Authors Note: Thanks for everyone for your reviews and your suggestions!!! I did take them into consideration and I greatly appreciate any of the advice that you give me! Exintaris: thanks for the advice.  Hopefully you'll like this chapter!

Chapter 7

Monica closed her eyes tightly and thought about everything that Rachel had told her.  The whole conversation with Rachel had really impacted Monica.  It was not until then that reality hit her like a sledgehammer. 

"Fuck." Monica mumbled to herself.  She had messed up so bad, and she felt so horrible for being the cause of Chandler's pain.  As Monica closed her eyes, her mind raced back to that fateful day, of the events that lead her to make the biggest mistake of her life. 

~1999~

Monica sat on the toilet, with a stick in her hands, waiting for the results of a simple little test.  She had wanted this since she was twelve, but now that her dreams could finally come true it scared her.  A beeping sound came from the kitchen and with shaking handing, Monica picked up the egg white stick.  As her eyes gazed upon the stick, tears began to form in her eyes.

Shaking, Monica remembered what her gynecologists had told her years earlier, that she most likely would never become pregnant.  There was something wrong with her uterus, it was crooked and the lining would not be able to support a growing baby.  It killed her inside to know this.  She had always hoped that the doctor was wrong, but she knew deep down that that was not the case.  She would never be blessed with a child, and she would never be able to bless Chandler with a child.

Monica looked at herself in the mirror and placed her hand on her stomach.  Tears slide down her face as she thought about what she could have had with Chandler, if she was fertile.  Her friends at work were having children; people who did not want kids were having them, why couldn't she have a child?  She wanted one so badly.  Chandler had wanted a child, even though he never voiced that he wanted one, Monica knew that he did.  He would have made a great father. 

If the test had proved that she was indeed pregnant, Monica was going to tell him tonight.  She had planned out a perfect meal.  But that was never going to happen. Not now, not ever.

Monica looked out the bathroom window and opened it up, letting the warm afternoon air blow across her face.  Angrily, she took the EPT test and snapped it in half, throwing the two pieces into the Manhattan street below her.  Finally, she let a suppressed sob out.  No one would ever know about her infertility, no one needed to know.  She would find a way to get pregnant, and that would be fine.  If there is will, there is always a way.  Entering her bedroom, Monica slumped down into the corner, and began to hysterically cry.  Creaking behind her caused a startled Monica to twist around suddenly.  "Joey!" Monica gasped, "What are you doing here?" Monica asked guarded, trying to wipe her tears with the back of her hand. It was to no avail, though, because Joey had already seen the salty water glisten on her cheeks.  With his thumb he wiped them away.

"Is something bothering you?" Joey asked in a hushed voice, holding Monica close to his body.  Monica released herself to the warmth and security of Joey's touch.  Tears fell down her cheeks as she nodded.  "What happened?"

Monica backed away, "It's a long story." She whispered. 

Joey embraced Monica and walked her over to the bed.  They both sat down.  "I have time." She could feel his warm breath on her neck. 

Monica shut her eyes.  All that she wanted to be was with Chandler, she was too vulnerable right now; she didn't need this temptation.  All of her former feelings for Joey were resurfacing. "I don't want to talk.  I just want to be held." Monica cried in a hushed voice.

Putting one arm around Monica, Joey pulled her close to his body.  Monica could hear his heart beating faster and faster with every second.  Emotions flooded her and before she could even realize what she was doing, she planted her lips firmly on Joey's. 

Opening her eyes abruptly, Monica reentered present time.  She had spent so many years blocking out that day, it hurt her to remember it.  There were events that happened that she still honestly did not remember.  She never remembered having sex with the Joey; she had buried those thoughts.  The one image that she not want to remember was implanted in her mind in defiantly.  It was the expression on Chandler's face when he saw her with another man.  The expression in his eyes.  That expression of pain and hurt, she would never be able to forget it.  Keeping the truth from him hurt him more then if she would have told him. 

Telling Chandler the truth would have been painful for both Monica and him, but they would have been able to work through it.  She regretted not trusting their relationship enough to tell him.  Instead, she hurt Chandler; instead of giving him love, she gave him piercing pain. 

Monica looked out the window the glowing sun was setting.  The warmth of the summer sun was fading, just like the warmth that she and Chandler had.  Liking her lip, Monica made up her mind.  Grabbing her indigo jean jacket, Monica headed for the door.  Chandler needed to know what happen and Monica needed to tell him.  She needed to get this dark secret off of her chest.  It was confining her, holding her down.  Once she told him what happened, she would just leave.  Give him time to think, give him time to put his life into perspective.  Monica was aware that he did have a daughter now, and he needed to not only think about himself, but his daughter and even his daughter's mother as well.  All that she could do was apologize, for that day five years ago and the argument that she had with him earlier.  She would have to wait and see if he would forgive her.  She hoped and prayed that he would.  Monica needed him around her again.  She needed to be with him, she needed to have someone that loved her.