A/N~ At long, long, looooong last, here's the next installment of AYLI Abridged. Only one more act left; stay tuned for final update whenever I have time.

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As You Like It, Abridged

Act IV

Scene 1. Yes, it is that bloody forest again. And will be for the rest of the act, and the rest of the play, so location notations will henceforth be left off. Like you were reading them anyway.

Enter GANY/ROZ, ALI/CEL, and GRUMPY JAQUES.

GANY/ROZ: (eyeing JAQUES) So...um...how's your day been?

JAQUES: Grump.

GANY/ROZ: That bad, huh?

JAQUES: Grump.

Insert AWKWARD SILENCE here.

GANY/ROZ: (ponders) Ohhhhh, you must be that depressed grumpy guy everyone's always talking about, right?

JAQUES: I AM NOT DEPRESSED AND GRUMPY! I'm a cynical, worldly-wise, misanthropic philosopher, thank /you/ very much. (NOSE in AIR)

GANY/ROZ: ...um. Right. 'Bye now, depressed grumpy guy. (starts pointedly IGNORING JAQUES)

JAQUES: GRUMP. (stomps OFF in a HUFF)

Exit JAQUES. Enter ORLANDO, looking SHEEPISH, with giant BOUQUET of FLOWERS. ALI/CEL moves to restrain GANY/ROZ, who glares DAGGERS at ORLANDO.

ORLANDO: (weak GRIN) Er...h-hi, 'Rosalind'? (holds out FLOWERS)

GANY/ROZ: (turns into PMS WOMAN from H**L) Grrrrrrrrrrrr...

ORLANDO: Eep. (hides behind convenient TREE)

GANY/ROZ: (recovers, looking CHAGRINED) 'Lando? Sweetie? Please come out? I'll be nice! I promise! (halo)

ORLANDO: (edges into OPEN) Promise?

GANY/ROZ: Promise.

EVERYTHING goes back to NORMAL, and yet another WIT EXCHANGE takes place.

AUDIENCE: And how, exactly, is this supposed to be /curing/ Orlando of his lovesickness?

SHAKESPEARE'S GHOST: Hey, I didn't come up with the stupid plot! Besides, it's a comedy. Lots of unrealistic things happen. Deal with it.

AUDIENCE: We've noticed.

SHAKESPEARE'S GHOST: You think this is wacky? Check out the Comedy of Errors.

Meanwhile, BACK on STAGE:

GANY/ROZ: (LOVESTRUCK) I'd do anything for you, Orlando...

ORLANDO: (caught UP in the GAME) Then love me, 'Rosalind'! [line unedited]

After yet MORE WITTICISMS, GANY/ROZ and ORLANDO decide to "get MARRIED."

GANY/ROZ: (grabs ALI/CEL) C'mon, sis, you be the priest.

ALI/CEL: Huh? Butbut...I don't know how!

GANY/ROZ: (eyeroll) Just recite a prayer or something.

ALI/CEL: (LIGHT dawns) Ohhh, I get it! Okay. (kneels) Lord, bless this food...

GANY/ROZ: (pokes ALI/CEL) Not that one, dummy!

ALI/CEL: (CONFUSED for a second, then starts OVER) Now I lay me down to sleep... (lies DOWN) Hmm...I'm...awfu'y...tiiired...allasuddenzzzzzzzz... (falls ASLEEP)

GANY/ROZ: (gives UP in DESPAIR) Okay, okay, forget the priest bit, all right? I'll just say the words. (PREACHER VOICE) "Do you, Orlando, take this Rosalind...blah blah blah...for better or for worse, in sickness and in health...blah blah blah...until death do you part?"

ORLANDO: I do.

GANY/ROZ: Cool! Then I do, too. (resumes PREACHER VOICE) You may kiss the bride. (puckers UP and leans IN)

ORLANDO: (backs AWAY slowly) Um...you're a guy.

GANY/ROZ: (automatic) No I'm not! Oh...wait...right. Yeah. I am. Sorry.

ORLANDO: (weirded OUT) Okay. That's fine. I'll just go now, shall I? (keeps backing AWAY)

GANY/ROZ: You're going? (sniffle) Deserting me? Leaving me all by my self in this huge surreal Disneyfied forest? WAAAAAAAH! I'M GONNA KILL MYSELF BECAUSE YOU DON'T LOOOOVE MEEEE! (flops on GROUND)

ORLANDO: (even MORE weirded OUT) Well, I /am/ coming back at two...

GANY/ROZ: (stands UP) You are? Well, why didn't you say so? That's fine, then. But not a millisecond later than two, or I will flay you alive, mash you into little quivering bits, and then kill you. Twice.

ORLANDO, HELPLESS against the POWER of FEMININE LOGIC, beats a hasty RETREAT.

Exeunt OMNES (GANY/ROZ in another DREAMY REVERIE) except for ALI/CEL, who is still SNOOZING.

Scene 2.

Enter JAQUES and RANDOM LORDS with a DEAD DEER.

JAQUES and RANDOM LORDS: (sing RANDOM SONG about HORNS and CUCKOLDS and LOVELY THINGS like that. Crazy ELIZABETHANS.)

Exeunt OMNES.

AUDIENCE: (splutters) But.. but...that scene was utterly pointless! And Jaques is, like, totally out of character! And they killed that poor little deer! And the song is incomprehensible to a modern audience like us! Aagh! (falls OVER)

SPRINKLER SYSTEM comes on, drenching and reviving AUDIENCE so that the SHOW can go ON.

SHAKESPEARE'S GHOST: (chuckles EVILLY to SELF)

Scene 3.

Enter GANY/ROZ, majorly PISSED, and ALI/CEL.

GANY/ROZ: (whining) He's /late/! Boohoohoooo...

ALI/CEL: (annoyed) Well, what'd you expect? He's probably off snoozing under some tree.

Enter SILVIUS, worried, with a LETTER.

SILVIUS: (cringing, to GANY/ROZ) Um, Phebe told me to give you this. I think she's mad. Don't kill the messenger... (hands over LETTER)

GANY/ROZ: (reads LETTER, pretending to be ANGRY) Geez, someone's got a chip on their shoulder...waaait a minute. You wrote this yourself, didn't you?

SILVIUS: No! I swear!

GANY/ROZ: (hiding a GRIN) No way any woman ever wrote this. First of all, the handwriting's so crappy it's gotta be a guy's. Though she does have a guy's hands. All dirty and callused and stuff...yecch.

SILVIUS: (searching for a GETAWAY) Nononono! Not me! No! It was her!

GANY/ROZ: Well, how could a woman write such awful mean stuff about me? Here, I'll read you a sample: (clears THROAT officiously) "Oh I love you so so so much my snoogy-woogy hunk-o-man..."

SILVIUS: (blinks) This...is your idea of hate mail?

GANY/ROZ: "I know you love me too, so quit playing hard-to-get! I burn for the touch of your lips on mine, your strong arms around me, your..." (reads ahead, EYES go WIDE) Uh. Um. You get the idea. (blushes SCARLET)

SILVIUS: (close to TEARS) Hate mail? /Hate/ mail?!?!

ALI/CEL: Aww, poor puppy... (pats SILVIUS on HEAD)

GANY/ROZ: (snorts) Don't pity him, he's pathetic. Why's he mooning over the likes of /her/? (wads up LETTER and tosses AWAY, grinning as SILVIUS grabs for it) 'Kay, you can go away now.

Exit SILVIUS, first stopping to pick up the crumpled LETTER.

Enter OLIVER, who doesn't appear to have SHAVED for WEEKS.

OLIVER: Hey, could you guys direct me to a cottage with olive trees growing around it?

ALI/CEL: (instantly SMITTEN by HAIRY OLIVER...don't ask me why) Um, it's over that way. Second tree to the right and straight on 'til morning. But there's nobody home.

OLIVER: (also SMITTEN) Oh. Uh. Thanks. (beat) Wait...tall guy who looks like a woman, petite dark girl...you're the people who live there, aren't you?

ALI/CEL: Uh huh... (GAZES into OLIVER's eyes)

Garish pink ANIME HEARTS begin to twinkle around OLIVER and ALI/CEL. GANY/ROZ is not IMPRESSED.

GANY/ROZ: AHEM. You had a message for us, mister?

OLIVER: Oh! Right. Orlando says to say hi, and to give "Rosalind" this bloody hankie. (holds out BLOODY HANKIE)

GANY/ROZ: (goes WHITE) Is he okay? What /happened/?

OLIVER: Well, as he was wandering through the forest, he came upon m--er, this hairy guy sleeping under an oak tree, with a lioness waiting to pounce on him as soon as he woke up.

AUDIENCE: ...a lioness? In /Europe/?

SHAKESPEARE'S GHOST: Just shut up and go with it.

OLIVER: Being the heroic chap he is, Orlando decided to investigate and then recognized the man as his (gulp) elder brother.

ALI/CEL: Elder brother? As in the really mean an' bad an' cruel elder brother who treated him like dirt and kicked him out?

OLIVER: (looking UNCOMFORTABLE) Yeah. That one.

GANY/ROZ: (fidgeting) But what happened to /Orlando/? Did he leave the guy to die?

OLIVER: He almost did, but the nobleness of his nature prevailed. (GANY/ROZ beams) He did battle and drove off the lioness, at which point I woke up. (cringes) He! I mean /he/ woke up.

ALI/CEL: It was you?

GANY/ROZ: You were the one he rescued?

ALI/CEL: (looking CRUSHED) You did all those mean things to him?

OLIVER: (hangs HEAD) Yeah, but thanks to the magical redeeming power of the forest, I've reformed and become a pretty decent guy, actually.

ALI/CEL: Oh. Okay, then. (mollified)

GANY/ROZ: (still staring at the HANKIE) But then...whose blood is that?

OLIVER: I'm getting to it! Geez, let me tell my story already! Anyway, he took me to the exiled duke, who gave me food and clothes and stuff. I only found out he'd been wounded by the lioness when he fainted from blood loss. The kid was always too stoic for his own good. (GANY/ROZ sways dangerously, but OLIVER doesn't notice) I revived him, bandaged the gash in his arm, and he told me to find you and give you this hankie with his blood on it. So here I am.

GANY/ROZ faints.

OLIVER: What the--

ALI/CEL: Noooo! Ganymede! Wake up!

GANY/ROZ: (stirs and mumbles) I wanna go home...

ALI/CEL: We'll take you. (to OLIVER) Could you help me get him home?

OLIVER: (looking WEIRDLY at GANY/ROZ) Sure, I've got to give your reply to Orlando anyway. Up you get, kid. You /sure/ you're a guy?

GANY/ROZ: (putting on brave FACADE) Hah! I was just faking. Fooled you, didn't I? (staggers)

OLIVER: Um...that doesn't look like faking to me. C'mon, let's get you home.

GANY/ROZ: It was pretend. Really. Oof. (ALI/CEL and OLIVER give her a BOOST)

OLIVER: Okay then, "Rosalind." Off we go.

Exeunt OMNES.