[ A/N: Okay, major writers' block was happening to me, but I'm trying to over come it with this chapter of entries. If her 'plan' doesn't live up to your expectations, so sorry. I couldn't really think of anything for her to do. She's practically helpless. But thanks for all the reviews! You all made me smile! Just wanted to remind you all, this is an AU – So things might not seem as they should seem, ex: Cole treating her like this. (I might make a another story on Cole's POV to explain some of the hurt, and confusion from Phoebe.) And don't forget, he's a bit insane now. :X Anyway, I'm stalling so you all don't have to read this horrible chapter of entries! But I hope you all like it, anyhow. Don't forget to R/R! ]





Watching me, wanting me

I can feel you hold me down

Fearing you, loving you

I won't let you hold me down . . .


Entry Six


I-I can't believe what just happened . . . yet I can. It's so confusing to me. I'M so confusing. I hardly make sense to myself anymore. That whole plan, well I must have been on crack, or just very confident. I guess I should explain to you what happened, when I saw, him, huh? Don't think I did anything great, because I didn't. I sort of backed out on it, or in other words I chickened out. But, not because I was scared. It was something else . . . something about him made me not want to leave him, not want to give him any more hurt. But that little inner voice told me, I shouldn't give in. I must fight back. But how could I fight back, when . . . I . . . love him?

See now, something's wrong with me. How can I just fall in love with a demon, who's clearly only interested in me for my body, doesn't care for any of my feelings and treat's me like this? Especially some on the verge of being labeled insane.

DAMMIT!

I hate this. I hate this feeling of confusion and hurt, yet sympathy and love. How can a person have so many emotions as I do, and stand it? . . . Every time I'm with him, I'm whole again. I don't feel that void in me, that's been building up ever since I came to this place. I feel secure in his arms, I feel loved when he kisses me, I feel alive when we make love. But he doesn't feel that does he? I'm just a concubine to his knowledge. A possession he can hold gently and easily break with one snap.

. . . all of this making my head hurt even more. Thinking is just complicated now, I can't even sort out what I should do, I feel helpless. But now with him, never with him.

I'll tell you about tonight in the next entry. I have no more energy to tell you want had happened. Good night my sweet diary.





Entry Seven


It's morning now, and I feel a little be calmer and refreshed, and not as much as confused as I was yesterday night. Now I'll tell you want happened.

They took me to see him again, and I was expecting to deliver my plan out on him with triumph. But once I entered his room, candles lit, a table to the side with two chairs, and plates set up with utensils. This was certainly odd to me, was he on a date with some demon woman? But then I saw him step from out of the shadows and into clear view. Smiling down upon me, wearing a tuxedo. Now, everything was getting really odd. He gave me a small kiss on the cheek, his lips lingering there for a second and then whispered into my ear,

"You're dress, is on the bed." Pointing at the maroon colored dress, which held something of a graceful look to it. A cross between something a beautiful Greek Goddess would wear and yet without so many layers.

My feet moved on auto, to the bed, running my hand up the fine clothing. I hadn't had anything so fine as that in a long time, and all I could do was stare at it in awe.

He chuckled at me, when he saw me just look at him dumbfounded, and then walked next to me, picking up the delicate dress.

"I was hoping you'd do me the honor and wear this for tonight. Unless, you wish to keep in those . . ." Cole's eyes scanned me up and down, a small smirk appearing on his face.

Finally coming to the conclusion that the whole table get up was for dinner, and since I hadn't had my dinner meal, it must have been for me. I was going to eat with him. That's a first, I had thought to myself. I looked myself over, then looked at the dress, and grabbed it out of his hand.

"I thought so." He said, then turned around to give me a little privacy as I changed into the gown. This was also new to me. Why all of the sudden a change of mood?

Once I had the gown on me, I discarded the useless clothing underneath the bed, and tried my best to fix my hair and appear, while looking in the mirror. Once satisfied, I walked over to the table, Cole pulling out a chair for me, and then tucking me neatly in. This was all bizarre for me. But I took it step by step. I still remember to execute my plan on him that I had to say on track. He was only probably doing this as a ploy to get on my good side. But Oh, I thought. He was working really well so far, to get on my good side.

I have to say, the dinner was marvelous, I was so hungry, that when my eyes landed on all the juicy food, I felt that I might gobble up everything on my plate on his and whatever else came. But I restrained myself, and just ate everything given to me. I guess you can say that it was somewhat of a typical dinner date, food, little chit chat, and wine.

Maybe, because of me having some of that wine, made me get side tracked and made me forget to continue the flow for my plan? Or was it something else? I know I didn't drink that much to make me forget what I came there to really do. Not to indulge myself in conversation with him, not to laugh, flirt or even feel my own heart betray my own thoughts and fall love with him. I had never anticipated it, never. I thought it would be all like the other times I went there. But yesterday was different, I saw a different side of Cole. The Cole I fell in love with long ago, and that was slowly dying inside of the demon Cole who had taken over.

I lost my heart, my body and my soul to him that night. Everything I thought I owned, was given to him. An uneven trade I say, because I didn't get much in return, just the glimpse of a man that I loved. When we made love, that's when I knew I had lost all those possessions and handed it to him on a golden platter.

My plan wasn't to give him, not to satisfy him, not to love him, not to give my heart away, nor my soul. My body, was already far gone, but everything else I owned, was still mine. Something he couldn't take away, only given freely. And yet, I didn't do what I had planned. I did the exact opposite. I loved him for Christ sakes! And when I saw his eyes, when I looked deeply into them, I saw everything. I saw his suffering, his pain, his love, his anguish. A saw a man trapped and torn between one thing and another thing. Between love and hate. But that night, his good side won over, I saw it come alive within his eyes. I saw the loving man, and everything I wanted Cole to stay as.

This man didn't use me as a concubine. I was as a wife to him, the love of his life. Everything that happened was out of the pure goodness (or what was left of it) of his heart, the love he shared for me. Nothing less.

And I think that's what made me forget my mission, but as our night ended, that magical night gone. The real Cole I loved, slowly backed down inside, and that demon of Cole resurfaced. As I was taken back to my room, I was given new clothes, not ragged or old. But nice white, comfortable ones.

Even now, that I think back on yesterday night. I know that it was probably the last time I would see the Cole I love. And this demon of Cole, which walks around, looking like him, talking like him, I will never believe to be as my other Cole. Even if sometimes he could make me forget, even if he sometimes makes me feel whole, and loved, the other Cole, the one that loves me, would do anything for me, never would hurt me like this, he makes me feel even better, even more alive than ever. I won't let demon-Cole hold me down, I will, and I promise I will get out of here, and vanquish his sorry ass. Or maybe . . . just the demon side of Cole . . .


[TBC! Okay, that sucked. The plan wasn't great, but it was at least . . . something! Now, Review, please! And maybe I'll make the next chapter a bit better, hopefully. This brain cramp sucks.


Songs listened to:


Give Unto Me - Evanescence

Anywhere - Evanescence

Anything For You - Evanescence

I Must Be Dreaming - Evanescence ]