A/N~ Sorry this one took so long to put up. Midterms are demonspawn. *siiiiiiiigh* Anyway, chars/story Shakespeare's, etc. etc. etc. Have fun. ^_^

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

As You Like It, Abridged

Act III

Scene 1. A room in DUKE FRED's palace.

Enter DUKE FRED, STILL majorly PISSED, OLIVER, and random LORDS and ATTENDANTS.

OLIVER: (cringing) I haven't seen him since the wrestling! Really! (ATTEMPTS to look INNOCENT, and FAILS MISERABLY)

DUKE FRED: (eyeroll) Why do I not believe a word you're saying? Look, bozo, if I weren't the nice, kind, merciful guy I am... (SMIRKS and trails off OMINOUSLY as the LORDS and ATTENDANTS SNIGGER)

OLIVER: Eep.

DUKE FRED: But, since I /am/, I'm only confiscating all your worldly possessions until you bring him here. Because I think you're protecting him, being his loving brother and all.

OLIVER: Nonono! You've got it all wrong! I hate his guts! Honest!

DUKE FRED: Really? (looks SANCTIMONIOUS and REPROVING) Tsk, tsk. How unbrotherly.

OLIVER: This from the guy who banished his own brother and took over his dukedom?

DUKE FRED: Shut up. (to ATTENDANTS) Take him away.

OLIVER: No! Get your filthy hands off me! AAARGH!

ATTENDANTS DRAG off a KICKING and SCREAMING OLIVER.

Exeunt OMNES.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Scene 2. Somewhere Else in the Forest of Arden. How do these people find their way around?

Enter ORLANDO, scribbling FURIOUSLY on a PIECE of PAPER.

ORLANDO: "Roses are red, daisies are pink, my Rosalind's as lovely as...the kitchen sink." Ah, that's it! Perfect! A paragon of poetic praise. (BEAMS with PRIDE as nearby FLOWERS begin to WILT) Now to hang it on a tree to show everyone how much I love my Rozzie-baby. Oooh, she's so hot...

After an INTERLUDE of DREAMY INCOHERENCE, ORLANDO brings out his trusty HAMMER and NAILS and affixes the PAPER to a nearby TREE. Poor TREE.

Exit ORLANDO, pulling ANOTHER PIECE of PAPER out of his POCKET.

Enter TOUCHSTONE, CORIN and SHEEP. TOUCHSTONE and CORIN have a LONG and POINTLESS ARGUMENT over COURT vs. COUNTRY, while SHEEP munch GRASS and look BORED.

CORIN: Look, here comes that Ganymede dude.

Enter GANYMEDE/ROSALIND, READING one of ORLANDO's PAPERS.

GANY/ROZ: "Roses are red, daffodils are yellow, my Rosalind is sure a jolly good fellow?!" Um...who's going around writing poems about me--er, I mean this Rosalind girl and pinning them on trees?

TOUCHSTONE: Gee, I wonder...

GANY/ROZ: Ooh, you know? Who?

TOUCHSTONE: (coughs) Never mind. Forget I said anything. That stuff is garbage anyway...listen, I can rhyme too! (starts in on more BAWDY JOKES, in RHYME this time)

GANY/ROZ: (blushes SCARLET and hastily CHANGES the SUBJECT) Oh, look, my...sister's coming.

Enter ALIENA/CELIA, READING another of ORLANDO's PAPERS.

ALI/CEL: Hey, guys, look what I found on a tree! "Roses are red, marigolds are..."

GANY/ROZ: (sighs) We've heard.

ALI/CEL: (grins MISCHIEVOUSLY at GANY/ROZ) Hiya...brother. Listen, guys, could you go away for a bit? I'm sure you have some...er...important business to tend to.

TOUCHSTONE: (eyes ALI/CEL) Um...right.

EXEUNT TOUCHSTONE, CORIN and SHEEP.

ALI/CEL: (sing-songy) I know something /you/ don't know!

GANY/ROZ: (trying to look INDIFFERENT) I don't care.

ALI/CEL: If you knew what it was, you'd care all right. Yupyupyup, you sure would.

GANY/ROZ: (getting a little ANNOYED) Okay, what is it?

ALI/CEL: Can't tell. It's a secret. (nod nod)

GANY/ROZ: (sighs) Just gimme a hint, okay?

ALI/CEL: Hmm...all right. Guess who wrote all those love poems about you!

GANY/ROZ: Oooh! Tell me!

ALI/CEL: No.

GANY/ROZ: Tell me!

ALI/CEL: No.

GANY/ROZ: Tell me!

ALI/CEL: No.

GANY/ROZ: Tell me!

ALI/CEL: No.

GANY/ROZ: Tell me!

ALI/CEL: No.

GANY/ROZ: Tell me!

ALI/CEL: No.

GANY/ROZ: Tell me!

ALI/CEL: No.

AUDIENCE COUGHS and SHIFTS RESTLESSLY.

ALI/CEL: Wellllll...all right. But are you /sure/ you can't guess?

GANY/ROZ: Perfectly! Now tell me already!

ALI/CEL: It's...(dramatic PAUSE) Orlando.

GANY/ROZ: (SWOONS theatrically) 'LANDO-SWEETY-POOKUMS?!?!

ALI/CEL: (smugly) The one and only.

GANY/ROZ: (wails) Omigod! He's /here/, in /this forest/, and I'm dressed like, like, like a BOY! Boohoohoohoo... (SOBS on ALI/CEL's SHOULDER, then instantly CHANGES TACK) Did you see him? Is he okay? How's he dressed? Is he still as hot as he was the day of the wrestling? Did you talk to him? What's he doing in the forest? Did he ask about me? (runs out of BREATH) I want a one-word answer, right now.

ALI/CEL: (looking POLEAXED by all the QUESTIONS) Um...er...oh, look! Here he comes!

Enter ORLANDO and JAQUES.

GANY/ROZ: (gasps) Ack! It's him! Hide! I /so/ don't want him to see me in breeches!

ALI/CEL and GANY/ROZ hide behind a TREE and watch ORLANDO and JAQUES exchange MUTUAL INSULTS.

JAQUES: So there. (stomps off in a HUFF)

ORLANDO: Phbbt.

Exit JAQUES.

GANY/ROZ: He'll /never/ recognize me in this getup...heyyy...that gives me an idea...(drags ALI/CEL out of HIDING) Um, er...hi, mister. (EARS redden)

ORLANDO: (somehow doesn't RECOGNIZE his ROZZIE-POO) Yo. Whatcha want, stranger?

GANY/ROZ: (thinks) Eh...the time. Yeah. That's it. What time is it?

ORLANDO: Sorry, don't have a watch, and there's no clock or anything in this forest. Stupid forest.

GANY/ROZ: Then there isn't a lover in the forest? You can tell time by their sighs and groans, y'know.

ORLANDO and GANY/ROZ engage in a BATTLE of WITS, as PEOPLE often DO in a SHAKESPEAREAN COMEDY. GO FIGURE.

GANY/ROZ: (EVER so CASUALLY) By the way, do you know who the lovesick idiot is that goes around hanging love poems about Rosalind on trees? I could cure him.

ORLANDO: Uh, actually, that would be me. What's this "cure" you're talking about? Does it work?

GANY/ROZ: Sure it does! I tried it once before, and it, like, totally worked! The guy may have gone insane afterwards, but he sure as heck wasn't in love any more. And that's the point, right? (BEAMS ANGELICALLY at ORLANDO, who looks APPREHENSIVE) Aw, c'mon, there's nothing to worry about. Just try it. Pleeeeease?

ORLANDO: Erm...what do I have to do?

GANY/ROZ: Just come to my house every morning and pretend I'm the girl you love. I'll be so obnoxious and annoying, you'll fall out of love with me--I mean, her. It really works!

ORLANDO: Sounds cool. I'll try it, I guess.

GANY/ROZ: Yay! Come to my house with me, and we can start right now!

ORLANDO: All righty then...pardon, I didn't catch your name?

GANY/ROZ: (grins IMPISHLY) Just call me Rosalind.

Exeunt ORLANDO, GANY/ROZ and ALI/CEL.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Scene 3. I'll give you three guesses. And the first two don't count.

Enter TOUCHSTONE, AUDREY, AUDREY's GOATS, and JAQUES following at a DISTANCE. TOUCHSTONE woos AUDREY with many BIG WORDS while AUDREY pretends to UNDERSTAND what he's TALKING about and JAQUES makes SNIDE COMMENTS from behind a TREE.

TOUCHSTONE: Here comes the priest guy who's supposed to do the honors. Howdy, Sir Oliver!

Enter SIR OLIVER MARTEXT, who sets his BLACK TOP HAT down on a nearby ROCK. GOATS immediately DEVOUR it.

TOUCHSTONE: So, y'wanna tie the knot in the church, or just do it here and let us get on with the consummation? (LEERS at AUDREY)

AUDREY: Oh, Touchstone, you're so /romantic/! (BLUSHES and GIGGLES) What's a comfuscation, sweetie?

SIR OLIVER: (COUGHS loudly) Guys, we need someone to give away the bride or it's not a proper marriage.

TOUCHSTONE: Why not?

SIR OLIVER: Because...um...because it just isn't.

TOUCHSTONE: Drat. What do we do now? Use one of the goats?

JAQUES: (steps FORWARD) I'll do it.

SIR OLIVER: Whoa. Where'd that dude come from?

TOUCHSTONE: Oh, hi, Mr. Melancholy Man. Nice seeing you again.

JAQUES: (eyes SIR OLIVER dubiously) Um...is this idiot going to marry you?

TOUCHSTONE: No, she is. (points at AUDREY, who BLUSHES and GIGGLES again)

JAQUES: (shakes HEAD and SIGHS) No, you fool, I meant...never mind. Let me take you to find a proper priest who'll do it better, okay? This imbecile won't do it properly, and then your marriage won't last.

TOUCHSTONE: (looks DISAPPOINTED) But that's the /point/...(glances HASTILY at AUDREY) Er, I mean, that's great. Wonderful. Let's go with the nice man, Audrey...

Exeunt JAQUES, TOUCHSTONE, AUDREY, and GOATS.

SIR OLIVER: I'm not sure, but I think they just insulted me. (looks mildly PUZZLED) Now what in the world did I do with my hat? Coulda sworn...

Exit SIR OLIVER, GRUMBLING to HIMSELF.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Scene 4. Do I really have to tell you?

Enter GANY/ROZ and ALI/CEL.

GANY/ROZ: I can't believe it! He's a /whole hour late/! Men are such callous, dissembling pigs... (DISSOLVES into NOISY TEARS)

ALI/CEL: Hey, stop crying already. You're supposed to be a guy, /remember/?

GANY/ROZ: Oh. (sniffs) Right.

ALI/CEL: (eyeroll)

GANY/ROZ: Oh, and by the way, I ran into my dad in the forest this morning. He didn't recognize me in my spiffy disguise, of course. But who cares about dumb ol' dad when there's 'Lando-baby-sweetie-honey-pie...

Enter CORIN.

CORIN: Hey, guys, remember that lovesick shepherd dude I was talking with?

ALI/CEL: Yeah, why?

CORIN: Well, he's with his lady-love right now. Wanna see? It's the /funniest/ thing...

GANY/ROZ: (looks SENTIMENTAL) Sure. Let's go.

Exeunt OMNES.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Scene 5. Le sigh. (No, not a /place/ called Le Sigh...)

Enter PHEBE, annoyed, and SILVIUS tagging along at her HEELS.

SILVIUS: (whining) But Pheeeeebeeeee, I loooooove youuuuuuuuu!

Enter GANY/ROZ, ALI/CEL and CORIN, who HIDE behind convenient TREES.

PHEBE: Tough nuts. Go chase after a sheep or something, you pervert.

SILVIUS: (sniffles) You'll be sorry when /you're/ in love someday. Then you'll know how I feel. So there.

PHEBE: Well, if I ever do--not likely--then you can come laugh at me. But until then, I don't want to see your sniveling face anywhere /near/ me. Got it?

GANY/ROZ: (steps forward) Why, you ugly, rude, idiotic little...

PHEBE: (drools) Whoa...he is /hot/... (STARES predatorily at GANY/ROZ)

GANY/ROZ: (eyes PHEBE uneasily and backs away STEP by STEP as she TALKS) Um...stop staring at me like that. You. Shepherd. Stop being an idiot and go find a better girl. (reaches SAFETY) So. Yeah. Do it. Bye! C'mon, guys.

Exeunt GANY/ROZ, ALI/CEL and CORIN.

PHEBE: (starstruck) Could this be...love?

SILVIUS: (clears THROAT) Um...Phebe?

PHEBE: (whips around) WHAT?

SILVIUS: Ack! Have pity on me!

PHEBE: I do. You're so pitiful, it's hard not to.

SILVIUS: YES! Hope at last! Phebe...do you...do you have feelings for me?

PHEBE: Sure I do. Lemme see...disgust, annoyance, scorn, dislike...any more I've forgotten?

SILVIUS: That's not what I...oh, never mind.

PHEBE: Hmm. (begins to formulate PLAN) Silvius, do you know the guy who was just here?

SILVIUS: Sort of. I see him around a lot.

PHEBE: (hastily) It's not that I love him or anything. Really. He's just an idiotic boy...but man, those bedroom eyes... (trails off into INTERNAL DEBATE)

SILVIUS: (coughs DISCREETLY)

PHEBE: Huh? Oh! Um. Right. Well, /some/ girls would've fallen in love with him if they'd had as good a look at him as I did. But me? No way /I/ love him or anything. Nope. Especially after all those things he said to me...geez, did you /hear/ him? I so should've answered him back, dangit! Oh, well, I can still send hate mail. Will you bring a letter to him for me, Silvius dear? (FLUTTERS eyelashes)

SILVIUS: (bewitched) Anything for you, Phebe darling...

PHEBE: Great! I'll go write it right now. C'mon, Silvius.

Exeunt PHEBE and SILVIUS.