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Chapter 14
"Chandler," Monica's voice shook as she spoke, "I'm not backing down. I'm not going to go. I love you. Please give me a chance. Let me explain." She stood silently, waiting for him to respond as she fiddled with the bottom of her black shirt.
Chandler's head told him to slam the door in her face and never look back again, but his heart told him to let her inside. "Come in." Chandler responded succumbing to the desires of his heart. He closed the door behind her and led her into the family room. "Sorry for the mess." Chandler stated embarrassed as he picked up stray Barbie dolls that lay haphazardly on the floor.
"Chandler…" Monica whispered grabbing his hand, but like an involuntary reaction he quickly flinched away. "I don't care about the mess." Monica sat down on the dark blue couch. At first Chandler went down to sit next to her, and then he quickly sat on the opposite side. He could hear his heart's rhythmic beating in his head. Monica inched her way over to him and her piercing blue eyes looked straight into his sad cool blue eyes. "Don't be mad at Ross and Rachel, I found your address myself. I had to come out here. I couldn't let you slip away again." Monica solemnly stated.
"If you came here wanting me to confess my love to you, it's not going to happen." Chandler spoke bitterly, but Monica could hear his voice crack. She knew him better than almost anyone; she knew that deep down he still loved her. He stood up and began to pace around the room. Monica followed his lead and stood up as well. When she got up, her eyes gazed upon the top of the entertainment center, where what was obviously a family portrait sat. Not knowing what came over her, Monica reached out for the picture.
Tears flooded her eyes as she spoke. "Is this your wife?"
Chandler snatched the picture out of her hand. He tried to hold back the tears as he looked at that one moment in time. Sadie was sitting in his lap and Adriana had her arms wrapped around his neck. It was right after they discovered Adriana's illness and she was adamant about getting a family picture to capture that moment in time. It was the last family picture that they had taken. "She passed away a few months ago." Was all that Chandler could say. Carefully he placed the picture back in its rightful place.
Although Monica never knew his wife, she felt as if a knife stabbed her own heart when Chandler told her the news. "I'm so sorry." Monica sincerely spoke.
Monica reached out and softly stroked Chandler's arm. This time, he didn't flinch away. "Thanks." He smiled meekly at her.
"Listen, Chandler…" Monica paused for a moment as she cautiously walked back to the couch, "What I said at Rachel's that day, I didn't mean. I was just upset. I had no intention of hurting you, or saying that thing about your daughter. I just got caught up in the moment. I was… I don't know, I can't…"
"I understand." Chandler cut Monica off, "It did mean something. I didn't waste my money." Chandler said so softly Monica barely heard him. Tears began to stream down Chandler's face. He had no idea what he was doing, but he sat right down next to a shaking Monica. His head was yelling at him, telling him that he needed to stop, but he couldn't control what his heart was doing. "I did love you and I'm afraid that I still do." Chandler's voice cracked as he spoke the last line. He was putting himself out again.
A shocked expression came across Monica's face. She was not expecting him to say that. All that she wanted to do was to reach out and give him a huge bear hug, but she restrained herself. "I do too. I always have and always will."
Quickly Chandler got up and bolted over to the other side of the room. Although he wanted more than anything to let Monica back into his life, there was something that was holding him back. "Why?"
"Why what?" Monica asked confused.
"Why did you sleep with Joey?" Chandler spoke slowly and when he closed his eyes, he was brought back to that day. His heart was breaking all over again.
Monica took a deep breath. She knew that this question was coming and this was the reason why she flew out to California. It was time to explain the truth. She had to tell him about the baby. She had to tell him about all of her fears that she had then, she had to divulge everything that she had repressed about the biggest mistake of her life. "I think that you should sit down for this." Monica gently stated. Once Chandler sat down on the couch, Monica explained everything. His ears heard things that were locked away in her memory and unconscious for the longest time. "I never wanted to hurt you, I never wanted to end our relationship." Monica ended through tears.
A wave of love and sympathy came over Chandler as he reached forward and brought Monica into a hug. Monica was shocked, but she did not pull away. She let herself cry in his arms, allowing herself to breath in his musky cologne. "It's ok." Chandler's voice was filled with concern and love, "I'm not going to leave now." Monica's head jerked up and looked into Chandler's eyes. "You do know that we can't rush into anything." Chandler half smiled.
"I know." Monica weakly replied, "I wouldn't want to."
