Here Comes the Bride, Part 2

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"Gods, this henna stuff is gloppy and obnoxious! How long must it stay on?" the former blond warrior complained.

[author's note: Traditional henna for hair, not the nice extract you now can get from the drug store, is finely powered leaves that gets mixed with water to form a sort of very gritty paste and takes forever to get out of long hair and the wash basin/tub. I tried it once. That was enough.]

"Just a few minutes more, Dear," Lina assured him

"Sylphiel, why are you putting nail polish on my toenails, too?" the suffering swordsman wailed. "My finger nails feel like they are suffocating as it is!"

"You must remember we bought you those lovely open-toed pumps to wear," Sylphiel reminded him. "The color will peep nicely through the stockings."

"This shade of red goes so well with my bridesmaid's dress, don't you think?" Xelloss cheerfully queried and held up his splayed out fingers. He was ignored.

"Ok," Lina announced, "Time to rinse the henna mixture off your hair and eyebrows. You've got so much hair, this is gonna take a while and a lot of water, I'm afraid." She then began to dump a bucket of water on Gourry's head.

"Ack! At least warm the water up!" he protested.

A half an hour later, Gourry looked like a drowned, copper-haired rat. A judiciously modified fireball combined with a wind spell soon dried his hair enough for the women to dress him.

"Ooo, Red, those boxers won't do. Better wear these bikini briefs in case the wind blows your skirt up," Lina demanded.

"If the wind blows my skirt up, that little piece of cloth will clue 'im I'm a male more than the boxers!"

"These frilly pantaloons will handle that, but boxers won't look right under them," Sylphiel declared as she held up the undergarment. "Just get behind that screen and put on the briefs and pantaloons."

"Wait, Sylphiel, we have something else for him," and Lina dangled it in front of the dismayed swordsman.

"What the @#$@# is that? A four-armed octopus?"

"No, ya squid, it's a garter belt. It'll hold up your stockings. You put the pantaloons over the garter belt and briefs. Gourry, stop being a puddle, get up off the floor, get behind the screen and put this stuff on!"

Taking pity on the poor man, Sylphiel whispered, "Lina, why don't we put him in panty hose or use garters?"

"He'll probably put a run in one of the stockings, and he'll just have to replace one leg instead of having to pull off the pantaloons and put on another full set of pantyhose. Garters can slip down. Plus the garter belt'll make him look sexy when he takes off the pantaloons," Lina confided behind her hand to Syphiel.

"Just like this," Xelloss simpered and held up his skirt to reveal black fishnet stockings, garter belt, and, to their relief, panties.

"Put it down, you fruitcake!" Lina screamed as she thunked the monster on his head. This did cause Xelloss to quickly drop his skirt, but not before the women noticed, to their curiosity, that he (or perhaps now she?) didn't seem to have a "package." But they weren't going to indulge him by commenting.

Lina shook her head in disgust before going back to work on the disgruntled swordsman, who, after much swearing, had emerged sheepishly from behind the screen. "Gourry, you ought to be thankful this new padded push-up bra requires less stuffing to give you a fuller figure," Lina admonished as she hooked together the over-shoulder boulder holder behind his back.

"Isn't the lace and pearl work absolutely gorgeous on this gown! You're so lucky. I wish I had an occasion to wear something like this!" Sylphiel said wistfully as she admired the bridal dress on its hanger.

"Sylphiel, you can have it to cut down to your size when this is through, if it survives unstained and unripped. Gladly." Gourry assured her and gave her a comforting pat on the back. He sighed as Lina and Sylphiel tugged a slip over his head and fastened stockings over his legs. Next the mercenary submitted to being attired in the elegant, full skirted bridal dress. A high collar hid his adam's apple and the long sleeves the muscles of his arms. Gloves concealed his calloused hands. Sylphiel sat him down, and, bridal magazine held by Lina, arranged Gourry's tresses to match the picture the shrine maiden had found.

"I smell like a florist shop with all these flowers in my hair," the swordsman grumped.

"Well, you should. You're a beautiful bride, you know! Not a bricklayer!" Lina said as she thwacked him on the shoulder with her hand.

"All these pins holding these curls and rolls of hair make my scalp hurt." he complained, reaching one of his hands towards his hair.

"Stop that! You'll ruin it!" Sylphiel squealed and thwacked his other shoulder. "Now the make-up, Lina."

"First a skin moistener...Now foundation for fair skin... Gourry, you have such a soft, flawless complexion! Here's powder. Don't you dare sneeze, Jellyfish! Some blush... Sylphiel, which eyeshadow?"

"Try the light honeymoon on his lids and just a touch of the light cocoa on the crease. The baby blue should do for eyeliner...Here's the mascara."

"Don't you just hate the way guys can have such long lashes. Don't blink, Baka! Ok, stop clenching your teeth and o-o-pen your mouth a little so I can put this lipliner and lipstick on you."

"If I'm gonna wear a veil, why all this stuff on my face?" Gourry inquired irritably.

"Because we like putting it on you. So there," Lina rejoined. "You look mah-velous, Dahling. Now the veil. Ta-daa!"

"Yes, indeed, you make a goddess-like bride, Gourry Dear," Xelloss commented. The women then tackled the mazoku's make-up, which he seemed to enjoy. Sylphiel found applying mascara to Xelloss' open amethyst demonic eyes rather disconcerting, though, and had to ask Lina to finish them.

"How do I look?" Xelloss had on a green satin A-line dress with sleeves puffed at the shoulders and which came down to his elbows. Green elbow length gloves, green pumps, and a broad brimmed matching hat completed the ensemble.

"Devilishly lovely," replied Lina. "Uh, uh, Yoghurt for Brains, you can't wear the Blast Blade with this dress!" she yelped as Gourry reached for the sword belt.

"But I'll need a weapon for on the way there and might need it once we arrive," he protested.

"How about this? It should be an old friend." Xelloss held out a familiar looking mallet/hammer.

"Argh! That thing again!" Gourry yelled in dismay.

"You just never learned to use it properly. Here, apply your will to it like you did with the Sword of Light, aim through the door at that dead tree over there, and say "lightning."

Reluctantly Gourry took the hammer again and did as he was told. Xelloss held his hands over his ears. A jagged burst of energy leapt from the hammer, and a loud, sharp clap of thunder followed the destruction of the tree.

After everybody in the block, with the exception of startled Gourry and smug Xelloss, picked themselves up from off the ground, Lina and Sylphiel gathered around the stunned, now red-haired, swordsman.

"Where did you get THAT, Xelloss!?" Lina exclaimed.

"Eh, a fellow trickster in another universe borrowed it from his brother to lend to me, and, no, Lina, you can't have it," was all Xelloss would say. "It should fit nicely in your bridal garter, Gourry, just like Filia wears her mace. Now, it'll probably be easiest if I transport Gourry and myself by means of the astral plane to the Elmekia Empire border. We'll then find out where Titanos is. If necessary, we'll use the astral plane again until we are a few hours away from him, then rent a carriage and send word ahead we are coming."

"And how will the carriage and messenger be paid for?" Lina asked skeptically.

"My master always makes sure I have plenty cash on hand and a current Monster Card account. It'll be no problem."

"In the meantime, Lina, why don't you and I return to Seyruun. If more forces have to be gathered that would be the best base," Sylphiel suggested.

"Good idea, " Lina agreed.

Before she could say another word, Xelloss grabbed a reluctant Gourry's hand and phased out of sight with him.

"Bye, Lina!" Gourry managed to shout as they disappeared.

"Gourry!" Lina shrieked back, but he was gone. She shrugged and took up the Blast Blade. "Come on, Sylphiel. To kill some time, let's go punish some bandits for their evil ways. Enough of girly stuff." But Sylphiel noticed the Bandit Killer's eyes were glistening with unshed tears. Xelloss' making off with Gourry was just too close a reminder of another mazoku's vanishing with the swordsman.

Sylphiel put a hand on her friend's shoulder and said to comfort her, "Gourry may be dense, but he knows to watch out with Xelloss. Let's go have some fun before we return to Seyruun." Then they both took off for bandit hunting. In her heart Sylphiel may not have approved of Lina's favorite revenue pursuit, but she knew it was the best way to keep the sorceress distracted while Gourry was not there.

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At the Empire's border, Xelloss and Gourry discovered Titanos and his cohorts were actually only a few hours away. Xelloss found a messenger to carry the news that "Lina Inverse," having finally ditched her "protector" and accompanied by a bridesmaid, was eagerly rushing to the arms of Titanos.

Gourry stood morosely in front of the carriage rental office. He was very uncomfortable in the bridal getup, especially with the shoes, which hurt terribly. "I didn't get a chance to kiss Lina good-bye," he whispered dejectedly.

Xelloss smacked his lips and thought, "Mmm, ummm, traveling with Jellyfish Brains is gonna be like having continuous intravenous feeding," but only commented quietly in Gourry's ear, "If you had kissed her, you would have smeared your lipstick."

As he saddled his horse, the messenger, a tall, blue-haired fellow with a hefty build, leered at the veiled swordsman. "Dang, for a Zephilian girl, that Lina Inverse looks as sturdy as any of our hearty Elmekian lasses! Hey, Sweetie, how's about lifting that veil and giving us a gander of your lovely face?"

In answer, Gourry landed a punch on the man's chin that sent the fellow over the rented carriage and thirty feet into the nearby stable, through the walls of three horse stalls and into to the rump of a disgruntled mule, which promptly kicked him back through the holes. He landed back outside and ate dirt.

"Wow, she's even as strong as our Elmekian girls! What a catch! That Titanos is one lucky guy!" the messenger exclaimed as he groggily mounted his horse and rode away. [Elmekia, where the women are strong, the men goodlooking and the children above savage.]

An hour later found the two "women" comfortably riding along the road to the Elmekia Empire's capital in the rather nice carriage. "As befits the beautiful and powerful sorceress, Lina Inverse," declared Xelloss. "Well, Gourry, now that we're alone for a while, tell me, just what the heck are you?"

"Huh? A mercenary swordsman, now it seems a baron."

"No, my dear Gourry. I mean what type of being."

"A human being, that's all," Gourry responded innocently.

"I was there when you bounded after the Lord of Nightmares. No mere human being could have followed the Mother of All the way you did and survived the Sea of Chaos. You finally flew and penetrated several of the Lord's defenses. I saw you. Your friends could not follow. You brought Lina back. In your fight against Gaav and Valgaav, you took the same punishment as the chimera and yet suffered only the same damage as he. You are not "just" human. I repeat, what are you?"

"Just an anime character?"

Xelloss shook his head and sank back in his seat in defeat. "Guess it'll remain a secret."

At the huge and ornate golden gates of Goroda, trumpets announced the arrival of the great sorceress, "Lina Inverse" and her bridesmaid. Titanos was there to greet them. The Overworlder was twice Gourry's size. His eyes were black shining pits and his magenta hair spouted rather like a fountain from a winged pudding bowl of a helmet on his head. A mole was centered in the middle of each cheek. A small magenta goatee grew on his chin. He was clad in white armor, and the Sword of Light hung on a golden belt around his waist. Gourry nearly sprained an ankle due to the pumps he wore as he disembarked from the carriage. Xelloss feigned a coughing spell to cover up Gourry's lowly muttered curse and, grabbing the "bride's" arm, helped "her" keep "her" balance.

"Oh, dear," Xellos tittered. "We've had such a trying journey in our haste to arrive here, the poor darling is weak with fatigue." Titanos held out his arm to "Lina." Xelloss surreptitiously poked "her" in the ribs. A slight breeze lifted the veil a little, and with a glare flashing at the mazoku, "she" took the proffered arm.

Titanos started in surprise. "What's this?" he rumbled. "I thought Lina Inverse had red eyes."

"Ah...it's a new thing. Lina has never liked the natural color of her eyes and is wearing tinted lens that change the color. There's a sorcerer in Seyruun that specializes in 'em. She thought you would find the blue more attractive, and she does so want to please you," Xelloss reassured the bridegroom. Gourry had the sense to pat the arm of the Overworlder and pretend to simper in adoration.

"Are you too tired, my dear, to attend the repast we have hurriedly prepared for you?" questioned Titanos.

"Oh, no," replied the "bride" in a falsetto. "Food and drink would help revive me."

"Then let us feast and drink to our joining!" declared the Overworlder.

Three chickens, half a roast boar, a platter of mashed potatoes, a wok of vegetables and tofu stir fry, a huge salad bowl, an entire tomato aspic, five loaves of rye bread, a gallon of borscht, two pies, a cake, and one celery stalk disappeared under the veil as did half a keg of ale and two bottles worth of red wine.

Titanos look aghast at the appetite of the "delicate girl."

"The poor girl was so excited and nervous at the prospect of marriage with someone who would truly appreciate her that she starved herself from the time she heard of your proposal. She is only making up for her lost meals," Xelloss explained.

"Ah, yes. Now I remember being told that Lina Inverse has a famous capacity for food intake," Titanos recalled. "But I didn't know just how enormous it was. If she has just as large an appetite in bed..."

Poor Gourry gulped, gave a high pitched giggle and turned his head. "Please, I'm just an innocent girl," he protested, closed his eyes and lowered his head in distress. This was taken for shyness by theOverworlder.

"Well, my lovely, I'll make you a wedding gift that will perhaps cure your shyness. I shall make you a present of this whole world by the time I'm done!"

"And how will you accomplish that?" Xelloss asked.

"By my powers as an Overworlder and with the Sword of Light!"

"Oh, my protector used to carry that, but he only used it at full power when possessed by the Dark Lord Phibrizo and when we defeated Dark Star. It was taken away from here by another Overworld guy, who had this kinda spikey pink hair. I haven't seen the Sword in such a long while. May I touch it? It is such an old friend," Gourry pleaded coquettishly, drawing on years of Lina's example.

"You, dearest, may even hold it," Titanos said fondly and laid the sword across "Lina's" lap.

Xelloss opened his gleaming amethyst eyes and grinned evilly. Gourry seized the hilt and drew it from the scabbard. He glanced at Xelloss, and his eyes took on the hard, fierce, elf-like look they usually assumed when he fought. He threw off the veil and yelled, "Light come forth!" One outcome of his possession by Phibrizo was he now in fact did know how to use it at full power when he had to. Xelloss lifted his right index finger and pointed a potent spell at the sword to augment its power even more. The astonished wedding guests gasped in amazement and fear as Gourry sliced the head of Titanos off and with another slash brought the Sword down through the Overworlder's body.

The Sword, combined with the amazing speed of the swordsman, began to cut down the enemies who drew weapons. Xelloss, transforming his fan back into his staff, added his support to Gourry's efforts.

"It's Thanksgiving time for mazoku in Goroda!" the Trickster Priest sang joyfully as he fed on the fear, hatred, and despair of the defeated. "Boy, am I getting stuffed! Ba-raap!" And the burp broadcast a destructive miasma that dispatched a few more enemy fighters.

Gourry was fortunately facing the other way. He chose to use the Sword of Light still, rather than take one of the regular blades from one of the defeated. There were some trolls and lesser demons among the wedding guests. In addition, he knew enough of Xelloss' nature not fully to trust the monster. Indeed, he deflected and absorbed a couple of "errant" beams of high energy sent his way from the mazoku during the fight. "Whoopsie!" Xelloss said the first time, and "Well, you can't blame a mazoku for trying," the second time.

Not all at the feast were in favor of Titanos, though. They were there out of fear, if guests, and compulsion, if prisoners. When the battle had first started, various weapons appeared from under skirts, tunics, robes, and footwear and were used to quell those who truly were following the Overworlder and to release prisoners. Finally the last of Titanos' adherents either had been killed, had surrendered, or had fled. Gourry stood panting in the midst of the carnage. The veil was long gone, and his hair had tumbled out of its elaborate arrangement. The hated shoes were history and the stockings ripped, but somehow the dress was still in perfect condition. He always was thoughtful of Sylphiel.

As one of the liberated prisoners cleaned a sword he had snatched from one of the fallen early in the fight, the man effusively exclaimed, "Oh, thank you, thank you, Miss Inverse, for saving us from certain destruction!"

"I am NOT Lina Inverse! I'm not even a girl!" growled Gourry in embarrassment. "I am Gourry Gabriev. This getup was only a disguise to fool Titanos so I could get the Sword of Light out of his hands."

"Whatever. It does look good on you, though."

"Argh!" Gourry slapped the palms of his hands on his face. "I didn't bring my regular clothes with me! I'm gonna be stuck going to my family's home in this!"

"M'Lord," a tall, handsome woman shyly interrupted, "My poor, murdered husband had your kind of build. If you don't think it beneath you to wear used clothing and boots, I'll check his wardrobe to see if there is anything like what you are accustomed to wearing."

Gourry remembered some of his long-unused training as a child of nobility as he addressed her. "Thank you, M'Lady." Then his years in armies, mercenary bands, and Lina's company re-asserted themselves. "I really want to get out of this girly crap," he replied gratefully and described his usual outfit.

After the woman had rushed off, Gourry asked, "Is there anyone of the royal family left alive? Somebody with some brains is going to be needed to rebuild our government."

"Many of the court feigned submission to save their skins, and the crown prince fled and hid with several of the family," one man informed the tired swordsman.

"Good. Guess a message should be sent around the Empire to let him know Titanos is no more."

Several of the survivors volunteered to start that particular ball rolling.

The woman returned with, wonders of wonders, blue trousers and shirt exactly like Gourry's normal clothes and socks and boots as well.

Gourry removed the dress and folded it carefully, but with his back to onlookers, he ripped off the pantaloons, destroyed stockings, and garter belt. After he had tugged the trousers over the tiny bikini briefs, the slip and bra rapidly joined the rest of the discarded ensemble. Once fully dressed in familiar garments and boots, he picked up the magical hammer from where he had put it down before changing clothes. "Guess you'd better return this to your trickster friend. I didn't really need it."

Xelloss, in the meantime had taken the winged helmet off the severed head of Titanos. He looked at Gourry standing there with the hammer in his hand and long hair about his face, looked at the helmet, and Gourry again. The Trickster Priest shrugged to himself and thought, "Nah. Marvel Comics has already done that," and then tossed the helmet aside. "Right. Give me that hammer, and I'll return it to Loki so he can unborrow it." After taking the mallet, Xelloss phased away, leaving only his broad-brimmed green hat behind.

That left Gourry musing over his changed social rank and wondering how the Sword of Light could be returned to the Overworld. The bystanders could almost see smoke come out of his ears as he tried to think what to do. "Well, I guess I better head out to my family home and figure out this baron thing. Oh, man, responsibility! Thank goodness I have Lina to be the smarts of the operation. I hope she's ready to settle down now that she really will have a castle and servants to boss around. I'd like to get rid of this sword before I see her, though, and remove temptation."

Just then the air shimmered, and who should appear but Sirius.

"Oh, wow! You're that pink-haired guy from the Otherworld! Great timing!" Gourry shouted in glee.

"The color is mauve and the name is Sirius," the Overworlder informed the swordsman in annoyance.

"Just how serious is your name?" Gourry asked.

"That is my name, Sirius."

"Seriously?"

"No, Sirius. S-i-r-i-u-s"

"Oh. Sir Ius."

"Stop making a joke of my name."

"Oh, No more Sirius conversation?"

"Enough already with the name. Well, it seems, as I look around and see the body of the renegade Titanos over there and the Sword of Light in your hand, that I have nothing further to do but return the Sword of Light to its proper place with the other weapons of power. I'm sorry it took so long to track down the thief. He had us fooled for a while with a false show of meekness and a fake Sword of Light replacement. We only recently discovered the theft when the weapons were being cleaned and his wife reported him missing."

"His wife?! He wanted to marry Lina!"

"Eh, the wife's a bit of a shrew and has let herself go the past few hundred years. She was very disappointed Titanos was still only a junior officer after seven hundred years and constantly ragged him about it. We thought nothing of his disappearance until we found the fake Sword."

Gourry shook his head in amazement. Thinking of his own wife, he looked down and then bashfully at Sirius before requesting, "Before you return to your world, could you please do me a big, big favor and phase over to Seyruun to let Lina know the mission has been accomplished successfully? I think she was headed there, but I'm not sure. I have to go to my family home, and I'd like her to join me there as soon as she can. Oh, and give this dress to Sylphiel, a friend of ours?"

Sirius at first didn't know if he should be offended by being treated as a messenger boy. He was an extremely powerful god, after all. But a look at Gourry's eager, innocent face convinced him the swordsman meant no insult. Besides which, Sirius thought, he did owe the guy something for dispatching Titanos to the Sea of Chaos and recovering the Sword of Light. "Alright," he sighed, and, receiving the Sword of Light and dress from Gourry, zapped away.

"Thank you, Mr. Surreal!" Gourry yelled as the Overworlder faded away. "Well, time to face the homefront and prepare for the arrival of the Baroness Gabriev. Oh, crap, I hope I can get the Blast Blade away from her!" Picking up a likely looking sword left among the discarded weapons from the fight and testing the blade's balance, Gourry set off down the road to his future.