Author: DJRocky99

Description: I'm a sarcastic, cynical, occasionally humorous person who enjoys making fun of other things. Moulin Rouge was good, but not good enough to escape my wrath…

Disclaimer: Sadly, still not my characters. If they were, you'd know it, hehe.

Chapter Three: The Sudden Obsession

Reviewers: * waves * Hello everyone! Thanks for stopping by and leaving me some love. It makes my day, truly. And as we're all well aware…my well-being is the issue at hand here!

Rewind: When we last left Christian, he was preparing to drown his sorrows in a glass of green stuff suspiciously resembling aftershave. However, little did he know…an unexpected visitor was just about to make her grand debut in the film.

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[Green Fairy]: I'm Kylie ::hiccup:: Minogue!

[Djrocky99]: Christian looked up at the miniature international pop-sensation that was hovering directly above him.

[Christian, whispering urgently]: You're the Green Fairy!

[Green Fairy, slurring]: No, silly! I'm Kylie Minogue. And you're Ewan McGregor. And Sister Short-stuff over there is John Leguizamo, down on his knees. Mmm, just the way I like him…Woohoo!

[Djrocky99]: Christian (Ewan?) could hardly believe that Kylie had actually downed an entire bottle of after-shave. Baz had told her before that there was no such thing as absinthe; but did she listen? It appeared not. And now, not only was Christian's hair appointment in jeopardy…the whole movie had gone considerably downhill.

And so, asserting the leadership skills that had earned him countless cameos, and even some lead roles in some lame, low-budget movies, Christian did the one thing he could think of:

He flicked the little green nuisance out of the window…

SPLAT!

…Christian peeled the mangled green body off of the window, opened it, and placed it gently on the windowsill, in what appeared to be a gentle bed of twigs and threads. Realizing that the gentle bed of twigs and threads was actually a vulture's nest, he quickly slammed down the window and drew the curtains shut.

[Christian, playing it cool]: Well that was close.

[Toulouse, arrogantly]: Oh smooth move, Christian. Now who's going to sing with us?

[Christian]: Hey, I've just remembered…aren't you supposed to have a lisp or some speech impediment or something, Toulouse? I think it said somewhere in the script that you're supposed to talk like your dentures aren't in properl—

[Toulouse, nervously]: Another shot, Christian?

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[Djrocky99]: And so, after some time…which was spent either drinking, vomiting, or awkwardly playing "Truth or Dare"…it was decided that Christian would dress in the Narcoleptic's finest attire, and attempt to avoid Zidler at all costs. Instead, the plan was to get Satine (the "Diamond in the Rough") alone. Once that happened, he would convince her that he could write the show of the Moulin Rouge. This was supposed to be accomplished by reading poetry. The only logical explanation for why they agreed on this whole poetry thing, of course, was because they were all piss-faced drunk; and poetry always sounds like a good idea when you're piss-faced drunk. I guess.

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[Christian, narrating]: And so, we were off to the Mou—

[Djrocky99]: Forgive me if I'm out-of-line, but I'm the author and you're not. Therefore, I get to narrate. So SCRAM!

[Christian, cowering behind one Bohemian or another]: Yes ma'am.

[Djrocky99]: Yeah, that's what I thought. So anyways, they went off to the Moulin Rouge in hopes of avoiding Harry Zidler.

[Infamous Diamond Dogs, singing]: Voulez vous coucher avec moi? Ce soir? I'm not much of a looker, but I am still a hooker…I'm not much of a looker, but I am still a hooker!

[Zidler]: When you don't want to do your chores, but you'd like to drop your drawers, just undo the safety latch…trust me, there's no catch! Because you can can-can!

[Diamond Dogs]: Yes you can can-can! Voulez vous coucher avec moi? Ce soir?

[Scary, ed old men clone things]: Here we are now, entertain us! We're really creepy! And contagious!

[Zidler]: Don't feign being dumb, just come and have some fun! We promise not to tell…if you promise us you'll yell! Yes you can can-can!

[Scary, ed old men clone things]: Here we are now, entertain us! We're really creepy! And contagious!

[Christian, shouting over the crowd with a bullhorn]: Because it makes me forget about my disturbed childhood! And my father! Who was actually the cause of my disturbed childhood! In a way!

[Crowd]: Shut up!

[Djrocky99]: Christian sheepishly clambored down from the table he was standing on and sat down. The song continued on, perfectly fine, without him.

[Crowd]: Because we can, can, can, yes, because we can can can can can can can-can!

[Djrocky99]: And just as suddenly as it began, the song ended. The Bohemians scoped out an appropriately lighted table in the corner of the hall. They decided it'd be safer to sit where they could keep their hands where everyone else could see them.

[Toulouse]: Mission accomplished! We completely managed to avoid Zidler. And look, here she comes: The Diamond in the Rough, herself.

[Djrocky99]: Dammit, another song already?

[Satine, singing, and perhaps the first person in the movie to sing and sound pretty good]:

The French truly are insane.

And so Baz Luhrman is to blame

For making me act like one.

A kiss on the hand may be quite continental

But I'd rather have an Aussie guy

A kiss may be grand but it won't pay the rent on your humble dump

At least pretend you're not a chump

Men grow cold as girls grow old

And you all lose your charms in the end (not me, of course!)

But with strikingly muscular arms

Us true Aussies don't lose our charms

And I'd rather have an Aussie guy!

[Djrocky99, deadpan]: Yay. Woo. Glad that's done now. Oh no, it looks like there's trouble brewing at the table in the back corner…

[Toulouse, to Christian]: I've managed to set up a meeting between you can Mademoiselle Satine totally alone after her performance.

[Djrocky99]: As it would turn out, Christian was not going to be the only one meeting Satine that night. The Duke Who Shall Not Be Named, a man Zidler had persuaded to pump money into the Moulin Rouge's play, was also destined to have a meeting with Satine after the show.

[Christian]: Totally…alone?!

[Zidler, to the Duke]: Yes, sir Duke Who Shall Not Be Named, totally alone.

[The Duke…blah, blah, blah]: Please, just call me Duke. Or if it's really important, I'll answer to "Lequisha". Don't ask, it's an old stage name.

[Zidler, slightly alarmed]: Okay. That's not weird at all.

[Djrocky99]: Oops. And just when I thought it was over.

[Satine, breaking into song again, even though Madonna is several decades away from being born (spawned?)]:

Cause we are living in a material world

And I am the material girl!

Heath Ledger, Russell Crowe

Talk to me Harry, tell me all about them!

There may be a time when a girl needs a man

[Zidler]: But I'd rather have an Aussie guy

[Satine, spoken]: Oh Harry! I never knew…

[Zidler]: You mean to tell me that it wasn't obvious? I mean, come on! I couldn't be any more- if I tried. The lipstick, the powder all over the face, the sudden obsession with cross-dressers, the flaming red coat! Who was I kidding? There was no need to come out of the closet…apparently everyone but you saw me dancing on the dining room table!

[Satine, giving him a funny look]: Oookay.

[Zidler, shaking his head]: It's so hard to find a quality whore in a little shantytown like this, honestly…

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A/N- Wow. Another freakishly odd chapter, I must admit. Apologies to Heath and Russell; I don't own either of them, but hopefully someday, through the advancements of cloning…never mind. More reviews means more chapters, kids, so you know…get crackin'. ;)