Oh kiddies… I'm baa-aack!!!    ~Ack, that didn't sound right. Doesn't help that probably I'm just as old as most of you guys.~     Anyways, for those of you that were actually hoping this would get updated, sorry for taking so long. I considered my other also un-completed fic (Holiday Jollies) to be part of this too, so I took an extra long break. Go read that if you want more stuff. :P

Anyway, I just got this little idea while I was eating at a Chinese resturant…those places are magical! ^_^ Prepare…….for terrible lines and freaky relationships! Wistful-Eyes brings you….

Whose Your Daddy?!?

~Prologue~

The Kenshin-gumi are having an enjoyable day lounging around out on the dojo porch… until Kenshin's super senses pick something up!

"Sessha smells….sessha smells…."

Kaoru: Smells? Don't you mean, sense their chi?

Kenshin: No. Smell!

Kaoru: (T_T) ….

*Kenshin sniffs the air for a while longer, and then a look of complete terror appears on his face*

Kenshin: Oh no….No! Everyone, run-

Sanosuke: Ken-?

*BANG goes the dojo gates and in comes…*

Me: KENSHIN!!!!!!! It's been so long!! (^_^)!!

Kenshin: AIEEEEE!!!!

*tries to run away but Kaoru and Sanosuke grab him*

Kaoru: Oh, hello! It has been a while, hasn't it!

Kenshin: Sano, Kaoru-dono, let sessha GO!!!!!!

Me: ('_';;)?? Kenshin? Why are you acting…afraid of me??

Kenshin: You are the one who threatened to put sessha in a toga, de gozaru! Sessha has a right to be afraid!

Me: (-_-;) ……..True….I did promise that…but Kenshin…. There's something else you should be afraid of….

*leans close to his ear*

Me: Kenshin…..I AM YOUR FATHER!!!!!

Kenshin: (0_0x)!! AAAAAAAAIIIIEEEEEE!!!!!!

Sanosuke: WHAT THE HELL?!

Yahiko: She's snapped!!!

Kaoru: BUT-!!! She's a she!!! (right?!)

Me: I'm sorry….evil…brain storm…taking over chapter….

*collapses and grabs Kenshin's gi*

Me: You all must run! RUN!!!

Kenshin: THAT'S WHAT SESSHA SAID EARLIER, DE GOZARU!!

~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~

Sanosuke: Yahiko.

Yahiko: Yeah?

Sanosuke: I'm your father.

Yahiko: ……….

Sanosuke: *stumbles away*

Yahiko: *twitch* He's been drinking…right?

~     ~     ~     ~     ~

*At Mount Hiei (Shishio's headquarters)*

Kenshin:  Soujirou…. I do not wish to fight, that I do not.

Soujirou: (^_^) Well, Himura-san, I'm afraid you have no choice. Shishio-sama has instructed me to do battle with you, and I intend to do as he says.

Kenshin: But Soujirou…. I am your father!

Soujirou: (…. :D) *clenched grin*

Kenshin: Son?

Soujirou: AAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!! *goes crazy*

Sanosuke: Shit, Kenshin!

~  ~

Kenshin: I have something to say to you.

Shishio: What, Battousai?

Kenshin: Shishio…. Shishi-chan….

Shishio: ……..*twitch*

Kenshin: I am your father!

Shishio: *bursts into flames from shock*

Sanosuke: DAMN, Kenshin! Whose next?!

Kenshin: *turns to face him* Well, Sano…

Sanosuke: Oh, shit. *starts to run away*

Kenshin: You can't escape the truth!! Your mother was Tomoe!!

~     ~     ~     ~     ~

*Kenshin turns to face Kaoru in the dojo*

Kenshin: Kaoru-dono….

Kaoru: Don't even say it Kenshin. Don't.

~  ~

Kenshin: Yahiko-

Yahiko: Stuff it.

Kenshin: Okeydokey. But you know, Megumi's your mother-

Yahiko: STUFF IT!!!!!!!

~  ~

Kenshin: Thank you for tending to my wounds, Megumi-dono.

Megumi: (^*_*^)(Terrible attempt at a fox face) Oh, it was no trouble at all, Ken-san! Ohohohoho!!

Kenshin: You're so happy, Megumi… I think maybe now would be a good time to tell the truth. I'm your father.

Megumi: ….But….I just thought you told Yahiko I was his mother! Which meant you and I-!!!

Kenshin: (^_^x) It's all non-inconsistent, de gozaru. So if you'll excuse me, I need to go heat up the bath.

Megumi: …..(X_X)

~  ~

Kenshin: Aoshi?

Aoshi: *meditating*

Kenshin: *sits next to him* *sigh* I know I'm not exactly sociable…but I didn't think my son would turn out to be a mute.

Aoshi: You have 5 seconds to be out of here before I kill you.

Kenshin: He speaks!

~  ~

Kenshin: Shishou?

Hiko: What, baka deshi?

Kenshin: *rubbing the back of his head* Oro… it's so hard to say this since I've been studying under you for all these years…

Hiko: Ha! And don't you forget it, pops!

Kenshin: You knew? And you still subjected me to all that torture you called training?!

Hiko: Of course! I wanted to make you stronger; who'd want such a weakling for a dad?

Kenshin: (-_-x)

~  ~

Kenshin: Tsubame-

Tsubame: *shrieks and runs away*

Kenshin: Oro. I guess I'll break the news to her tomorrow.

~  ~

*Later that night*

Kenshin: *looking around at everybody*  (^_^x) Oh, hello everyone! Is something the matter?

Yahiko, Sanosuke, Megumi, and Kaoru: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrRRR!!!!

Saitou: BATTOUSAI!!! YOU ARE MOST CERTAINLY NOT MY FATHER!!!

Kenshin: Aww, Hajime-chan! You have such a temper!

Saitou: *Gatotsus Kenshin*

Kaoru: *fuming* You-you-!!! You playboy!!!

Kenshin: Oroororooro….. But Sessha loves all his children!

*WHACK!!*

Kenshin: Orororooo…!! Someone elses turn, please!!!

~     ~     ~     ~     ~

Sanosuke: Hey, Jou-chan.

Kaoru: What?

Sanosuke: …You know…you should be a lot younger if I were your dad.

Kaoru: WHAT?!?! You must be drunk!

*grabs him*

Kaoru: Wait a second… you're sober!! I can't believe it!

Sanosuke: Geez….my own daughter!

Kaoru: *screams*

~  ~

Sanosuke: Oi, Katsu.

Katsu: Sano! I've been looking all over for you! There's some kind of deadly disease spreading around here! And the only way to tell is if they say-

Sanosuke: Katsu, I'm your pop, okay? Now shut up.

~  ~

Sanosuke: Come on, Miss Tae! Just put it on my tab!

Tae: No! Sagara-san, it's just been too long! That tab must be paid!

Sanosuke: Geez, can't you do your daddy a favor?

Tae: I'm afraid you've gotten it all wrong, Sagara-san. I'm your father.

Sanosuke: What?! But you're a chick!

Tae: That's what you think!

~  ~

Sanosuke: Kenshin. I'm your father. Somehow.

Kenshin: Oro. (Now I know how everyone else felt!)

Sanosuke: *shouting to the sky* CAN I SWITCH NOW?!

Kenshin: (But you didn't get half as hurt as I did….)

~  ~

Saitou: Ahou!

Sanosuke: Huh?

*turns around*

Sanosuke: Oh shit!! Not him! No way!!

*starts to run but Saitou grabs him*

Saitou: Stop running. I'm your father, you stupid ahou!

Sano: *screams*

~  ~

Saitou: Battousai-

Kenshin: Saitou, we both know it's not true.

Saitou: What? That Kaoru was your mother?

Kenshin: NAAAANIIII??!!! YOU MONSTER!!!!

Saitou: What? I never said I was your father.

Kenshin: ORO?!

Saitou: *points at Sano*

Kenshin: #(*&P#(*&)^@#@)()!#???!!!

Saitou: Just be glad I didn't point to the brat.

Kenshin: That's just sick.

~  ~

Saitou: Hmph. It's the Weasel-girl.

Misao: Grrrrrr, what did you say to me, you stupid jerk?!

Saitou: I'm your father.

Misao: …. Wh….wh…

*snaps fingers*

Misao: Oh! I know! You're just trying to catch me off guard! Well, that won't happen, cockroach!

Saitou: For that, you get a spanking.

*reaches for her*

Misao: *shrieking* AOSHI-SAMA!!!!!!

~  ~

*looking at Usui's dead body*

Saitou: I just killed my own son. But he was evil. So no guilt on me!

Kenshin: (Like he'd have any guilt anyway…)

~     ~     ~     ~     ~

*Kaoru's nightmare*

Soujirou: I'm your father!

Hiko: No, I'm your father!

Aoshi: ……I'm your father.

Kenshin: (^_^x) Heh….sorry for hiding the truth so long, Kaoru-dono, but after seeing your attractions to me I must come out with the truth; I'm your father!

Saitou: The Tanuki is MY daughter, Battousai!

Kaoru: (;_;) SOMEONE WAKE ME UP!!!!!!!!!!

Kamatari: Yooohooo!!! Honey, I'm your father!

Kaoru: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!!

~   ~   ~

Kannryu: Oh Megumi! My lovely hen who lays my golden eggs! It turns out I'm your father!

Megumi: *screams*

~   ~   ~

Kannryu: Oh, and I'm her father too.

*points at Kaoru*

Kaoru: Egh…egh….DIE!!!

*whacks at him with her bokken*

Kannryu: *weakly* Errgh…ug…..and I'm…your father too….

*points to….*

Kamatari: No way in hell! But you might be Hennya's!

(If you think about it, their face structures are a little similar…)

~   ~   ~

Raijuta: I'm everyone's father!!!

Everyone: *dies*

Shura: *beats him up with her super cool pirate skills*

Raijuta: Dad's gonna have to punish you for that young lady!

~   ~   ~

Okina: Misao!

Misao: What is it, Gramps?

Okina: Well, I'm your fa-

*WHUMP!*

Misao: *fuming* Don't even say it! That's just gross!

~   ~   ~

Yahiko: Yutarou!

Yutarou: What?

Yahiko: I'm your dad, okay?

Yutarou: ……..

Yahiko: *walks to Kenshin* And I'm yours too!

Kenshin: …

Yahiko: And your's, busu!

Kaoru: ….. *twitch*

Yahiko: And-

*WHUMP!*

Sanosuke: *rubbing fist* I hope that shuts him up.

Yutarou: …Ehehe..eheh….But there's no way that could be true, right?

Sanosuke: It's a messed up world, brat.

Yahiko: *weakly* Papa's gonna spank you for that one….

*WHUMP!*

~   ~   ~

(Saved scariest for last….)

Houji: MWUAHAHHHAAA!!!

*points at reader*

Houji: I'M YOUR FATHER!!!!! ME! ME! THE VILLAIN'S ANNOYING LACKEY! ME!!! MWUAHAHAHAHHAA!!!

(Now the reader may have a choice of either collapsing, screaming, or beating up Houji).

(And dwell on that. Houji. Imagine his face. Scared? You should be.)

~~~ A/N ~~~

Oh….there are so many possibilities with this theme! So many different options! And many other characters I've left out! But it was getting long, so I cut it short. Maybe I'll do a part 2… Maybe not. I think you got the idea.