Disclaimer: I own nothing here but the order in which the words are arranged. The Harry Potter characters are property of J.K. Rowling. Alice In Wonderland belongs to Lewis Carroll. And Miyuki-chan in the Wonderland belongs to that supreme manga studio, CLAMP.
WARNINGS: Everyone except Hermione is bisexual. Which means there WILL be guys loving guys and girls loving girls. Some characters tilt more towards gay than bi. If you don't like it, don't read!
~Hermione In The Wonderland~
*Chapter 4 - The Duke'*
Er..... Hermy-o-ninny.
Close enough. Hermione sighed and blew her bangs off her forehead. She had spent the last twenty minutes trying to teach Viktor how to correctly pronounce her name, as they followed Sirius and Remus down the seemingly endless path. Ron, who didn't seem to like Viktor very much, had taken to leaping from tree to tree overhead instead of walking the path with them. Every now and then Hermione glanced up to make sure Ron wasn't on the verge of tumbling head-first out of the branches, and scratching her nose every time she thought Viktor was about to try and hold her hand.
Sirius grinned cheekily over his shoulder and asked, Getting on all right back there? I expect we'll be there soon.
Hermione flushed under his gaze. She was beginning to discover that Sirius had a very eerie effect on her whenever he looked at her; it was downright creepy. We're fine.
Do whatever you like, we're not looking, Remus chirped.
Viktor was apparently confused; Hermione just turned redder. You're the one with your hand in Sirius' back pocket.
Sirius whistled mischievously as Remus giggled. Fighting down the urge to twitch, Hermione looked up into the trees.
he asked grumpily from above them.
What are your brothers like?
He leapt down from the trees and walked by Hermione's side, pretending Viktor didn't exist. Charlie knows a lot about dragons.... he's always banging on about one or another-
That's not all the banging on he does, Sirius said mildly.
Hush, you! Remus reprimanded him, removing his elbow from Sirius' ribs.
-So don't get him started on the subject, Ron continued calmly, as if there had been no interruption. Percy's a bit mad, all he can talk about is Mr. Crouch, this boss he had a while back... Mr. Crouch is dead, but Percy still adores him... bit creepy really...
Vere exactly are ve going? Viktor asked just then.
Ron looked very put-out at all the interruptions, but Sirius replied: The Queen's croquet game, of course. Didn't you already know that?
Oh... I vas haffing such trouble vith the pig that I forgot about it, Viktor said with a shrug. He reached into the folds of his elaborate outer tunic and drew out an envelope of creamy parchment, addressed in scarlet ink. It was rather rumpled and looked as if something had been chewing on it. The pig almost ate it, Viktor said to their surprised looks, before stuffing the invitation back into his tunic.
The... pig? Remus asked faintly.
Oh, yes. A vitch cursed my parents. She turned my father into a pig, and my mother into a caterpillar. She vasn't a very nice vitch, I am thinking.
Ron stifled a nasty snigger behind his hand. Hermione rolled her eyes and asked, So what did you do?
Vat could I do? I put my father in the pigpen and my mother in a jar and told them to vait until I got back. Then I put the cat in the barn so she vouldn't try to eat my mother.
Is the cat a relative of yours? Ron asked innocently. Sirius let out a bark of laughter and turned it into a very unsuccessful coughing fit. Exasperated, Remus punched his lover in the arm while Hermione purposely tread on one of Ron's large feet.
Ow! What're you -
What about Percy? Hermione asked hurriedly, cutting him off.
Oh... Percy. Well, he's.... insane. Then there's Fred and George... they're twins... they might be at the tea party. Sometimes they show up, and sometimes they don't. They're masters at the martial arts, and they're always hanging around practicing... on each other mostly, but if they don't know you you'd better beware....
Last time I went to see them, they kicked me halfway across the forest before they realized it was me, Sirius said sadly.
Vell, maybe they didn't require your... services... Viktor said delicately.
Everyone LOVES my services! Sirius yelled.
Haff you ever gotten a call from me?
Well.... no....
Or the Faerie Queen?
Look, Lucius has enough on his hands to deal with -
Or Mad Aberforth?
The guy's insane!
Or the Rat King?
OKAY, OKAY!! the S&M king shouted. Not EVERYONE loves my services, but the MAJORITY does! And I'd never do anything to - or with - Peter the Rat King if my life depended on it.
Viktor stuck his hands in his pockets and smiled slightly; the tips of his normal ears glowing red and his dog ears lying flat against his head, Sirius walked faster, determinedly not looking at the duke. Ron was glaring at Viktor, and the tip of his tail was twitching angrily. Hermione remembered that Sirius and Ron were good friends, and hastened to say something before Ron could start an argument.
Are we almost there?
Sirius growled, sounding too much like a large, fierce dog for Hermione's comfort. But Remus looked over his shoulder and smiled reassuringly. Pretty soon.
Who's the Hatter?
A man who makes hats, of course, Remus shrugged. Or maybe that's a haberdasher... I might be wrong....
NO! I mean, what's the Hatter's name?
Oh, him. He's Cedric.
Is he really mad?
We're all mad here.
Hermione was heartily sick of that answer; she turned to Viktor instead. Aren't you worried about your parents?
No... they'll be just fine.
But what if a fox gets into the pigpen?
You ask too many questions for your own good, Viktor said.
Irked at the unsatisfactory answers she was getting, Hermione shut her mouth tightly and stuck her hand into the pocket of her pinafore. Squish. Right into the frosting of the cakes she had taken back at Remus' house. Wrinkling her nose in distaste, she drew her hand out of her pocket and began licking the frosting from her fingers.
As she did, she began to notice that everything around her was beginning to seem uncommonly large; even her four companions were suddenly too big. Then she realized that she was shrinking!
she cried in a panic. Somebody, help! I'm shrinking!
Viktor asked, stopping and looking around. Vere is Hermi-o-ninny?
What did you do to her, Krum?! Ron shrieked.
I did nothing! I heard her calling and I turn around to find she is gone!
I'm down here! Hermione cried desperately. She picked up a small pebble (which was, to her, the size of a large rock) and threw it. It hit Ron in the ankle and he finally looked down.
he said, astounded, dropping to his knees. Viktor, Sirius, and Remus followed suit, peering down at the tiny girl.
What happened? Remus asked.
I don't know! I was eating some of those cakes you gave me and I started shrinking!
Remus winced. Er - was the frosting on them yellow?
Yes. Why?
The werewolf sat back on his haunches and slapped his forehead. I knew I was missing those, he said sheepishly.
Sirius stared. Remmie! What did you do?
I was working on some Shrinking Sweets... I got the recipe from Fred and George... I must have accidentally placed some of them on the plate with the normal sweets I gave to Hermione. I was a little... preoccupied - he shot a glare at his lover - and I didn't notice.... I'm sorry, Hermione...
Is there any way to turn me back? she asked anxiously.
Yes... yes.. just let me... now, where did I put it... Frowning, Remus rummaged in his pockets. Ah! Here you go!
And he held out what looked like a bright pink mushroom.
Hermione hesitated, but Remus smiled reassuringly. It's not what you think, he said. It's made of sugar... well, sugar, and a special solution to reverse shrinking.
Hermione said, breaking a piece off the mushroom and nibbling at it.
Almost instantly she felt herself growing... growing... growing, until she was back to her normal size. Once she returned to normal, her body stopped growing, but her neck did not. It stretched up and up, until poor Hermione found herself gazing over the tops of the trees - her neck had stretched out like a giraffe's!
Vat haff you done? she heard Viktor wail from below. Hermi-o-ninny's head has now parted from our company!
There's a solution for this, Hermione! Remus yelled from below. Hold on, here comes Ron!
And in a minute, Ron's vivid head popped out of the treetops, followed by a hand. He was holding a purple bean.
Remus says it tastes rather nasty, but you'd better eat it or you'll be stuck like this forever, he warned, popping the bean into her mouth and retreating.
Nasty, indeed! It tasted like grape cough syrup, Hermione's most hated medicine. But she swallowed it, and was relieved when her neck shrank back to its proper size.
I'm sorry! Oh, I didn't know that would happen! Remus said, wringing his hands and looking so upset that Hermione's annoyance at being repeatedly shrunk and enlarged vanished immediately. She kissed his cheek and smiled.
It's all right, Remus, no harm done, she said. I'm all right.
Remus smiled and put his arm through hers; Viktor and Ron both scowled but followed the pair further along the path, where Sirius was standing by a clump of bushes, his pointed ears pricked up and his tail wagging.
They all strained to hear it : the faint noise of some classical music, mingled with a murmur of voices and the clink of dishes. Ron's tail waved happily.
We're here! he announced, pulling Hermione through the bushes and dragging her into the strangest scene she had ever laid eyes on.
To Be Continued.....
(Coming Soon: Chapter 5: A Mad Tea Party')
