Oh kiddies… I'm baa-aack!!! ~Ack, that didn't sound right. Doesn't help that probably I'm just as old as most of you guys.~ Anyways, for those of you that were actually hoping this would get updated, sorry for taking so long. I considered my other also un-completed fic (Holiday Jollies) to be part of this too, so I took an extra long break. Go read that if you want more stuff. :P
Anyway, I just got this little idea while I was eating at a Chinese resturant…those places are magical! ^_^ Prepare…….for terrible lines and freaky relationships! Wistful-Eyes brings you….
Whose Your Daddy?!?
~Prologue~
The Kenshin-gumi are having an enjoyable day lounging around out on the dojo porch… until Kenshin's super senses pick something up!
"Sessha smells….sessha smells…."
Kaoru: Smells? Don't you mean, sense their chi?
Kenshin: No. Smell!
Kaoru: (T_T) ….
*Kenshin sniffs the air for a while longer, and then a look of complete terror appears on his face*
Kenshin: Oh no….No! Everyone, run-
Sanosuke: Ken-?
*BANG goes the dojo gates and in comes…*
Me: KENSHIN!!!!!!! It's been so long!! (^_^)!!
Kenshin: AIEEEEE!!!!
*tries to run away but Kaoru and Sanosuke grab him*
Kaoru: Oh, hello! It has been a while, hasn't it!
Kenshin: Sano, Kaoru-dono, let sessha GO!!!!!!
Me: ('_';;)?? Kenshin? Why are you acting…afraid of me??
Kenshin: You are the one who threatened to put sessha in a toga, de gozaru! Sessha has a right to be afraid!
Me: (-_-;) ……..True….I did promise that…but Kenshin…. There's something else you should be afraid of….
*leans close to his ear*
Me: Kenshin…..I AM YOUR FATHER!!!!!
Kenshin: (0_0x)!! AAAAAAAAIIIIEEEEEE!!!!!!
Sanosuke: WHAT THE HELL?!
Yahiko: She's snapped!!!
Kaoru: BUT-!!! She's a she!!! (right?!)
Me: I'm sorry….evil…brain storm…taking over chapter….
*collapses and grabs Kenshin's gi*
Me: You all must run! RUN!!!
Kenshin: THAT'S WHAT SESSHA SAID EARLIER, DE GOZARU!!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Sanosuke: Yahiko.
Yahiko: Yeah?
Sanosuke: I'm your father.
Yahiko: ……….
Sanosuke: *stumbles away*
Yahiko: *twitch* He's been drinking…right?
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
*At Mount Hiei (Shishio's headquarters)*
Kenshin: Soujirou…. I do not wish to fight, that I do not.
Soujirou: (^_^) Well, Himura-san, I'm afraid you have no choice. Shishio-sama has instructed me to do battle with you, and I intend to do as he says.
Kenshin: But Soujirou…. I am your father!
Soujirou: (…. :D) *clenched grin*
Kenshin: Son?
Soujirou: AAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!! *goes crazy*
Sanosuke: Shit, Kenshin!
~ ~
Kenshin: I have something to say to you.
Shishio: What, Battousai?
Kenshin: Shishio…. Shishi-chan….
Shishio: ……..*twitch*
Kenshin: I am your father!
Shishio: *bursts into flames from shock*
Sanosuke: DAMN, Kenshin! Whose next?!
Kenshin: *turns to face him* Well, Sano…
Sanosuke: Oh, shit. *starts to run away*
Kenshin: You can't escape the truth!! Your mother was Tomoe!!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
*Kenshin turns to face Kaoru in the dojo*
Kenshin: Kaoru-dono….
Kaoru: Don't even say it Kenshin. Don't.
~ ~
Kenshin: Yahiko-
Yahiko: Stuff it.
Kenshin: Okeydokey. But you know, Megumi's your mother-
Yahiko: STUFF IT!!!!!!!
~ ~
Kenshin: Thank you for tending to my wounds, Megumi-dono.
Megumi: (^*_*^)(Terrible attempt at a fox face) Oh, it was no trouble at all, Ken-san! Ohohohoho!!
Kenshin: You're so happy, Megumi… I think maybe now would be a good time to tell the truth. I'm your father.
Megumi: ….But….I just thought you told Yahiko I was his mother! Which meant you and I-!!!
Kenshin: (^_^x) It's all non-inconsistent, de gozaru. So if you'll excuse me, I need to go heat up the bath.
Megumi: …..(X_X)
~ ~
Kenshin: Aoshi?
Aoshi: *meditating*
Kenshin: *sits next to him* *sigh* I know I'm not exactly sociable…but I didn't think my son would turn out to be a mute.
Aoshi: You have 5 seconds to be out of here before I kill you.
Kenshin: He speaks!
~ ~
Kenshin: Shishou?
Hiko: What, baka deshi?
Kenshin: *rubbing the back of his head* Oro… it's so hard to say this since I've been studying under you for all these years…
Hiko: Ha! And don't you forget it, pops!
Kenshin: You knew? And you still subjected me to all that torture you called training?!
Hiko: Of course! I wanted to make you stronger; who'd want such a weakling for a dad?
Kenshin: (-_-x)
~ ~
Kenshin: Tsubame-
Tsubame: *shrieks and runs away*
Kenshin: Oro. I guess I'll break the news to her tomorrow.
~ ~
*Later that night*
Kenshin: *looking around at everybody* (^_^x) Oh, hello everyone! Is something the matter?
Yahiko, Sanosuke, Megumi, and Kaoru: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrRRR!!!!
Saitou: BATTOUSAI!!! YOU ARE MOST CERTAINLY NOT MY FATHER!!!
Kenshin: Aww, Hajime-chan! You have such a temper!
Saitou: *Gatotsus Kenshin*
Kaoru: *fuming* You-you-!!! You playboy!!!
Kenshin: Oroororooro….. But Sessha loves all his children!
*WHACK!!*
Kenshin: Orororooo…!! Someone elses turn, please!!!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Sanosuke: Hey, Jou-chan.
Kaoru: What?
Sanosuke: …You know…you should be a lot younger if I were your dad.
Kaoru: WHAT?!?! You must be drunk!
*grabs him*
Kaoru: Wait a second… you're sober!! I can't believe it!
Sanosuke: Geez….my own daughter!
Kaoru: *screams*
~ ~
Sanosuke: Oi, Katsu.
Katsu: Sano! I've been looking all over for you! There's some kind of deadly disease spreading around here! And the only way to tell is if they say-
Sanosuke: Katsu, I'm your pop, okay? Now shut up.
~ ~
Sanosuke: Come on, Miss Tae! Just put it on my tab!
Tae: No! Sagara-san, it's just been too long! That tab must be paid!
Sanosuke: Geez, can't you do your daddy a favor?
Tae: I'm afraid you've gotten it all wrong, Sagara-san. I'm your father.
Sanosuke: What?! But you're a chick!
Tae: That's what you think!
~ ~
Sanosuke: Kenshin. I'm your father. Somehow.
Kenshin: Oro. (Now I know how everyone else felt!)
Sanosuke: *shouting to the sky* CAN I SWITCH NOW?!
Kenshin: (But you didn't get half as hurt as I did….)
~ ~
Saitou: Ahou!
Sanosuke: Huh?
*turns around*
Sanosuke: Oh shit!! Not him! No way!!
*starts to run but Saitou grabs him*
Saitou: Stop running. I'm your father, you stupid ahou!
Sano: *screams*
~ ~
Saitou: Battousai-
Kenshin: Saitou, we both know it's not true.
Saitou: What? That Kaoru was your mother?
Kenshin: NAAAANIIII??!!! YOU MONSTER!!!!
Saitou: What? I never said I was your father.
Kenshin: ORO?!
Saitou: *points at Sano*
Kenshin: #(*&P#(*&)^@#@)()!#???!!!
Saitou: Just be glad I didn't point to the brat.
Kenshin: That's just sick.
~ ~
Saitou: Hmph. It's the Weasel-girl.
Misao: Grrrrrr, what did you say to me, you stupid jerk?!
Saitou: I'm your father.
Misao: …. Wh….wh…
*snaps fingers*
Misao: Oh! I know! You're just trying to catch me off guard! Well, that won't happen, cockroach!
Saitou: For that, you get a spanking.
*reaches for her*
Misao: *shrieking* AOSHI-SAMA!!!!!!
~ ~
*looking at Usui's dead body*
Saitou: I just killed my own son. But he was evil. So no guilt on me!
Kenshin: (Like he'd have any guilt anyway…)
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
*Kaoru's nightmare*
Soujirou: I'm your father!
Hiko: No, I'm your father!
Aoshi: ……I'm your father.
Kenshin: (^_^x) Heh….sorry for hiding the truth so long, Kaoru-dono, but after seeing your attractions to me I must come out with the truth; I'm your father!
Saitou: The Tanuki is MY daughter, Battousai!
Kaoru: (;_;) SOMEONE WAKE ME UP!!!!!!!!!!
Kamatari: Yooohooo!!! Honey, I'm your father!
Kaoru: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!!
~ ~ ~
Kannryu: Oh Megumi! My lovely hen who lays my golden eggs! It turns out I'm your father!
Megumi: *screams*
~ ~ ~
Kannryu: Oh, and I'm her father too.
*points at Kaoru*
Kaoru: Egh…egh….DIE!!!
*whacks at him with her bokken*
Kannryu: *weakly* Errgh…ug…..and I'm…your father too….
*points to….*
Kamatari: No way in hell! But you might be Hennya's!
(If you think about it, their face structures are a little similar…)
~ ~ ~
Raijuta: I'm everyone's father!!!
Everyone: *dies*
Shura: *beats him up with her super cool pirate skills*
Raijuta: Dad's gonna have to punish you for that young lady!
~ ~ ~
Okina: Misao!
Misao: What is it, Gramps?
Okina: Well, I'm your fa-
*WHUMP!*
Misao: *fuming* Don't even say it! That's just gross!
~ ~ ~
Yahiko: Yutarou!
Yutarou: What?
Yahiko: I'm your dad, okay?
Yutarou: ……..
Yahiko: *walks to Kenshin* And I'm yours too!
Kenshin: …
Yahiko: And your's, busu!
Kaoru: ….. *twitch*
Yahiko: And-
*WHUMP!*
Sanosuke: *rubbing fist* I hope that shuts him up.
Yutarou: …Ehehe..eheh….But there's no way that could be true, right?
Sanosuke: It's a messed up world, brat.
Yahiko: *weakly* Papa's gonna spank you for that one….
*WHUMP!*
~ ~ ~
(Saved scariest for last….)
Houji: MWUAHAHHHAAA!!!
*points at reader*
Houji: I'M YOUR FATHER!!!!! ME! ME! THE VILLAIN'S ANNOYING LACKEY! ME!!! MWUAHAHAHAHHAA!!!
(Now the reader may have a choice of either collapsing, screaming, or beating up Houji).
(And dwell on that. Houji. Imagine his face. Scared? You should be.)
~~~ A/N ~~~
Oh….there are so many possibilities with this theme! So many different options! And many other characters I've left out! But it was getting long, so I cut it short. Maybe I'll do a part 2… Maybe not. I think you got the idea.
