A/N: This piece of fic is pretty depressing, so if you´re uncomfortable with heavy emotional stuff, do not read this!
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Car – Next Morning
The trees were a blur, painting the sidewalks in a stream of passing green. Buildings seemed to flow together, creating a high wall of no beginning or end. The faces of people were like floating masks, mingling together into one sick grimace.
At least he was safe inside his car. It was his shield from the outside world, from reality. His secret little hideout.
If you weren´t looking too closely he would seem calm to you, even relaxed, but his eyes were telling a different story altogether. They were like a churning sea on the verge of a thunderstorm, because, in truth, he just felt confused, angry and numb. Like all those years ago. Helpless in a way where you don´t know what to say or do. You just sit there with the hope that you will wake up tomorrow and everything will have been a bad dream. A mad game your mind played on you. And then, it´s the next day and it wasn´t a dream because the nighmare has become reality and now there is no escaping it.
He was holding the steering wheel in a vice-like grip as if afraid to let go. He had never been good at letting go, he clung to people. Sometimes to the point where it became obsessed. Everbody who knew him well enough had told him so over time. Breathing was becoming increasingly difficult all of a sudden. Sweat was slowly dotting his forehead, forming a pattern of despair and heartache. The lump in his throat that had begun making itself known only a few hours ago, was now pulsing and growing bigger with every single heartbeat. His heart itself was beating a staccato rhythm all its own. His blood was rushing through his veins as if on a mad race trying to outrun his body. Suddenly, his car became too stiffling, too hot. He couldn´t breathe. He had to get out. Now.
Swerving into the next parking lot, he hurried out of the car and promptly threw up on the pavement. He didn´t know how long he stood there, bent over and retching out all his pent-up emotions. A moment, maybe two. Time didn´t matter. What mattered was that this one person was dead. Absent in his life.
After he was done, his legs didn´t seem to have the energy to hold him up anymore. They were buckling under his own weight, maybe more.
So, he just sat there. The cold morning air wrapped itself around him like a blanket. He was starting to shiver. Tremors like small earthquakes were spreading across his frame. He couldn´t stop it. His control was slipping. It felt like a hand was trying to squeeze his heart to a nonexisting dot on that large scale called life.
He kept seeing it in his mind´s eye as if it had happened only yesterday: commotion outside the house, the bright flashing lights of the police car. The unexpected knock on the door.
This couldn´t be happening. No. This wasn´t happening. No. He clamped his eyes shut. He felt like crying. No. One sob. Then another. Accompanied by the steady tunes of his car radio.
I´ve got some scattered pictures lying on my bedroom floor
Reminds me of the times we shared
Makes me wish that you were here
Now it seems I´ve forgotten my purpose in this life
All the songs have been erased
Guess I´ve learned from my mistakes
Sobs were wracking his body, shaking him like a leaf. Anguish tore at his throat. He couldn´t catch his breath. His eyes stung. Something wet was leaving a trail down his face, tasting salty when it touched his lip. He opened his eyes and followed one tear as it dropped from his chin, landing on the ground. He could almost hear its terminating splash as it merged with the pavement.
Open the past and present now and we are there
Story to tell and I am listening
Open the past and present and the future too
It´s all I´ve got and I´m giving it to you
Loose ends tied in knots leaving a lump down in my throat
Gagging on a souvenir
Lodged to fill another year
Drag it on and on until my skin is ripped to shreds
Leaving my self wide open
Living out a sacrifice
If you got no one and I got no place to go
Would it be alright? Could it be alright?
Minutes passed. Hours? He didn´t know nor did he care. What difference did it make anyway.
Now, he just sat there, staring into the void his life had become. How had everything gone downhill so fast? Spiraling towards nothingness. Just yesterday all had been fine. He had even laughed with Melissa. He loved her, she loved him. As simple as that. But now, it all seemed like a lifetime ago. If he could look into a mirror now, he surely would see another face, another person. He wouldn´t recognize himself because it wouldn´t be him. It would be someone else staring back. A grimace made up of his past, of all those forgotten memories.
He wanted to scream. To curse. He just wanted ... him back. And that was impossible. As impossible as catching stars at night with your bare hands. A dream. Nothing more. A wish not to be granted. An illusion shattered by life.
He felt empty. Kind of sagged in on himself. As if someone had sucked the air right out of his body along with his energy.
His heart was thundering in his chest. He was choking on the heavy gulps of air forced into his lungs. The rushing in his ears was getting louder wih every thud of his racing heart.
And then.
Silence.
Oblivion.
"... all right?"
He became aware of voices. He blinked. Standing over him was a woman, maybe in her mid-thirties. Her face had that hard quality to it when you work too much and live even less.
He gave her a puzzled frown. Noticing that she had caught his attention, she asked again.
"Are you all right?"
He looked first at her, then around himself, then back up at her. He shook his head. A forlorn expression on his face.
"No." he mumbled to himself. Nothing was all right. Ignoring her, he scrambled to his feet. A wave of dizziness washed over him, making him feel lightheaded. He stumbled the few steps toward his vehicle.
The car was just as he had left it: the key in the ignition, motor running, radio on. He got in and drove away feeling even worse than before. He was getting nervous. He had to do something, anything to stop that pain.
But how?
How can you stop the pain of losing your only brother?
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I admit, this one was depressing. But that´s just how you feel if you have lost a person you loved very much. I know, because it happened to me.
I promise to make it a bit lighter in the next chap! By the way, the song is "Scattered" from Green Day.
