Disclaimer: I own nothing here but the order in which the words are arranged. The Harry Potter characters are property of J.K. Rowling. Alice In Wonderland belongs to Lewis Carroll. And Miyuki-chan in the Wonderland belongs to that supreme manga studio, CLAMP.
WARNINGS: Everyone except Hermione is bisexual. Which means there WILL be guys loving guys and girls loving girls. Some characters tilt more towards gay than bi. If you don't like it, don't read!
~Hermione In The Wonderland~
*Chapter 5 - A Mad Tea Party'*
Sprawled on a pile of comfy cushions on the ground were three young men. The first had bright red hair and freckles just like Ron; he was dressed in a loose grey robe and mouse's ears. He was playing with his long pink tail, smiling broadly as Hermione was shoved forward by Ron. The second was dressed in a rather ugly bottle-green suit with a huge, oversized top hat of the same colour. He had wavy, dark brown hair and grey eyes, and was currently pouring tea into a cup shaped like George Washington's head. And the third was also redheaded and freckled, but he had none of the warm casualness of Ron or the other redhead. He was wearing a severe brown suit and horn-rimmed spectacles. The only things odd about him were the long, brown rabbit's ears poking out of his hair and the badge on the lapel of his suit, reading, Barty Crouch Fan Club.
The mouse-man grinned. Hi, Ronnie. Who's the girl?
Ron dropped to all fours, purring, and rubbed his cheek against his brother's. Hermione. Mione, this is Charlie, my second-eldest brother. And Mr. Serious over there is Percy.
I'm Mr. Sirius! Sirius said indignantly as Hermione dropped a curtsy to Charlie and Percy.
No, you're King Sirius, the hatted man said. There's a difference. He stood and bowed to Hermione, holding his hat on to keep it from tumbling into the butter dish. Hello, Hermione. I'm the Mad Hatter, but you can call me Cedric.
You've got to be mad to drink out of that, Ron chuckled, pointing at the George Washington mug. He was stretched out comfortably by Charlie's side, not seeming to mind as his brother wrapped his arms around him and nuzzled his neck. Hermione tried not to twitch, looking around. Viktor had settled down on Percy's other side, looking very comfortable; Sirius was leaning against a tree with Remus in his lap; and they were all looking at her expectantly. She sank down on one of the enormous cushions and tried to smile.
Cedric offered sweetly, holding out a mug shaped like Marie Antoinette's head. Hermione thanked him and took it gingerly, eyeing it. The tea was an odd, murky colour she had never seen before.
Hey, Charlie, Sirius spoke up. Going to the croquet game?
Charlie placed several kisses along Ron's neck before answering. Thought of it, yeah.
Sweet. Hey, let me have some of that.
Hermione hurriedly looked away as Charlie let go of Ron and crawled over to kiss Sirius. Ron, his tail twitching in annoyance at being abandoned, stalked over to Hermione's side and plopped down. He sniffed at her tea as Hermione petted him. Viktor shot Ron a venomous glare.
Er... I suppose I should say this now, Hermione said. I.. um... don't really know how to play croquet.
Cedric shrugged. None of us does, including the Queen herself, I'll bet. She got the idea from seeing pictures... some nonsense, with horses, and mallets, and men in tight sweaters...
But that's polo, not croquet!
All the men stopped and stared at her.
Um - are you sure? Remus asked, politely incredulous.
Hermione said impatiently, letting Ron drop some sugar cubes in her tea. You play croquet on the ground, not on horses!
It figures. I knew she just liked to see who's manly enough to mount a horse, Charlie mumbled.
I could make so many jokes about that, but I won't, Sirius said, his eyes gleaming mischievously.
Thank you, everyone else chorused.
Sirius looked crestfallen.
Anyvay, I suppose ve should just humour the Qveen, Viktor said with a shrug, taking a cup of tea shaped like Napoleon.
Yeah, I'd like to keep my head, Ron said, nodding vigorously. I've had it ever since I was a little kid.
Don't joke about things like that, Ron, Percy said stiffly. Everyone booed him, and Percy found himself being pelted with crumpets.
Charlie, meanwhile, had come back to Ron, and was sitting with his little brother in his lap. Ron purred contentedly as Charlie scratched behind his ears. A friendly silence fell as Hermione sipped at her Marie Antoinette tea, feeling a little anxious.
Then Remus spoke. What day of the month is it?
Cedric drew a large pocketwatch out of his vest and frowned at it. Hermione said, The fourth.
Two days wrong! Cedric sighed. I knew butter wasn't good for it! He glared at Charlie.
It was the best butter, Charlie said defensively.
I think some crumbs got in as well, Cedric grumbled. You shouldn't have put it in with the bread knife! (Said bread knife's handle was shaped like Attila the Hun.)
Charlie took the watch from Cedric, looking at it gloomily; he dunked it into his tea and peered at it again; and repeated morosely, It was the best butter.
All the while Hermione had been watching this exchange with interest; now she took the watch from Charlie and peered at it curiously. What a funny watch! she remarked. It tells you what month it is, but not what o'clock it is! Why does it do that?
All watches do that, why do you ask? Cedric asked, puzzled, taking his watch from her and lying it tenderly on the cushion beside him.
Feeling very exasperated with this world, and wondering why she never got any real answers to her questions, Hermione scowled and took a crumpet from the platter (shaped like Benjamin Franklin - the platter, not the crumpet). None of the others seemed very perturbed; Ron was squirming in Charlie's arms, pretending to be annoyed with his brother's affections, but really enjoying it; Percy was reading a thick book that had appeared out of nowhere; Viktor was gazing at Hermione intently; and Sirius and Remus had disappeared behind a clump of bushes. Still uneasy (the idea of being beheaded really didn't appeal to her), Hermione said aloud, Shouldn't we be getting to the game, instead of wasting time?
The others were shocked. If you knew Time as well as we do, you wouldn't talk about wasting him! Charlie said angrily. I'll bet you've never even spoken to Time!
Er... no, I haven't, Hermione said, wondering why they were all so upset. But I know I have to beat time when I learn music.
There's your problem, said Remus, emerging from the bushes with his face flushed and his hair mussed. He won't stand for a beating.
You know, if you were on good terms with time, Percy said, He'd do almost anything you like with the clock. Suppose it was nine o'clock in the morning, time for lessons; you'd only have to whisper a hint to Time, and round goes the clock in a twinkling! Half-past one, time for lunch!
That would be nice, Hermione said. But why do you keep referring to time as
*POOF!*
A cloud of peacock-blue smoke billowed up before her, making Hermione shriek and topple over backwards, spilling tea all over the cushions. Her scream startled the others, who were seemingly confused as to why she had screamed.
The cloud of smoke cleared to reveal an old man with several feet of long silver hair and beard. He was dressed in green robes embroidered with hourglasses; hourglasses hung on chains from his neck and around his waist. An enormous pocketwatch was clutched in one hand.
The old man's blue eyes twinkled down at Hermione, who sat up quickly and pulled her skirts back down, blushing furiously. You called, my dear?
W-Who are you? Hermione asked, her voice quavering slightly.
The old man looked confused. Surely you knew, or you wouldn't have asked me to come.
She's new here, Father, Ron piped up. She doesn't know you yet.
The old man straightened his half-moon spectacles and bowed deeply. I, my dear, am Albus Dumbledore, Keeper of Time. But most people here call me Father Time.
Hermione was surprised. The man did look a lot like the illustrations of Time in her fairy-tale books; she kicked herself mentally for not seeing it at once. I'm sorry, sir...
Apparently ignoring her apology, Dumbledore raised the pocketwatch and peered at it. It appears to be exactly three o'clock. The croquet game starts soon.
Soon, how soon? Hermione asked as the old man vanished in another puff of smoke.
Half hour or so, Sirius said.
But that's not -
All times are soon to Father, Cedric said fondly.
Ah, well, Sirius said, stretching. I guess we should go, anyway... anyone coming with us?
We're going to clean up, Cedric said, winking at Charlie, who smiled and released Ron to draw the Hatter into his arms. We'll see you there...
More like making a mess, then cleaning it, Sirius said cheekily, making Hermione shudder. She stood and thanked Cedric for her tea, handing back Marie Antoinette's head. She and her companions headed off again, waving good-bye to Charlie, Percy, and Cedric.
That was fun, Sirius said cheerfully. Good tea.
Remus beamed at him. It was. They're ever so much fun to take tea with.
Ron grinned. Mum'd be pleased to hear that. But I think she'd be less than pleased as to what Cedric does with Charlie and Percy when they're all alone...
You vere cuddling up to your brother, Viktor said smoothly.
Shut up, Vicky.
Viktor shut, but probably not because Ron told him to. He was listening hard, a look of concentration upon his face. Er - is it me, or do any of you hear vat I hear?
What do you hear? Hermione asked, suddenly afraid.
Someone's coming....
The group drew closer together, looking around. Sirius pulled Hermione against him with one arm, Remus on his other side. Ron's tail twitched, and Viktor frowned severely.
Maybe it's nothing, Hermione mumbled against Sirius' chest.
I dunno, Viktor's got sharp hearing, Remus murmured to her. And I hear it too.
Oh... great... what now?
I'll tell you what now! a voice shouted.
Beware, trespassers! Was that another voice, or had the unseen person spoken again? It sounded like the same person....
And suddenly, the ground around them was peppered with a assortment of small knives, darts, blades, and ninja stars, followed by two figures jumping from the top of the nearest tree.
HI- YAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!
Hermione shrieked and cowered against Sirius' side, certain now that she was doomed. Why, oh why, had she chased Harry down the rabbit-hole?! This Wonderland was certain to be her doom!
To Be Continued.....
(Coming Soon: Chapter 6: The Twin Fighters and the Faerie Queen')
(A/N: Why in the world is Cedric's tea set shaped like famous historical people? you ask? Because I wanted to come up with a really unusual tea set, that's why. And looking at my collection of miniatures one day, I found this ugly mug shaped like a guy's head. Inspiration! As to why Attila the Hun is grouped in with people like George Washington... at that point, I was just pulling names out of my butt, okay? Stick around for the next chapter! Ja ne!)
