200+ reviews. For my first story? Whoa. That's... just twisted. In a
good way, of course.
I find that this chapter is duly enhanced if you listen to Smile Empty Soul's 'Silhouettes' whilst reading. Find it at Launch Yahoo! Music Videos, or Kazaa, or whatever.
REVISED ON: April 10, 2004. The apostrophes on the legend were annoying me.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN - - - - - - - - - - - -
Saturday, March 26
Yesterday, I lashed out and injured an (relatively) innocent teenager. Yesterday, I confirmed in the minds of many a moviegoer that I have deep-rooted mental issues. And what, you may ask, brought on this onslaught of violence?
A touch. A not-even embrace. A short, playful, slightly (okay, very) flirtatious gesture that shouldn't have meant anything to me.
I feel like such a cowardly, pathetic, cringing, idiotic, insecure... infant. No, scratch that; I am a cowardly, pathetic, cringing, idiotic, insecure infant. Along with several other adjective and nouns not fit for most ears.
I'm not going to pretend I know why I did what I did, or even that I know the reasons of half the things I do. Sometimes I wake up to my reflection in the mirror and wonder why the blood-coloured eyes that stare back look so cold and impassive, and yet haunted and empty.
Or perhaps my opinion is biased.
Nevertheless, there are times when I myself wonder if there is a separate entity living through my body, and that the real Kai Hiwatari is cowering somewhere in the darkest, deepest regions of my mind.
But if that were true, who would I be?
It's amazingly disconcerting to think that you're not the person you thought you are.
Perhaps I can blame my inexplicable and violent behavior patterns on my upbringing. Being born into a family that, though accepting, was never really loving or open, or even really there, can really screw you over in later life. So can going to school where the teachers themselves rarely attended class, and it was common for the principal to walk right by the graffiti artists spray-painting the front foyer without so much as batting an eye.
Perhaps I can't.
Nature versus nurture, anyone?
Though I doubt my nature is to be a volatile, easily ired, nutcase screwball. What kind of person punches a guy in the gut because the latter came in contact with the former?
Me, apparently.
I wrote on the 17th that I can never grow up because of the walls of cold stone and steel I've erected to shield myself. I wrote that I wanted to be able to reach out and pull myself out of the abyss. Six days later, I denounced emotions and love, declaring them weak.
Yet another piece of evidence that yes, I, Kai Hiwatari, am mentally unstable. But I already knew that.
I'm trying to open up even as I shut myself down. I'm trying to cast away the gloom even as I fall further into the darkness. I'm trying to be myself, when I don't even know who that is.
When Voltaire first came to me on the day of the funeral, he told me that it was a time for new beginnings. A time for change. And I don't think I believed him. Maybe I still don't. But not believing doesn't make the truth any less true, and trying to convince a person of that doesn't falsify it either.
For the first time I can remember, one of my relatives may actually stand a good chance of being right. It's about time I changed. It's about time I've shed the armor. Life is about taking chances, is it not? So what am I doing hiding?
My mind can offer no response. And now my head hurts.
Take chances? In a past life, taking chances meant death. In a past life, not looking over your shoulder meant pain. But I've moved on, haven't I? I'm no longer living in the slums; this is Bakuten, a city where policemen patrol the streets, and where people actually care if a child goes missing in the dark of night.
I've moved on physically, yes. Geographically, definitely. But mentally? Mentally, I think I'm still that little ten-year-old trembling in the relative safety of the side-alleys, waiting for daylight, because to move away from those clinging shadows meant exposing myself to whatever gang member or boogey man that may be waiting for me. Mentally, I'm still in that fortress of ice and stone.
And what is the body without the soul?
My past life has been burned away by the great conflagration that also took my parents' lives. It's about time I acknowledged that.
My past life is nothing but a bad taste in my mouth, a few memories, and a pile of ash.
Father once read me a story during one of those rare moments when life slowed down enough for us to relish each other's presence. What I can remember of it ran something along the lines of this:
'In the farthest North, where howling winds whistle 'round the parched earth, and where all those foolish enough to wander on to the tundra are frozen to death within half a sennight, there lies a rocky spire.
Not a mountain, not a great lump of granite and slate, but a true, tapering obelisk of iced stone that arches in to the sky, its tip lost to the infinite, silvery canopy.
None can claim to have scaled this great behemoth; none can claim to have even ventured far enough in to the North to brush its frozen side.
Yet there are legends.
Legends, passed down through generations for millennia, of a mystical creature that lives atop the chiseled peak.
Legends of a creature so powerful, so majestic, so undeniably invincible... that not even Death can imprison it for long.
And it is said, that though the Phoenix's body may perish time and time again, its spirit will forever rise from the ashes, to be born anew: a never-ending cycle of life and loss, end and beginning, rebirth and demise.'
For some reason, those words have stayed with me after all these years. Perhaps this is why I used to call myself the Phoenix when I belonged to the gang that had dubbed themselves the Street Sharks.
And now, I will take up the title once more.
For I am the Phoenix, and I will rise from my parents' ashes.
I am the Phoenix, and I will break free of the ice.
And, as melodramatic as it sounds, I swear to stand by my promise.
Amen.
Sorry, couldn't resist.
Anyway.
I think I need some fresh air.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
To be Continued
As is evident by the complete lack of goodness in the fairy tale- esque myth about the Phoenix, it is not actually a real legend. I just made it up, so I could forward the story a bit. Whee.
One or two chapters left, my friends.
Criticism is very much appreciated, and a happy (?) Good Friday to ye all.
Kai-Jermin: Just had to get that ranting out of yer system, eh? *laughs* Ah, well, a good bit of frothing-at-the-mouth never did any harm. Twists and turns are something I've always enjoyed reading, so it's only fitting that I would stick a couple in my own writing. What do you mean by 'studding'? The only contact I've ever had with a snake was my friend's garter, and that wasn't exactly dangerous. Oh, well, I'm sure your girlfriend made it all better. *winkwinknudgenudge*
Devlinn Reiko-sama: The things we do for money, eh? Poor Rei. Anyway, thanks for the review, and I'm glad you're enjoying yourself.
Sarcasmcat: Hey, what can I say to that? Thanks!
Midnight Insanity: Eeeeh heh heh. Want a hand there? Excellent, another foreign language phrase I can mangle! Poor Spaniards, they never had a chance. *rubs hands together gleefully* Of course my story feels loved. *pats it*
Lyn/Lin: The computer solves everything. The computer is god. Ish. I have talent? I feel flattered. XD
Phoenix the 1st: I tolerate them, I suppose, but I refuse to read Kai/Rei fluff. It just makes my stomach churn for some reason, I dunno. Do you mean you thought Rei was stupid in the series, or in my story? I'm afraid I didn't see Rei's first appearance, but he lost. To Takao. So maybe I don't want to watch it.
Silverjustice1: *gasps* You're psychic?! *bows down* Please, tell me the secrets of what is to come. Nope. No life. Not yet. Maybe in college, I'll get one. Maybe not. I'm not a good teacher. I volunteered to tutor somebody for Community Service hours, and the poor kid failed his next test. Eeeh heh heh...
Vampyre Neko: Nope, Tala does not stalk Kai. I do not think he feels like sacrificing his health and well-being just yet. Then again, if I were in his shoes, I would be hiding. "OMG!!! MY CRUSH IS PSYCHOPATHIC!!! RUN, FORREST, RUN!!"
Shadows of Grey: Paper, huh? *muses* Well, Kai sorta liked LotR, though the majesticness just pissed him off, I guess. Too much sap and angst. Ivan is the crafty sort of bugger to set up his friends like that, though, don't you think? Yay for Khnum, indeed. XD
Mara202: I planned this all out in French class, so I'm surprised you actually thought it interesting. In my opinion, nothing good ever comes out of French class. Including marks. Continue? Naturally.
Kitsune: I know 'arigato' means thanks, but what's 'gozaimasu'? I envy those that can actually speak another language. Yep, I finally got my 'fake-out' there. Nope, Rei doesn't have a thing for Kai in this fic. Why should he? He's got Bryan! Though I think Kai is better than Bryan, myself.
Yoink Daydurfurits: Nice name. XD Rei's a mercenary kind of guy, isn't he? And a WOOHAW for the reviewers!!
Fire of Phoenix: I know. I'm still in shock about that, myself. oO Yes, cool is a cool word, though supercalifragilisticexpialidocious has a rather nice ring to it. Teachers... are not smart. It's a scam, I tell you: a scam.
DragonBlade: Yep, one or two left. I think. Unless Balcov or Pokemon start coming out of the woodwork. oO
Disengage: I wonder how many contact lenses the Beyblade crew goes through every week. Seriously, purple? That's messed. As messed as Kai's hair colour. Or hair, for that matter. Bryan is broke now, which puts in mind the question of how he's going to take Rei out on a date. Whoops, did I say that out loud? Ignore the previous sentence. XD
Lilmatchgirl: I'll see what I can do. Hopefully this chapter cleared up some of those questions of yours.
Angelgirl10: Me? Make Rei a slut? *laughs nervously* Nope, 'twas all a plan. THE PLAN OF DOOM!!! I'm totally brain-dead right now, so forgive me for not replying seriously to your review. Hm... A side- fic? A sequel, perhaps? We'll see...
Nights Child: Ah, we all have our stupid moments. Mine just tend to be longer and span over a couple decades. Kai has issues, my dear. Deep-seated issues. Some are resolved in this chapter, though.
I find that this chapter is duly enhanced if you listen to Smile Empty Soul's 'Silhouettes' whilst reading. Find it at Launch Yahoo! Music Videos, or Kazaa, or whatever.
REVISED ON: April 10, 2004. The apostrophes on the legend were annoying me.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN - - - - - - - - - - - -
Saturday, March 26
Yesterday, I lashed out and injured an (relatively) innocent teenager. Yesterday, I confirmed in the minds of many a moviegoer that I have deep-rooted mental issues. And what, you may ask, brought on this onslaught of violence?
A touch. A not-even embrace. A short, playful, slightly (okay, very) flirtatious gesture that shouldn't have meant anything to me.
I feel like such a cowardly, pathetic, cringing, idiotic, insecure... infant. No, scratch that; I am a cowardly, pathetic, cringing, idiotic, insecure infant. Along with several other adjective and nouns not fit for most ears.
I'm not going to pretend I know why I did what I did, or even that I know the reasons of half the things I do. Sometimes I wake up to my reflection in the mirror and wonder why the blood-coloured eyes that stare back look so cold and impassive, and yet haunted and empty.
Or perhaps my opinion is biased.
Nevertheless, there are times when I myself wonder if there is a separate entity living through my body, and that the real Kai Hiwatari is cowering somewhere in the darkest, deepest regions of my mind.
But if that were true, who would I be?
It's amazingly disconcerting to think that you're not the person you thought you are.
Perhaps I can blame my inexplicable and violent behavior patterns on my upbringing. Being born into a family that, though accepting, was never really loving or open, or even really there, can really screw you over in later life. So can going to school where the teachers themselves rarely attended class, and it was common for the principal to walk right by the graffiti artists spray-painting the front foyer without so much as batting an eye.
Perhaps I can't.
Nature versus nurture, anyone?
Though I doubt my nature is to be a volatile, easily ired, nutcase screwball. What kind of person punches a guy in the gut because the latter came in contact with the former?
Me, apparently.
I wrote on the 17th that I can never grow up because of the walls of cold stone and steel I've erected to shield myself. I wrote that I wanted to be able to reach out and pull myself out of the abyss. Six days later, I denounced emotions and love, declaring them weak.
Yet another piece of evidence that yes, I, Kai Hiwatari, am mentally unstable. But I already knew that.
I'm trying to open up even as I shut myself down. I'm trying to cast away the gloom even as I fall further into the darkness. I'm trying to be myself, when I don't even know who that is.
When Voltaire first came to me on the day of the funeral, he told me that it was a time for new beginnings. A time for change. And I don't think I believed him. Maybe I still don't. But not believing doesn't make the truth any less true, and trying to convince a person of that doesn't falsify it either.
For the first time I can remember, one of my relatives may actually stand a good chance of being right. It's about time I changed. It's about time I've shed the armor. Life is about taking chances, is it not? So what am I doing hiding?
My mind can offer no response. And now my head hurts.
Take chances? In a past life, taking chances meant death. In a past life, not looking over your shoulder meant pain. But I've moved on, haven't I? I'm no longer living in the slums; this is Bakuten, a city where policemen patrol the streets, and where people actually care if a child goes missing in the dark of night.
I've moved on physically, yes. Geographically, definitely. But mentally? Mentally, I think I'm still that little ten-year-old trembling in the relative safety of the side-alleys, waiting for daylight, because to move away from those clinging shadows meant exposing myself to whatever gang member or boogey man that may be waiting for me. Mentally, I'm still in that fortress of ice and stone.
And what is the body without the soul?
My past life has been burned away by the great conflagration that also took my parents' lives. It's about time I acknowledged that.
My past life is nothing but a bad taste in my mouth, a few memories, and a pile of ash.
Father once read me a story during one of those rare moments when life slowed down enough for us to relish each other's presence. What I can remember of it ran something along the lines of this:
'In the farthest North, where howling winds whistle 'round the parched earth, and where all those foolish enough to wander on to the tundra are frozen to death within half a sennight, there lies a rocky spire.
Not a mountain, not a great lump of granite and slate, but a true, tapering obelisk of iced stone that arches in to the sky, its tip lost to the infinite, silvery canopy.
None can claim to have scaled this great behemoth; none can claim to have even ventured far enough in to the North to brush its frozen side.
Yet there are legends.
Legends, passed down through generations for millennia, of a mystical creature that lives atop the chiseled peak.
Legends of a creature so powerful, so majestic, so undeniably invincible... that not even Death can imprison it for long.
And it is said, that though the Phoenix's body may perish time and time again, its spirit will forever rise from the ashes, to be born anew: a never-ending cycle of life and loss, end and beginning, rebirth and demise.'
For some reason, those words have stayed with me after all these years. Perhaps this is why I used to call myself the Phoenix when I belonged to the gang that had dubbed themselves the Street Sharks.
And now, I will take up the title once more.
For I am the Phoenix, and I will rise from my parents' ashes.
I am the Phoenix, and I will break free of the ice.
And, as melodramatic as it sounds, I swear to stand by my promise.
Amen.
Sorry, couldn't resist.
Anyway.
I think I need some fresh air.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
To be Continued
As is evident by the complete lack of goodness in the fairy tale- esque myth about the Phoenix, it is not actually a real legend. I just made it up, so I could forward the story a bit. Whee.
One or two chapters left, my friends.
Criticism is very much appreciated, and a happy (?) Good Friday to ye all.
Kai-Jermin: Just had to get that ranting out of yer system, eh? *laughs* Ah, well, a good bit of frothing-at-the-mouth never did any harm. Twists and turns are something I've always enjoyed reading, so it's only fitting that I would stick a couple in my own writing. What do you mean by 'studding'? The only contact I've ever had with a snake was my friend's garter, and that wasn't exactly dangerous. Oh, well, I'm sure your girlfriend made it all better. *winkwinknudgenudge*
Devlinn Reiko-sama: The things we do for money, eh? Poor Rei. Anyway, thanks for the review, and I'm glad you're enjoying yourself.
Sarcasmcat: Hey, what can I say to that? Thanks!
Midnight Insanity: Eeeeh heh heh. Want a hand there? Excellent, another foreign language phrase I can mangle! Poor Spaniards, they never had a chance. *rubs hands together gleefully* Of course my story feels loved. *pats it*
Lyn/Lin: The computer solves everything. The computer is god. Ish. I have talent? I feel flattered. XD
Phoenix the 1st: I tolerate them, I suppose, but I refuse to read Kai/Rei fluff. It just makes my stomach churn for some reason, I dunno. Do you mean you thought Rei was stupid in the series, or in my story? I'm afraid I didn't see Rei's first appearance, but he lost. To Takao. So maybe I don't want to watch it.
Silverjustice1: *gasps* You're psychic?! *bows down* Please, tell me the secrets of what is to come. Nope. No life. Not yet. Maybe in college, I'll get one. Maybe not. I'm not a good teacher. I volunteered to tutor somebody for Community Service hours, and the poor kid failed his next test. Eeeh heh heh...
Vampyre Neko: Nope, Tala does not stalk Kai. I do not think he feels like sacrificing his health and well-being just yet. Then again, if I were in his shoes, I would be hiding. "OMG!!! MY CRUSH IS PSYCHOPATHIC!!! RUN, FORREST, RUN!!"
Shadows of Grey: Paper, huh? *muses* Well, Kai sorta liked LotR, though the majesticness just pissed him off, I guess. Too much sap and angst. Ivan is the crafty sort of bugger to set up his friends like that, though, don't you think? Yay for Khnum, indeed. XD
Mara202: I planned this all out in French class, so I'm surprised you actually thought it interesting. In my opinion, nothing good ever comes out of French class. Including marks. Continue? Naturally.
Kitsune: I know 'arigato' means thanks, but what's 'gozaimasu'? I envy those that can actually speak another language. Yep, I finally got my 'fake-out' there. Nope, Rei doesn't have a thing for Kai in this fic. Why should he? He's got Bryan! Though I think Kai is better than Bryan, myself.
Yoink Daydurfurits: Nice name. XD Rei's a mercenary kind of guy, isn't he? And a WOOHAW for the reviewers!!
Fire of Phoenix: I know. I'm still in shock about that, myself. oO Yes, cool is a cool word, though supercalifragilisticexpialidocious has a rather nice ring to it. Teachers... are not smart. It's a scam, I tell you: a scam.
DragonBlade: Yep, one or two left. I think. Unless Balcov or Pokemon start coming out of the woodwork. oO
Disengage: I wonder how many contact lenses the Beyblade crew goes through every week. Seriously, purple? That's messed. As messed as Kai's hair colour. Or hair, for that matter. Bryan is broke now, which puts in mind the question of how he's going to take Rei out on a date. Whoops, did I say that out loud? Ignore the previous sentence. XD
Lilmatchgirl: I'll see what I can do. Hopefully this chapter cleared up some of those questions of yours.
Angelgirl10: Me? Make Rei a slut? *laughs nervously* Nope, 'twas all a plan. THE PLAN OF DOOM!!! I'm totally brain-dead right now, so forgive me for not replying seriously to your review. Hm... A side- fic? A sequel, perhaps? We'll see...
Nights Child: Ah, we all have our stupid moments. Mine just tend to be longer and span over a couple decades. Kai has issues, my dear. Deep-seated issues. Some are resolved in this chapter, though.
