Chapter 12
Minutes had passed but the envelope still rested in Ross's shaking hand. He stared at the door in disbelief, waiting for Chandler to come back out and grab the letter away from him, saying that it was all a joke. That he never meant to give a letter to Monica. However, Ross knew that that was not going to happen. Chandler had already got in a cab and was heading towards JFK. In a couple of hours, he would be on the plane to California, never to return to New York again. Never was an extremely strong phrase, but Ross knew that it was true. By returning to the city, Ross could see that a part of Chandler's heart was torn up again. His friend had been through so much in the past five years, it just was not fair. To have your first real love cheat on you, your friend betray you, and your wife die all in a matter of years was unbelievable. If Chandler could not find happiness with his sister, Ross hoped that he could find it with someone else. As much as Chandler did not want to admit it, Sadie needed a mother. Ross could even see that during the short time that she and Chandler spent with him and Rachel.
"Ross…" Rachel shouted snapping her fingers in front of Ross's face waking him out of the trance that he was in. "What are we going to do with the letter?" Rachel inquired once Ross's attention was on her.
"Give it to Monica." Ross replied as if Rachel should have already known the answer.
Rachel sighed and slumped down on the couch, "What if it hurts Monica? We can't do that to her."
"I think that Monica would be even more hurt if we kept this letter from her. She would never forgive us. You know that yourself." Ross shot back.
For a moment Rachel just stared at him. In her head she was weighing out the pros and cons to each situation: giving Monica the letter and not giving her the letter. She secretly wished that she could read the letter but she had no intention of breaking the thread of trust that they still had with Chandler. Plus, it was personal letter, probably meant for only Monica and his eyes and if Chandler wanted her to read it, he probably would have showed it to her before he gave it to them. Ross was right; it was not their decision to give the letter to Monica. They would give the letter to Monica and then let her decide if she wants to open it up, or rip it into shreds. "We'll give it to her." Rachel finally sighed, "Just let me take a shower first." Then, she got up and scuffed her way to the bathroom.
As soon as she entered the door, Ross began to thumb the envelope. He wanted to read it so badly. Groaning, he threw the letter down on the coffee table and entered the kitchen. Rachel would be out of the shower soon and then they would go to Monica's.
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Butterflies filled both Ross and Rachel's stomach as they gently knocked on Monica's door. They could hear shuffling inside, but to their dismay Monica did not open the door. Ross took the liberty to knock again, this time louder.
"Go away!" An agitated voice from inside screamed out.
Ross and Rachel looked back at one another. Rachel let out a huge sigh and stomped her foot loudly. Monica was stubborn, and if she was crying, which Rachel knew that she was, there was no way that she was going to answer the door. "Fine, Mon," Rachel shouted, "be like that. But Chandler left you something." Rachel motioned for Ross to slip the letter under the door.
"I slipped it under the door." Ross grunted, wishing that he had been able to see Monica's face when they handed her the letter. The happy couple stood at the door for a moment, hoping that Monica would open it, or just say something to them. Unfortunately, she did not. Finally they left.
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A crying Monica stood silent in her apartment, waiting for Rachel's clunky heals to be down the stairs. When the thuds slowly echoed away, Monica allowed her self to get out of the purple kitchen chair. Gradually she made her way to the door. When she reached it, she bent down and picked up the crisp white envelope. She could feel her heart thudding loudly in her ears and a lump begin to form again in her throat. It felt like hours before Monica let out a quivering breath. As she walked back to the table, a small tear slid down her face. She knew that if Chandler wrote her a letter, it meant that he still cared about her. Deep down inside, he still cared and that hit Monica hard. She didn't care if what was written in there were harsh words, the only thing that mattered was that he took the time to write her a letter.
With trembling hands Monica began to open the package. She gasped when her eyes came across what was inside. The piece of jewelry that she had cherished for five years, the ring that Chandler threw across the room in anger, was in the envelope. Tears cascaded down Monica's cheeks even more rapidly now. Carefully she set aside the ring and unfolded the white sheet of paper enclosed. His handwriting was just as she remembered it. It did not change at all. For a moment she closed her eyes, and then she opened them again. It was a minute before she permitted herself to read the letter:
Monica,
I don't know why I decided to write you this letter. My intentions were to just leave the city and never to return. Never to talk to you again, but as I sit here, I know that I cannot do that. A piece of you is, and always will be with me. You were the person who first showed me what real love was. You opened my eyes and my heart. Those few years that I spent with you were some of the most amazing years of my life. As long as I live I will never forget the love that we shared. I will never forget your smile, your laugh, your face; I will never forget you. It was a long time ago when I gave you a part of my heart, and you still have that part today. Instead of being filled with love, joy, and laughter, it is now filled with pain and sorrow. Until I returned to New York, I had no idea how intense the pain was. Most of the time, I pretended as if it never existed, but the fact is that it will always remain. You tore apart my heart and I don't know if it can ever fully be mended.
When my wife died, she told me that I needed to forgive, that I needed to let my old friends back into my life because life was too short to be filled with hatred. I'm sorry Monica, but I just cannot do it. I don't want to relive heartache, because I know this time, I won't be strong enough to survive.
Enclosed is the ring that I had intended to symbolize our undying love for one another. Now when you look at the right, I just want you to remember all of the good times that we shared. I still do love you and I always will. Even though, I moved away, I never stopped caring about you. I will always care about you. Maybe that is why it hurt so much, because I loved you so much. Goodbye Monica, it is time for you to move on. Forget about me, everything happens for a reason and maybe we just weren't meant to be.
Love Always,
Chandler Bing
For a moment, Monica stood silent as she let every word that Chandler wrote sink it. It was not long before she bang to sob hysterically. It would have been so much easier if he had just wrote to her telling her that he hated her. That he never wanted to be around her, that he was glad that she was out of his life. That would have made it easier to move on. But to know that he still cared about her, that he still loved her, made it unbearable. All that she wanted to was to hold Chandler in her arms. She wanted to be with him.
Monica wiped away her tears. She knew what she had to do. She was going to get his address from Rachel, pack her suitcase, and take the next flight out to California. If she saw him, she would be able to tell her how much she loved him. How she would never hurt him again, how this time it would work. It just had to work. They were soul mates, no matter what anyone else said. In her heart she knew that Chandler Bing was her soul mate, and she would stop at nothing to get him back.
