Title: When hunger talks

Spoilers: I can spoil milk as fast as making this fic!

Disclaimer: I haven't figured out how to alter JK's memory but when I do... never mind.

Summary: The Marauders somehow got lost in the Forbidden Forest and decided to take it in and accept that they're not getting out. So they sit under a tree and just – talk. Well, until someone gets hungry.

Author's Notes: I was once called errrrrr, by the way, and I wanted to make my one errrrrr fic alive again. Watch out.

****

Sirius: I'm bored.

Remus: (sarcastically) Well that's unbelievably new.

Sirius: Is it? I'm bored.

Remus: Stop that! You've only been saying that at least ten times.

Sirius: Ten? I must be losing my touch... I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm –

James: Well it's not my fault we're here.

Remus: I thought we were done with that.

James: I thought so too. But that was three hours ago.

Peter: Can we just look for a way out? I'm sure someone else is hungry.

Remus: How can you think about food at a time like this?

Sirius: I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm –

James: He always thinks about food, Moony. Sheesh, what's with you today? Could you please stop that, Padfoot?

Sirius: Well, I AM bored.

James: Then do something worthwhile.

Peter: Like fetch me something to eat.

Sirius: *grabs a stick and hands it to Peter* You're lucky if this happens to be a bowtruckle who just ate woodlice.

Peter: Gross. Could you throw that away?

Sirius: Stop acting like a girl and just eat it.

James: Are you out of your mind? It's just a stick.

Sirius: Are you saying my mind's a stick or my stick is just a mind or -?

James: Honestly, what's with us today? We're the Marauders. We're the height of cool, we're looked up to, we're at the top of our classes –

Sirius: At least I am.

James: *ignores Sirius* and what's good about being Marauders is that we never give up!

Remus: I thought we just did.

James: Oh yeah. Well, nice knowing you.

Remus: What do you mean?

James: Well, if we're going to be stuck here forever we'll have to eat, right?

Remus: (hesitantly) Right...

James: So one of us has to be eaten.

Remus & Peter: WHAT?

Sirius: That's an incredible idea, Prongs! I vote Remus to be eaten first.

Remus: Why me?

Sirius: Because if we still survive for three weeks, you are going to turn into a werewolf and no doubt eat us all.

Remus: I don't eat junk food.

James: I disagree with Sirius.

Remus: Thank you!

James: If Remus does turn into a werewolf, we can turn into Animagi and if we do Remus can't eat us.

Remus: Exactly!

James: But we can certainly eat him after that when he's all weak and stuff.

Peter: To me, eating Remus is like eating a tarantula. Either you bite it or it bites you, you'll just end up poisoned.

Sirius: Well that was surprisingly intellectual of you, Peter.

James: But we're still eating Remus, right?

Remus: Oh how supportive of you, James. Well since you suggested it, I vote you be eaten first.

Sirius: That makes sense...

James: Sirius, you wouldn't know sense if it bit you in the arse.

Sirius: Is that so? Well I vote James to be eaten - roasted. *smirks*

Remus: Splendid!

James: No fair! What about Peter? He's chubby and fat and full of meat! He's practically doing nothing but eat all day! He's bound to be tasty!

Sirius: Now that you've mentioned it...

Peter: No way! I'm damp, cold, and in the Forbidden Forest! I'm not in the mood to be eaten.

James: Alright, let's do it again. I vote Sirius to be eaten. That's my final decision.

Sirius: No way, look at me.

Remus: We are, can't you tell?

Sirius: I mean I'm lean, thin, and implausibly remarkable. You can't eat me.

Remus: Well I vote Peter to be eaten first. Then Sirius. Then James.

Sirius: Why the hell is that?

Remus: Because like James said, Peter's tasty. You – you're just irritating me. James is last because if he turns into a stag, that makes him yummier.

Sirius: I vote Remus be eaten. After all, how are we sure you won't bite us while we're eating someone else?

James: Well one vote for Sirius, one for Peter, and one for Remus. Wormtail, it's up to you. Sirius or Remus? You won't vote yourself, after all.

Remus: Well why can't he vote for you? After all, you can turn into a stag.

James: Because I play Quidditch.

Sirius: Is there any connection?

James: Yes. If I get out of here, I can still play and lead the team to victory.

Sirius: That's if you get out.

Peter: I told you idiots. I'm damp, cold, and in the Forbidden Forest. I'm not in the mood to vote.

Sirius: Vote for Remus, Peter, and I'll give you my sweater.

Remus: (sarcastically) Well that's reasonable. Picking a sweater over a friend.

Peter: Yeah, I suppose it is. Alright Sirius, give me the sweater.

James: You're actually taking it? Just how shrewd are you, moron?

Peter: Hey, stop calling me moron! Fine, I vote James to be eaten.

Sirius: Well this turned out as stupid as the one who suggested it.

Remus: That coming from someone who called this idea "incredible".

James: Whatever. So who are we eating?

Remus: No one, obviously. You voted for Sirius, I voted for Peter, Sirius voted for me, and Peter voted for you.

Peter: I'm still hungry. Why can't one of us just decide who the rest of us are going to eat?

James: Exactly! Well, being the leader, I want Sirius to be eaten.

Sirius: And who said you could say I get eaten?

Remus: Fine let's just draw straws.

Peter: We don't have any straws.

James: Then let's draw wands.

Sirius: Or we duel. Last man standing gets to say who gets eaten.

Remus: Let's just draw wands. It's too dangerous to duel.

James: No, I actually want to duel. Me and Sirius, you and Peter.

Remus: My, this is thrilling.

Sirius: Petrificus Totalus!

James: *drops petrified*

Sirius: *points wand at Peter* Stupefy!

Peter: *drops unconscious*

Remus: *raises his wand*

Sirius: *points wand at Remus* Expelliarmus!

Remus: Protego! Stupefy!

Sirius: *drops wandless and unconscious*

Remus: Well... that was fun after all.