Disclaimer: I own nothing here but the order in which the words are arranged. The Harry Potter characters are property of J.K. Rowling. Alice In Wonderland belongs to Lewis Carroll. And Miyuki-chan in the Wonderland belongs to that supreme manga studio, CLAMP.

WARNINGS: Everyone except Hermione is bisexual. Which means there WILL be guys loving guys and girls loving girls. Some characters tilt more towards gay than bi. If you don't like it, don't read!
~Hermione In The Wonderland~

*Chapter 6 - The Twin Fighters and the Faerie Queen'*
Oh, come on, we weren't really gonna kill ya.

Yeah, we weren't really gonna kill ya.

Hermione peeped out from behind Sirius' hair. Standing before them were two redheaded, freckled twins, both dressed in poofy white pants, green tops and slippers, and had red scarves tied around their waists. They had gold initial pins on the left straps of their tank tops - one an F, the other a G. The twins grinned cheekily and snapped their fingers, making the assorted blades and darts on the ground vanish into thin air. They bowed.

Pleased to meet you - I'm Fred.

Yeah, pleased to meet you. I'm George.

Hermione stopped being afraid and squirmed out of Sirius' grasp. Ron! These are some more of your brothers, aren't they?

Ron said, his tail twitching.

Oh, ickle Ronnikins! Fred said dreamily, batting his eyelashes. Found yourself a girlfriend?

Too bad you have to share her, George snickered.

Hermione blushed and Ron glared. She's NOT my girlfriend!

I'll bet Sirius is making you say that.

I am not! Sirius grumbled. I make people DO things, usually to ME!

Please, hold that thought! Hermione shuddered.

Good call, Hermione, George said, winking at her.

Where are you fine people headed this morning? Fred asked.

It's the afternoon, not the morning, and we're going to the Queen's croquet game.

Cho the Ho's having another one of those, then, eh? The twins exchanged smirks.

Reckon we should go, George? Fred asked.

I reckon we should, if for no other reason than to keep our heads.

Me too. But if she wants to sleep with you... Fred put an arm around George's shoulders and leaned close to whisper in his ear. Tell her... you're already taken...

By a very attractive man... George smiled back, kissing Fred. Hermione gulped. Now she knew what Ron had meant by Fred and George doing everything together....

Mind if we tag along? Fred asked, not taking his eyes off George. You never can tell when you need trained professional martial-arts masters!

And we fancy seeing Bill, George agreed. Haven't seen him in awhile.

Cho the Ho keeps him on a tight leash, Fred informed Hermione.

So do I, Sirius snickered. Remus, Ron, and Hermione all punched him in the arm. OW! Goddammit!

Fred and George smirked. Heyyyy, Sirius.

Er - hi, Sirius grumbled.

Fred sidled up to Sirius and took him by the arm. Say, Siri - how about another duel?

George took the older man's other arm. Yeah, how about another duel?

Forget it! You two are too good! Sirius said, wrenching his arms out of the twins' grasp and pulling his whip out of his belt. I'm not going through that again!

He says no, but his eyes say yes, oh yes, George said in a seductive tone of voice.

He's such a tease. Come on, Siri... it only hurts at first, Fred said with a wink.

You and your double entendre - but Sirius was smiling, tapping the lash of his whip against the toe of his boot. But who knows... maybe I'll best you this time.

Remus, Ron, and Viktor all seized Hermione at once and dragged her safely off behind some trees; they leaned around them to watch. The twins were cracking their knuckles and stretching; Sirius was tapping his foot impatiently, a somewhat evil grin spreading across his face and his tail wagging.

Okay, Pooch! Fred yelled, drawing out a handful of knives and leaping into the air. This time, I'll get you!

Yeah, what he said! George shrieked, jumping forward with his foot outstretched.

Hermione and Remus screamed, thinking Sirius was doomed. The twins landed on him with yells of triumph, peppering the ground with knives and sending a cloud of dust and leaves into the air. But when the dust cleared, Fred and George were holding on to each other.

Hey, wait - where'd he go?

My turn! Sirius sang, dropping down from a tree limb and cracking his whip. You'd better run! He snapped the whip at their heels, and the twins fled, running round and around with Sirius cracking the whip behind them, cackling merrily. Call me Master! he barked.

The twins were crying with fright by now. Master! Master, please stop! We won't kick you across the woods anymore! Please, Master!

Sirius laughed, as his whip curled around the twins and tied them together. He raised a hand to his mouth, tossed his long hair, and laughed again, apparently proud of himself.

Let us go, Master! the twins cried as the others ventured forth from their hiding places.

I love it when people beg me for mercy! Sirius cackled, making no move to loosen the twins.

Viktor snapped.

Thanks for noticing.

Siri, let them go, Remus sighed. Sirius rolled his eyes and flicked his whip casually. It untied and released the twins at once. Fred and George got to their feet, wincing and grumbling. Sirius chuckled.

Let's call a truce, all right?

Sounds good to me, Fred whimpered.

But first - lick my boots! Sirius ordered.

Come on, this is torture! Fred wailed.

I can't believe you give away this much punishment for free! George sniffled.

Sirius raised an eyebrow, somehow managing to look deadly and drop-dead gorgeous at the same time. Fred and George moaned unhappily, ducked, and barely touched their tongues to Sirius' boots before springing to their feet. Sirius smirked and took Remus by the arm. Very good, lads.

George made a disgusted face. Geez, if that's what all your customers are into, they're all crazy.

Oh, no, that's just for you. With my other clients, it's all about spanking.

Okay, that's enough, Hermione said. We've got to get going!

Yeah, she's right, Ron said. C'mon, Fred, George - stop whining...

The twins followed the rest of the party down the path, keeping a considerable amount of distance between themselves and Sirius. Hermione walked between Ron and Viktor, following the two half men, half canines ahead of her. She looked around as she walked, noticing a lot of odd things - a house whose thatched roof looked like a rabbit's ears; a caterpillar sitting on a giant mushroom, smoking a hookah; a huge puppy, chasing a ball; and a gryffin and a turtle dancing with some nut of a girl in a blue dress almost like Hermione's.

Almost there, just gotta go through the Faerie Orchard, Sirius said, dropping his voice to a whisper.

Why are you whispering? Hermione asked.

We-ell - the Faerie Queen is really jealous, never gets invited anywhere. We gotta sneak by.

Poor Queen. Hermione wondered why someone like a faerie queen never got invited anywhere. As they tiptoed through the trees, Hermione daydreamed about what the queen might look like. Tall, most likely, with glittering wings and a long white gown... long, straight black hair like Sirius' or wavy red hair; or best of all, a crowning glory of ankle-length golden curls... yes, that would be it. The Queen would have fabulously long, curly golden hair and enormous, lovely blue eyes, clad all in white and silver....

Oi, mates! Where d'you think you're going?!

The party jumped at a drawling, angry voice and turned to behold a sight that rather disturbed Hermione. It was a tall, emaciated man with long, white-blond hair and grey eyes. He had a rather pointed chin and was dressed in a tight-fitting, ankle-length white gown. Innumerable chains of silver hung around his neck, arms, and waist. There was a silver tiara, set with hundreds of tiny sparkling diamonds, perched on top of his head. In one hand he gripped a sceptere made of silver and topped by a large star. And he had amazingly large, glittery butterfly wings that glowed with iridescent colours.

Hi, Luci, Sirius said weakly.

The winged man gave him a cold glare. It's Lucius, your Majesty, Black. For you see, I am royalty; whilst you are just a filthy commoner working in the sex trade. Now I demand to know where you are going.

If you please, your Majesty, we're going to the Queen's croquet game, Hermione said with a curtsy, when it appeared that no one else was going to say anything.

Lucius' gaze switched to her. Who are you?

H - Hermione Granger, your Majesty.

Finally, someone with manners, Lucius sniffed.

But please, your Majesty - I don't know you.

Don't know me?! Lucius looked very angry. I wouldn't expect you to know me! No, not me, father of the King himself and only the most beautiful creature to grace these lands! (Sirius stifled a giggle behind his hand.) I am Lucius, the Faerie King!

Faerie Queen, Sirius sniggered.

Lucius glared. How many times have I reminded you not to call me that?!

The dress makes me forget.

The twins and Ron were giggling by now. Lucius huffed, tapping the star on his sceptere against a log (turning it into a frog, a tractor-trailer, and a cappuccino machine before restoring it to normal). Shut up, Black. He looked at Hermione. You say you are going to the croquet game?

Yes, your Majesty, she said politely.

Well then; I shall accompany you, Lucius drawled.

You weren't invited! Remus said, offended, Hermione could only guess, by the lack of manners in this.

Do you honestly think such a trivial matter will keep me away, Lupin? Lucius sneered. My son is the King - surely he would not send his own father away!

I would if I was him, Fred muttered, eyeing Lucius' gown and jewels.

Silence! I shall not be mocked! I shall come with you to this game - and we'll see if the king dares turn me away!

They really had no choice; if they resisted, he would have held them captive in his orchard for the rest of their lives. Sighing, they started off again with Lucius marching beside Viktor, his nose in the air.

The orchard was soon behind them, opening up at last to wide green fields. Ahead of them loomed a huge castle, surrounded by a tall hedge. At the gate stood two girls, one with straggly, dishwater-blonde hair and the other with a long, reddish plait down her back. Both wore aprons printed to look like playing cards (the two and three of Hearts), with nothing underneath but silky red panties. Each clutched a long golden staff with a red heart at the top, which they held crossed over the gate.

the girl with the plait started, but blinked and gave a quick curtsy, laying down her staff. The other girl did the same, gazing dreamily at the party.

Welcome, Sirius, the plait girl said shyly.

Sirius smiled seductively and chucked her under the chin. Susan, my dear. Ginny's been asking after you.

Susan giggled and blushed. I should be glad to see her again...

I just bet you would, Sirius smirked. See you around, doll - Luna, give me a kiss, he commanded the blonde girl as the others filed through the gate. Luna giggled mistily and pecked his cheek, and then Sirius followed the others, waggling his fingers at Susan and Luna.

Hermione looked all around as she followed Ron. They were in a huge garden, with rows upon rows of red rose bushes. Quite abruptly, they came upon a patch of white rose bushes, surrounded by paint cans. Three girls, dressed in the same fashion as Luna and Susan, were arguing.

We can't paint them, when it rains the paint will run off!

But if we don't, we'll be in trouble for getting white roses!

Angelina, Alicia, Katie - whatever is the matter? George cooed, sidling up to one of the girls, a cute blonde with pigtails, and trying to slip his hand under her apron.

She slapped his hand away. Paws off, Georgie-porgie. We're in deep enough doo-doo.

Queen Cho's going to murder us, the second girl, who had shoulder-length brown hair, sighed.

The third, a tall black girl, likewise slapped Fred's roaming hands away. We accidentally got white roses instead of red ones. The Queen hates white roses!

What are you going to do? Ron asked.

What can we do? We just have to paint them and hope she doesn't notice! Will you help?

I will, Hermione volunteered. She felt sorry for these three girls.

Oh! Aren't you a love, the blonde said, kissing Hermione's cheek. The brunette put her arms around Hermione and drew her close; the black girl winked at her. Hermione wondered if perhaps she'd gotten herself into another mess. But her worries were unfounded, because she was immediately released as the sound of a trumpet blared nearby.

Katie, Angelina, and Alicia all jumped, forgetting about Hermione. They scrambled around, trying to hide the white roses, but Alicia tripped - Katie fell over her; and Angelina fell on them, grabbing at Hermione for balance and only succeeding in pulling the other girl into the pig pile as the approaching footsteps halted.

Ladies! Exactly WHAT is the meaning of this?!

All four girls gulped as they looked up to meet the furious gaze of Cho, the Queen of Hearts.
To Be Continued.....
(Coming Soon: Chapter 7: The Queen's Croquet Ground')
(A/N: Boy, Sirius was sure big on the punishment in this chapter. The whole scene with him chasing Fred and George was inspired by the scene in the Miyuki-chan manga where the Mistress chases Miyuki with her whip. I made it a bit longer, and made Sirius do the hand-to-the-mouth-annoying-Megumi/Ayeka laugh. It just fits Siri's personality to be an S&M King, doesn't it?)