Entry Eight
Haunting me, I can smell you – Alive
Your heart pounding in my head . . .
That night plays over and over in my head, behind my eyelids when I close them to rest, when my eyes are open, gazing around my room, and just for a mere second I can see it. I can see it materialize before me. Then disappear just as quickly as I conjured up the image. Call me crazy, but I miss him. Miss him, miss the real Cole I loved and still love. My heart aches for him. It no longer comforts me, or satisfies me, whatever it did for me before, it no longer happens when I go to him each night.
Why?
Because it isn't him. It's the impersonator that is only interested in my body and no more, and I've probably spent most of my entries explaining about his behavior is toward me. Nothing but a concubine.
It's still morning, and I'm hoping, hoping, wishing, dreaming, praying that tonight, I'll get to see, get to touch, view, talk to the Cole I love. That he'll resurface, and for another night, beat down that demon inside him. I hope so much, which I'm afraid I put too much hope into it, that my heart will break. I've so far been able to keep my heart in one piece, but tonight, if all else fails, if there is no hope, and it's the same thing, same torture to me, my heart will break. And I don't think I will survive this fatal blow in one piece, but come back shattered.
I hope so much . . .
Entry Nine
I feel utterly disgusted with myself. I gave myself too much confidence, gave him too much hope, too much of my heart. I feel it had been smashed into a thousand pieces that I will have to gather up now, one by one, before it's too late, and I have no heart left.
Tonight was a waste. It was the very opposite of a dream. It was a nightmare. A disappointment. Tonight was every reason why I told myself, not to hope, not to dream. Because there was no hope, there never was. Every night when I went to sleep dreaming of seeing my love return to me, was all but that, a dream. Not reality.
When I went to him, I had a full heart that I would be able to see, my love, instead when I got there, it was only him. Not Cole, but him. I tried to see if I could get Cole to resurface, but it didn't happen. I talked to him, tried to see if by doing this act would loosen things up.
However, when I brought my lips to his and whispered those three words. Those words I ached so badly to hear from his lips. To hear his voice call out my name proclaiming his love to me. And as I descended my lips toward him, he stopped me, placing all but two fingers on them, backing away slightly.
"Don't" He whispered to me and that was all.
It moved onto being as it would have been, as it is each night. My tears where nothing as they slid down my cheeks. Cole wasn't there, never would be. And I am condemned to live a life as a possession.
[A/N: Ah, I hope this was a pleasant chapter. =/ Can't say I really like it, but I had to update this fic! I am NOT abandoning it, even if I had a tendency to do that. I just had a major brain cramp, and since now I'm in school, hee, my brain is starting to work again! Plus, my muse has given me inspiration to write. :] Hope you've enjoyed! Now, REVIEW! Even if they're BAD reviews! Constructed criticism! (Hee, even though I would like nice reviews.) Sorry it took so long to update. Eep. ]
