Disclaimer: Isn't this always first? One way or another I'm going to have to find a way to permanently stick the 'disclaimer' to the beginning of each chapter I write . . . Damn things . . . *Sigh* I do not own Trigun. THERE!! I said it!! *Psychologists around the world cheer at the accomplishment*

But anyway. This is my third written Trigun fic. I dunno which is going up first. Eh, I might've already uploaded one; who knows.

In a nutshell this is what might happen if a woman who had Vash's speed used it all for stealing and decided to steal from him, while he's asleep nonetheless.

And this here is . . .

Chapter Four: Self Journey

I don't know why I smiled throughout my internal battle, but for some reason, I couldn't help it. Perhaps it was because Nor was there, and while alive, he always promised the best and that everything would be okay. In order to find myself, he said, I would have to go through a series of tests that could mentally destroy me or make me that much stronger, and with that much more insight in myself. He led me through five tests, each one more challenging and dangerous than the last, and each had that much more emotional trauma. As much as it pained me to finish, I could not help but be proud of my own strength. But, I almost didn't make it. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

The first test looked simple enough. I had to walk over a thin sheet of ice. In order to get there, we took stairs down nearly fifteen stories, which is very tiring, by the way. We entered something like an ice cave, through huge double doors. And before us - or rather, me, since Nor had appeared on the other side after I opened the door - was a field of ice that filled the entire area, and beyond that, a cave that curved out of sight. The field was about twenty feet long and that much wide, and looked snowed over. But I knew better. It was ice, and thin, and if I fell, I would die.

I stepped onto the ice as slowly as possible, making sure to test its durability first. Nor spoke to me as I walked, trudging up memories to through me off balance.

"Aluna, remember something," he said. "When your father died, your mother spoke to you. She blamed you, and yelled. Do you remember? Do you remember what she said?"

I was already shaking, remembering what she had said. I didn't want to remember, but this was a test, and I couldn't very well get out of it.

"She told you that you were a mistake, and if you never came to be, she'd still have her husband. She'd have her husband, and her happiness. She told you that you were the very thing that made her life a living Hell."

"That's not true!" I snapped, and when I did so, my weight shifted and I fell through the surface of the water. I felt cold, sharp stabs like knives all over me, hurting me but at the same time leaving me unscathed. I tried frantically to break through the newly formed ice, but it had gotten thicker. Nor I saw was standing over me now, kneeling and looking through the surface, but doing nothing. All he did was yell at me to remember what he said, and then. . . He didn't tell me what to do after that. My hair came loose from my bun, dropping in small waves all around me and twirling as I scrambled to break through the shield above me. But nonetheless, the memory came up, pounding behind my eyes and demanding that I see it again. And hear it.

"You little bitch!" Mayfield screamed, thrusting her hands around angrily and resisting her urge to through the screaming baby in her crib out the window. "This is all your fault!" she said for the umpteenth time that day. She was breaking down now; her tears were renewing themselves on her cheeks. "Your fault!" she cried, crumbling to the floor. "If it wasn't for you. . . He'd still be here. . . My love, I just want to follow you. . . What do I do?" She curled up in a ball, sobbing, and Aluna just cried in her crib. She hadn't been fed yet, this outburst was going to hurt her later on in life, and she could feel her mother's pain. "If it wasn't for you he wouldn't have tried so hard," Mayfield went on, barely whispering, "to make this place better for his children. . . And he wouldn't have. . ."

"NOOO!!!!!" I screamed, underwater and just letting out bubbles and muffled screams. My heart rate was up, my lungs were going to burst if I didn't get air soon, and I was half crying, me strength leaving me. I found myself no longer struggling under the ice, in the freezing water, but just relaxing, as though welcoming death and preparing to take the breath of water that would kill me. But, when I opened my eyes, I was floating, above the ice, and could heart each separate beat of my heart. In one confused blink I was back under the ice, but the ice wasn't there anymore. At least, not totally. There was a thick bridge straight down the middle and Nor thrust his hand under the water. For a second I could barely understand how this happened, and then I saw him smile, and grasped his hand with my own. He pulled me out and onto the bridge in one strong jerk, and I coughed up water and gasped as I lay there.

Nor was no longer above me, but at the entrance to the cave. "That was just the first test, Aluna. We have four more. Come," he said, lifting an arm as a gesture. I knew he wouldn't actually take me to the next test with me under his arm, but it was a nice gesture anyway. I stood up and wobbly managed to walk over to him, and follow him around the curve. I was somewhat surprised I wasn't dried off when I made it there, but I was surprised at how different the scenery was.

The ice cave ended abruptly, only just barely fading into the brown rock that was beneath it, and couldn't help but drop my jaw at my next test. Before me was another area life the ice of the previous test, twenty by twenty, only there looked to be no bottom to it. There wasn't even any edges to go around the gap on. I looked over to Nor, and again found he wasn't there.

"This one shouldn't be too much harder for you," his voice echoed from the other side of the hole. Beyond him was another curved cave, this one sloping down. I couldn't help but wonder what the next place I enter might look like. "All you have to do is walk across the pegs," he finished, and I looked at the hole more intently, seeing that indeed there were pegs taking up the space inside the hole. Each one was at least two feet away from the next, and there was no pattern to how they were placed. They were just. . .all over. I had to go across those?

"Gods, why am I doing this," I muttered, looking over each pole separately and mentally choosing the best course. I took a deep breath, steeled my determination, and leapt onto the first peg. I nearly fell off, and let out a frightened shriek because of it, but somehow or another got my balance back. I looked up at Nor, standing on one foot, and spoke while I adjusted to this new type of balance. "Any other memories to get over while I'm doing this?"

"That time when Mayfield lost it, and beat you down," he said, and my eyes widened as I realized what he was saying. I was just four at the time, and wished I could forget, but that wasn't the type of thing you could just block out.

"No, no, Gods, no. . ." I whispered, protesting strongly to the memory that wanted to be shown.

"Aluna!! Aluna!!" Mayfield shouted, gripping a leather strap and wandering around the house. She just lost her job, she missed her husband, her daughter kept getting in trouble, and she was on her worst period ever. Now was not the best day to get on her bad side.

Aluna popped her head around a door, about to say something, and then shrunk back and dashed under her bed. Her mom was in one of those moods again, and that made it the worst time to be herself. She hoped and prayed and crossed her fingers that mom wouldn't find her, but in vain.

"There you are, you little rat!" she snapped, throwing back Aluna's bed and dragging her out by her foot. Aluna screamed and clawed to get away, her cries accelerating in both volume and consistency as Mayfield whipped her back and rear with the leather strap. "Thought you could get away from me, didn't you?!" she screamed madly, her hits becoming more and more intense with each stroke.

"Don't make me remember!" I shouted, clamping my hands on my ears. Now, my mother wasn't like that, and never had been, but when everything bad just piled up, she was bound to snap. It was mainly just bad timing, on both of their parts. Mayfield had apologized for it about a million times after that, but I was already scarred, and Nor looked ready to kill after he found out about it. "She didn't mean it!" I shouted again, kneeling down most uncomfortably on the thin pole and desperately trying to keep my sight from blurring.

"You have to remember, Aluna," Nor sad, but not in the gently voice I was used to when something like that memory came up. "And don't fall," he added, when I began to sway.

"You!" I said, standing up again as best I could with just one foot. Without even being aware of moving I ran across the pegs and pounced on my guide, hands fisting his shirt and I started to scream at him. "You did this! I came here to find out what I should do with the rest of my life, and you. . . .All you're doing is bringing up memories I don't want to remember!!"

"And you've passed the second test," he said, not the least fazed. I blinked just once, and then I was clamping nothing in my fists and no longer sitting on his stomach. Instead, I was forcing back more tears and trying to focus on the blur of Nor in front of me, standing right by the next cave tunnel and waiting for me to gather myself. "Shall we go? The third one shouldn't be quite so hard to handle."

"That's what you said about this one," I shot back, but got up anyway. It took a minute for me to clear my sight, but when I did, I followed him without a glance back.

What we stood before now was yet another area, the same size as the last, and I guessed, as large as the last two I was going to face. These tests are proving harder than I thought they would be, I thought as I gazed at the next test.

It was what looked to be sand, nothing new, but I knew very well it was hiding more than one would think. One lone flower from Firebreeze stood in the very middle, but horribly overgrown. It was basically a rose, but dark blue and having no thorns. The bud was closed, but some part of me told me that whatever was inside it or around it wasn't going to be easy to face. I wasn't the least bit fazed when I caught Nor standing behind it; I was used to it by now.

"What memory will this trudge up?" I asked, and got no answer from Nor. He didn't even move. Which meant that what I was facing wouldn't be easy to beat, and was a complete surprise. I had a strong feeling I wasn't going to make it out of here without being really badly hurt. Staring directly at the flower, one called Oraphel on Firebreeze, I went right up to it, getting this odd memory of my mother always having a vase of them in the house.

Just as I reached it and was about to touch it, the flower bud opened, spreading ten feet across and showing a face in the very center. I gasped and took shaky steps back, seeing my own mother's face in that flower. And worst of all, she spoke to me.

"Aluna, you left me," she accused, in a very sad voice. I tried to say something and shake my head, but she was going on. "You didn't wait for me. You left me, left me to die," she said, and my words caught in my throat.

"N-no, Mom. . . I tried to - I couldn't - "

"You left me," she said again, in the worst type of hurt voice I'd ever heard. I knew I was crying; I could feel it. I knew the ground below me was shaking somehow, but couldn't concentrate on it. "You left me to die on that planet, you didn't wait. I was coming for you, Aluna. I was going to join you and Nor, but you didn't wait," she hissed, still in that hurt voice. I was still shaking my head, and then, I saw the roots of the flower come up above the ground around me.

"Mommy!!" I screamed, and the roots came around me tightly and squeezed. I don't care if this was real or not; it felt real. Too real. I screamed again as the roots tightened, and my mother continued on about how much I hurt her and how I left her to die and even wanted her to die and so on. I could feel pops in my back, and crunches and cracks and so on. All over my fully-covered body, minus my head and neck, and I was crying louder and harder now. This was just so painful; I couldn't take it. I was on the edge of praying to the Gods and stars and moons and anything else that would listen to take my life now and relieve me from this pain. Not just emotional; not just physical; but both. Together, that stung beyond belief.

"Are you going to just give up?" Nor's voice said above my own screaming and my mother's voice. "That's not like you. Why don't you try to explain all this? You're going to need it."

"Stop it! Stop stop stop stop stop stop stop iiiiit!!!!!" I screamed, and somehow or another broke the roots around me. I fell to the ground, panting, on hands and knees, and coughed up bits of blood. I looked up sharply to see my mother's face crying as well, her roots going under the ground and complaining about how much that hurt. I stood up, shaking, and tried to keep my legs sturdy enough to not fall back down or crumple. "Mom, that's not how it went," I said, getting back my well-taught controlled voice. "We waited as long as we possibly could. I was hoping you'd come back out, appear through the flames to be with us, but if we had stayed a second longer, we would have died, too. I know you wouldn't want that; you'd be happy to die as long as it'd save me, like I would if I had had a child. Mother, please, don't be angry at me. Forgive me."

For about twenty seconds, not a sound came from any direction. Then her face fell, right out of the flower, which shrunk into a bud. The face that hit the ground, though, was nothing more than a mask that shattered upon impact. I struggled to walk over to it, ending up stumbling and on my knees several times. I touched the broken mask, hearing one last comment from the piece of clay.

"I forgive you, Aluna. Goodbye."

I smiled, happy that I now had the reassurance of knowing she had forgiven me, like I had her, so long ago. It was hard to get back on my feet, and Nor led the way to the next, and final, test. I gasped upon seeing it.

"The most scorching memory you have," he stated, sweeping a hand towards the last one, "you might not survive from reliving. However, if you pass, nothing can stop you, mentally or physically. Good luck," and then he was across the last test, waiting.

I swallowed, looking around and wondering if there was maybe some way to get around, but in vain. Have to face this, sooner or later.

The last test was a huge lake of water, bigger than any of the last fields. It had to be at least fifty feet long, and on top of that - literally - was flames. Fire in every direction, covering most - but not all - of the water, and sweeping back and forth from an invisible hand. I was shaking; I was still aching from the last one, and now I had to wade through water and flames. It frightened me, a lot. I knew the memory he was talking about, and the last thing I wanted was to face it again, but I couldn't very well go back now - I knew this the moment I stepped inside. I knew this was going to come up, and at the time I accepted it, but now, actually facing it, I lost all nerve. I couldn't do this again. Not again.

But then, I had no choice, didn't I? I steadied my breath as much as it would allow me to, and, slowly, started to enter the water. At first the flames backed away from me, until I was under to my neck. Which wasn't that far in, really. And then, just as the memory of that night came swarming to me, so did the fire. It covered me, and I went under, both saving and dooming myself in one. The water in my mind held painful thoughts, and so did the dangers above the water. I was stuck.

I tried not to think about that night and swim forward, towards the end, but I had forgotten which way that was. Unless I glanced above the surface, I couldn't know which way I was heading anymore. And that night. . .

"Give it up, now, or will shoot you both. Where is it?!" Aluna clutched Nor's arm, not seeing any way out of this.

I threw my head above the surface, needing air, and the flames scorched at my hair. I dove back under again quickly, not wasting the breath to scream in pain.

"I'm not telling you anything! You want it so bad, go find it. But I promise you," Nor's voice lowered dangerously, "you aren't going to get out of here alive if you do."

"Nor. . ." Aluna breathed. She could only see the eyes of the person standing on their bed, but that was more than enough. This man had no problem with killing them both, even if it was just for fun.

"You decided your own fate," the cruel voice said. "Remember that." And then a gunshot sounded next to her, and Nor fell back.

I screamed underwater, desperately trying to run from my own mind that was torturing me with this. I surfaced again and swam as fast as I could to the edge Nor was standing at, flames catching and holding to my body where it was above the surface.

"Nor!!!" Aluna screamed, watching in slow motion, it seemed, as his body fell back and touched the pillow, and as each drop of his blood fell almost gracefully to odd parts of the bed. But something was different and ordering her to pay attention - the gun wasn't pressed to her head anymore. She stood up quickly, knocking back the man who had fired the bullet that struck her to-be husband.

"Nor!!!" I screamed in both my mind and lips as I kept bobbing above and below the surface of the water, emotional stress and physical inability getting the best of me. I took a big gulp of water instead of air as I tried to regain my swimming position, but to no avail. I was falling under and getting more and more weak as the seconds passed.

"How dare you?!" she snapped, hitting the man repeatedly as he tried to regain his composure. He managed a slap to her face, making her stumble back a few feet.

"Easy," he growled out, and pointed that gun at her again. She snarled back in return, dodging the bullet without realizing she had.

"Death is too good for you," she hissed out, getting a hold of both his wrists and twisting so he had no choice but to follow the movement - out the window. "But die anyway!!" she yelled as he fell to the ground. She didn't wait to see if he splattered or not; she didn't care about that. She spun on her heel and looked back in her bed, seeing as how Nor wouldn't be likely to sleep in it anymore.

She crumpled and cried.

I couldn't move anymore. I was still under, dangerously low, and my lungs were clenching and causing pain to shoot through my limbs and heart. I was less than halfway there, I knew. But I had to keep going, but why? I couldn't remember anymore.

"Nor. . ." she said, her voice shaking. She forced herself up, going over to the bed, and saw Nor like he always slept, face peaceful and a slight smile on his face, eyes closed.

My eyes opened as that brought up a memory, not a painful one, but of another man, who had that same look, not too long ago, either. A man with golden hair and snuggled deeply under thick blankets, looking warm and comfy and completely content. What was his name? I was always bad with names. So who was it?

"Nor," she whispered, crawling back in bed. The look on his face had given her a false sense of everything being normal. She curled up next to him, feeling hid body heat still intact. "Good night, lover," she breathed, as though everything was perfectly fine.

She had no idea what would be waiting for her in the morning.

Morning. . . That brought up something. I can remember a bit more now. The morning light coming in from a window, behind a man, who was sitting directly on my hips. My eyes caught and took in his face and eyes, amazing eyes, I had thought. Green, but blue; azure, but sea green. Indefinable. Despite his look of annoyance, I saw his usual expression. Calm, happy, full of even greater joy. Beautiful. . .

Aluna woke slowly, stretching out beside her lover, and reached up to touch hi face without looking. Her fingers almost got stuck in sticky, glue-like liquid, thick and smooth. She picked up her head, looking at the man beside her, usually so full of life and energy and good intentions. . .

I got a rush of numbness and strength as my mind took this turn, and swam up again. I threw back my head above the water and gasped, coughing out tiny bits of blood and water mixed. The flames were coming at me again; I had to move quickly. I swam fast again, the fire close behind me and closing in faster than I could swim. They engulfed me just ten feet before the edge of the water and I cried out - pain was just out to get me today, I realized, just like I had that day that. . .

"Nor!!" Aluna yelled, shaking him in the hopes he'd wake up again. "Nor!! If this is some kind of joke, Nor. . ." Her voice was shaking, knowing for the truth that he was dead and was going to not play any more jokes on her, but refusing to acknowledge that fact. "Nor, get up!" she tried one last time. But he gave no response.

But Nor was right there, in front of me, at the edge of the water. I could see him, if just barely, through the licks of the flames before me - no, between us. A few more feet and I could touch him. If only the fire would go away and let me see more clearly. . . But the fire wasn't what was blinding me. It was my own tears, and I knew it. I could taste them as they fell.

Aluna cried for hours after she confirmed he was indeed dead, despite her actions in trying to make him come back to life, and be his old life-like self. But this wasn't Nor at all - Nor was happy, always smiling for her, and completely adorable. This was. . . a doll. A little plastic or wax model of the man she loved and was going to marry. But then, where did he go? If this was another one of his jokes. . .

But of course not. Nor would never do something this extreme. That wasn't like him in the least, really. So she sat and cried, for how long she did not know. She never once looked at the clock, but just stared at Nor or kept her eyes closed. How could this happen to her? First her father, and then her planet and mother, and now Nor? What next?

"Life!" I yelled, struggling to get to the shore. I kept going until I felt my feet touch the ground and found myself crawling out, covered in flames. I was collapsing, and I knew it. Just another two feet. . .

Goodbye, nor," Aluna whispered, gripping the shovel in her hand so tightly it splintered. He was buried now, where the dead belonged. Where did that leave her? She couldn't be alive, not without Nor by her side. But she wasn't going to end up frozen and stiff in little more than two days. So she wasn't alive, and not dead, either. So what the hell was she?

"What am I?" I repeated to myself, almost touching the edge of the water. But the water swelled up even further, making the shore get further away another five feet. And I couldn't take it anymore. I gave one last deep sigh and fell the rest of the way to the ground. The water receded and Nor began to speak.

"I expected as much. All humans can be weakened to the point of giving up. Don't be worried; think of it as a way to find me again. I honestly thought you had a chance, though. I suppose my faith in you was unjust, however."

Aluna slung her bag over her shoulder, leaving behind her very life as she left. She left one note for Bunni, made a marking for Nor's grave so she could find it, gathered her heart and other possessions she would need, along with the money in the hiding spot Nor made, and turned without looking back. When Nor died, so did her life, so she might as well start a new one, just for her, and devoid of any chance of heartbreak. Screw love. She was going to get revenge.

Other scenes over the years flashed by in my mind's eye, showing me little things that meant so much when all put together. My first successful steal; how proud I was at my accomplishment. My extended amount of patience, developed over several years. Waking up with my Blaze heart in my arms after dreams of Nor; how that felt. Seeing my moon reappear after a full night of nothing but bad luck. A lot of really good steals that couldn't have gone any smoother, and then, my mind settled on a face, even as Nor went on.

"I'm sorry you had to go through all this just to die inside your own mind, but you're body's not dead, at least. But unresponsive. I'm not surprised in the least. Human limitations always show at some time or another. Yours has gone as far as it could go."

"You're wrong!" I said, feeling my strength start to come back. I pounded my fist on the ground, and as I did so, the flames on my back went down just a little. "You're wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong!!" I said, pounding my fist with each word, the flames now being almost gone. "You're wrong!!" I snapped, getting up and the flames going out completely, and leaving me unscathed in the least. If anything, that fire had done more good than bad, healing my wounds from the other tests and replenishing my energy to the fullest. "And you're not Nor!!!"

I lunged at the man, knocking him back and taking two weapons I rarely used out from the back of my thighs. I didn't even remember putting them on since about five months ago, really. [DL: I don't know what they're called, so bear with me.] There were basically two daggers, but with two more blades extended from the handle to total three round blades on each one. These I had made very well, so that if I wanted, I could hook the handles together and create a double-sided one. I attacked Nor as he tried to fight back, but he had never reached my level in speed or agility. But he had strength, and despite how fast I was, if he got a hit in, I'd be done for, so to speak.

But he never had the chance. After a good ten minutes at this and both of us nearly losing five or so times apiece, I had him on his back, my right dagger thing against his throat, and sitting on his stomach. "I believe I just passed," I said, sweetly.

Nor smiled at me and nodded, and I got up, letting him get up as well. He pointed over at yet another cave and told me he had to go, but wouldn't be gone forever. He said I had to go through it myself. I nodded and went inside, finding myself just before the door I entered to get here in the first place. But that wasn't what caught my eye.

There was that man again, what's his name. . . Nash; No. It was. . . "Vash," I said aloud. He smiled at me.

"Hello," he said, lifting his hand.

"Hello," I laughed back, not even bothering to notice I hadn't laughed for real in over six years, at the very least.

"I think you were waiting for me," he said, turning and offering his elbow.

"It might be the other way around," I said back, one eyebrow dropped, and slipped my hand on his arm.

"Yeah, just maybe," he smiled. "Shall we?"

"It's a little late for that part," I pointed out. He shrugged.

"Well let's go!" He stepped forward and the doors swung open by themselves, and the moment I stepped into the sunlight, my eyes opened.

"I did it," I whispered to myself, finally letting myself relax. Now what to do. . . "Go to sleep!" I laughed to myself, laying back on the blanket and seeing that black cat walk by again. Odd, but like that was going to bother me now. I finally came to accept everything I couldn't before, and laughed for once, feeling my heart more tender and warm rather than hard and cold. It was a great feeling to have back, but for now, I was going to sleep on it. And then I was going to eat something. And then track down that guy again, and try to figure out what the Hell I was going to say in the meantime.

I sighed and closed my eyes, letting them get heavier and finally surrendering to actual, true rest. "Good night," I muttered as I gave in completely.

After a moment's time, a voice replied, "Good night."

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Happy, sad, happy, sad, and so on. Mood swings. Bleh. But anyway.

Thanks to my reviewers. . .

Nova

Jeril Dragonsoul

Queen-Of-Demon-dragons

And I will see you next chapter!! So. . .

See ya!