A/N~ Sorry, this one's a bit long. :P As I said, basic story/characters Shakespeare's, dialogue--and a few authorial liberties--mine unless otherwise noted. Enjoy! (Act 3 coming soon.)
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As You Like It, Abridged
Act II
Scene 1. The Forest of Arden.
Enter DUKE SENIOR, AMIENS, and other random LORDS, including LORD 1 and LORD 2.
DUKE SENIOR: Camping out in the forest is sure fun!
AMIENS: (extremely PERKY, as ALWAYS) Sure is, yupyupyup. In fact, it's so fun I could just SING!
EVERYONE ELSE: NO!
AMIENS: Dammit.
DUKE SENIOR: C'mon, let's go kill us some deer! But, y'know, I kinda feel bad for the poor things...
LORD 1: So does Jaques. In fact, my buddy Amiens and I just saw him crying over a wounded deer. Wimp.
DUKE SENIOR: Ooooh! Is he still there?
LORD 2: Yup.
DUKE SENIOR: C'mon, let's go see! Man, I love arguing with him when he's depressed...
LORD 2: Yup.
Exeunt OMNES.
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Scene 2. A room in DUKE FRED's palace.
Enter DUKE FRED, majorly PISSED, and random LORDS and ATTENDANTS, including LORD 1 and LORD 2. DIFFERENT ones this time.
DUKE FRED: WHERE THE H*** ARE THEY?
LORD 1: Heck, I dunno.
LORD 2: (suddenly remembers) Oh, uh, by the way, the fool...whatsisname...is gone, too. And, uh, the girls' maidservant thinks they went off with that, uh, wrestler dude.
DUKE FRED: /NOW/ you tell me?!?!?! (seethes) Okay, one of you numskulls go tell his brother to bring him here. Or else.
Exeunt OMNES.
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Scene 3. Before OLIVER's house. Not after, not during, but before. (Kidding, it means in front of.)
Enter ORLANDO and ADAM, from OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS.
ORLANDO: Who's that?
ADAM: (blink) Young master? Oh, dear young master! Oh, good young master! Oh, kind young master! Oh, gentle young--
ORLANDO: Um...could you get to the point already?
ADAM: Don't go in the house! Your brother...no, he doesn't deserve to be called your brother...then the son...no, he doesn't deserve to be called the son of the guy I was just going to call his father either...no, wait...
ORLANDO: (clears throat) Oliver. Yes. And?
ADAM: Er, yeah. Anyway. He's gonna kill you! Go away!
ORLANDO: Where? Should I be a beggar or something? I'd rather let him kill me.
ADAM: (mutters) Idealistic little... (aloud) No, no, you don't have to do that. I've got money! See? And you can have it, too! And me as a servant, even though I'm all old and decrepit and would probably slow you down more than anything else!
ORLANDO: Ooooh! Thanks! Sounds good to me.
ADAM: Off we go, into the wild blue yonder...
Exeunt ORLANDO and ADAM.
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Scene 4. Somewhere else in the Forest of Arden. A large sign has been nailed onto one of the trees.
Enter ROSALIND disguised as "GANYMEDE" the SHEPHERD LAD, CELIA disguised as "ALIENA" the SHEPHERD LASS, and TOUCHSTONE disguised as TOUCHSTONE.
ALIENA/CELIA: (whining) I'm tiiiiiired and I'm huuuuuungry and my feeeeeet hurt and I'm all /dirty/ /all/ /over/! (pout)
TOUCHSTONE: Tough. So are we.
GANYMEDE/ROSALIND: (reading the SIGN) "The Forest of Arden." Cool.
Enter CORIN, SILVIUS and several SHEEP. Somehow, they can't see "GANYMEDE" et al.
CORIN: Nonono, you idiot, she'll despise you even more if you do /that/!
SILVIUS: (rhetorical question) Corin, do you know how much I love her?
CORIN: (starts RECITING what he's heard a GAZILLION TIMES before) More than the sun, moon and stars...more than any other man ever loved any other woman...more than words could possibly describe...
SILVIUS: (not listening) I love her more than the sun, moon and...(CORIN continues to RECITE, and SILVIUS finally starts PAYING ATTENTION) wait! No! No! STOP IT!
CORIN: Why? Did I forget something?
SILVIUS: You're stealing all my lines! No fair! (runs away sobbing)
Exit SILVIUS.
CORIN: Oooookay then.
GANY/ROZ: Poor guy, he reminds me of me and 'Lando-sweety-pookums...(trails off into lovey-dovey REVERIE)
TOUCHSTONE: I remember when I loved a milkmaid once and did stupid things like that. (launches into LENGTHY STRING of rather NAUGHTY JOKES)
ALI/CEL: (feeling IGNORED) Guyyyyys, I'm dying of hunger here and nobody cares?! (sniffles)
TOUCHSTONE: Oh, fine. (yells over to CORIN) OY! LUNKHEAD WITH THE SHEEP!
ROSALIND: (sighs) Shut up, fool.
CORIN: Eh? Who's that?
ROSALIND: (starts talking in "GANYMEDE VOICE") We're over here. Yo.
CORIN: Hey.
GANY/ROZ: Any good fast-food places or motels around here?
CORIN: (stares) Um, you're in a /forest/.
GANY/ROZ: So?
CORIN: (grumbles to SELF) Danged city slickers. (aloud) Well, I could take you up to my master's. Not much there, though, the place is for sale.
GANY/ROZ: (gets ANOTHER of her BRILLIANT IDEAS) Hey, think we could buy it? We've got the money and everything.
CORIN: Uhm...(GANY/ROZ displays LARGE BAG of GOLD) Sure, I guess. Right this way, please.
Exeunt OMNES.
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Scene 5. Somewhere else in the Forest of Arden. A different somewhere else this time.
Enter AMIENS, JAQUES, and random LORDS. AMIENS is SINGING HORRIBLY, JAQUES is LOOKING ON with misty-eyed ADORATION, and the LORDS are STRAGGLING behind with COTTON WADS stuck prominently in their EARS.
AMIENS: (NAILS SCREECHING across a BLACKBOARD) Don't worry, be happy...
JAQUES: (sighs dreamily) More, sing more...
LORDS: NOOOOOO!
AMIENS: (pretending RELUCTANCE) Well...I dunno, maybe I shouldn't...
LORDS: YES! YES! YES!
JAQUES: (getting ANNOYED) MORE! And you idiots shut up!
AMIENS: Wellllll...okay. But only if you say the magic word.
JAQUES: (peremptorily) Please. Now sing.
LORDS stuff more COTTON in their EARS and HUM LOUDLY.
AMIENS: (CAT whose TAIL has been STEPPED ON) If I were a rich mannnnnnn...
JAQUES: (closes eyes blissfully) Ah, music...
AMIENS finally finishes his SONG. JAQUES gets GRUMPY and delivers a few INCOMPREHENSIBLE INSULTS aimed at the snickering LORDS.
Exeunt OMNES.
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Scene 6. Yet /another/ Somewhere Else in the Forest of Arden. It's a very big forest, apparently.
Enter ORLANDO and ADAM.
ADAM: (collapses)
ORLANDO: (picks up ADAM)
Exeunt ORLANDO and ADAM.
AUDIENCE: ...that's it?
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Scene 7. Scene 5's Somewhere Else in the Forest of Arden. A picnic has been spread out on the ground.
Enter DUKE SENIOR, AMIENS, and random LORDS, minus COTTON WADS.
DUKE SENIOR: Now where did that darned Jaques go?
LORD 1: He left just a minute ago. He was listening to...(chokes and glances at AMIENS)...a song.
DUKE SENIOR: Well, go get him, I want to talk to him.
Enter JAQUES, SKIPPING around HAPPILY. Everyone STARES.
DUKE SENIOR: Um...who are you and what did you do with the melancholy Jaques?
JAQUES: (BOUNCES UP and DOWN) I met a fool! And it was cool! And he talked about time! And I like rhyme! And I wanna be a fool too! Yippee! Wahoo!
EVERYONE ELSE: O_O
DUKE SENIOR: ...right then.
Enter ORLANDO, who THREATENS everyone with his BIG SHARP SWORD. LORDS back away SLOWLY.
ORLANDO: DROP THAT FOOD AND GET YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR! NOW!
JAQUES: Is this a stickup?
DUKE SENIOR: Nice boy...niiiiice boy...put the sword down now...
ORLANDO: Uh, okay...I mean, NO! I WANT FOOD!
DUKE SENIOR: Well, you came at just the right moment to join our picnic lunch. How lucky!
ORLANDO: (stands there STUPIDLY for a moment, still BRANDISHING his SWORD) Er...thanks.
ORLANDO SHEATHES the SWORD. LORDS edge cautiously CLOSER.
ORLANDO: (remembers something) Oh, yeah, I left this old man in the woods over there. Can I go get him too?
DUKE SENIOR: Sure! Always room for one more!
ORLANDO: Be right back.
Exit ORLANDO. LORDS finally RELAX.
DUKE SENIOR: See, we aren't the only unhappy people in the great theater of the world.
JAQUES: [line unedited] All the world's a stage...(RAMBLES on about HUMANITY for THIRTY LINES)
Enter ORLANDO, carrying ADAM.
DUKE SENIOR: Put the old guy down over here and get him some food.
ORLANDO and ADAM: Thanks.
DUKE SENIOR: I'll talk to you later, but right now I think we all need some entertainment. Who'd like to volun--
AMIENS: Ooooh! Me!
LORDS: NOOOOOOOOO! (get out the COTTON WADS again)
AMIENS: (dying COW) I've got the bluuuuuuuuues...
EVERYONE ELSE except JAQUES: (winces)
JAQUES: *_*
Exeunt OMNES.
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As You Like It, Abridged
Act II
Scene 1. The Forest of Arden.
Enter DUKE SENIOR, AMIENS, and other random LORDS, including LORD 1 and LORD 2.
DUKE SENIOR: Camping out in the forest is sure fun!
AMIENS: (extremely PERKY, as ALWAYS) Sure is, yupyupyup. In fact, it's so fun I could just SING!
EVERYONE ELSE: NO!
AMIENS: Dammit.
DUKE SENIOR: C'mon, let's go kill us some deer! But, y'know, I kinda feel bad for the poor things...
LORD 1: So does Jaques. In fact, my buddy Amiens and I just saw him crying over a wounded deer. Wimp.
DUKE SENIOR: Ooooh! Is he still there?
LORD 2: Yup.
DUKE SENIOR: C'mon, let's go see! Man, I love arguing with him when he's depressed...
LORD 2: Yup.
Exeunt OMNES.
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Scene 2. A room in DUKE FRED's palace.
Enter DUKE FRED, majorly PISSED, and random LORDS and ATTENDANTS, including LORD 1 and LORD 2. DIFFERENT ones this time.
DUKE FRED: WHERE THE H*** ARE THEY?
LORD 1: Heck, I dunno.
LORD 2: (suddenly remembers) Oh, uh, by the way, the fool...whatsisname...is gone, too. And, uh, the girls' maidservant thinks they went off with that, uh, wrestler dude.
DUKE FRED: /NOW/ you tell me?!?!?! (seethes) Okay, one of you numskulls go tell his brother to bring him here. Or else.
Exeunt OMNES.
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Scene 3. Before OLIVER's house. Not after, not during, but before. (Kidding, it means in front of.)
Enter ORLANDO and ADAM, from OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS.
ORLANDO: Who's that?
ADAM: (blink) Young master? Oh, dear young master! Oh, good young master! Oh, kind young master! Oh, gentle young--
ORLANDO: Um...could you get to the point already?
ADAM: Don't go in the house! Your brother...no, he doesn't deserve to be called your brother...then the son...no, he doesn't deserve to be called the son of the guy I was just going to call his father either...no, wait...
ORLANDO: (clears throat) Oliver. Yes. And?
ADAM: Er, yeah. Anyway. He's gonna kill you! Go away!
ORLANDO: Where? Should I be a beggar or something? I'd rather let him kill me.
ADAM: (mutters) Idealistic little... (aloud) No, no, you don't have to do that. I've got money! See? And you can have it, too! And me as a servant, even though I'm all old and decrepit and would probably slow you down more than anything else!
ORLANDO: Ooooh! Thanks! Sounds good to me.
ADAM: Off we go, into the wild blue yonder...
Exeunt ORLANDO and ADAM.
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Scene 4. Somewhere else in the Forest of Arden. A large sign has been nailed onto one of the trees.
Enter ROSALIND disguised as "GANYMEDE" the SHEPHERD LAD, CELIA disguised as "ALIENA" the SHEPHERD LASS, and TOUCHSTONE disguised as TOUCHSTONE.
ALIENA/CELIA: (whining) I'm tiiiiiired and I'm huuuuuungry and my feeeeeet hurt and I'm all /dirty/ /all/ /over/! (pout)
TOUCHSTONE: Tough. So are we.
GANYMEDE/ROSALIND: (reading the SIGN) "The Forest of Arden." Cool.
Enter CORIN, SILVIUS and several SHEEP. Somehow, they can't see "GANYMEDE" et al.
CORIN: Nonono, you idiot, she'll despise you even more if you do /that/!
SILVIUS: (rhetorical question) Corin, do you know how much I love her?
CORIN: (starts RECITING what he's heard a GAZILLION TIMES before) More than the sun, moon and stars...more than any other man ever loved any other woman...more than words could possibly describe...
SILVIUS: (not listening) I love her more than the sun, moon and...(CORIN continues to RECITE, and SILVIUS finally starts PAYING ATTENTION) wait! No! No! STOP IT!
CORIN: Why? Did I forget something?
SILVIUS: You're stealing all my lines! No fair! (runs away sobbing)
Exit SILVIUS.
CORIN: Oooookay then.
GANY/ROZ: Poor guy, he reminds me of me and 'Lando-sweety-pookums...(trails off into lovey-dovey REVERIE)
TOUCHSTONE: I remember when I loved a milkmaid once and did stupid things like that. (launches into LENGTHY STRING of rather NAUGHTY JOKES)
ALI/CEL: (feeling IGNORED) Guyyyyys, I'm dying of hunger here and nobody cares?! (sniffles)
TOUCHSTONE: Oh, fine. (yells over to CORIN) OY! LUNKHEAD WITH THE SHEEP!
ROSALIND: (sighs) Shut up, fool.
CORIN: Eh? Who's that?
ROSALIND: (starts talking in "GANYMEDE VOICE") We're over here. Yo.
CORIN: Hey.
GANY/ROZ: Any good fast-food places or motels around here?
CORIN: (stares) Um, you're in a /forest/.
GANY/ROZ: So?
CORIN: (grumbles to SELF) Danged city slickers. (aloud) Well, I could take you up to my master's. Not much there, though, the place is for sale.
GANY/ROZ: (gets ANOTHER of her BRILLIANT IDEAS) Hey, think we could buy it? We've got the money and everything.
CORIN: Uhm...(GANY/ROZ displays LARGE BAG of GOLD) Sure, I guess. Right this way, please.
Exeunt OMNES.
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Scene 5. Somewhere else in the Forest of Arden. A different somewhere else this time.
Enter AMIENS, JAQUES, and random LORDS. AMIENS is SINGING HORRIBLY, JAQUES is LOOKING ON with misty-eyed ADORATION, and the LORDS are STRAGGLING behind with COTTON WADS stuck prominently in their EARS.
AMIENS: (NAILS SCREECHING across a BLACKBOARD) Don't worry, be happy...
JAQUES: (sighs dreamily) More, sing more...
LORDS: NOOOOOO!
AMIENS: (pretending RELUCTANCE) Well...I dunno, maybe I shouldn't...
LORDS: YES! YES! YES!
JAQUES: (getting ANNOYED) MORE! And you idiots shut up!
AMIENS: Wellllll...okay. But only if you say the magic word.
JAQUES: (peremptorily) Please. Now sing.
LORDS stuff more COTTON in their EARS and HUM LOUDLY.
AMIENS: (CAT whose TAIL has been STEPPED ON) If I were a rich mannnnnnn...
JAQUES: (closes eyes blissfully) Ah, music...
AMIENS finally finishes his SONG. JAQUES gets GRUMPY and delivers a few INCOMPREHENSIBLE INSULTS aimed at the snickering LORDS.
Exeunt OMNES.
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Scene 6. Yet /another/ Somewhere Else in the Forest of Arden. It's a very big forest, apparently.
Enter ORLANDO and ADAM.
ADAM: (collapses)
ORLANDO: (picks up ADAM)
Exeunt ORLANDO and ADAM.
AUDIENCE: ...that's it?
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Scene 7. Scene 5's Somewhere Else in the Forest of Arden. A picnic has been spread out on the ground.
Enter DUKE SENIOR, AMIENS, and random LORDS, minus COTTON WADS.
DUKE SENIOR: Now where did that darned Jaques go?
LORD 1: He left just a minute ago. He was listening to...(chokes and glances at AMIENS)...a song.
DUKE SENIOR: Well, go get him, I want to talk to him.
Enter JAQUES, SKIPPING around HAPPILY. Everyone STARES.
DUKE SENIOR: Um...who are you and what did you do with the melancholy Jaques?
JAQUES: (BOUNCES UP and DOWN) I met a fool! And it was cool! And he talked about time! And I like rhyme! And I wanna be a fool too! Yippee! Wahoo!
EVERYONE ELSE: O_O
DUKE SENIOR: ...right then.
Enter ORLANDO, who THREATENS everyone with his BIG SHARP SWORD. LORDS back away SLOWLY.
ORLANDO: DROP THAT FOOD AND GET YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR! NOW!
JAQUES: Is this a stickup?
DUKE SENIOR: Nice boy...niiiiice boy...put the sword down now...
ORLANDO: Uh, okay...I mean, NO! I WANT FOOD!
DUKE SENIOR: Well, you came at just the right moment to join our picnic lunch. How lucky!
ORLANDO: (stands there STUPIDLY for a moment, still BRANDISHING his SWORD) Er...thanks.
ORLANDO SHEATHES the SWORD. LORDS edge cautiously CLOSER.
ORLANDO: (remembers something) Oh, yeah, I left this old man in the woods over there. Can I go get him too?
DUKE SENIOR: Sure! Always room for one more!
ORLANDO: Be right back.
Exit ORLANDO. LORDS finally RELAX.
DUKE SENIOR: See, we aren't the only unhappy people in the great theater of the world.
JAQUES: [line unedited] All the world's a stage...(RAMBLES on about HUMANITY for THIRTY LINES)
Enter ORLANDO, carrying ADAM.
DUKE SENIOR: Put the old guy down over here and get him some food.
ORLANDO and ADAM: Thanks.
DUKE SENIOR: I'll talk to you later, but right now I think we all need some entertainment. Who'd like to volun--
AMIENS: Ooooh! Me!
LORDS: NOOOOOOOOO! (get out the COTTON WADS again)
AMIENS: (dying COW) I've got the bluuuuuuuuues...
EVERYONE ELSE except JAQUES: (winces)
JAQUES: *_*
Exeunt OMNES.
