Chapter 12
"Go straight and then turn right at the first corner and keep on going until you get to a huge red house. You can't miss it. Granger's apartment is right across that house." Harry looked up from the map and directions Hermione had sent him to see Draco Malfoy leaning against the side of a brick building. Harry had just apparated to an alley next that building, as per Hermione's instructions, and was preparing to follow the rest of her directions.
"Uh... thanks, Malfoy." Harry said, unsure about how to react to the unexpected presence of and help from his former school nemesis. He nodded to Draco and started to walk away. Better not start things on the wrong foot by questioning why Malfoy is here.
"Potter." Draco said to Harry's retreating back.
Harry turned to face him. "Yes?"
"Be gentle. Granger's tough, but she gets hurt easily." Draco said softly, looking straight ahead, his face impassive.
"Or what, Malfoy? You'll curse me to death? Beat me to a pulp?" Harry challenged, affronted that Malfoy would dare tell him to be careful with Hermione. Of course he would be careful. He didn't need a Malfoy to tell him that.
"Spare me the macho posturing, Potter." Draco shook his head and rolled his eyes. "This is not about you or me or which one of us is the better man or wizard. This about Granger and what will make her happy."
"Why are you telling me this? You think I don't know that?" Harry asked.
"Just wanted to make sure that you did. You've been known to be so unbelievably daft in the past, Potter." Draco drawled before walking away.
He knew that Potter was following his exit with confused eyes and he didn't care. He was not going to explain himself to Potter, and he was well aware of his own reasons for waiting for Potter to arrive at his appointed apparition spot and giving that unsolicited advice. He wanted, needed, to formally and concretely step aside for Potter to re-enter Hermione's life. He needed the illusion that this was his choice. That the reason why Potter and Hermione would finally live happily ever after was because he, Draco Malfoy, had fought the urge to grab Hermione and run as far away from Potter as possible, and stepped aside. Perhaps he was lying when he told Potter that it was not about macho posturing. Perhaps it was just all about his own conceit and need to be in control. Perhaps this show of generosity and maturity was nothing more than that -- a show. Because deep down inside, Draco knew that he had lost. Again. To Potter. And this time, he lost not because Potter was a better man, a better wizard, and a better Seeker than he was. He lost because Hermione's happiness meant more to him than winning against Potter.
Sure, Malfoy, keep telling yourself that. Tell yourself that when Hermione tells you what a great guy Potter is, when you watch them walk down the aisle, when you see her grow big with his baby, when -- Oh shut up!
~~~~
Harry followed Draco's instructions and soon found himself ringing Hermione's doorbell with a sweaty hand.
"Harry! I'm so glad you're here!" Hermione exclaimed when she opened the door. She gave him a big hug. "Thank you for being here, Harry."
Harry held her tightly, enjoying the familiar feeling of his face trapped against her bushy hair. "Thank you for letting me be here, Hermione."
Hermione let go of him and led him inside her flat. "I hope you didn't have a hard time finding my place. I tried to make the instructions as clear as I could."
"The instructions were pretty clear, Hermione. Plus, Malfoy helped." Harry said as he looked around her place as he walked behind her.
"Draco?" Hermione suddenly stopped walking, causing Harry to walk right into her back. "You... you saw him?"
"Yeah, he was standing near the building beside the alley, and he gave me instructions just as I was trying to find my way here. Looked to me like he was waiting for me to arrive." Harry said, looking at her confusedly. She seemed so sad all of a sudden.
Then she forced a chuckle and smiled. "That's Draco Malfoy for you. Could never resist showing off his vast knowledge of Muggle London to wizards."
Harry didn't buy that for a minute but he let it slide. He wanted to focus on Hermione instead.
"How have you been, Hermione?" Harry asked when they were finally seated on her couch.
"Been pretty good, Harry. Better, really, since ... you know... you guys have started showing up again." She said, smiling wistfully. "Oh, Harry, I'm so sorry about what I've done. I-"
"No, Hermione. Don't-"
"Harry, let me finish. I need to say this once and for all and then we can move on, ok?"
"OK"
"I was selfish, really selfish and I was so wrapped up in finding my identity and getting over that I didn't even think about just how I hurt you and everyone when I left without any explanation. Dumbledore had tried to tell me that I've been missed and he's been trying to convince me to show myself to you again, but I didn't really believe him, you know. I mean, I honestly had not realised just how much pain I've caused everyone until recently. And I'm sorry for that. I hope someday you will all be able to forgive me. And about that other thing, about ... well... about my feelings for you, Harry. I don't feel that way anymore. Honest. I'm not going to lie and try to be casual about it tell you that it was nothing more than a schoolgirl crush, because it wasn't. I really was so in love with you. At that time, I didn't want anything else but for you to love me back that way... Well maybe I wanted to defeat Voldemort first... but... well when you finally did that, then there was nothing else I wanted more. I tell you, I would have given up my Head Girl badge in exchange for being with you, Harry. That's how much I wanted it."
"Hermione..."
"No, wait, there's more, Harry, I'm not yet done. I also need to tell you two more things. I need to tell you these two things first and then you can ask me your questions, ok?"
"OK, Hermione." Harry knew better than to get in the way of Hermione when she wanted to explain something.
"OK. Well the other I wanted to tell you was that it wasn't your fault that I left. True, when I left, I was so angry at you. I was so... disappointed, you know? I couldn't quite get why you wouldn't, couldn't return my feelings. Then, eventually, I realised that there was no reason why. You just didn't feel the same way about me. It wasn't your fault. It wasn't mine. It was just the way things were. Besides, I never really took the chance with you, you know. I never told you how I felt. Maybe things would have turned out differently if I had been brave enough to tell you, but I'm not going to beat myself up about it. It's just how everything happened. That's all. It took me a while to arrive at that conclusion, took me a while to accept it. You don't ever need to feel like you have to explain to me why you never returned my feelings. And please, don't ever feel bad about that again. People can't force people to love them back. And people can't expect to be loved back just because they love a person. Especially people who are not brave enough to declare their love in the first place. Do you understand what I'm saying?"
"Yes, Hermione."
"Good. Also, I want to tell you is that whatever feelings I had for you then, they're not there anymore. At the Gala, you asked me what now?, remember? And I think what you wanted to know then was what was I expecting from you now that I've confessed my old feelings for you. Well let me answer that more coherently this time, Harry. I was a bit messy that night... What do I expect from you? Nothing, Harry. I am hoping that you want to renew our friendship and get to know each other again. But if you don't want that, then I will understand and know that I brought that on myself for what I did to all of you. I don't expect you to suddenly feel anything for me, or to belatedly realise that you have romantic feelings for me. Because I don't have those feelings anymore for you, Harry. And it's such relief, don't you think?"
Harry observed Hermione as she talked, marvelling at the changes in his old friend. She still looked like the old Hermione, with her bushy brown hair, her expressive brown eyes, the peaches and cream complexion, and the same petite frame. There were hardly any physical changes except for the sharpening of the features that comes with maturity, perhaps due the loss of baby fat that most teenagers have. What changed was how she carried herself, how she moved. As a teenager, Hermione was a bit awkward and self- conscious, unlike the other girls in their year like Lavender Brown or the Patil twins, who had developed female grace early on in Hogwarts. It seemed to Harry that Hermione had finally caught up with the rest of the girls her age, for now she moved and behaved in a way that was very feminine -- but in a subdued and subtle way. There was still that slight stiffness to her movement, a kind of formality to the way she carried herself, but she had certainly developed a casual gracefulness as well. Ginny was right, Hermione is a bit more relaxed now. I was too busy watching her during the Gala that I failed to see the changes in her.
"So, that's all I needed to say, Harry. Do you have any questions?" Hermione said.
Before he could respond, the doorbell rang. Hermione excused herself to see who it was. "Mum! What are you doing here?"
"Hi, honey. Sorry to barge in on you without calling ahead but I was in the area and decided to see if you were home." Katherine said as she kissed Hermione on the cheek. "I hope I'm not interrupting anything."
"No, no, not at all, Mum. And it's completely ok for you to barge in on me. Goodness knows I've been going out my mind with nothing to do since school's out for the summer. Come, come. See who's here." Hermione said excitedly, leading her mother to the living room.
"Harry! Oh my! It's so good to see you!" Katherine rushed to where Harry was and hugged him.
"Hello, Mrs. Granger. It's good to see you, too." Harry smiled.
"Oh, does this mean...?" She turned to Hermione hopefully. "Does this mean that you're friends again?"
Hermione smiled at her mother and then smiled at Harry. "As far as I know, Mum, we're friends again. Harry?"
"Yes, Mrs. Granger. We're friends again." Harry smiled solemnly.
"Oh wonderful! Your dad will be so pleased, Hermione. We both know that you've missed your Hogwarts friends so much, even if you tried to hide it." Katherine said tearfully. She knew about the reasons why Hermione had run away from the Wizarding World and her heart at broken right along with her daughter's. Over the years, she had watched her daughter grow up and get over her young broken heart, and was glad to see that her daughter had learned to be happy again. But she also sensed that Hermione had missed her old friends more than she had expressed.
"Mum, would like to stay for tea? I'm sure Harry won't mind." Hermione offered.
"Are you sure? I don't want to interrupt your reunion." Katherine said.
"I'm sure, Mum. Besides, now that Harry and I are friends again, I'm pretty sure this won't be the last I'll be seeing of him. Right, Harry?" Hermione said.
"Oh for sure, Hermione." Harry said, unbelievably happy at just how comfortable Hermione was with him again.
"Which reminds me, I've brought some of those Russian Tea cookies you and Draco love so much, dear. They're in the car." Katherine said.
At the mention of Draco's name, Hermione's smile waned and her eyes saddened for a bit before she forced a bigger smile and what she hoped was a happy expression on her face. "Thanks, Mum."
Katherine, who, like most mothers, knew how to read their children's moods, asked gently "Honey, is everything OK?"
"Yes, Mum, everything's fine." Hermione said firmly.
Katherine knew a lie when she saw one so she decided to push some more. "OK, honey. Where's Draco, by the way? Is he at his apartment? Why don't you tell him about the Russian Tea Cookies I've brought for him, you know you'll never hear the end of it if you didn't tell him about them right away. That boy's crazy over those cookies."
Hermione's smile faltered again. "He's... uh... I don't think he's home right now, Mum. He's been really busy with work lately... I've hardly seen him these past few days... Why don't you go get the cookies while I make us some tea? Harry, would like to join me in the kitchen?"
She didn't wait for their response. She headed straight for the kitchen. Harry and Katherine shared a brief glance before Katherine sighed and shrugged and went to get the cookies.
Hermione was preparing tea when Harry entered the kitchen. "What's the matter, Hermione?"
"Nothing, Harry. Everything's fine." Hermione responded, reaching for the teapot and cups.
"You know, Hermione, I may not have seen you for seven years, but I still know when you're not telling the truth." Harry said, smiling. It was true. When Hermione was not being honest, she tilted her chin and nose up, as if daring people to contradict her. He saw that familiar look on her face now.
Hermione's shoulders slumped and she bit her lip. "It's no big deal, really, Harry. Don't worry about it. Draco's been acting weird lately, that's all. And... well... I'm not really used to him doing that. But I'll deal with it later. Let's just enjoy the afternoon, ok?"
Harry wanted to push for the truth about what was going on between her and Draco, but their renewed friendship was still too fresh to afford him the right to pry into her life. "OK, Hermione. How's the tea coming along?"
~~~~
During tea, Harry and Hermione talked about their current lives, with Katherine chipping in questions and comments. Harry had told them about his work as an Auror and the renovations he had been doing at 12 Grimmauld Place. Hermione, with her mother proudly providing more detail, told Harry about what she had been up to in the past seven years -- her career as a Professor at LSE and as well as the work she has been doing as a witch. She told him about the recent offer for her to write the latest edition of Hogwarts, A History, which got Harry laughing and teasing her that she was the best person for the job since she had practically memorised the book when they were in school.
Katherine left immediately after tea, saying that she had intruded on their reunion enough and that she had to go back home before Evan started to worry. Hermione invited Harry to stay for dinner and he accepted, both knowing that they had to talk about more things in private.
When they were alone again, Hermione spoke up. "Harry, how's Ron?"
"He's doing fine, Hermione. I'm sure Ginny has filled you in on what's been going on in his life."
"Yes, she has. But I was wondering... do you think he'll ever forgive me?" She asked hesitantly.
"He already has, Hermione. He feels really bad about the things he said to you at the Gala, but you know him. He's got a nasty temper and then he feels too embarassed to apologise after one of his tantrums." Harry explained.
"I know, Harry. Do you think I should contact him? You know, invite him or ask him to meet up?" Hermione asked.
"I've got a better idea, why don't I arrange for the three of us to get together sometime next week? How about Hogsmeade for old time's sake?" Harry suggested.
"Sounds good to me, Harry. Don't forget Ginny. It would be fun if she was there, too." Hermione smiled.
"Yeah, and I will need all the help I can get to hold Ron back if he suddenly flies off the handle again which I'm sure he will." Harry chuckled.
Hermione laughed. "He wouldn't be Ron if he didn't."
They made plans for their next get-together as they prepared their dinner. It was a welcome surprise for the two of them that they had fallen into a comfortable interaction so quickly. It was as if the past seven years had not happened. Hermione had a feeling that the reason for it was because she had alleviated Harry's concerns about her feelings for him, which made him comfortable towards her. As for herself, she meant every word she told Harry, and that if she needed further proof that she was fully over whatever feelings she had for Harry Potter, it was the ease with which she had accepted him back into her life. If she had still been harbouring feelings for him, she would be caught up in hiding her true feelings while desperately expecting to hear his declaration of love that she would be so tense and defensive with him. But she wasn't. She knew that was never going to happen, and more importantly, she was perfectly fine with it.
She looked at Harry and smiled, grateful that she had her friend back, and happy that now, she was sure of her real feelings for him. She could get on with the rest of her life.
She had expected to be relieved at that thought, and a part of her was, but another part of her remembered Draco at the thought of the rest of her life. With the way he had been acting eversince that morning, she doubted he'd want to be a part of her life anymore. He had left so abruptly after breakfast that day, claiming that he just had a major idea about the potion he was working on and that he had to test it. Oh sure, he had showed up a few times after that, mostly on an errand or with a question about one of their experiments, but he had been as impassive, as distant as he had gotten after Harry's letter arrived. Why would he be upset about Harry's letter? He knows I'm over Harry. Right?
Hermione had tried talking to Draco about Harry's visit, she really did. But he kept brushing the matter aside, and then coming up with excuses to leave immediately. It was as if he couldn't stand to be near me for more than a few minutes. Maybe he has changed his mind about the two of us? Maybe he knows how I feel about him and he doesn't feel the same way. Maybe he thinks I'm going to pull the same thing I pulled on Harry years ago and go all mental if he doesn't return my feelings for him.
"Hermione?" Harry looked at her. She had gotten very quiet in the last few minutes and had begun wringing her hands. She looked up at him, startled. "Are you ok, Hermione?"
"Uh... yeah... I'm fine. Sorry, I was just... thinking about work and stuff." She explained weakly.
"Hermione, what's really wrong?" Harry asked firmly. "It's Malfoy, isn't it?"
"I don't know what you're talking about, Harry." Hermione tilted her chin and nose up.
"I'm sure you do, Hermione. Besides, all day, you've gotten that certain sad and panicked look on you face at the mention of Malfoy's name. I've been trained to pay attention to details, Hermione, and that's one detail that was pretty hard to miss. So fess up. What's the matter?" Harry grabbed her shoulders to make sure she had no choice but to look at him.
Hermione's eyes started to water. "It's just... well... Draco's been so weird lately!" She wailed.
"Weird? Has he done anything to you?" Harry asked.
"No! No, not like that! He would never do anything to harm me, Harry. No. It's just that ... I don't know what's wrong with him. He's been so... polite lately... and he calls me Hermione! He never does that... Well he did when we... uh... well never mind about that... I think he's angry at me."
"Why would be angry at you?" Harry asked, telling himself to jump to conclusions just yet. Kind of hard when you have a good feeling what she meant about that other time Malfoy called her by her first name.
"I don't know! I really don't. I think he's upset about you coming over."
"You know what he told me when I saw him this afternoon?" Harry asked.
"No, I thought he only gave you directions."
"Well, basically he told me not to hurt you, and that all that should matter is your happiness." Harry said.
"Why would he say something like that? And to you, of all people?" Hermione asked.
"Maybe he thinks you still have feelings for me." Harry suggested.
"But he knows I don't. I've told him that so many times."
"Hermione, just because you've told him doesn't mean he believed you." Harry said patiently.
"How... how could he think that I was still in love with you... after... we...uh... after everthing that..." Hermione stopped talking and blushed, realising what she almost admitted to Harry. Renewed friends or not, what happened between her and Draco was not something she was ready to talk about with Harry.
"After what?" Harry asked, dreading the response. He didn't have any romantic feelings for Hermione but he that didn't mean he wouldn't be upset at the confirmation that she and Malfoy had something more than friendship.
"Nevermind, Harry." Hermione said. "Maybe I should just deal with it on my own. Thanks for trying to help."
"OK, Hermione." Harry said, relieved that Hermione seemed to have finally composed herself and that he wasn't going to have that confirmation about her and Malfoy today. "Just one more thing though. The best way to answer a question, especially if it involves another person, is to confront that person. I know you're good at figuring things out, Hermione, and that you have that thing you do with lists that helps you organise your thoughts. But sometimes, no matter how many lists you make, you won't find the answer until you confront the person in the centre of your questions."
"What do you mean?"
"It's like this. After the Gala, I had a tonne of questions about what you had said and all that. And I really did obsess about them, and I had wished that I had listened you that time when you wanted to tell me and Ron about the lists you make to figure it things out. I thought having that skill would help me answer the questions. But then I realised that the only way I would really answer my questions was to go and see you. And you know what? One look at you was all I needed to answer all my doubts and my questions about you. And then you re-confirmed the answers with your explanations, and now we can move beyond the past."
"What answers? What questions?"
"I'll focus on the answers as there were to many questions. The first answer is, I hold no grudges about you for leaving seven years ago. Second answer, you are still the Hermione Granger I have loved as a friend all my life -- with improvements as I can see that you've grown more confident and self-assured. Third answer, I want to renew my friendship with you. Fourth answer, I can accept the changes in your life -- including your relationship with Malfoy. Fifth answer, I know you don't have feelings for me anymore and I can see that. And I'm relieved because I don't think I can handle having that kind of ... of power to hurt you again. That's it. That's all I needed to know and I wouldn't have been able to know these things if I had not seen you today." Harry explained.
"I'm glad you did, Harry, I'm so glad you did." Hermione hugged him.
"Now about Malfoy and his weirdness," Harry said when she let go of him. "When I leave tonight, instead of holing up in your room to make a list of theories and plausible answers, why don't you just head on next door and demand that he answers your questions?"
"What if he avoids me again? What if he's not home? What if he doesn't want to talk?" Hermione asked, panicking at the thought of confronting Draco.
Harry laughed. "Are you or are you not Hermione Granger? You know, that same girl who blackmailed Rita Skeeter when we were only 14 years old? The only person who has been able to cuff me upside the head when I was being such a moody git when we were young? The girl who gave Malfoy that amazing slap when we were 13? The same girl who told Voldemort to 'Go stuff it, you ugly son of a bitch' just when he was about to curse said girl to death? Should I go on?"
"Yeah, but historically, I've never been the type to be brave enough to tell the man I love just how I feel about him, remember?" Hermione said, chuckling. It felt good to be reminded of who she was, of what she had been. It was coming to a full circle now. She had to go back to her old self to find the courage to make her new self happy.
"Spare me, Hermione." Harry groaned, laughing. "In a million years, I would probably never get over the fact that you've gone and fallen in love with The Ferret."
"Go straight and then turn right at the first corner and keep on going until you get to a huge red house. You can't miss it. Granger's apartment is right across that house." Harry looked up from the map and directions Hermione had sent him to see Draco Malfoy leaning against the side of a brick building. Harry had just apparated to an alley next that building, as per Hermione's instructions, and was preparing to follow the rest of her directions.
"Uh... thanks, Malfoy." Harry said, unsure about how to react to the unexpected presence of and help from his former school nemesis. He nodded to Draco and started to walk away. Better not start things on the wrong foot by questioning why Malfoy is here.
"Potter." Draco said to Harry's retreating back.
Harry turned to face him. "Yes?"
"Be gentle. Granger's tough, but she gets hurt easily." Draco said softly, looking straight ahead, his face impassive.
"Or what, Malfoy? You'll curse me to death? Beat me to a pulp?" Harry challenged, affronted that Malfoy would dare tell him to be careful with Hermione. Of course he would be careful. He didn't need a Malfoy to tell him that.
"Spare me the macho posturing, Potter." Draco shook his head and rolled his eyes. "This is not about you or me or which one of us is the better man or wizard. This about Granger and what will make her happy."
"Why are you telling me this? You think I don't know that?" Harry asked.
"Just wanted to make sure that you did. You've been known to be so unbelievably daft in the past, Potter." Draco drawled before walking away.
He knew that Potter was following his exit with confused eyes and he didn't care. He was not going to explain himself to Potter, and he was well aware of his own reasons for waiting for Potter to arrive at his appointed apparition spot and giving that unsolicited advice. He wanted, needed, to formally and concretely step aside for Potter to re-enter Hermione's life. He needed the illusion that this was his choice. That the reason why Potter and Hermione would finally live happily ever after was because he, Draco Malfoy, had fought the urge to grab Hermione and run as far away from Potter as possible, and stepped aside. Perhaps he was lying when he told Potter that it was not about macho posturing. Perhaps it was just all about his own conceit and need to be in control. Perhaps this show of generosity and maturity was nothing more than that -- a show. Because deep down inside, Draco knew that he had lost. Again. To Potter. And this time, he lost not because Potter was a better man, a better wizard, and a better Seeker than he was. He lost because Hermione's happiness meant more to him than winning against Potter.
Sure, Malfoy, keep telling yourself that. Tell yourself that when Hermione tells you what a great guy Potter is, when you watch them walk down the aisle, when you see her grow big with his baby, when -- Oh shut up!
~~~~
Harry followed Draco's instructions and soon found himself ringing Hermione's doorbell with a sweaty hand.
"Harry! I'm so glad you're here!" Hermione exclaimed when she opened the door. She gave him a big hug. "Thank you for being here, Harry."
Harry held her tightly, enjoying the familiar feeling of his face trapped against her bushy hair. "Thank you for letting me be here, Hermione."
Hermione let go of him and led him inside her flat. "I hope you didn't have a hard time finding my place. I tried to make the instructions as clear as I could."
"The instructions were pretty clear, Hermione. Plus, Malfoy helped." Harry said as he looked around her place as he walked behind her.
"Draco?" Hermione suddenly stopped walking, causing Harry to walk right into her back. "You... you saw him?"
"Yeah, he was standing near the building beside the alley, and he gave me instructions just as I was trying to find my way here. Looked to me like he was waiting for me to arrive." Harry said, looking at her confusedly. She seemed so sad all of a sudden.
Then she forced a chuckle and smiled. "That's Draco Malfoy for you. Could never resist showing off his vast knowledge of Muggle London to wizards."
Harry didn't buy that for a minute but he let it slide. He wanted to focus on Hermione instead.
"How have you been, Hermione?" Harry asked when they were finally seated on her couch.
"Been pretty good, Harry. Better, really, since ... you know... you guys have started showing up again." She said, smiling wistfully. "Oh, Harry, I'm so sorry about what I've done. I-"
"No, Hermione. Don't-"
"Harry, let me finish. I need to say this once and for all and then we can move on, ok?"
"OK"
"I was selfish, really selfish and I was so wrapped up in finding my identity and getting over that I didn't even think about just how I hurt you and everyone when I left without any explanation. Dumbledore had tried to tell me that I've been missed and he's been trying to convince me to show myself to you again, but I didn't really believe him, you know. I mean, I honestly had not realised just how much pain I've caused everyone until recently. And I'm sorry for that. I hope someday you will all be able to forgive me. And about that other thing, about ... well... about my feelings for you, Harry. I don't feel that way anymore. Honest. I'm not going to lie and try to be casual about it tell you that it was nothing more than a schoolgirl crush, because it wasn't. I really was so in love with you. At that time, I didn't want anything else but for you to love me back that way... Well maybe I wanted to defeat Voldemort first... but... well when you finally did that, then there was nothing else I wanted more. I tell you, I would have given up my Head Girl badge in exchange for being with you, Harry. That's how much I wanted it."
"Hermione..."
"No, wait, there's more, Harry, I'm not yet done. I also need to tell you two more things. I need to tell you these two things first and then you can ask me your questions, ok?"
"OK, Hermione." Harry knew better than to get in the way of Hermione when she wanted to explain something.
"OK. Well the other I wanted to tell you was that it wasn't your fault that I left. True, when I left, I was so angry at you. I was so... disappointed, you know? I couldn't quite get why you wouldn't, couldn't return my feelings. Then, eventually, I realised that there was no reason why. You just didn't feel the same way about me. It wasn't your fault. It wasn't mine. It was just the way things were. Besides, I never really took the chance with you, you know. I never told you how I felt. Maybe things would have turned out differently if I had been brave enough to tell you, but I'm not going to beat myself up about it. It's just how everything happened. That's all. It took me a while to arrive at that conclusion, took me a while to accept it. You don't ever need to feel like you have to explain to me why you never returned my feelings. And please, don't ever feel bad about that again. People can't force people to love them back. And people can't expect to be loved back just because they love a person. Especially people who are not brave enough to declare their love in the first place. Do you understand what I'm saying?"
"Yes, Hermione."
"Good. Also, I want to tell you is that whatever feelings I had for you then, they're not there anymore. At the Gala, you asked me what now?, remember? And I think what you wanted to know then was what was I expecting from you now that I've confessed my old feelings for you. Well let me answer that more coherently this time, Harry. I was a bit messy that night... What do I expect from you? Nothing, Harry. I am hoping that you want to renew our friendship and get to know each other again. But if you don't want that, then I will understand and know that I brought that on myself for what I did to all of you. I don't expect you to suddenly feel anything for me, or to belatedly realise that you have romantic feelings for me. Because I don't have those feelings anymore for you, Harry. And it's such relief, don't you think?"
Harry observed Hermione as she talked, marvelling at the changes in his old friend. She still looked like the old Hermione, with her bushy brown hair, her expressive brown eyes, the peaches and cream complexion, and the same petite frame. There were hardly any physical changes except for the sharpening of the features that comes with maturity, perhaps due the loss of baby fat that most teenagers have. What changed was how she carried herself, how she moved. As a teenager, Hermione was a bit awkward and self- conscious, unlike the other girls in their year like Lavender Brown or the Patil twins, who had developed female grace early on in Hogwarts. It seemed to Harry that Hermione had finally caught up with the rest of the girls her age, for now she moved and behaved in a way that was very feminine -- but in a subdued and subtle way. There was still that slight stiffness to her movement, a kind of formality to the way she carried herself, but she had certainly developed a casual gracefulness as well. Ginny was right, Hermione is a bit more relaxed now. I was too busy watching her during the Gala that I failed to see the changes in her.
"So, that's all I needed to say, Harry. Do you have any questions?" Hermione said.
Before he could respond, the doorbell rang. Hermione excused herself to see who it was. "Mum! What are you doing here?"
"Hi, honey. Sorry to barge in on you without calling ahead but I was in the area and decided to see if you were home." Katherine said as she kissed Hermione on the cheek. "I hope I'm not interrupting anything."
"No, no, not at all, Mum. And it's completely ok for you to barge in on me. Goodness knows I've been going out my mind with nothing to do since school's out for the summer. Come, come. See who's here." Hermione said excitedly, leading her mother to the living room.
"Harry! Oh my! It's so good to see you!" Katherine rushed to where Harry was and hugged him.
"Hello, Mrs. Granger. It's good to see you, too." Harry smiled.
"Oh, does this mean...?" She turned to Hermione hopefully. "Does this mean that you're friends again?"
Hermione smiled at her mother and then smiled at Harry. "As far as I know, Mum, we're friends again. Harry?"
"Yes, Mrs. Granger. We're friends again." Harry smiled solemnly.
"Oh wonderful! Your dad will be so pleased, Hermione. We both know that you've missed your Hogwarts friends so much, even if you tried to hide it." Katherine said tearfully. She knew about the reasons why Hermione had run away from the Wizarding World and her heart at broken right along with her daughter's. Over the years, she had watched her daughter grow up and get over her young broken heart, and was glad to see that her daughter had learned to be happy again. But she also sensed that Hermione had missed her old friends more than she had expressed.
"Mum, would like to stay for tea? I'm sure Harry won't mind." Hermione offered.
"Are you sure? I don't want to interrupt your reunion." Katherine said.
"I'm sure, Mum. Besides, now that Harry and I are friends again, I'm pretty sure this won't be the last I'll be seeing of him. Right, Harry?" Hermione said.
"Oh for sure, Hermione." Harry said, unbelievably happy at just how comfortable Hermione was with him again.
"Which reminds me, I've brought some of those Russian Tea cookies you and Draco love so much, dear. They're in the car." Katherine said.
At the mention of Draco's name, Hermione's smile waned and her eyes saddened for a bit before she forced a bigger smile and what she hoped was a happy expression on her face. "Thanks, Mum."
Katherine, who, like most mothers, knew how to read their children's moods, asked gently "Honey, is everything OK?"
"Yes, Mum, everything's fine." Hermione said firmly.
Katherine knew a lie when she saw one so she decided to push some more. "OK, honey. Where's Draco, by the way? Is he at his apartment? Why don't you tell him about the Russian Tea Cookies I've brought for him, you know you'll never hear the end of it if you didn't tell him about them right away. That boy's crazy over those cookies."
Hermione's smile faltered again. "He's... uh... I don't think he's home right now, Mum. He's been really busy with work lately... I've hardly seen him these past few days... Why don't you go get the cookies while I make us some tea? Harry, would like to join me in the kitchen?"
She didn't wait for their response. She headed straight for the kitchen. Harry and Katherine shared a brief glance before Katherine sighed and shrugged and went to get the cookies.
Hermione was preparing tea when Harry entered the kitchen. "What's the matter, Hermione?"
"Nothing, Harry. Everything's fine." Hermione responded, reaching for the teapot and cups.
"You know, Hermione, I may not have seen you for seven years, but I still know when you're not telling the truth." Harry said, smiling. It was true. When Hermione was not being honest, she tilted her chin and nose up, as if daring people to contradict her. He saw that familiar look on her face now.
Hermione's shoulders slumped and she bit her lip. "It's no big deal, really, Harry. Don't worry about it. Draco's been acting weird lately, that's all. And... well... I'm not really used to him doing that. But I'll deal with it later. Let's just enjoy the afternoon, ok?"
Harry wanted to push for the truth about what was going on between her and Draco, but their renewed friendship was still too fresh to afford him the right to pry into her life. "OK, Hermione. How's the tea coming along?"
~~~~
During tea, Harry and Hermione talked about their current lives, with Katherine chipping in questions and comments. Harry had told them about his work as an Auror and the renovations he had been doing at 12 Grimmauld Place. Hermione, with her mother proudly providing more detail, told Harry about what she had been up to in the past seven years -- her career as a Professor at LSE and as well as the work she has been doing as a witch. She told him about the recent offer for her to write the latest edition of Hogwarts, A History, which got Harry laughing and teasing her that she was the best person for the job since she had practically memorised the book when they were in school.
Katherine left immediately after tea, saying that she had intruded on their reunion enough and that she had to go back home before Evan started to worry. Hermione invited Harry to stay for dinner and he accepted, both knowing that they had to talk about more things in private.
When they were alone again, Hermione spoke up. "Harry, how's Ron?"
"He's doing fine, Hermione. I'm sure Ginny has filled you in on what's been going on in his life."
"Yes, she has. But I was wondering... do you think he'll ever forgive me?" She asked hesitantly.
"He already has, Hermione. He feels really bad about the things he said to you at the Gala, but you know him. He's got a nasty temper and then he feels too embarassed to apologise after one of his tantrums." Harry explained.
"I know, Harry. Do you think I should contact him? You know, invite him or ask him to meet up?" Hermione asked.
"I've got a better idea, why don't I arrange for the three of us to get together sometime next week? How about Hogsmeade for old time's sake?" Harry suggested.
"Sounds good to me, Harry. Don't forget Ginny. It would be fun if she was there, too." Hermione smiled.
"Yeah, and I will need all the help I can get to hold Ron back if he suddenly flies off the handle again which I'm sure he will." Harry chuckled.
Hermione laughed. "He wouldn't be Ron if he didn't."
They made plans for their next get-together as they prepared their dinner. It was a welcome surprise for the two of them that they had fallen into a comfortable interaction so quickly. It was as if the past seven years had not happened. Hermione had a feeling that the reason for it was because she had alleviated Harry's concerns about her feelings for him, which made him comfortable towards her. As for herself, she meant every word she told Harry, and that if she needed further proof that she was fully over whatever feelings she had for Harry Potter, it was the ease with which she had accepted him back into her life. If she had still been harbouring feelings for him, she would be caught up in hiding her true feelings while desperately expecting to hear his declaration of love that she would be so tense and defensive with him. But she wasn't. She knew that was never going to happen, and more importantly, she was perfectly fine with it.
She looked at Harry and smiled, grateful that she had her friend back, and happy that now, she was sure of her real feelings for him. She could get on with the rest of her life.
She had expected to be relieved at that thought, and a part of her was, but another part of her remembered Draco at the thought of the rest of her life. With the way he had been acting eversince that morning, she doubted he'd want to be a part of her life anymore. He had left so abruptly after breakfast that day, claiming that he just had a major idea about the potion he was working on and that he had to test it. Oh sure, he had showed up a few times after that, mostly on an errand or with a question about one of their experiments, but he had been as impassive, as distant as he had gotten after Harry's letter arrived. Why would he be upset about Harry's letter? He knows I'm over Harry. Right?
Hermione had tried talking to Draco about Harry's visit, she really did. But he kept brushing the matter aside, and then coming up with excuses to leave immediately. It was as if he couldn't stand to be near me for more than a few minutes. Maybe he has changed his mind about the two of us? Maybe he knows how I feel about him and he doesn't feel the same way. Maybe he thinks I'm going to pull the same thing I pulled on Harry years ago and go all mental if he doesn't return my feelings for him.
"Hermione?" Harry looked at her. She had gotten very quiet in the last few minutes and had begun wringing her hands. She looked up at him, startled. "Are you ok, Hermione?"
"Uh... yeah... I'm fine. Sorry, I was just... thinking about work and stuff." She explained weakly.
"Hermione, what's really wrong?" Harry asked firmly. "It's Malfoy, isn't it?"
"I don't know what you're talking about, Harry." Hermione tilted her chin and nose up.
"I'm sure you do, Hermione. Besides, all day, you've gotten that certain sad and panicked look on you face at the mention of Malfoy's name. I've been trained to pay attention to details, Hermione, and that's one detail that was pretty hard to miss. So fess up. What's the matter?" Harry grabbed her shoulders to make sure she had no choice but to look at him.
Hermione's eyes started to water. "It's just... well... Draco's been so weird lately!" She wailed.
"Weird? Has he done anything to you?" Harry asked.
"No! No, not like that! He would never do anything to harm me, Harry. No. It's just that ... I don't know what's wrong with him. He's been so... polite lately... and he calls me Hermione! He never does that... Well he did when we... uh... well never mind about that... I think he's angry at me."
"Why would be angry at you?" Harry asked, telling himself to jump to conclusions just yet. Kind of hard when you have a good feeling what she meant about that other time Malfoy called her by her first name.
"I don't know! I really don't. I think he's upset about you coming over."
"You know what he told me when I saw him this afternoon?" Harry asked.
"No, I thought he only gave you directions."
"Well, basically he told me not to hurt you, and that all that should matter is your happiness." Harry said.
"Why would he say something like that? And to you, of all people?" Hermione asked.
"Maybe he thinks you still have feelings for me." Harry suggested.
"But he knows I don't. I've told him that so many times."
"Hermione, just because you've told him doesn't mean he believed you." Harry said patiently.
"How... how could he think that I was still in love with you... after... we...uh... after everthing that..." Hermione stopped talking and blushed, realising what she almost admitted to Harry. Renewed friends or not, what happened between her and Draco was not something she was ready to talk about with Harry.
"After what?" Harry asked, dreading the response. He didn't have any romantic feelings for Hermione but he that didn't mean he wouldn't be upset at the confirmation that she and Malfoy had something more than friendship.
"Nevermind, Harry." Hermione said. "Maybe I should just deal with it on my own. Thanks for trying to help."
"OK, Hermione." Harry said, relieved that Hermione seemed to have finally composed herself and that he wasn't going to have that confirmation about her and Malfoy today. "Just one more thing though. The best way to answer a question, especially if it involves another person, is to confront that person. I know you're good at figuring things out, Hermione, and that you have that thing you do with lists that helps you organise your thoughts. But sometimes, no matter how many lists you make, you won't find the answer until you confront the person in the centre of your questions."
"What do you mean?"
"It's like this. After the Gala, I had a tonne of questions about what you had said and all that. And I really did obsess about them, and I had wished that I had listened you that time when you wanted to tell me and Ron about the lists you make to figure it things out. I thought having that skill would help me answer the questions. But then I realised that the only way I would really answer my questions was to go and see you. And you know what? One look at you was all I needed to answer all my doubts and my questions about you. And then you re-confirmed the answers with your explanations, and now we can move beyond the past."
"What answers? What questions?"
"I'll focus on the answers as there were to many questions. The first answer is, I hold no grudges about you for leaving seven years ago. Second answer, you are still the Hermione Granger I have loved as a friend all my life -- with improvements as I can see that you've grown more confident and self-assured. Third answer, I want to renew my friendship with you. Fourth answer, I can accept the changes in your life -- including your relationship with Malfoy. Fifth answer, I know you don't have feelings for me anymore and I can see that. And I'm relieved because I don't think I can handle having that kind of ... of power to hurt you again. That's it. That's all I needed to know and I wouldn't have been able to know these things if I had not seen you today." Harry explained.
"I'm glad you did, Harry, I'm so glad you did." Hermione hugged him.
"Now about Malfoy and his weirdness," Harry said when she let go of him. "When I leave tonight, instead of holing up in your room to make a list of theories and plausible answers, why don't you just head on next door and demand that he answers your questions?"
"What if he avoids me again? What if he's not home? What if he doesn't want to talk?" Hermione asked, panicking at the thought of confronting Draco.
Harry laughed. "Are you or are you not Hermione Granger? You know, that same girl who blackmailed Rita Skeeter when we were only 14 years old? The only person who has been able to cuff me upside the head when I was being such a moody git when we were young? The girl who gave Malfoy that amazing slap when we were 13? The same girl who told Voldemort to 'Go stuff it, you ugly son of a bitch' just when he was about to curse said girl to death? Should I go on?"
"Yeah, but historically, I've never been the type to be brave enough to tell the man I love just how I feel about him, remember?" Hermione said, chuckling. It felt good to be reminded of who she was, of what she had been. It was coming to a full circle now. She had to go back to her old self to find the courage to make her new self happy.
"Spare me, Hermione." Harry groaned, laughing. "In a million years, I would probably never get over the fact that you've gone and fallen in love with The Ferret."
