Part 2: Dear Diary

Dear Diary: Dorkus is, like, the worst roommate EVER! Yesterday I was wearing this killer outfit that I'd killed three whole clerks for and when I showed it off to her, she makes this weird remark comparing my vamp-on- the-go look to lollipops and snails. I don't even know what that means! I think she might be more than just eccentric.

Dear Diary: How did Spike stand this? Why did Spike stand this? I don't understand how he could have loved her, it isn't like Dru provides a nurturing, supportive environment, unless . . . it was a spell!!! That's it! Her mind's so twisty, she can twist other people's minds too if she tries hard. Poor Blondie Bear, tricked into thinking he loved a loon for like, lots of years, when his real love is me! I know Spike truly loves me 'cause he never actually told me to leave – very often – and whenever I saw him I got this all-over tingly need to be super super nice to him. If that's not love, then I don't know what is.

Dear Diary: Being dead is so blowful, so sucky. I can't even see myself in the mirror and I tried 7 times this evening! I have to wait for everybody else to tell me how good I look and they're so slow! Don't even ask about Dorkus, I finally learned not to go there for opinions about . . . well, anything. My hair does not look like spiders are spinning shrouds for worms!

Dear Diary: Oh. My. God. This has been the worst night of my death! The first thing this evening, before I even had a chance to snack on someone, Miss Queen of the Damned sent me out with a bagful of money to bribe Mexico City's main crime lord guy. Apparently Spike did this all the time and now I'm supposed be talky guy. But she sends me out there with an address that's all in a foreign language and I got turned around and it's not my fault I accidentally gave all the money to the crime lord guy's biggest rival! It wasn't like I knew I was talking to the rival guy when I offered Dorkus and me feeding on the rival's flunkies – I was trying to sweeten the deal! Now there's like this major war going on in the underworld and Dru and I had to run on the lam.

Dear Diary: Well, Dru hasn't spoken to me (that's a blessing!) since we went into hiding in some creepy old monastery with a bunch of freaky monk friends of hers. I'm not sure about these monks, I don't think real Episcopalians sacrifice this many goats.