Chapter II

Beyond them loomed Mirkwood. It had been a week since they had been kicked out from Lorien. It had not been a pleasant experience, it had started when Fred had called Galadriel a slut and they had finally been evicted when Actifed ate a strand of Celeborn's hair, quite by mistake, while Celeborn slept.

Fred called a halt and Actifed climed down of his head where he sat if he couldn't keep up with Fred (which was quite often.) They were both hungry. Unlike the previous guests of Galadriel, Fred and Actfed had not been given any parting presents, except for a clip round the ear for Fred and a hair clip Actifed found blocking his blow hole two days after they left. Fred remembered Legolas and took the card he had given them out from behind his ear. He still couldn't read the strange inscriptions of the card. He and Actfed sat staring at the card for several minutes before Fred stood up, scooped up Actfed and placed him in his position of honour atop his head and set off. They were going to chance the shifting paths of Mirkwood in order to find food.

The first obstacle was crossing the Anduin river, but that was easily solved. Fred sat on Actifed's back while the little hamster swam swiftly across.

It was evening when the companions reached the line of the trees. Fred paused: he was unsure of whether he wanted to risk the woods at night or if he would prefer to sleep for a while first. Actifed's tummy grumbled and Fred plunged into the trees desperate to find food for his furry friend. After a few more hours journeying, Fred saw lights in the distance, lights and singing. He broke into a run. Actifed fell of his head. His little paws dug into Fred's skull, but the tiny being failed to hang on. Fred felt Actifed slide of. He turned to see him, but there was nothing there. Despairing and disappointed he collapsed to his knees and let out a long wail. He cried and he cried. He lamented for the loss of his last hamster.

After a while he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned to see a beautiful elf-woman.

"Hi sugar, What's up."

Fred tearfully explained that his aquatic hamster had escaped.

"Tell me all about it honey."

So Fred explained all that had befallen him since leaving Isenguard. He got to the bit about Legolas when the girl exclaimed

"I'm Legolas' girlfriend, I'm Marilyn Monroe. Did my baby tell you about me sugar?"

Fred told her that Legolas had not mentioned his girlfriend, but he had given him and his aquatic hamster and invitation to luncheon.

"Sorry, honey, Luncheon's over, tell you what though, sugar, it's nearly time for breakfast. Why don't you come and have breakfast with me while some of my friends look for you little pal. What do you say sugar."

Fred agreed, but he was a trifle confused as to why Marilyn Monroe insisted on calling him by various food products and not by his real name. I would, he decided, be a problem to meditate over when he retired.

Breakfast was good, and Fred grew to understand why Elves always sang while eating. The reason being that elves are particularly fond of a good vintage wine, barrels of which would be drunk during a single meal. Fred enjoyed the company of the drunk elves a lot more than the solemn sombre elves of Lorien. During the meal, he and a number of other elves decided to play Risk. Risk is a very dull game normally, however, when all the competitors are blasted out of their whit's, the game becomes very interesting indeed. For a start, the players can sometimes be seeing double, on this occasion, one participant could see triple, therefore, whenever you move an army, you are never really sure whose army your moving, how many armies your moving or where your moving the armies to. The game was made even harder because, the players used squirrels instead of pieces. This caused seveChapter III

Beyond them loomed Mirkwood. It had been a week since they had been kicked out from Lorien. It had not been a pleasant experience, it had started when Fred had called Galadriel a slut and they had finally been evicted when Actifed ate a strand of Celeborn's hair, quite by mistake, while Celeborn slept.

Fred called a halt and Actifed climed down of his head where he sat if he couldn't keep up with Fred (which was quite often.) They were both hungry. Unlike the previous guests of Galadriel, Fred and Actfed had not been given any parting presents, except for a clip round the ear for Fred and a hair clip Actifed found blocking his blow hole two days after they left. Fred remembered Legolas and took the card he had given them out from behind his ear. He still couldn't read the strange inscriptions of the card. He and Actfed sat staring at the card for several minutes before Fred stood up, scooped up Actfed and placed him in his position of honour atop his head and set off. They were going to chance the shifting paths of Mirkwood in order to find food.

The first obstacle was crossing the Anduin river, but that was easily solved. Fred sat on Actifed's back while the little hamster swam swiftly across.

It was evening when the companions reached the line of the trees. Fred paused: he was unsure of whether he wanted to risk the woods at night or if he would prefer to sleep for a while first. Actifed's tummy grumbled and Fred plunged into the trees desperate to find food for his furry friend. After a few more hours journeying, Fred saw lights in the distance, lights and singing. He broke into a run. Actifed fell of his head. His little paws dug into Fred's skull, but the tiny being failed to hang on. Fred felt Actifed slide of. He turned to see him, but there was nothing there. Despairing and disappointed he collapsed to his knees and let out a long wail. He cried and he cried. He lamented for the loss of his last hamster.

After a while he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned to see a beautiful elf-woman.

"Hi sugar, What's up."

Fred tearfully explained that his aquatic hamster had escaped.

"Tell me all about it honey."

So Fred explained all that had befallen him since leaving Isenguard. He got to the bit about Legolas when the girl exclaimed

"I'm Legolas' girlfriend, I'm Marilyn Monroe. Did my baby tell you about me sugar?"

Fred told her that Legolas had not mentioned his girlfriend, but he had given him and his aquatic hamster and invitation to luncheon.

"Sorry, honey, Luncheon's over, tell you what though, sugar, it's nearly time for breakfast. Why don't you come and have breakfast with me while some of my friends look for you little pal. What do you say sugar."

Fred agreed, but he was a trifle confused as to why Marilyn Monroe insisted on calling him by various food products and not by his real name. I would, he decided, be a problem to meditate over when he retired.

Breakfast was good, and Fred grew to understand why Elves always sang while eating. The reason being that elves are particularly fond of a good vintage wine, barrels of which would be drunk during a single meal. Fred enjoyed the company of the drunk elves a lot more than the solemn sombre elves of Lorien. During the meal, he and a number of other elves decided to play Risk. Risk is a very dull game normally, however, when all the competitors are blasted out of their whit's, the game becomes very interesting indeed. For a start, the players can sometimes be seeing double, on this occasion, one participant could see triple, therefore, whenever you move an army, you are never really sure whose army your moving, how many armies your moving or where your moving the armies to. The game was made even harder because, the players used squirrels instead of pieces. This caused several major problems, catching the squirrels in the first place, painting them the player's chosen colour, moving several armies (or squirrels) at once and stopping the squirrels from crossing territory borders independently. It was, however, during the game that Fred saw a familiar figure. Actifed. He pointed out to an elf called Monopoly that Actifed was not a squirrel and that further more, Actifed was his aquatic hamster.

"Jus look will you." stammered the elf "That's my only army left on the board, admitititadely, it's tail' a bit short, but it's still mine."

The elf poked his finger at Actifed who looked at it for a brief second and then sank his jaws into the unfortunate elf's finger.

"Hi honey, I see you got your friend back. He's an adorable little thing, aren't you sugar?"

Actifed nodded and let go of the finger he had been clinging on to.

The pair enjoyed many days in Mirkwood, they enjoyed Monroe's company, they enjoyed the food and the drink, the singing and the games. But one morning, both Fred and Actifed woke up with a hang over. After drinking vast amounts of coffee (which Actifed insisted on swimming in) the pair bid farewell their new found friends. Fred kissed Marilyn Monroe on the cheek and Actifed bit Monopoly on the nose. Then they set off, once again, this time heading west, on a path which led to the Misty Mountains. They journeyed in silence. The Actifed said, "Well the stupid elf deserved it."