Disclaimer: I own nothing here but the order in which the words are arranged. The Harry Potter characters are property of J.K. Rowling. Alice In Wonderland belongs to Lewis Carroll. And Miyuki-chan in the Wonderland belongs to that supreme manga studio, CLAMP.

WARNINGS: Everyone except Hermione is bisexual. Which means there WILL be guys loving guys and girls loving girls. Some characters tilt more towards gay than bi. If you don't like it, don't read!



~Hermione In The Wonderland~

*Chapter 8 - The Trial'*


Cho and Draco were the next to enter through the elaborate door. Cho had changed into a black silk dress with a plunging neck and back, and slits in the skirt that went all the way up to her waist. A bright red cloak, lined with fluffy white fur, was draped around her shoulders. Draco was dressed in what appeared to be a red bathrobe and pink bunny slippers. Bill brought up the rear, dressed in a leopard-printed loincloth that reminded Hermione forcefully of Tarzan.

Why are they dressed like that? she whispered to Ron.

I dunno. They fancy weird clothes on trial days, I can't figure out why. I asked Bill once, and he just shrugged.

Several of the guests were prodded into the jury box. Remus was among them; so were Dumbledore and Percy. There were a few others Hermione didn't know - twin girls who looked distinctly Indian; a tall boy with dreadlocks; two muscle-bound, thick-looking thugs with bad haircuts.

Sirius' tail was wagging uncertainly. I didn't do anything, Your Majesties, can I go? He yelped as Susan poked him with the butt of his whip.

Cho roared. Sirius cowered, whimpering. Remus burst into tears in the jury box.

Cho eyed the crowd until every one of the card-girls were in place (including Angelina, Alicia, and Katie, who had finally been allowed to put their aprons back on) and the spectators were silent. Then she beckoned to Harry, who approached, carrying a roll of parchment. He unrolled it and began to read it, his voice and his rabbit ears shaking.

We are gathered here to hear the testimony of Sirius Black, hereafter called the accused, and to judge whether or not the accused is guilty of ruining the Queen's croquet game and worthy of being de - decapitated.

Hermione gulped. Sirius whined again, looking scared. Hermione felt very badly for him. He had been kind to her ever since they met, and she couldn't bear to see Remus sobbing over it all.

First witness! Cho barked. The Mad Hatter!

Cedric came forward, clutching his buttery pocketwatch in one hand and his George Washington teacup in the other. Cho ran an appraising eye over him. You're as attractive as they say, she purred. You and I might have to have our own little trial after this.

Cedric gulped and took a sip of tea, making an odd noise that might or might not have been an affirmative answer. Well, then! What is your evidence?! Cho bellowed at him.

Er - well... Cedric swallowed hard. Look, I know Sirius can be a little weird at times - but he's really a good person! Look, once he bought Remus a solid gold letter opener, he's always showering him with gifts -

THE CROQUET GAME, Cho overruled him.

Oh, fine - well, it certainly was beautiful, your garden, your Majesty, there's no denying that. As far as I could see, a lovely game.

Cho shrieked.

the dog-man asked, looking hopeful.

NOT YOU!!! Cedric - talk about SIRIUS, or I'll - I'll - I'll make you watch Severus' Knickers!

The mere mention of Wonderland's most infamous and easily scariest porn film was enough for Cedric. Okay, Sirius - I told you, he's a great guy - um. Croquet. Last week he tried to cheat at it, but tripped over a wicket and got his club stuck in a hole.

Cho considered this. So he cheats! But get on with it! What about TODAY'S game?!

Oh, right. He - er - chased a hedgehog.

You state the obvious too much, Hatter, Cho said crossly. Get out of my sight.

Cedric hurried away, and Draco nervously called the next witness - H - Hermione!

Hermione was stunned to hear her name called; she stood up quickly and hurried to stand before the King and Queen. Just to be safe, she curtsied. Sirius' tail wagged wildly. He looked hopefully at Hermione. You can get me off, right?

Of course, Hermione said, patting his head. You'll be fine.

No he won't! Cho raged. Off with his head!

Hermione said so loudly and firmly that Cho stopped scowling and looked at her, very surprised. Hermione stroked Sirius' hair and looked rather hard at the Queen. All right, I'm ready, she said. Ask me anything.

What colour knickers are you wearing, darling? Cho cooed, recovering quickly.

Anything pertaining to the trial! Hermione said, blushing.

Cho pouted. Oh, very well. Did Sirius chase the hedgehog or not?

Well, yes, he did -

Cho yelled triumphantly, jumping to her feet in excitement. He's guilty! Off with his head!

Hermione put her arms around Sirius' neck. No! I haven't finished! He is part dog, in case you haven't noticed! He couldn't help himself! All dogs chase hedgehogs! You can't punish him for that!

Of course I can! I'm the Queen! Cho whined.

You can't hurt him, he's innocent! You're nothing but a violent, whiny, sex-obsessed, sleazy-dressing bitch!

Cho leapt to her feet, in a towering rage. I've had it! I will not be spoken to like that! Off with BOTH their heads!

Remus shrieked. Not my Siri!

Sirius and Hermione squeaked in fear and held onto each other as the card-girls descended on them, carrying axes and huge scimitars stained with old blood.

I guess this is the end! Hermione cried.

I love you, Remmie! Sirius sobbed. I love you, Harry!

As all the card-girls raised their weapons, Hermione and Sirius were suddenly pulled off their feet and into the sky. They stopped crying and dared to open their eyes. They were hovering above the heads of everyone in the court, securely held by Fleur.

Now that's what I call divine intervention, Sirius said to Hermione.

Fleur! Bring them here! Cho yelled.

No! No one's having their heads chopped off while I'm around!

Cho smiled, batting her eyelashes seductively at Fleur. All right then. I won't behead them. That is, I won't if they join me for a few... delights... in the bathhouse....

That's quite all right, Hermione said with a small shudder. You can go delight yourself.

That's the classiest way I've ever heard anyone tell anyone else to go screw themselves, Ron said in awe.

Cho seized Lucius' wand. Never mind! I'll take care of you myself, then! She started shooting bright pink lazer beams from the wand. Fleur swerved, ducked, and dodged, keeping Hermione and Sirius out of harm's way.

Cho pointed the wand at them again. Nothing happened. It merely fizzled and refused to do anything. Cho looked down at the wand's handle. Batteries low?! What the hell?!

Great, those were the last batteries I had, too! Lucius scowled, snatching the wand away from her. I can't power my wand on glitter and flower petals alone!

Fred and George collapsed into a giggling heap on the floor at the unintentional double-entendre of that sentence. Lucius glared.

Fleur landed, setting Sirius and Hermione safely on their feet. Cho, be a good Queen, and admit defeat, she demanded. After all, this whole mess was your fault.

My - my fault?! Cho looked likely to explode. How is it MY fault?!

First off, you were playing croquet with flamingos and hedgehogs! Fleur said irritably. You stupid witch, don't you know croquet is played with mallets and balls?

No it isn't! Cho seized a book out of midair, entitled Rules of Croquet. She scanned through a few pages, her frown deepening more with every page she turned.

I told you so, Fleur said.

Fine! Fine! Cho said, flinging down the book. I won't kill them! An evil grin spread across her face. But - Sirius... I'll pardon you only if you and Remus do something for me.

What would that be? Sirius asked warily.

Have sex right here! This instant!

Sirius' tail wagged. Now that, I like the sound of. Come on, Remmie, let's show Her Majesty what we can do, and how many positions we can do it in!

Sounds good, Remus purred, allowing himself to be drawn into his lover's arms.

Hermione yelled, before Remus and Sirius could even start kissing. I don't want to see this!

Why not? Harry asked her. I've been dying to see this for a loooong time.

Yeah, it's just about the hottest thing you could ever hope to see, Ginny drooled.

I'm sorry, but I don't want to watch anyone having sex! Especially not half-men, half-dogs!

Excuse me, I'm part wolf! Remus said indignantly.

You're a real spoilsport, Sirius mumbled.

Cho turned beet red. OFF WITH HER HEAD!

Hermione said loudly as the card-girls surrounded her. You're nothing but a pack of cards!

At that, the whole pack of cards rose up into the air, and came flying down upon her. Shrieking in fright, Hermione flailed her arms and tried to beat them off; and she awoke to find herself lying on the bank with her head on her mother's knee. Her mother was gently brushing away some dead leaves that had fallen from the tree onto Hermione's face.

Wake up, Hermione, dear! her mother exclaimed. My, what a long asleep you've had!

I had the most curious dream, Hermione said, sitting up and rubbing at her eyes.

Do you want to tell me about it?

Hermione remembered it all - Harry and Ginny, trying to get their hands up her skirt; Sirius, Remus, and the Wall of Torture; Fred and George's snuggling; Lucius in the dress; Cho and her skimpy outfits; being kissed by girls; almost having to witness public sex between two men. What would her mother think about all that?

No.... I can't remember much of it, she lied, getting to her feet. Let's go home and have tea now, please, Mother?

All right, my dear. Her mother stood as well and took her hand. Together, they started down the path towards home.

As they walked, Hermione slipped her hand into the pocket of her pinafore. *Squish.*

Drawing her hand out, she was horrified to see yellow frosting on her fingers. Hastily wiping it off on her hanky, she peeked into her pocket. Remus' cakes were still there - along with half a crumpet from Cedric's tea party. And now that she looked carefully, there were hairs on the front of her pinafore. Some were short and orangey, like cat hairs - and one strand of long, black, human hair.

Hermione gulped.


~Owari!~


(A/N: So, Hermione's adventures in Wonderland... were they all a dream, or real? Who knows... Even I don't know. I just wanted a little bit of a twist at the end!!)