Disclaimer: I own nothing here but the order in which the words are arranged. The Harry Potter characters are property of J.K. Rowling. Alice In Wonderland belongs to Lewis Carroll. And Miyuki-chan in the Wonderland belongs to that supreme manga studio, CLAMP.

WARNINGS: Everyone except Hermione is bisexual. Which means there WILL be guys loving guys and girls loving girls. Some characters tilt more towards gay than bi. If you don't like it, don't read!



~Hermione In The Wonderland~

*Chapter 7 - The Queen's Croquet Ground'*


Er - well....

The three gardeners seemed less than eager to tell the Queen what was going on. As they stammered and stuttered, Hermione looked over the Royal family.

The Queen was a tall, slender woman with long black hair and dark brown eyes. She was dressed in a skimpy outfit of strategically placed patches of red leather, held together by thin strips of red lace. Thigh-high red boots, elbow-length red gloves, a long red cloak, and a crown decorated with hearts completed the look. Hearts were on every piece of jewelry she wore.

Beside her was a young man with pale blond hair and grey eyes, dressed in a red tank top and ridiculous heart-printed hose. He carried a sceptere with a heart on top - he must be the king. And behind them was a handsome man with long red hair and a fang earring, also clad in red and hearts. This last winked at Ron, who purred.

Cho swelled indignantly at her gardeners' inability to answer her questions. Off with their heads! she shouted.

The pale-blond boy sweatdropped. Er - love - remember, the executioner's got tennis elbow from all those executions you ordered last week...

Oh... right... Cho growled. At least... off with their clothes!

the three girls groaned unhappily, but drew off their aprons. Hermione's eyes widened in horror as their hands moved simultaneously to the waistbands of their panties.

Please - your Majesty - can't they leave those on? she blurted.

Cho whirled around, looking likely to spit fire at whomever dared to speak up against her decision, and Hermione cringed. But Cho's expression suddenly softened. Very well, my dear. (Angelina, Alicia, and Katie breathed sighs of relief and crossed their arms across their chests to deflect the dreamy stares of Fred and George.) Cho sidled up to Hermione and took her arm. Wherever did you find her? she asked Sirius, her voice syrupy-sweet.

Appeared out of nowhere, Ron said helpfully, as Sirius nodded eagerly and wagged his tail.

She's adorable.... My dear, have you ever played croquet? Cho inquired, kissing Hermione's cheek.

Er... well....

It's ever such a delightful game, my love. Cho pulled Hermione into her arms, pressing the girl against her breasts. Hermione flushed in embarrassment, even more so when Cho kissed her on the mouth.

Perhaps, afterward, you'd care to see my bedroom, she said seductively. What do you say, my darling?

Um, well - Hermione gulped, aware that she was beginning to sweat.

But she was saved from answering by the King, who suddenly yelled, , drawing everyone's attention away from Hermione and Cho.

Lucius glared, a deadly cloud of - er- glitter and flower petals swirling around him. Yes, my Draco, it is I! Your father, whom you have neglected ever since you became King! Might I remind you who helped to set you on the throne! Or who, might I also remind you, took your virginity!

Draco held a hand behind his head, while everyone else looked revolted. About that.... I sent you letters, maybe they got lost in the mail...

That's what your mother always says, Lucius growled.

Uh - well -

Shut up! Lucius rapped Draco rather hard on the head with his wand. Draco's head turned into a large, ripe watermelon.

Turn him back! Cho screeched. My lovely, my king! - Her eyes fell on Bill. No - wait. Keep him a melon. Then I can have Bill as my King!

Bill shuddered convulsively at the thought of being forced to do Cho's bidding day in and day out - more so than usual, that was. He seized the wand and hit Draco with it, restoring him to normal. Cho pouted, then turned back to Hermione and took her hand. Croquet... well, we should get started! Everyone to the croquet ground!

The croquet ground was the strangest sight Hermione had seen yet. It was bordered by red rose bushes, and the lawn was smooth and well-clipped. But the wickets were decorated with hearts, and there were holes and statues all around. It looked like a bastardized mini-golf course. Guests were already gathered there - Harry, Ginny, Cedric, Percy, Charlie, and even Dumbledore, the old man of Time.

Hermione was even more flabbergasted when someone thrust a flamingo into her arms, and handed her a brown ball which proved to be a tightly curled hedgehog. Everyone else looked equally confused, except for Cho, who was beaming.

This time, I've got it right! she said proudly. This this the true way to play croquet!

(Hermione suspected Cho reinvented the game at least once a week.)

But today, we're playing strip croquet!

Hermione gulped. But no one else said a word, so she kept silent.

The game began. Sirius was the first to miss (most likely on purpose). He stripped to hoots and catcalls from the others (except for Hermione, who buried her face in her hands), kissed Remus, and went to lounge in the shade of one of the rose bushes, sniggering.

Hermione, darling! Your turn! Cho sang, eyeing the girl greedily, obviously hoping Hermione would be next to strip.

Keeping her eyes firmly planted on her hedgehog so as to avoid looking at Sirius (who was unconcernedly playing with his hair, pretending not to notice the lustful stares half the guests were giving him), Hermione hoisted the flamingo up under her arm and set her hedgehog on the ground. The flamingo twisted its head around and gave her such a puzzled look that Hermione burst out laughing. As she laughed helplessly, her hedgehog began wandering off. Sirius barked at it and gave chase, sending the flamingos into a frenzy. Squawking, they struggled out of everyone's grasp and ran amok, scattering the lawn with pink feathers.

Hermione grabbed Sirius' clothes from the ground and thrust them at him, her eyes firmly shut. Sirius obligingly got dressed, giggling. Cho was shrieking at the top of her lungs as everyone else ran around, trying to gather up the runaway flamingos. Percy tripped over a wicket and went tumbling headfirst into a bush; Fred and George crashed into each other and fell down; Dumbledore's beard was trod upon many times; Remus climbed a tree and cowered. And through it all, Hermione just laughed and laughed, clinging to a statue of Venus in order to stay upright. It was just too funny!

At long last, the flamingos had been rounded up and imprisoned in a cage Lucius had conjured up with his wand. The croquet ground was a mess. The wickets had fallen over, roses had been broken off their bushes, and the formerly neat grass was all torn up. In the middle of it all stood Cho, shrieking, tearing at her hair and stomping her feet. She looked like a three-year-old having the mother of all temper tantrums.

My croquet ground - JUST LOOK AT IT!! she howled.

Draco rushed over and tried to comfort her, but she poked him in the eye with her elbow as she ranted and raved. Draco tumbled to the ground, and Bill caught the Queen by the arms to prevent any further injuries.

Please, Cho - calm down -

MY GAME -! She was inconsolable. That's it! She pointed a finger tipped by an inch-long, bright crimson nail (topped by heart-shaped glitter) at Sirius. This is YOUR fault, Black! If you hadn't sent my birds into an uproar -

I'm sorry! Sirius cried. Pardon me! I'll even spank Draco, if you want me to!!

I've pardoned you twenty times! Cho yelled. Not THIS time! Off with his head!

I'll even let him spank ME! In front of EVERYONE!

OFF WITH HIS HEAD!

Remus wailed, throwing his arms around Sirius. I beg you, your Majesty! Don't kill my Siri!

Harry lunged forward, likewise embracing Sirius. Not my godfather, your highness! He's the only person I have left that's even close to a parent! Without him, I'd have no rules or guidance! I'd be running completely amok every day!! I'd be in a prison for sexual deviants!!

Unable to resist three scantily-clad men, Ginny dived into the pig-pile, giving everyone a good look at her lacy white thong.

It was Hermione, anyway! Lucius cut in. She laughed, upsetting the hedgehog, and Black was simply unable to keep his - er - canine instincts at bay.

Cho turned to Hermione, her eyes blazing. HERMIONE! You've ruined my game! Off with her head as well!! And she actually moved toward Hermione, her long-nailed fingers hooked into claws, as if she wanted to scratch Hermione's eyes out. Hermione backed away in a hurry.

Oh, God, help me!' she thought, panicking.

Cho was almost on top of her when a pair of arms seized Hermione around the waist and pulled her off the ground.

Hermione clutched blindly at the arms holding her, then looked up. She was cradled against the chest of a young woman with long golden hair and big, blue eyes. She was clad in a tiny white bikini, and had enormous, feathery white wings. Hermione could have cried in relief.

You saved me!

Well, I am an angel, after all, the girl replied.

Fleur! Bring her back! Cho screeched from below them.

Fleur turned and looked down at her, hovering on the spot. Not unless you promise not to harm her, she said. It wasn't Hermione who ruined your game.

It was Sirius! Lucius yelled loudly.

Sirius yelled, as Susan and Luna appeared out of nowhere and seized his arms. It's not my fault!! It was the stupid hedgehog!

Don't kill him, O Queen! Remus and Harry wailed in unison.

It wasn't his fault, either! Hermione protested.

Yes it was! Cho seethed, turning around. Sirius yelped at the sight of her long nails, which from his point of view looked very sharp.

He at least deserves a fair trial, Fleur admonished, landing and setting Hermione back on the ground.

Sirius' tail wagged. Yeah, yeah! Listen to her!

Cho tapped her foot and closed her eyes. She pressed a finger to her forehead and sighed. Oh, very well! she snapped. We'll have a trial, Black. If you're found guilty, you will be beheaded!

Sirius gulped. What if I'm innocent?

You'll get to keep your head, Cho said icily.

Sirius gulped again. S-sounds good. But - are you sure you wouldn't just like me to spank someone? Or I can take you back to my place - I've got a lot of fun stuff there -

Cho yelled, nearly taking everyone's ears off. Sirius whimpered as Susan and Luna led him away.

Hermione wrung her hands nervously. They won't really kill him, will they?

said Ron, looking troubled. Maybe if he can prove the hedgehog had a Chase Me sign on his back, or something.

Hermione followed the others to the courtroom. Remus was sobbing into an enormous handkerchief Charlie had lent him. Even Harry looked vaguely troubled, though that didn't stop him from trying to put his hand up Hermione's skirt as she passed him. She gave him a dirty look and swatted his hand away.

The courtroom hardly looked like a hall of justice. It looked more like an outdoor wedding chapel. It was surrounded by rose bushes, like the croquet ground, and everything was decorated by hearts. Rows of folding chairs faced two enormous thrones which stood on a dais. Another folding chair sat off by its lonesome, slightly to the left of the thrones. A jury box was located underneath a huge white arch overgrown with roses.

Everyone filed in and took seats. Hermione sat between Ron and Viktor, nervously twisting the hem of her pinafore between her fingers so violently that the lace trim frayed.

All around the courtroom stood many more card-girls, dressed in card-printed aprons and red panties. They were apparently there to keep order, or make sure no one tried to rescue Sirius, or something like that. Fleur floated down gracefully and perched herself on a rose-free bit of the arch, her long hair fanning out around her like a golden aura.

A large, ornate door suddenly appeared in the rosebushes. It opened, and Susan and Luna dragged Sirius out. They took him to the lone chair and tied him to it with strange, glowing purple ropes. Susan took his whip away from him and cracked it threateningly.

Hermione gulped. This looked bad.....


To Be Continued.....


(Coming Soon: Chapter 8: The Trial')



(A/N: Sorry for the long wait. I'm terrible, aren't I? I know, I know. Forgive me! I have a terrible habit of starting things and taking outrageous amounts of time to finish. Don't give up on this story! The next chapter is coming soon, I promise!)