A/N: I've always wondered. How do you excuse yourself? When do Christians think the temptation passes off? When someone is devoted to God, but secretly hates who he is.

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He sits awaiting reason. Alone. It will come to him, he is sure.

The grey of the room is bland, and unassuming. His hands are clenched on the shabby velvet.

It is comfortable, this chair. He shouldn't have it. He changes seats.

Reason must come. He must be clean again.

he has not felt clean since

What happened to him? He was always so pious, and happy, safe in the arms of the Lord.

in the arms of? he mustn't think like that. he does not deserve comfort

He sang with a light heart, he did his best. His children are in Australia, emigrated. He has two grandchildren. One is blonde. Her face sits on the shelf over the mantelpiece, a chubby beam of exuberance.

Reason must come. He has sat in this chair many times. He must resist. He cannot, he cannot forget what he believes.

he is not that. It is terrible, and dreadful, and loathsome

I would not be welcome in heaven

No. He will sit. He will wait. Surely, the Lord will remove the cloud from his eyes, accept him back, remove temptation. If he waits long enough, he will be forgiven. He will be clean. And whole.

He sits back in the chair, with a heavy sigh. The sky is grey.

He has children, and grandchildren, and sings in the choir.

He will never say what he thinks, secretly, after so many years of waiting.

Has the Lord abandoned him?

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