Inuyasha

The Hanyou Hazards

Sketch Two

The Web.

This chapter was inspired by a sketch I've seen on Dave Chappelle's Show a few weeks ago. Dave queried an interesting question: What if you actually went into a area-- like say a mall, that is literally the internet? Oh boy! I can see the madness now! There's going to be things that you mat enjoy, like say online shopping for clothing, music, videos... you know. But alas, there are definitely going to be some things that one will not tolerate such as... nah! Best not get into that.

Just check this chapter out and you'll see what I mean...

"Serious? You birthday's coming up?" Inuyasha queried into his cell phone. "Damn. I nearly forgotten all about it. Well in that case, what would you like for your birthday?"

"Anything would be nice, Inuyasha." Replied Kagome earnestly. "As long as it comes from the heart. You know, nothing too expensive and definitely nothing cheap."

"Hmm. How about I take a browse at The Gap, or maybe The Body Shop..." A sly, lecherous grin came on his face. "I know, how about some fancy lingerie from Victoria's Secret?"

Kagome scoffed. "I believe you been around Miroku a little bit too often."

"It's a possibility." Inuyasha shrugged. "Alright, I'm heading out in a few. Love you."

"Love you too." Kagome chirped, making a smooching noise before she hung up.

"Okay... let's see. I'll just buy her a few outfits, some roses, and a birthday cake. That'll make her day." A knock was heard at his door. "Come on in Miroku. What do you want?"

His companion entered the room. "How's it going? Got any plans?"

"Sort of." Inuyasha responded as he sat up on the couch. "I need to go shopping today. Kagome's birthday is in a few days."

"Is that so?" Miroku suddenly beamed. "Good timing. That is just what I wanted to talk to you about. You see, there is this new mall that just had it's grand opening a few weeks ago and I was wondering would you like to check it out."

Inuyasha shot up from the couch. "This couldn't have been a better opportunity! Yea c'mon, let's go see what is this place all about."

"This mall is called... The Web." Miroku explained. A spooky feeling filled the room as he said the name.

"Okay... This must be one hell of a mall to earn the name The Web." He grimaced as he felt the eerie vibes again. Even a scary orchestra sample was heard.

"Alright then. Let's get on the road."

* * *

The Web was... without argument, the biggest and most spacious mall Inuyasha had even shopped in. The entire place was overcrowded with civilization and stores alike. As a matter of fact, The Web can pass up as a city in it's own right. He gaped at the beautiful scenery in awe. He almost forgot what he was here for...

To buy gifts for Kagome.

"Damn. This place is definitely lively." Inuyasha commented. "There's way too many stores . I'm starting to feel as thought that is a bad thing."

"You think so?" Miroku queried as he caught the glimpse of a shapely long legged beauty with flashy clothing walk by. "I'll say, there's a whole lot of beautiful women hanging around today."

"You can say that again." Inuyasha whistled as he say another lovely young woman bending over.

Almost as though, the 'flashy' woman heard Miroku's comment, she waved at him and made her way over to the two. Miroku shot her a disbelieving look as she regarded him. "Hi there. It's a wonderful day, is it not?"

Miroku momentarily snapped out of her trance. "Why yes, my dear! It certainly is a nice day! Although, not nearly as nice as you."

The tall blonde burst into giggles. "Yay! I finally got one!!" She bounced, putting Miroku under her trance again as he paid special attention to her elastic and bubbly chest. "It's my lucky day! I have another costumer!"

"Costumer?" Miroku queried, then with realization, his face went into a philandering sneer. "Hmm. I see. You know, my pockets are swollen with cash. But that's not the only thing that's swollen in my breeches. If you know what I mean?" He winked at her.

Inuyasha rolled his eyes. "Oh boy..."

The blonde grinned. "No, silly! I'm not a prostitute, well at least not now. I'm selling Viagra!"

Miroku seemed offended. "What!!? Listen lady, do I look like an old man to you? Or Mr. Heifner for that matter? I don't need any dick enhancements." He made a face. "Not now, anyway."

The blonde made an sad face. "Aw... I'm sorry. Oh well, I'll just be on my way..."

"Hold it." Miroku commanded. "What's your number? Maybe we can date sometimes. Besides, I can prove to you that I don't need any Viagra."

The pretty blonde blush and went into her pocket and gave Miroku her business card. "I'll be waiting." She kissed him on his cheeks and walked off.

"Still got it." Miroku said proudly.

"Maybe so..." Inuyasha grinned. "But she tried you when she offered you Viagra."

"She knew better than that. She'll soon learn that it don't take a wonder drug to satisfy women." Miroku declared. "I can see it now..."

"Miroku! No! Don't! Stop!" Inuyasha mocked. "She's not even going to let you lay a finger on her."

"You're wrong." Miroku retorted confidently. "It's more like: 'Miroku! No! Don't stop!!"

"Right..."

As they were about to approach a fashion store, a young man approached them. He came from seemingly out of nowhere. He had several videos, dvds, music cd's, and games on him. "Yo partner, what's up?" He called out.

"What cha know?" Inuyasha beckoned as his attention was ensnared by the man.

"Man, I got every piece of the latest media you want. I got the latest music cd's, games like, Playstaion 1 and 2... even 3, XBox, Gamecube, triangle, sphere... all the games man!" The man explained.

"No thanks. I'm fine" Inuyasha dismissed offhandedly.

"Okay. Alright. Maybe games aren't you thing." The seller said. "How about music? Yeah! I got that Lil Flip, new Brittany Spears, Kanye West, Evanescence , Alicia Keys, Lil Jon, Eminem, Trick Daddy, Outkast... man I even got that new three disk 2Pac that no one knows about."

"No thanks..."

"Okay then... DVD's! Man I got everything that's on video at discounted prices. I even have the shit that's in theatres. You know, Standing Tall, Passion, Hell Boy, The Punisher, Kill Bill volume 2, Starsky and Hutch..."

"Damn man! I'm fine." Inuyasha assured, trying his best not to be irritated.

"Porno! Yeah, I got you covered on that! I even got that R. Kelly when he went into that Girl Scout meeting..."

Miroku suddenly chirped. "Oh! I've heard about that one! Although I still don't believe it was really him."

"Say dude, I'll just get in touch with you some other time." Inuyasha convinced. "You okay with that?"

"That's cool. Then I'll see you later. Peace!!" The seller departed.

"Shit! What a nuisance that guy was!" Inuyasha condemned.

Miroku guffawed. "Let's continue shall we?"

"Keh..."

"INUYASHA! MIROKU!!" Shouted a feminine voice.

The two followed the source of the voice and before they knew it, Kikyou ran up to them. The miko seemed to be severely upset. She wore casual jean clothing. "Kikyou? What's wrong?"

The raven haired woman nearly cried. "Guys, it's an emergency!! When I woke up this morning, I'd discovered that my bow and quiver of arrows was stolen!!" She exclaimed. "Not only that, my Shinto robes has been stolen as well!"

"Somebody obviously has a death wish." Miroku replied, sympathizing the culprit that has to face the miko's wrath.

"Damn! Kikyou, you better go see about that!" Inuyasha suggested.

"I have a lead." Kikyou elucidated. "Sangou and Akane told me that the robes were the latest trend among thieves. They especially said that there was a place that buys the robes for a whole lot of money. I wonder what it could be?"

"Hmm..." Inuyasha pondered. "I don't know..."

"Wait a minute." Miroku realized. "Kikyou, that sounds like E-Bay."

"E-bay?" She queried at the foreign name.

"You mean that place way over there?" Inuyasha questioned as he pointed towards an overcrowded court, which was apparently a bidding area. It was too obvious. There was even a huge banner that reads e-bay. "Wow. Look at them go."

Kikyou gasped.

"Uh oh." Miroku nodded. "The crime rate will definitely rise today."

At that moment an announcer spoke into the microphone. "And here, we have a lovely pair of midnight blue panties." He announced. "Not only that it has the inscription 'KIKYOU' on it.! Isn't it lovely? The bidding shall begin at two fifty..."

Inuyasha and, even Miroku, grimaced. "That's a new low..." Then they suddenly cringed in fear as the girl combust into flames. "Umm... Kikyou?"

"So, it was them eh?" She grounded menacingly as she rolls up her sleeves. "The bastards! May they suffer in hell for that offence..."

"Kikyou..."

She gave them a fronted pleasant smile. "Sorry to scare you. Now, if you nice young men will excuse me," Her flare returned. "I got business to take care of!!" Before they knew it, the miko was already at the court and all hell broke loose.

"Say Miroku, I'm going in this women's fashion store." Inu informed. "Isn't there a store that you would like to check out? Because I may just be in here for a while."

"Alright. Let's split. I meet you here in another hour."

"Keh. Later."

* * *

Miroku browse the aisles inside a pornography store. According to him, this place had the highest quality. He eyed the shelves, highly fascinated. Then all of a sudden, a specific video caught his attention.

"Hey! I know her!" Miroku exclaimed as he grabbed a box from the shelves. "I went to school with this chick! Man! She lost all that weight!"

Miroku resumed his browsing... "Hmm..."

"High School Heat..."

"Super Freaky Seventies..."

"Getting More Booty Than A Toilet Seat... Interesting title."

"Orgy Party..."

"Fullbacks: A Sports Illustrated Special..."

"Oh! Look at this! Put The Spear in Brittany!!"

"Dragon's Balls!! Ew!!"

"What? 'Turkey & Liquor After Boning?' Strange..."

"Dead Sexy... cool!"

"The Booty Goddess..."

"Sperm's Course & Dukie Love... damn!"

Miroku was overwhelmed. He had to make a choice. "What they heck? I'll buy about five of these. Now the problem remains... How do I manage to slip these videos by Sangou, unnoticed?" He wondered. "Oh well, if she punish me for it, it'll be all worth it!"

The intercom suddenly spoke. "Attention shoppers!! Pop-ups are on display in five seconds..."

"Pop-ups, eh?" Miroku wondered. "Sounds good. Bring it on!!"

The shelves suddenly caves out from the wall, gaining enough room for it to spin around in order to present it's new display. Miroku smiled in anticipation as he grinned anxiously. Too bad...

Because he's in for a real surprise...

The next thing he knew, something totally unexpected were now embellished on the aisles. Miroku realizes this and gasped in horror. It were obscene pictures of men... Men on other... It was definitely something he wouldn't tolerate.

"What is the meaning of this!!?" Miroku shrieked highly horrified. "This is the special display!!?"

The television screens embedded on the walls of the store begins to show some of the footage. Miroku covered his eyes with his arms and tried to find the exit. Unfortunately, he fell on the floor.

"Mama!!" He shouted. "Save me!! This is worse than hell!!"

"Ah, get off your high horse!" The employer remarked. "It's not that bad. As a matter of fact, it's beautiful!!" Jakotsu sighed blissfully as he blew his bubble gum.

"GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!"

* * *

Meanwhile in the courtyard. The E-bay bidding was in tragic ruins and male bodies flew every which way as though a tornado had touched down. A certain raven haired girl was indeed taking care of business...

"Where are my bow and arrow? What have you done with my robes!!" Kikyou demanded fiercely as she held a man in the air by his throat. "Onigumo! You bastard!! Why have you stole my favorite pair of underwear!!?"

"C-- CALL THE POLICE!!!: Onigumo managed to yell.

If anyone fails to stop the raging girl soon, there was bound to be some casualties...

END OF SKETCH TWO

TO BE CONTINUED IN A FUTURE CHAPTER...

SHOUT OUTS!!

Numisma: What's up? Hey, thanks for tuning in! It was funny wasn't it? Well it's about to become even funnier! Thanks a bunch! Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Was that woman on the "Inuyasha Villains" the Falcon Youkai, Princess Abi? I'm anxious to know! A friend of mine had episode 124... "Farewell Lovely Kikyou". I can't wait to find out. Hit you later.