Girls Night Out by RedDwarfette

Summary: Anya hires Spike as the entertainment at her bachelorette party. Season 6 of BtVS.

AN: This fiction is dedicated to all the fans of BtVS & Ats who need a laugh.

Disclaimer: The characters of Buffy & Angel are the property of Joss Whedon, Fox & UPN. Lyrics from You Sexy Thing by Hot Chocolate and the remix by T-Shirt.

************************************

'My back feels like I've been tackled an army of pissed off Slayers.'

'You think that's bad? Wait till you've had quarters stuffed down your pants,' Clem said shuddering, 'Don't ask.'

'Wasn't planning to, mate.'

Spike slumped in his chair and opened a beer.

'How do I let myself get talk into these things,' he mused.

Clem sat on the lounge sewing Velcro onto the seam of a pair of black pants, 'Blind luck?'

'Luck has nothing to do with it. Stupidity perhaps. So, ah, what did you think of that one?'

'Good. Pretty soon you'll be shaking your money maker like a pro.'

Spike groaned, 'You say that, like it's a good thing.'

'I noticed Buffy working at the Doublemeat last week. If she needs money that bad, maybe this could be a regular for you. I know Chantelle is hiring over at the Eye Candy club.'

'I don't think so,' Spike shook his head. 'And what are were you doing over at the Doublemeat Palace anyway?'

Clem blushed, 'I like the double medley's.'

Spike smirked, 'Really?'

'Well there's this girl...' Clem began.

'Always starts with a girl.'

******************

'So end's another successful day at Angel Investigations,' Cordelia sighed, 'Now, if I could just get this Murlav demon mucus out of my hair, it could almost qualify as a perfect day.'

Cordelia sifted through the mail.

'Sunnydale? Who would send me anything from-?'

A card fell onto the desk.

Dear Cordelia,

      I have arranged a traditional gathering of females, both human and demon, to participate in celebrating my last few days as an independent single woman. As former business associates [vengeance demon activities performed for you as Anyanka] and rivals in the battle for Xander's heart [keep away from him, he's mine!] I would like to invite you and your co-worker Miss Burkle to attend my bachelorette party. There will be a non-violence spell in place with refreshments provided. I have also engaged the services of William the Bloody [Spike] to entertain. Hopefully in very tight pants.

     Eagerly awaiting your acceptance,

              Anya Christina Emanuella Jenkins

P.S. Details are enclosed and don't forget a gift.

'Fred,' Cordelia's yell echoed through the hotel.

'What's wrong?' Fred ran down the hall clad in a towel, Murlav mucus still clinging to her face.

'Pack your bags. We're going to Sunnydale.'

******************

"Cause the Doublemeat is double sweet-"

'Hi Buffy. Xander isn't home. Would you mind not singing that jingle in the hallway. It's annoying,' Anya said closing the door.

'Wait, I want to talk to you about your party,' Buffy said.

'Oh,' Anya smiled, 'come in.'

'I heard you've hired someone we know for the entertainment,' Buffy started.

'That's right,' Anya poured herself a juice, 'Want some?'

'No, thanks.' Buffy hesitated. 'So, who did you hire?' she said after a few seconds of silence.

'Spike.'

'Spike? As in my Spike?'

'That's what I said. Hey, did you just say m-'

'You hired Spike to dance in front of horny human and literally horny demon women?'

Anya nodded, 'Yes. Is there a problem?'

'Is there- Is there a problem? I have to go,' Buffy said rushing out the door.

******************

'Hi Anya, it's Dawn. I was wondering, about your party, would you mind if I brought a friend? You don't? Wow, thanks. And about the strip- Uhuh, I totally agree. Girls should be able to appreciate the male form from an early age. Thanks Anya, you're the best. See you later.'

******************

Dear Halfrek,

      I have arranged a traditional gathering of females, both demon and human, to participate in celebrating my last few days as an independent single woman. As former business associates and dearest friends, I would like to invite you to attend my bachelorette party and respectfully request that no vengeance be performed during the festivities. There will be a non-violence spell in place with refreshments provided. I have also engaged the services of William the Bloody [Spike] to entertain. Hopefully in very tight pants.

     Eagerly awaiting your acceptance,

              Anya Christina Emanuella Jenkins

P.S. Details are enclosed and don't forget a gift.

Halfrek read her invitation again, as she waited for D'Hoffren's call. William, mmm, I wonder if it could be... 

D'Hoffren sat at his desk filling out forms.

'Halfrek,' he said.

Halfrek materialised in the seat across from the Lord of Arash Ma'har.

'Yes, D'Hoffren?'

'Halfrek, I see you've failed to complete this request for time off. I'm assuming this involves Anyanka?'

Halfrek nodded, 'Yes, D'Hoffren. She is having a celebration for her wedding.'

'Hmm, hope for the best, wish for the rest. Your application is accepted. You may go,' D'Hoffren dismissed Halfrek.

******************

'Oh my god, Janice. Anya said you could come to her party. We are going to have a blast. No, I haven't talked to Buffy about it but- Anya invited us and it's her party. Ok, I'll have the talk. I hope he's cute too. Wow, I wonder if he'll go down to his underwear or take it all off. Ha ha. I know, it could be. Him again? Do me a favour and forget about Ryan, please? See you tomorrow. Bye.'

******************

'You're not chatty tonight, Slayer,' Spike said staking the last vampire.

'I didn't realise it was my sparkling conversational skills you were interested in,' Buffy replied.

'Alright, what the hell's got your gander up?' Spike turned towards a red faced Buffy.

'You, that's what,' Buffy yelled, 'Don't act like you don't know. You're going to strip at Anya's party!'

'Oh balls, yes.' Spike rolled his eyes, 'I'm doing the demon girl a favour.'

'A favour? Don't make me laugh,' hysterical laughter threatened to burst forth.

'I'm the very non-soul of seriousness.'

'You're only doing it to make me jealous.'

'Is it working?' Spike grinned. 'No need to tell me, I can see it does. Real question is, why does it bother you so much? 'Cause I'm taking my clothes off for other birds?'

'You conceited-'

'Anyway, I'm being paid for my services.'

'So what? Anya would only pay peanuts.'

'Is that right? Well she's paying me two hundred of them. Might make peanut butter.'

Buffy stopped for a moment, 'But that's three day's wages at the Doublemeat.'

Spike nodded.

'Does she need a double act?'

******************

'We're staying at the Sunnydale Sleep Easy. Uhuh, we're going to see her parents tomorrow and have lunch. I'm not expecting any, no. Tara, that's Willow's friend, put in a spell similar to the one at Caritas, so I feel pretty safe. I miss you too, sweetie. She's out with Anya, Buffy and Willow. Hope you're keeping the bed warm. Shush, what if Angel heard you? So what's been happening at home? Wes is having the card framed? In the entrance? Why? I guess seeing the great Anyanka turned human and William the Bloody turned stripper would deter them from a life of evil. Ok, you hang up first. No you. You. Charles... On the count of three. One. Two. Three. You didn't hang up. Alright baby, I'll see you soon. Love you, bye.'

******************

Xander lay in bed staring at the ceiling.

'Anya, we need to talk.'

Anya turned to face him, 'I think so too. I was watching Oprah the other day and she said the leading cause of most divorces is a lack of communication. I'll start. I enjoyed spending time with your ex girlfriend. Not long ago I would have scratched her eyeballs out. See? I'm making progress with my possession issues. That's another thing Oprah discussed.'

'No, wait. I'm concerned about your party. Actually concerned isn't the word for it, worried beyond all rational reason would be more appropriate,' Xander said.

'Honey, if this is about,' Anya said, 'Willow told me you might have a problem with the dancer. I assured her that you are a mature,' Anya stopped when Xander shook his head in denial.

'Nuhuh, in no way claiming to be mature.'

'It's just a ritual. A human ritual. A treat for the eyes of my female guests. And you're having a stripper at your party, too.'

Xander sighed.

'First of all, yes I am but this is different. I don't want you checking out other guys. No treat for you.'

'But it's ok for you to check out some other girl?' Anya said.

'See? This is where the lack of rationality comes in.'

Xander audibly gulped, 'Who is it?'

Anya hesitated.

'Spike.'

'Tight, muscular, lean cuisine creature of the night, Spike?'

'Yes.'

Xander sighed in relief, 'Oh, thank god. I was stressing thinking it would be someone you'd be attracted to. You might have told me earlier and saved me a heart attack.'

'Sorry, Xander. I had to get someone that the girls both human and demon would want to see stripping and Spike fit the bill. But no treat for Mrs. Anya Harris nee Jenkins,' Anya smiled, 'Although, I was thinking he could use a lasso to spice up his act, or a-'

'Ahn, I'm begging. Please don't put those mental images in my head.'

The engaged couple snuggled closer under the covers.

'You know, there was a time when I also danced the seductive and tantalising dance of the male stripper.'

'Really?'

'Yep. Summer after graduation. Car broke down and I had to earn money. I was hired at the seediest little dive and...'

'Do you, ah, remember those moves?'

"I believe in miracles, Where you from? You sexy thing..."