Chapter I
Fred and Actifed set out on a beautiful sunny day, the scenery was lovely and the rain was slashing down about them. Being an aquatic hamster, Actifed was having a whale of a time. (Note on aquatic hamsters: Aquatic hamsters are hamsters with qualities similar to both, whales and hamsters. Their paws are webbed and they have blow holes in the top of their heads. However, like the average land hamster, aquatic hamsters are able to sustain hyperactivity for longer than most other mammals - except small children - and can see in the dark. It has been suggested that the ability to see in the dark comes from what your carrot ratio is, for example, cats and hamsters can see very well in the dark because they are primarily composed of carrots, however, radiators and other household appliances have very poor night vision because they are less than 1% carrot. This theory also explains why most cats do not eat vegetables: to them it is practically cannibalism. The curious thing is that hamsters do eat vegetables, but, despite the high carrot pecentage in cats, they do not generally eat cats - in fact it is often the reverse. Still, the truly ironic thing about the theory is that carrots themselves cannot see in the dark as they have no eyes)
They crossed a small river, the water was swirling around Fred's neck and it had got into his boots as well. When the two reached the other side they rested for a while and Actifed shook himself down. Suddenly, Actifed froze. A shadow fell across him.
"I'm terribly sorry old chap, I appear to have been most careless and let my shadow fall across you, not bruised are you dear boy? No? Good, I... Oh how dreadfully rude of me, ignoring your fellow friend like that, I think it's time I introduced myself, I'm Legolas."
Fred and Actifed looked at each other and then slowly turned to face Legolas, a bewildered expression on their faces.
"Yes... Well... I don't suppose you chaps have seen a short gentleman who has no dress sense, or a somewhat taller gentleman who needs to wash his hair? They're called Gimli and Aragorn, don't you know. Very prestigious chaps, like me, I'm an elvish prince. Anyhow, we were tracking a band of Uruki across the plains - they'd pinched a couple of friends of ours you see - and I lost them, tragic what, jolly annoying to."
Fred shook his head.
"Oh well, in that case dear boy, I don't suppose you know where these damn Uruks were headed do you, you being one yourself and all?
Again, Fred shook his head.
"Oh dear, what a terrible shame, thanks anywhy you chaps... Oh, by the way, if you're ever in Mirkwood and you fancy a spot of luncheon, just pop into my abode, here's the jolly old address."
Legolas handed Fred a small card and before Fred could explain that he couldn't read, Legolas bade them another lengthy fair well before departing on his way.
Fred and Actifed got up and journeyed on a little further. Before long, they came to a cliff face. The companions were wondering what to do when they heard a chip-chip chip-clang Ow noise, followed by a volley of extremely unpleasant language. Keen to investigate the source of the noise, Fred and Actfed turned north along the wall. After a few moments walking, they turned a corner and discovered a stocky gentleman who had a mallet in his left hand and who was sucking the thumb of his right. Fred coughed to attract the persons attention.
"Top o' de mornin to ya. What's ya names? No let me guess, it's O'Connel and O'Neill isn't it - or maybe it's t'other way 'round."
For the second time that day, Fred and Actifed had bewildered expressions on their faces.
"I say," exclaimed the stocky gentleman "I don't tink I've introduced myself have I. My names Gimli, son of Gloin son of Daniel O'Donnel. I come from a big mountain where we mine mine potatoes and other useful minerals. Ah sure t'is all right but we keep on havin' to attack these Orc things. Anyway, I suppose you'll be wantin' to know what on earth I'm a-doin'. I'm carving 'Gimli woz 'ere' on this chunk o' boulder. By the way, y' haven't by any chance seen a man who needs to wash his hair, or an elvish prince? The blokes called Aragorn, he's meant to be king o' some big city down south, but someone cocked up the administration side o' tings and now the poor lad's just a ranger who needs to wash his hair - a sure t'is a terrible shame. The prince well, he's just a upper class eejit who dinks wine instead o' good Irish Tea, the boy dosen't even drink Guiness. Oh t'will be a shame if y'avent seen 'em. Anyway, must toddle on, top o' de mornin' to ya.
And with that the Dwarf left whistling ShamRock to himself. Actifed and Fred looked at each other again and then pushed on along the cliff face. Then they came to a sudden drop. In the distance the companions could see the Anduin river. Then, something else caught their eye: a man with greasy hair running due south.
"Wee. I'm schitzophrenic, I'm schitzophrenic. Ha ha. I love you Mrs Yoghurt, I want to hold you in my arms."
There was a dull thud as the amn ran into a tree. Fred and Actifed quickly descended the drop to see if the man was all right. They stood over him, he had concussion. His eyes slowly opened.
"Who are you?" He said. Fred explained that he was Fred the Uruk and that his furry friend was called Actifed. The man considered this for a moment.
"I love you Actifed, I want to hold you in my arms, Actifed."
Fred and Actifed were gone, heading north along the Anduin river.
Fred and Actifed set out on a beautiful sunny day, the scenery was lovely and the rain was slashing down about them. Being an aquatic hamster, Actifed was having a whale of a time. (Note on aquatic hamsters: Aquatic hamsters are hamsters with qualities similar to both, whales and hamsters. Their paws are webbed and they have blow holes in the top of their heads. However, like the average land hamster, aquatic hamsters are able to sustain hyperactivity for longer than most other mammals - except small children - and can see in the dark. It has been suggested that the ability to see in the dark comes from what your carrot ratio is, for example, cats and hamsters can see very well in the dark because they are primarily composed of carrots, however, radiators and other household appliances have very poor night vision because they are less than 1% carrot. This theory also explains why most cats do not eat vegetables: to them it is practically cannibalism. The curious thing is that hamsters do eat vegetables, but, despite the high carrot pecentage in cats, they do not generally eat cats - in fact it is often the reverse. Still, the truly ironic thing about the theory is that carrots themselves cannot see in the dark as they have no eyes)
They crossed a small river, the water was swirling around Fred's neck and it had got into his boots as well. When the two reached the other side they rested for a while and Actifed shook himself down. Suddenly, Actifed froze. A shadow fell across him.
"I'm terribly sorry old chap, I appear to have been most careless and let my shadow fall across you, not bruised are you dear boy? No? Good, I... Oh how dreadfully rude of me, ignoring your fellow friend like that, I think it's time I introduced myself, I'm Legolas."
Fred and Actifed looked at each other and then slowly turned to face Legolas, a bewildered expression on their faces.
"Yes... Well... I don't suppose you chaps have seen a short gentleman who has no dress sense, or a somewhat taller gentleman who needs to wash his hair? They're called Gimli and Aragorn, don't you know. Very prestigious chaps, like me, I'm an elvish prince. Anyhow, we were tracking a band of Uruki across the plains - they'd pinched a couple of friends of ours you see - and I lost them, tragic what, jolly annoying to."
Fred shook his head.
"Oh well, in that case dear boy, I don't suppose you know where these damn Uruks were headed do you, you being one yourself and all?
Again, Fred shook his head.
"Oh dear, what a terrible shame, thanks anywhy you chaps... Oh, by the way, if you're ever in Mirkwood and you fancy a spot of luncheon, just pop into my abode, here's the jolly old address."
Legolas handed Fred a small card and before Fred could explain that he couldn't read, Legolas bade them another lengthy fair well before departing on his way.
Fred and Actifed got up and journeyed on a little further. Before long, they came to a cliff face. The companions were wondering what to do when they heard a chip-chip chip-clang Ow noise, followed by a volley of extremely unpleasant language. Keen to investigate the source of the noise, Fred and Actfed turned north along the wall. After a few moments walking, they turned a corner and discovered a stocky gentleman who had a mallet in his left hand and who was sucking the thumb of his right. Fred coughed to attract the persons attention.
"Top o' de mornin to ya. What's ya names? No let me guess, it's O'Connel and O'Neill isn't it - or maybe it's t'other way 'round."
For the second time that day, Fred and Actifed had bewildered expressions on their faces.
"I say," exclaimed the stocky gentleman "I don't tink I've introduced myself have I. My names Gimli, son of Gloin son of Daniel O'Donnel. I come from a big mountain where we mine mine potatoes and other useful minerals. Ah sure t'is all right but we keep on havin' to attack these Orc things. Anyway, I suppose you'll be wantin' to know what on earth I'm a-doin'. I'm carving 'Gimli woz 'ere' on this chunk o' boulder. By the way, y' haven't by any chance seen a man who needs to wash his hair, or an elvish prince? The blokes called Aragorn, he's meant to be king o' some big city down south, but someone cocked up the administration side o' tings and now the poor lad's just a ranger who needs to wash his hair - a sure t'is a terrible shame. The prince well, he's just a upper class eejit who dinks wine instead o' good Irish Tea, the boy dosen't even drink Guiness. Oh t'will be a shame if y'avent seen 'em. Anyway, must toddle on, top o' de mornin' to ya.
And with that the Dwarf left whistling ShamRock to himself. Actifed and Fred looked at each other again and then pushed on along the cliff face. Then they came to a sudden drop. In the distance the companions could see the Anduin river. Then, something else caught their eye: a man with greasy hair running due south.
"Wee. I'm schitzophrenic, I'm schitzophrenic. Ha ha. I love you Mrs Yoghurt, I want to hold you in my arms."
There was a dull thud as the amn ran into a tree. Fred and Actifed quickly descended the drop to see if the man was all right. They stood over him, he had concussion. His eyes slowly opened.
"Who are you?" He said. Fred explained that he was Fred the Uruk and that his furry friend was called Actifed. The man considered this for a moment.
"I love you Actifed, I want to hold you in my arms, Actifed."
Fred and Actifed were gone, heading north along the Anduin river.
