A/N- Thanks guys- so happy ya'll are enjoying! Usual disclaimers apply, the lyrics are from Incubus' "Have You Ever."
Counting the Cost
~*~
Chapter Fifteen
Two Steps Back
~*~
Jack swallowed his pain pills with a glass of water in the kitchen. He had to take them every two hours after leaving the hospital, and couldn't sleep anyway. It was now about six o'clock in the morning, and he had to wake up at seven and go to work and act like his arm hadn't been shot, like he had gotten a full night's rest, and like hadn't been attacked by terrorists last night.
He could hear Nina pacing her room. She wasn't technically supposed to sleep because of the slight concussion she had received, and for once, she was following orders, albeit begrudgingly. The baby was unharmed by the fall, and that was enough for her to do as she was told.
They hadn't really spoken after coming home from the hospital. She had just walked back into the apartment, mumbled goodnight, and gone into her room.
Jack decided she would never stop confusing him. A couple hours ago, she was finally apologizing for everything she had done. And now, the moment had passed and she was back to her old self, closed off and invulnerable.
~*~
Nina sat down on her bed after pacing restlessly for hours. She was tired and her head was throbbing. Her pregnancy stopped from being able to take any pain pills.
She could hear Jack in the next room. Work was going to be really fun for him tomorrow, she thought with a slight grin, imagining a bleary-eyed, stumbling Jack walking into CTU, babbling incoherently.
She put her hands on her stomach, exhaling heavily. The baby was alive and healthy. See, she could be a good mom. True, most mothers didn't have to fend off terrorists for the sake of their child, but she wasn't most mothers.
It was so weird to even think about herself as a mom. She had settled long ago on the fact that that the whole "family life" was never going to happen to her, and she had never really cared.
She looked out the window, fatigue making an icy feeling creep over her skin. She had to get out of here, or she was going to eventually nod off. She heard Jack close a cabinet in the kitchen. Trying not to remember the weakness she had displayed in their last conversation, she got up to open the door.
If anyone could keep her awake, Jack could.
~*~
"Hey." She said nonchalantly, sauntering into the kitchen and sitting on the table.
Jack acknowledged her with a slight nod, going back to his sandwich.
"So…you do realize that you have to get ready for work in a half-hour?" She asked.
"Yeah." Jack sighed.
"Oh, well, if anyone asks, tell them you were with me." She smiled slightly.
"Sure, Tony would love that." Jack couldn't help but smile slightly as well.
"Oh, who cares what Tony thinks? "
"He's the boss."
"That is so bizarre. Every memory I have of him is of this subservient guy with unfortunate facial hair who we just delegated everything to. And then, when I saw him at CTU…I just can't imagine him running the place." Nina shook her head.
"Well, he does fine." Jack shrugged.
"If you say so." She replied, unconvinced.
Nina looked away, redoing her messy bun, and subsequently popping her knuckles.
"I hate when you do that." Jack said, looking up at her, starting to feel his exhaustion melt into irritability.
"Oh, so sorry." Nina said sarcastically, popping away.
"Quit being such a bitch." Jack said under his breath.
Nina looked at him with narrowed eyes.
"Excuse me?"
"Nothing." Jack said, looking determinedly at his sandwich.
"You think THIS is me being a bitch?" Nina got to her feet, her eyes flashing dangerously.
"Nina, just drop it. I'm sorry, I'm just tired."
"You've never seen half of what I can do to people, Jack. You have no idea." She said, walking up to the table.
"Oh, I think I distinctly remember getting a personal demonstration when you killed my wife." Jack said, standing up, his voice lowering dangerously.
"I was doing you a favor." Nina said, smiling cruelly.
Jack had never wanted to hit someone so badly in his entire life. He grabbed her upper arm with a grip rivaling a vice, his teeth gritted tightly, trying to think of something to say that would match his anger. Nina didn't even blink, meeting his eyes steadily.
"Come on, Jack. Some part of you knows that, deep down, you went back to her because you felt obligated. She never realized what she had. Kim hated her for how she treated you. You told me that. She never appreciated you, she never understood you, and you know it. Yes, I was wrong to do what I did. But do you honestly believe for one second that if she was still alive, you'd be happy? After the little reunion glow faded, you'd go back to cutting her out of your life just like you always had." Nina said angrily.
Jack's grip tightened.
"I did not cut her out of my life."
"Of course you did. You had to. As deep in as you were, how could you not?"
"Do you have a point?"
"Being honest. You want me to start telling you the truth, I will. You told me that once I was everything you wanted. You want to know why? Because I understood you. Because I'd seen everything you had. Because you let me in like you could never allow yourself to with her. Face it, Jack- she was your attempt to grasp some kind of normalcy. But you have to live and breathe insanity everyday- your life will never be normal."
"So you decided taking her life would solve all my problems?"
"No. That was never part of any plans I made. You should know that."
Jack stepped away from her, disgusted.
"I should have known anything resembling an apology from you was a lie. If you had the chance, you wouldn't go back and change anything. You'd make the exact same decisions all over again." Jack said, a look of realization spreading across his face.
"That's not true." Nina said quietly.
"Yes, it is. You haven't changed. You'll never change." He said, his voice growing in frustration.
"That's not true." Nina said, her voice a little stronger.
"It is true. Look, Nina, you want to be honest? No, I don't really care what happens to you after this. I wish you'd never gotten pregnant. I wish you'd never come back into my life. I wish I'd never met you. You ruined every good thing I ever believed in. You're a despicable woman who uses people to get what she wants, but you don't even know what that is anymore. You have no motives, no friends, and no chance to ever redeem yourself to anyone. You took the happiness you might have had, and threw it away with both hands. You want to know the reason you never really let anyone know you? Because you're afraid that they'll see your weakness and your guilt. You're incapable of loving someone, even your own child, because all you care about is yourself. Our child has done nothing to deserve a mother who's as horrible of a person as you are. I'd rather it be anyone's than yours."
When Jack finished, he realized he hadn't even thought about half the things he'd just said, they'd just poured out of him, trapped by years of repression. He looked at her for some response.
Nina blinked hard, and when she finally looked up at him, Jack saw that she was crying. A single tear slid down one cheek, and her eyes exposed more than if she'd been standing naked before him. She looked vulnerable for the first time in her life, and deeply hurt.
Jack, still on something of an anger high, looked down at her, trying not to let her present state affect him.
"Hurts to hear the truth, doesn't it?" He said harshly.
She continued to let the tears fall, not saying anything.
"Answer me!" Jack demanded, his conscience starting to wear on him as she stood there, crying.
Suddenly, Jack's alarm clock went off in his room. It was seven o'clock.
Jack looked at Nina, who was obstinately looking away from him. He knew this was ridiculous, but he felt awful for losing it like he had. What could that possibly have helped?
"Nina-" He went to touch her arm, force her to look at him.
She looked at him suddenly, her green eyes glassy and fierce.
"Don't…touch…me." She said in a low whisper that was still choked with tears.
"I thought you wanted us to be honest." Jack said.
Without another word, Nina walked away and slammed the door to her room.
~*~
Unabashed honesty would be ideal
But a prophet did once say that honesty is a lonely word
So where do we go from here?
Abandon ship now?
My problem is you make me melt and I don't want to be frozen anymore
~*~
A/N- Please review- sorry for a very angsty chapter, but they are just very angsty people.
Chapter Sixteen will come soon, and maybe I'll even throw in some Kim and Chase to lighten
the mood! See that little review box? Click on it!
Counting the Cost
~*~
Chapter Fifteen
Two Steps Back
~*~
Jack swallowed his pain pills with a glass of water in the kitchen. He had to take them every two hours after leaving the hospital, and couldn't sleep anyway. It was now about six o'clock in the morning, and he had to wake up at seven and go to work and act like his arm hadn't been shot, like he had gotten a full night's rest, and like hadn't been attacked by terrorists last night.
He could hear Nina pacing her room. She wasn't technically supposed to sleep because of the slight concussion she had received, and for once, she was following orders, albeit begrudgingly. The baby was unharmed by the fall, and that was enough for her to do as she was told.
They hadn't really spoken after coming home from the hospital. She had just walked back into the apartment, mumbled goodnight, and gone into her room.
Jack decided she would never stop confusing him. A couple hours ago, she was finally apologizing for everything she had done. And now, the moment had passed and she was back to her old self, closed off and invulnerable.
~*~
Nina sat down on her bed after pacing restlessly for hours. She was tired and her head was throbbing. Her pregnancy stopped from being able to take any pain pills.
She could hear Jack in the next room. Work was going to be really fun for him tomorrow, she thought with a slight grin, imagining a bleary-eyed, stumbling Jack walking into CTU, babbling incoherently.
She put her hands on her stomach, exhaling heavily. The baby was alive and healthy. See, she could be a good mom. True, most mothers didn't have to fend off terrorists for the sake of their child, but she wasn't most mothers.
It was so weird to even think about herself as a mom. She had settled long ago on the fact that that the whole "family life" was never going to happen to her, and she had never really cared.
She looked out the window, fatigue making an icy feeling creep over her skin. She had to get out of here, or she was going to eventually nod off. She heard Jack close a cabinet in the kitchen. Trying not to remember the weakness she had displayed in their last conversation, she got up to open the door.
If anyone could keep her awake, Jack could.
~*~
"Hey." She said nonchalantly, sauntering into the kitchen and sitting on the table.
Jack acknowledged her with a slight nod, going back to his sandwich.
"So…you do realize that you have to get ready for work in a half-hour?" She asked.
"Yeah." Jack sighed.
"Oh, well, if anyone asks, tell them you were with me." She smiled slightly.
"Sure, Tony would love that." Jack couldn't help but smile slightly as well.
"Oh, who cares what Tony thinks? "
"He's the boss."
"That is so bizarre. Every memory I have of him is of this subservient guy with unfortunate facial hair who we just delegated everything to. And then, when I saw him at CTU…I just can't imagine him running the place." Nina shook her head.
"Well, he does fine." Jack shrugged.
"If you say so." She replied, unconvinced.
Nina looked away, redoing her messy bun, and subsequently popping her knuckles.
"I hate when you do that." Jack said, looking up at her, starting to feel his exhaustion melt into irritability.
"Oh, so sorry." Nina said sarcastically, popping away.
"Quit being such a bitch." Jack said under his breath.
Nina looked at him with narrowed eyes.
"Excuse me?"
"Nothing." Jack said, looking determinedly at his sandwich.
"You think THIS is me being a bitch?" Nina got to her feet, her eyes flashing dangerously.
"Nina, just drop it. I'm sorry, I'm just tired."
"You've never seen half of what I can do to people, Jack. You have no idea." She said, walking up to the table.
"Oh, I think I distinctly remember getting a personal demonstration when you killed my wife." Jack said, standing up, his voice lowering dangerously.
"I was doing you a favor." Nina said, smiling cruelly.
Jack had never wanted to hit someone so badly in his entire life. He grabbed her upper arm with a grip rivaling a vice, his teeth gritted tightly, trying to think of something to say that would match his anger. Nina didn't even blink, meeting his eyes steadily.
"Come on, Jack. Some part of you knows that, deep down, you went back to her because you felt obligated. She never realized what she had. Kim hated her for how she treated you. You told me that. She never appreciated you, she never understood you, and you know it. Yes, I was wrong to do what I did. But do you honestly believe for one second that if she was still alive, you'd be happy? After the little reunion glow faded, you'd go back to cutting her out of your life just like you always had." Nina said angrily.
Jack's grip tightened.
"I did not cut her out of my life."
"Of course you did. You had to. As deep in as you were, how could you not?"
"Do you have a point?"
"Being honest. You want me to start telling you the truth, I will. You told me that once I was everything you wanted. You want to know why? Because I understood you. Because I'd seen everything you had. Because you let me in like you could never allow yourself to with her. Face it, Jack- she was your attempt to grasp some kind of normalcy. But you have to live and breathe insanity everyday- your life will never be normal."
"So you decided taking her life would solve all my problems?"
"No. That was never part of any plans I made. You should know that."
Jack stepped away from her, disgusted.
"I should have known anything resembling an apology from you was a lie. If you had the chance, you wouldn't go back and change anything. You'd make the exact same decisions all over again." Jack said, a look of realization spreading across his face.
"That's not true." Nina said quietly.
"Yes, it is. You haven't changed. You'll never change." He said, his voice growing in frustration.
"That's not true." Nina said, her voice a little stronger.
"It is true. Look, Nina, you want to be honest? No, I don't really care what happens to you after this. I wish you'd never gotten pregnant. I wish you'd never come back into my life. I wish I'd never met you. You ruined every good thing I ever believed in. You're a despicable woman who uses people to get what she wants, but you don't even know what that is anymore. You have no motives, no friends, and no chance to ever redeem yourself to anyone. You took the happiness you might have had, and threw it away with both hands. You want to know the reason you never really let anyone know you? Because you're afraid that they'll see your weakness and your guilt. You're incapable of loving someone, even your own child, because all you care about is yourself. Our child has done nothing to deserve a mother who's as horrible of a person as you are. I'd rather it be anyone's than yours."
When Jack finished, he realized he hadn't even thought about half the things he'd just said, they'd just poured out of him, trapped by years of repression. He looked at her for some response.
Nina blinked hard, and when she finally looked up at him, Jack saw that she was crying. A single tear slid down one cheek, and her eyes exposed more than if she'd been standing naked before him. She looked vulnerable for the first time in her life, and deeply hurt.
Jack, still on something of an anger high, looked down at her, trying not to let her present state affect him.
"Hurts to hear the truth, doesn't it?" He said harshly.
She continued to let the tears fall, not saying anything.
"Answer me!" Jack demanded, his conscience starting to wear on him as she stood there, crying.
Suddenly, Jack's alarm clock went off in his room. It was seven o'clock.
Jack looked at Nina, who was obstinately looking away from him. He knew this was ridiculous, but he felt awful for losing it like he had. What could that possibly have helped?
"Nina-" He went to touch her arm, force her to look at him.
She looked at him suddenly, her green eyes glassy and fierce.
"Don't…touch…me." She said in a low whisper that was still choked with tears.
"I thought you wanted us to be honest." Jack said.
Without another word, Nina walked away and slammed the door to her room.
~*~
Unabashed honesty would be ideal
But a prophet did once say that honesty is a lonely word
So where do we go from here?
Abandon ship now?
My problem is you make me melt and I don't want to be frozen anymore
~*~
A/N- Please review- sorry for a very angsty chapter, but they are just very angsty people.
Chapter Sixteen will come soon, and maybe I'll even throw in some Kim and Chase to lighten
the mood! See that little review box? Click on it!
