"OK so how do I put this?" Think, think, think some more. "OK it's like this. Myself and other fellow ancients have taken a... particular interest in your relationship"

Let me say they have decided to stay in silent mode for the time being. Fine if you want to play games.

"Or lack there of" I add

That got a reaction. They both look, incredulous. Sheepish incredulous. Is that an oxymoron? I'm still not getting any answers.

"We just want to clarify a few things" I've decided to continue rather than sit the silence. "Like what the heck is going on and when will we be seeing some results"

"Results"

Glad to see your keeping up with me Jack.

"Yeah results. As in when are you going to throw caution to the wind and..."

"And?"

"Oh you may act all coy Miss C, but I know stuff. We know stuff. We know you know we know. You know we know you know we know and the only person who doesn't know seems to be Jack and I think deep down he knows we know he truly knows what we know and you know"

Wow, I rock.

"Miss C?"

Ok my patience is waning Mr O.

"OK, is it ever going to happen. Because we wish, you'd decide. The whole should they, could they, will they wont they is wearing a bit thing. We cant stand the tension anymore."

"I'm assuming you mean us as in 'us'?" again with the inverts from the blonde woman in the blue eyed corner. Look who just caught up.

"Uh yeah, I mean you two as in the 'us'"

Jack seems to not only have caught up at this point but is ready to put forward a defence as well.

"Well for one thing she's seeing someone"

Do I really have to answer that comment?

"You mean 'Pete'?"

Yes I inverted comma. 'Pete' oh yeah, because he is so the equivalent of Jack. I can so get used to this sarcasm art. I take it my inverts are not acceptable by the good Major. She looks ready to pounce and I doubt I could take her. Time for my defence.

"You can't seriously say Pete is anything special compared to Jack" Hello, wake up and smell the coffee.

No answer. This is good.

"And you"

I've decided it isn't fair to put the entire onus on Sam and so yes Colonel Dear, you're getting dragged into this as well.

"Why is it always Sam who has to make a move? She isn't the only one holding a torch for someone. She isn't the only one whose job is on the line. She isn't the only decision maker in this relationship, such as it is."

They look terribly sheepish. Like when a kid has been called in front of the principal and is looking to squirm out of it by acting coy.

"There's pro's and cons to each side, and I'm not trying to hurry you guys along or anything but"

Long, pause here for extra gumption.

"It's been seven years"

"Technically it hasn't as our 'relationship' has grown over the last seven years"

What is it with the woman and inverted comma signs? I swear if she does it one more time, I may pick up one of the doohickeys and chop them off.

"Oh Puh-Lease"

Yet again another long pause for added effect, this acting ancient thing is really cool. You should try it.

"You two have wanted to jump each other ever since you set eyes on each other. That whole flirting thing in the briefing room. And in front of your fellow officers no less. So don't give me the, our relationship has 'grown' excuse"

Oh my god, I'm catching 'inverted comma' fingeritis. I've decided walking round the lab will add to the atmosphere. That and her lab is actually quite intriguing and I want a closer look. So I'm nosy, sue me. Believe me when you make one of these trips you'll want to get a glimpse into certain things as well.

Ok here's some fat to add to the fire.

"Did you know Pete did a background check on you?" Oh yeah I went there people.

Do you see the smile on my face? I've been wanting to drop him on that one for a few months. The therapist was right, I do feel better.

"Excuse me"

Yup that got your attention.

"Yeah, about ooh I dunno, a week or two after you first met. Round about after you'd reached fourth base but still couldn't reveal your more private work"

Carter looks half-horrified, half-angry and I'm wondering whom the anger and horror is angled towards, Pete or me. And O'Neill, O'Neill is standing with a huge grin on his face. Yes Colonel you have a foot in the door, you have always had a foot in the door. You have just decided not to let the body push further through the doorway.

"Don't look smug Jack. It's kinda your fault"

"Mine, How the hell did you come up with that?"

Mmm he is so attractive and sexy when he's a little riled. Aww sweet. Focus Lou, focus. I swear if Mr J arrives, I'll be putty. Anyway...

"If you hadn't made her think that you and she. It's complicated."

OK I'm not helping the confused look leave his face.

"When Sam was on the Prometheus, the whole vision stuff. It was herself talking to herself but it was images of you guys and"

Am I getting anywhere? I think not and now I'm feeling confused. Ok stop the bus I'm getting off. I think Sam has joined me with the confusion thing. Ok back to her.

"And what's with that? You have that whole vision, then you get with Pete and then all a sudden Boom, there's the whole sexual tension between you two only on a whole different level"

I think I lost them when I said I was an ancient.