[Disclaimer: I don't own Lizzie McGuire, or a lot of the very odd things that happen. Those belong to Amy. (When this story is finished, I'll let you know what the requirements for this story were.)
Onto the story!]
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As I walked down the stairs of my house on that Tuesday afternoon, my sister Maddy was still running around with her arms in the air like some constipated chimpanzee. So I did what any loving older sister would do.
I duct-taped her mouth shut. Gosh, duct tape is so revolutionary. You can tape windows and doors closed so terrorists don't poison us all. You can duct tape your broken glasses together, and duct tape boxes so much that you can't open them. And you can duct tape people to walls and um...
Nevermind!!
Ugh, she's still doing it. Excuse me while I add another layer.
There. Now you can barely make out the OOH, WHO'S GORDO?'s she keeps screaming. I am such a genius. I seriou--
my mother yelled. What have you done to your sister? Stomping over to where my mother was trying to peel the tape off Maddy's mouth.
She was being an annoying little b--
PARKER! Just for using that word, I'm sending you to the store to buy kumquats! my mother screamed in my face. Then, she turned back to Maddy, still trying to get the tape off.
Mother! I wasn't even going to say that word! I was going to say she's a little b---
PARKER! STORE! NOW!
I don't even have any money, I said, whining and pouting as best I could.
So steal them, I don't care, her mother said, preoccupied with the tape. Just go! NOW!
I trudged out the door, with 2 bucks in my pocket with which I was going to buy myself a nerd to go to the karaoke thing with, but instead, now it was going to buying kumquats. Great. Walking down my driveway, I heard a deafening, high-pitch squeal.
Sounds like she got the tape off.
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The closest grocery store was 20 miles away. I walked all the way there, crawling on my hands and knees with 2 dollars and a gum wrapper in my pocket. I wasn't sure I would make it, but then I did. I slithered on the floor until I could prop myself up on my feet and lean against the carrots, letting the produce sprinkler thingies spray on me to cool down. I was just about to drift off into a nice pleasant fantasy about Ben Stiller and onions when I heard a voice talking to me. I thought for a second it was Ben and without opening my eyes, was moving towards the voice with my lips ready to smoochy smoochy. Then I opened my eyes and screamed. I was just about to kiss Larry Tudgeman!
Ew! Larry! Stop interrupting my Ben Stiller fanta--I mean, my dream. Larry just rolled his eyes around in confusion. I'm here on an errand. I was just about to leave when he started to talk to me. Which was so weird, considering I don't think we've talked since...hmm...ever.
Mm. Produce shopping? I feel your pain, Obi-Wan. I'm here on a top secret mission, he whispered.
I said excitedly. What is it?
I've been sent...to buy kumquats, he whispered again. Returning to his normal voice, he remembered something. I wasn't supposed to tell you that, was I.
He walked over to the kumquat table and started touching several of them. So what are you here for, my fair maiden?
Ummm, kumquats, I think. Sometime between getting run over by that 5 year old on a bicycle and hitting my head on a fire hydrant, I might've forgotten, I said absentmindedly.
Larry began, picking up two kumquats and holding them near his chest. You should make sure your kumquats are soft. Not too firm, but not too soft. He squeezed the two kumquats and looked down at them. A woman watching nearby covered her kids' eyes and stomped away in a huff. I looked at Larry, holding the kumquats like that. Um, maybe it wasn't the best possible position... I don't get it either, he whispered. Always someone offended by the kumquats. Like kumquats ever did anything to them--
I looked to my right to see none other than Danny Kessler himself, wearing absolutely nothing. Wait--WHAT?! OH MY GOD MY EYES!!!! OH MY GOD DANNY KESSLER IS RUNNING AROUND ACME BUTT NAKED!!
I screeched, and he held his ears, wincing in pain, as did many people around me. Stomping over to him, and turning red with anger (though I'm not sure why), I tried my best not to look down or I might see something up close that could scar me for life. Danny Kessler, please explain to me WHY in the name of all that is good you are streaking across the grocery store!! You know what he did? He shrugged. All that, and he SHRUGGED! So I did what any self-respecting human would do.
I kicked him in the groin.
Maybe a bit harsh, considering the lack of clothes AND the fact that I was wearing spikes, but um, I guess he deserved it.
Okay, he didn't. But it was fun anyway.
I left him writhing in pain on the floor and returned to Larry.
So, Larry, I said, ignoring the many people (including the guy I was talking to) still staring at a naked Danny, holding his crotch and begging for mercy. Long time, no talk!
Uh, Parker, he said, his eyes still transfixed on Danny, We've never talked before in my life.
I said, desperately searching for something I could say that wouldn't totally awkward at this point but there really wasn't much except maybe saying nothing and leaving which would've been rude and then he really would've never talked to me but I thought he was kinda cool even though a little dorky maybe we could be really good friends but I don't know cause I've never talked to him and there's nothing unawkward I could say at this point so I feel like blurting something out---I have a really big crush on Gordo!!!
Larry stared blankly at me for a second before busting out a really big grin.
he asked in a giddy, high-pitched, frightening voice. I have a really big crush on Lizzie!
I screeched, and he held his ears. Um, sorry. I should probably get these kumquats home before they...rot, or something.
Parker, kumquats don't go bad for at least a week--
Uh, gotta go!
I sped out the door. Today was a much better day than I thought it would be. I'd just found out Larry has a crush on Lizzie, even though it took me telling him I'm in love with Gordo to do iot.
Oh, and kicking Danny in the groin was very liberating.
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[A/N: I'm on drugs. Let's face it.
Lemme know what you think: please review. THANKS, buddy!]
