Every Time
Chapter One: She Can't Love Me
A/N: I'm testing the waters with this chapter. If people like it and review, then I'll continue it. If, on the other hand, people think it sucks big time and ignore it, then I'll leave it. So it's up to you. Review if you like it, don't if you hate it.
And this takes place sometime in late season 4, although the last few episodes of season 3 went a bit differently, as you'll discover.
*~*~*
Chandler stared down at the picture frame in his hands, his face dark, his hands stained with tears.
Every time. It happened every time. Every time he looked at her, every time he looked at her picture, every time he saw someone that looked like her in the street. Every time he saw a mop in the window of a shop. Every time her face appeared in his head, and his heart broke out in wild convulsions. There was the expression "she is my everything". Chandler had always believed it to be overused, but it was exactly how he felt. Unfortunately, he wasn't her everything.
Sometimes he felt so angry that he'd fallen in love with her that he felt like smashing the picture on the ground. But then he'd turn the picture over again, and there was her face, smiling up at him, and he calmed, his heart still panging for her to be there next to him, but her face enough to steal his anger.
She was his calm in the storm, his oasis in the desert, his flower in the chopped down forest. But she was also the one who raged up the storm, the one who dried out the land, the one who cut the trees. She was his love, but she made him hate.
She was married. Married. And unlike some people, Chandler was not into adultery. Not that she'd have gone along with it anyway. Her husband could give her anything she wanted with just a quick phone call. He was a millionaire. And Chandler earned what- well, nowhere near as much. Pete could beat Chandler in every department. He could even have beaten him up, given his new status as Ultimate Fighting Champion.
Chandler was lonely every second. Sure there was Joey, Phoebe, Rachel and Ross, but they had no idea what went on inside Chandler's befuddled mind. They just sat next to him quietly, knowing better than to ask what the matter was.
She was his everything, but she left him with nothing.
*~*~*
Monica pressed the buzzer and waited for him to answer. After a few seconds, his voice crackled into her ears. "Hello?" he said.
"It's Monica," she said. He didn't reply, but within seconds the door swung open. She walked slowly upstairs, considering how to say what she was thinking about. It shouldn't be to hard- Chandler was her confidant. The one she told everything. She didn't know when it had switched from Rachel to Chandler. Probably around the time Rachel had gone back with Ross.
She reached apartment 19 and rapped on the door. It immediately opened, and Chandler smiled at her. "Hey," he said, closing the door again as Monica walked past.
She took a seat on one of the barcaloungers, amazed at how comfortable they were. Chandler sat down next to her, stealing a lovelorn glance at her in the second when she looked away.
"What's up?" he asked, concern in his voice. Monica looked worried.
Monica looked at him. "It's just..." started, faltering as she thought. "Well, you know how you get into a routine, but you get kind of bored of it after a while?" she asked, and Chandler nodded. "Well, I'm kind of feeling like that."
Chandler frowned. "What do you mean?" he asked.
Monica groaned and repositioned herself so she faced Chandler. "My marriage," she said bluntly. "It's just not... exciting anymore."
Chandler's eyes widened. "What?!" he spluttered.
"It's not that I don't love Pete anymore, it's just, well, it's lost it's... spark. It's not surprising or fun anymore. And that's what I want. Do you understand?" Monica asked, looking at Chandler.
He just stared at her. "You- you- you don't want to be with Pete anymore?" he asked slowly.
Monica frowned. "No. Yes. Oh, I don't know. I just.... I'm just in a place where I want some excitement in my life, and well, having everything and anything you want isn't everything. I want to be loved."
"I'm- I'm sure you are loved," said Chandler, his heart thumping wildly.
Monica smiled. "I guess so. But I still want surprises. I mean, what is life without surprises?"
-*-*-*-
She came over again today. And what she said sent my world spinning.
She doesn't want to be with him anymore. Millions of dollars and she doesn't want him anymore. I guess money isn't everything.
She said she wants excitement. If only she knew that that I could give her what she wanted given, and I'm right in front of her nose. But that's impossible. I can't tell her. It would ruin everything. And I don't want to lose her. She's all that keeps me going. But of course, if she doesn't exist, I'd have no problem.
But she does. She exists. I know that better than anyone else. I see her every second of every day. But she's not mine.
I told her she is loved. If only she knew what I'd really meant. I love her. I love her more than him. He wouldn't stop trying to be the Ultimate Fighting Champion for her when she asked him to. But he won, and they stayed together. If only they hadn't.
If only.
People always say that, and it's the most stupid sentence in the English language. Things don't change just because you want them to. It's no good wishing. You have to act.
If only I'd acted. If only I'd realised I loved her before he came along.
I don't remember falling in love with her. It's not like I woke up one day and realised "Oh! I'm in love with my best friend!". Maybe I always loved her, and never realised. Or maybe it grew, slowly progressing until it became big enough for me to see. If that were so, then it would still be swelling inside me. That's certainly what it feels like. I'll burst soon. Burst like a tomato. Red. Like a heart. A broken heart.
My heart isn't broken. She hasn't broken it. She can't if she never knew. But it hurts. It hurts more than any other pain. It's constant, panging in my chest. I try and wash it away, but it's always there. Always. Every time.
I'm her confidant. She's told me that. I'm her best friend. Not her husband, not her boyfriend, but her best friend. And once you're in that position, it's difficult to move. It's possible- Ross taught me that. But he also taught me that it means a lot of pain and heartbreak.
I don't want it to be like that. I want it to be like one of those old black and white romance movies, where the hero sweeps the woman from the grasp of the baddie and carries her off into the sunset. I want her to love me. I want her to be mine, forever and for always. But she can't. It's impossible.
And I can't tell her. She'd hate me. And I can't break them up. She'd hate me even more. She expects me to help her, to make her marriage more exciting, so that she doesn't break Pete's heart. But I don't know if I can do that. I don't want them together. I want her with me. But I want her to be happy. And I know she wants him.
She can't love me. I know that. But if only she knew.
If only. But she can't love me.
Chapter One: She Can't Love Me
A/N: I'm testing the waters with this chapter. If people like it and review, then I'll continue it. If, on the other hand, people think it sucks big time and ignore it, then I'll leave it. So it's up to you. Review if you like it, don't if you hate it.
And this takes place sometime in late season 4, although the last few episodes of season 3 went a bit differently, as you'll discover.
*~*~*
Chandler stared down at the picture frame in his hands, his face dark, his hands stained with tears.
Every time. It happened every time. Every time he looked at her, every time he looked at her picture, every time he saw someone that looked like her in the street. Every time he saw a mop in the window of a shop. Every time her face appeared in his head, and his heart broke out in wild convulsions. There was the expression "she is my everything". Chandler had always believed it to be overused, but it was exactly how he felt. Unfortunately, he wasn't her everything.
Sometimes he felt so angry that he'd fallen in love with her that he felt like smashing the picture on the ground. But then he'd turn the picture over again, and there was her face, smiling up at him, and he calmed, his heart still panging for her to be there next to him, but her face enough to steal his anger.
She was his calm in the storm, his oasis in the desert, his flower in the chopped down forest. But she was also the one who raged up the storm, the one who dried out the land, the one who cut the trees. She was his love, but she made him hate.
She was married. Married. And unlike some people, Chandler was not into adultery. Not that she'd have gone along with it anyway. Her husband could give her anything she wanted with just a quick phone call. He was a millionaire. And Chandler earned what- well, nowhere near as much. Pete could beat Chandler in every department. He could even have beaten him up, given his new status as Ultimate Fighting Champion.
Chandler was lonely every second. Sure there was Joey, Phoebe, Rachel and Ross, but they had no idea what went on inside Chandler's befuddled mind. They just sat next to him quietly, knowing better than to ask what the matter was.
She was his everything, but she left him with nothing.
*~*~*
Monica pressed the buzzer and waited for him to answer. After a few seconds, his voice crackled into her ears. "Hello?" he said.
"It's Monica," she said. He didn't reply, but within seconds the door swung open. She walked slowly upstairs, considering how to say what she was thinking about. It shouldn't be to hard- Chandler was her confidant. The one she told everything. She didn't know when it had switched from Rachel to Chandler. Probably around the time Rachel had gone back with Ross.
She reached apartment 19 and rapped on the door. It immediately opened, and Chandler smiled at her. "Hey," he said, closing the door again as Monica walked past.
She took a seat on one of the barcaloungers, amazed at how comfortable they were. Chandler sat down next to her, stealing a lovelorn glance at her in the second when she looked away.
"What's up?" he asked, concern in his voice. Monica looked worried.
Monica looked at him. "It's just..." started, faltering as she thought. "Well, you know how you get into a routine, but you get kind of bored of it after a while?" she asked, and Chandler nodded. "Well, I'm kind of feeling like that."
Chandler frowned. "What do you mean?" he asked.
Monica groaned and repositioned herself so she faced Chandler. "My marriage," she said bluntly. "It's just not... exciting anymore."
Chandler's eyes widened. "What?!" he spluttered.
"It's not that I don't love Pete anymore, it's just, well, it's lost it's... spark. It's not surprising or fun anymore. And that's what I want. Do you understand?" Monica asked, looking at Chandler.
He just stared at her. "You- you- you don't want to be with Pete anymore?" he asked slowly.
Monica frowned. "No. Yes. Oh, I don't know. I just.... I'm just in a place where I want some excitement in my life, and well, having everything and anything you want isn't everything. I want to be loved."
"I'm- I'm sure you are loved," said Chandler, his heart thumping wildly.
Monica smiled. "I guess so. But I still want surprises. I mean, what is life without surprises?"
-*-*-*-
She came over again today. And what she said sent my world spinning.
She doesn't want to be with him anymore. Millions of dollars and she doesn't want him anymore. I guess money isn't everything.
She said she wants excitement. If only she knew that that I could give her what she wanted given, and I'm right in front of her nose. But that's impossible. I can't tell her. It would ruin everything. And I don't want to lose her. She's all that keeps me going. But of course, if she doesn't exist, I'd have no problem.
But she does. She exists. I know that better than anyone else. I see her every second of every day. But she's not mine.
I told her she is loved. If only she knew what I'd really meant. I love her. I love her more than him. He wouldn't stop trying to be the Ultimate Fighting Champion for her when she asked him to. But he won, and they stayed together. If only they hadn't.
If only.
People always say that, and it's the most stupid sentence in the English language. Things don't change just because you want them to. It's no good wishing. You have to act.
If only I'd acted. If only I'd realised I loved her before he came along.
I don't remember falling in love with her. It's not like I woke up one day and realised "Oh! I'm in love with my best friend!". Maybe I always loved her, and never realised. Or maybe it grew, slowly progressing until it became big enough for me to see. If that were so, then it would still be swelling inside me. That's certainly what it feels like. I'll burst soon. Burst like a tomato. Red. Like a heart. A broken heart.
My heart isn't broken. She hasn't broken it. She can't if she never knew. But it hurts. It hurts more than any other pain. It's constant, panging in my chest. I try and wash it away, but it's always there. Always. Every time.
I'm her confidant. She's told me that. I'm her best friend. Not her husband, not her boyfriend, but her best friend. And once you're in that position, it's difficult to move. It's possible- Ross taught me that. But he also taught me that it means a lot of pain and heartbreak.
I don't want it to be like that. I want it to be like one of those old black and white romance movies, where the hero sweeps the woman from the grasp of the baddie and carries her off into the sunset. I want her to love me. I want her to be mine, forever and for always. But she can't. It's impossible.
And I can't tell her. She'd hate me. And I can't break them up. She'd hate me even more. She expects me to help her, to make her marriage more exciting, so that she doesn't break Pete's heart. But I don't know if I can do that. I don't want them together. I want her with me. But I want her to be happy. And I know she wants him.
She can't love me. I know that. But if only she knew.
If only. But she can't love me.
