Hermione In The Wonderland~
*Chapter 3 - The S&M King and the Big Bad Wolf'*
Hermione stared wordlessly. The man petting Ron was dressed in a black tank top and black leather shorts that were the tightest and shortest she had ever seen. He wore thigh-high black boots, tall leather gloves, and carried a whip. Pointed dog ears emerged from underneath his hair, which was black, straight, and waist-length. And he had a dog's tail, which began to wag as he looked Hermione over.
A friend, neko-chan? he asked Ron, who purred and nodded. The dog-man's tail thumped the ground. He licked Ron's cheek affectionately and stood up.
He was really tall. Hermione squeaked in fear as he approached her, but he only smiled and stuck his whip in his belt. He took her hand and kissed it.
Not to fear, darling, I only discipline the naughty ones. His cobalt eyes danced mischievously. What's your name?
Hermione managed to say. The dog-man smiled and kissed her hand again.
Pleased to meet you, Hermione. I'm Sirius, the S&M King.
So I've heard, Hermione said nervously.
Not letting go of her hand, Sirius looked back over his shoulder at Ron. Taking her to the croquet game?
I would, but I've got something to do first, Ron said. D'you mind taking her?
Not at all. Seen Harry lately?
Nope. Mione has, ask her. And with a final mrrreow and a quick brush against Hermione's and Sirius' legs, Ron vanished again.
Sirius laughed at the look on Hermione's face. Don't mind him, darling. He's forever vanishing and reappearing. It's his favourite way to travel. He sat down on the ground and patted the grass beside him. Hesitantly, eyeing the whip, Hermione took a seat.
So, you saw my godson? Sirius asked casually.
Yes.... he took me to visit his maid.
Sirius threw back his head and let out a laugh that sounded very much like a bark. I'm going to get that kid. Sixteen and he's already luring girls home. He snickered. I love him and all, but seriously (no pun intended), I think I'm being too lenient with him. He didn't do anything to you, did he?
Hermione blushed. No. I ran away.
Good girl. Sirius stood and held out his hand to help her up. Come with me. The croquet game is in an hour or so, and I want to get Remmie before we go.
My boyfriend. His name's really Remus. But everyone just calls him the Big Bad Wolf.
Sirius slipped his arm through hers and began leading her off in the direction he had come from. Well, he was raised by wolves. Only for a year or two.... but... anywho. Oh, and he's a werewolf.
A werewolf?!
Don't worry, the full moon's not for two weeks. Remmie's the sweetest guy you'll ever meet; I think you'll like him.
And so they continued through the woods. Hermione hadn't the slightest idea of where they were going; all the trees looked identical. But Sirius seemed to know his way, whistling to himself as they walked. Hermione clung to his arm and looked round, hoping to see a landmark of some kind.
After walking for what seemed a very long time, the trees suddenly opened up into a clearing, where there was a little house. Sirius stopped whistling and beamed. There you go - that's Remmie's house. This is where I stay when I'm not with Harry or... working.
Hermione tried not to shudder. This whole world was proving to be twitchable.
The door of the house opened and a man came running out. Siri! You're home! he cried, throwing his arms around Sirius. This was Remus, the Big Bad Wolf.
He had light brown hair with streaks of grey in it. His eyes were a golden-hazel colour and very friendly. He was dressed in a skin-tight grey bodysuit, a red bow tie, and sliver platform boots. Grey wolf ears poked out from his hair and he had a long, tufted grey tail, which was waving in delight at the moment.
I missed you, he said softly, and he and Sirius kissed. It was a very long, sloppy, open-mouthed kiss, with moans and groans, hands everywhere, and Sirius' tail wagging happily. Hermione looked up at the sky and pretended she was invisible.
Wait, love, Sirius panted after a few minutes. We have a guest.
Remus blew his bangs out of his eyes, his cheeks flushed pink with excitement. We do?
He looked round and saw Hermione. He jumped out of Sirius' arms and blushed furiously. I'm so sorry! He smiled shyly and held out his hand. Forgive me, I didn't even see you.
Her name's Hermione, piped up Sirius as Hermione shook Remus' hand. Neko-chan asked if we wouldn't mind escorting her to the croquet game.
Any friend of Ron's, as the saying goes, Remus said cheerfully. Do either of you want something to eat before we go?
No, thanks, Sirius said, but Hermione was starving by this point in time, so she spoke up hesitantly.
Er - if it's no trouble, I would like a little something.
On second thought, I could do with some sake, Sirius said thoughtfully, tapping the handle of his whip against his chin.
Remus' eyes narrowed and he shook his head emphatically at his lover, and then gave Hermione a smile. Come in, then, dear, it's no trouble at all.
The inside of Remus' house was quite cozy and pleasant. It was only one room, but kept very neat and organized. Sirius and Hermione took seats at the small table as Remus bustled around, setting dishes out, opening and shutting cupboards, and chattering the whole while. Hermione couldn't help but feel at ease with him. She had known him for less than twenty minutes, but already he seemed like an old friend. And with Remus there Sirius seemed far less intimidating. In fact, now that she was getting used to him, Hermione could see he was quite handsome.
She jumped when Sirius caught her looking at her. She opened her mouth to apologize, but Sirius spoke first.
D'you know how to braid,
What kind of a question was that? Everyone knew how to braid. she said, taken aback.
Would you mind braiding my hair, then? I like it out of my way when I play croquet.
Um, all right, Hermione said, still wondering what it was all about, but she got up and stood behind him. She separated his hair and began to braid it tightly, nervously avoiding his pointed dog ears. Remus rummaged around in a drawer and brought out a very large silver hoop earring, which he handed to Sirius before setting a plate of small cakes on the table. Hermione finished the braid and tied it off with the only thing she had in her pocket - a long blue ribbon that almost matched the colour of Sirius' eyes.
Sirius made an odd noise, almost a purr, and put on the earring. How do I look?
Er - very nice, Hermione said.
Remus took the plate of cakes off the table and shoved them into her hands. Frightfully sorry, dear, but would you mind waiting outside for a bit?
Hermione, dumbfounded, found herself being pushed out the door before she could answer. The door closed behind her, but she could still hear Remus and Sirius talking.
I take it I look good?
You look better than good. Get that cute arse over here.
Um, Remmie, Mione's outside and we don't really have the t- aahh, oh, ah, God, that's good!
Hermione winced and ran across the yard with one hand over one ear and the other hand still holding the tray of cakes. She collapsed near the edge of the clearing and hummed loudly to herself, eating the cakes and doing her best to ignore the sounds coming from the cottage.
At long last the door opened and Remus called her back, beaming. So sorry for that, dear! Come inside!
When she came back in, Sirius was sitting on the edge of the bed, lacing up his boots. he greeted her cheerfully. Sorry bout that. Have enough to eat?
Hermione said. She hadn't eaten much; in fact, she had rather lost her appetite. Either way, she wasn't interested in the cakes anymore. She put a couple in her pocket as Sirius stood up and stuck his whip back in his belt.
All right then, let's go! He took Remus by the arm and offered his other arm to Hermione, who took it and allowed herself to be led out of the cottage and back into the woods.
~*~*~*~*~
They hadn't walked very far before Hermione summoned the courage to ask a question.
Is it true, then? Does the Queen behead people she's displeased with?
said Sirius. Especially if you refuse sex. Then you're in for it.
Siri's been pardoned twenty times, Remus said proudly. He holds the record.
Awww, you're making me blush, Sirius giggled.
Hermione was silent. She really didn't think it was a thing to be proud of, considering why Sirius had been pardoned, but didn't say so. Instead she asked, How far is it to the croquet ground?
Both men shrugged. The path likes to switch itself around every day, you see, Remus said. So some days it takes longer to get there than other days.
Well, what if the path didn't lead to the croquet game? What if you followed it all day and never got there?
Then I guess I'd need another pardon, Sirius grinned, brushing aside a hanging branch. The forest was beginning to thin out; the trees were fewer and less dense, and large patches of grass were beginning to pop up. The path widened. At one point, a smaller path branched off from the main, with what looked like two large candy-canes on either side of it. As they passed, Hermione looked down the path and saw that the path slowly faded from dirt to what looked like brown sugar. Hermione opened her mouth to ask about it, but Remus had already anticipated her question.
That's the path that leads to Candyland.
Hermione repeated, perplexed. I thought that was only a Muggle board game.
Remus and Sirius exchanged puzzled looks, and Hermione sighed, feeling doomed to explain. But she didn't have the time. There was a loud *pop!* noise, and Ron appeared out of nowhere onto the path before them.
Sirius and Remus cried in delight at the sight of him. They bent to scratch Ron behind the ears as he wound himself around their legs, purring happily.
I've decided to come to the croquet game too, Ron explained, rubbing his cheek against Hermione's hand. He mmmreoow'ed happily as she petted him, then straightened up onto two legs and followed them down the path. I went to see Charlie and Percy. They're having tea with the Hatter again today, and they want to know if we'd stop by?
Sirius wagged his tail. Sure. I could use some tea, and it's been a long time since I saw Charlie, Percy, or Cedric. Remmie?
Oh, I suppose.
Hermione tried her best to be polite. I'd like to meet Ron's brothers.
Sirius smiled, his tail wagging faster. It's a date.
Vat is a date?
Ron groaned at the sound of a voice behind them. He, Hermione, Sirius, and Remus turned to see a young man standing behind them. He was dark-haired, beak-nosed, and dressed in fine, prince-like clothes. He looked rather grumpy, and Hermione was pleased to see that he didn't have animal ears or a tail.
Hello, Vicky, Ron scowled.
Hello, Ronald.
This is Viktor, the Duke, Remus mumbled to Hermione.
Startled, she curtsied to Viktor, who gave her an appraising look. (Ron scowled harder.) A lady! Vat is your name?
she responded shyly.
A crease appeared between his thick eyebrows.
Hermione sighed. This really wasn't her day......
To Be Continued.....
(Coming Soon: Chapter 4: The Duke')
