THE MATRIX: RECLICHED

by Nain (Nain) and Calli (WingdCallisto)

----------------------------**

INSIDE THE HALL THINGIE.

Lock: So, yeah, that's why I think that we should have a Marijuana plantation inside Zion.

Dillard: Ahh, that's very enlightening. How about the Squiddies Situation?

Lock: Damn, I forgot about that...

Dillard: Has there been word from the NebuCheeseFizzAnezzar?

Lock: I don't know. I've been stoned for the last day or two.

Dillard: Well, that's useful.

West: We should send a ship out to find them.

Queen Victoria: Volunteers?

Lock: NOOOOOOOO!

Queen Victoria: Shut up, you stoned stripper.

Soren: Like, let's all go die!

Niobe: I will come. And not die.

Lock: YOU BITCH!

Bane: Like, let's follow them!

Niobe: Shut up, Jason.

Lock: That hurt.

Malachi: I hate you.

Soren: Can we have another orgy?

Dillard: I don't see why not.

ORGY ENSUES.

SCENE CUTS TO NEO AND TRIN AND MORPHEYPOO HOPPING IN AN ELEVATOR.

Morpheus: Neo, what do you see?

Neo: ... I see candy.

Trinity: Oh, god.

Neo: And pretty shiny bomby thingies.

Morpheus: Oooh, the door is opening.

Maitre d': BLAH BLAH BLAH?

Morpheus: Merv.

Maitre d': Oh, yeah, it's you guys.

TRINITY, MORPHEUS AND NEO FOLLOW THE HACKING GUY

Merv: Oh my god, it's Priscilla!

Trinity: Priscilla is the BUS. And isn't this getting a little old?

Calli and Nain: HELL NO!

Merv: And you must be Neo, the One!

Neo: If you don't have candy, I will crush you.

Merv: And this is Trinity, she's pretty. And Morpheypoo... who has pores. Would you like some Cherryneocola?

CALLI AND NAIN APPEAR, HOLDING LARGE BOTTLES OF CHERRYNEOCOLA.

Calli: If he has big brown eyes, then he goes well in pies... CHERRY NEO.

Nain: If he wears a black trenchoat, then he's not gross... CHERRY NEO.

Merv: Shut up, or you can become my love slaves.

Calli: WE'LL BE GOOD!

Nain: THE HORROR!

Merv: This is wine. Would you like some?

Morpheus: Like, we want the Keyman.

Trinity: The keymaker, you idiot.

Merv: I like to swear in French. BLAH BLAH HACK COUGH BLAH.

Neo: We need the keymaker so we can get the key to Larry's apartment.

Persephone: Avoid the pomegranates.

Neo: Oh, can I try one?

Trinity: NEO!

Merv: Would you like some orgasm cake?

Trinity: What?

Morpheus: Oooh! Can I...

Merv: Look, I gave it to that sexy blonde over there.

Trinity: -kicks Morpheus-

SEXY BLONDE IS EATING THE CAKE

Neo: What's an orgasm cake?

Trinity: It has to do with sock puppet games, Neo.

Neo: OOOH! DOES THAT LADY WANT TO PLAY WITH MY SOCK PUPPET?!

Merv: No, she wants to play with mine.

Persephone: But I had all those breast implants!

Neo: I feel so unloved.

Merv: Silicone does not interest me. I need to take a leak. Au revoir.

Neo: This isn't over, you sock puppet you!

Merv: Well, I don't really feel like letting you see the Keymaker. I know, life's a bitch.

NEO, TRIN AND MORPHEUS HOP IN THE ELEVATOR.

Neo: I'm going to now state the obvious. I wanted to play the sock puppet game. -sniffle-

Trin: Did the Oracle say anything else?

Neo: Well, she told me Larry was her bitch. And she told me about that funky prophetic dream where you fall into a car.

Trinity: WHAT?

Neo: Uhh, nevermind.

DOOR OPENS

Persephone: If you want the keymaker, follow my headlights.

THEY WALK INTO THE MEN'S ROOM

Neo: Want to play with my sock puppet? -winks-

Man: No way, I bet yours is small! -flounces out-

Trinity: NEO, YOU HAVE BETRAYED ME.

Persephone: Oh, shut up. -goes to apply lipstick-

Trin: Make me, bitch!

Persephone: I will. Kiss me, Trinity's bitch.

Trinity: YO, GET YOUR OWN MAN.

Persephone: Oh, I have my own man. But he's actually a woman.

Neo: PRISCILLA?!

Trinity: That's a bus.

Persephone: Hey, Neo, can you kiss me, PLEASE?!

Trinity: KISS THIS INSTEAD! -cocks gun-

Persephone: Why would I kiss a gun?

Neo: Will you show us the keymaker if I kiss you?

Persephone: Yeah, sure, whatever.

NEO GRABS PERSEPHONE AND SMOOCHES HER

Trinity: -sobs-

Morpheus: If only Cypher were here...

Persephone: Damn, that was good. Okay, let's go get the KEYMAKER.

MORPHEUS, TRINITY AND NEO AND PERSEPHONE WALK THROUGH THIS SEWERY THING UNTIL THEY REACH A DOOR, PAINTED PINK AND COVERED IN FLOWERS.

Neo: Is the keymaker in here?

Persephone: Actually, that's where we keep Po and Tinky Winky.

Neo: I WANNA SEE TINKY WINKY!

NEO OPENS THE DOOR, IT SHUTS BEHIND HIM. HE IS IN TELLYTUBBY LAND.

Neo: I've... I've seen this place before!

Tinky Winky: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Po: Ooooooooooooooh!

NEO RUBS HEAD LIKE A PSYCHIC

Lala: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh!

Dipsey: Mooooooooooooooooo!

Oracle: It's a pickle, no doubt about it. But, yeah, this is the same scene that's at the end of Revolutions.

Po: NEEEEEEEEHOOOOOOOOOO!

PO TACKLES NEO.

Po: I WAAAAAAAA BEEEEEE AA SUUUUUPERFRIEND!

Tinky Winky: No, we do not attack foals!

Lala: What in fresh hell are you talking about?

Noo-Noo: -makes vaccuum noises-

Tinky Winky: I dunno. LET'S JUMP HIM!

Noo-Noo: -makes more vaccuum noises-

Dipsy: OOH! MY SPIDER SENSE IS TINGLING. IT IS TIME FOR US TO WATCH LITTLE CHILDREN BE EXPLOITED!

THE BABY IN THE SKY, WHO BEARS AN UNCANNY RESEMBLANCE TO DEUS EX MACHINA, GIGGLES INSANELY. NEO, TINKY WINKY, DIPSY, LA LA AND PO ALL HOLD HANDS AND SKIP UP THE HILL TO WHERE THE RECEPTION IS BEST.

Neo: Wow, I could have saved myself a fortune on drugs!

Tinky Winky: Yeah. Don't buy drugs.

Lala: When you're a Teletubby, people give 'em to you for FREE!

Trinity: Neo, I think you've had enough of this bullshit. It's making you dumber than you already are.

Neo: DON'T MAKE ME LEAVE!

TRINITY PULLS NEO OUT THE DOOR

Neo: But... we were going to exploit little children though subliminal messages... AND THEY SAID THEY'D GIVE ME ALL THE DRUGS I NEED!

Trinity: We need the key. To Larry's apartment. Remember?

THEY WALK TO THE KEYMAKER'S DOOR. NEO OPENS IT.

INSIDE IS A MAN IN A CHICKEN SUIT.

Keymaker: Are you a KFC worker?

Neo: ...Colonel?

Keymaker: Larry was the person who opened KFC. He said he'd come for me.

Neo: Oh, super!

Neo: LARRY IS THE COLONEL?

Keymaker: Isn't it obvious?

Neo: I'm kind of an idiot.

Keymaker: Oh, that's okay. Well, shall we go?

Trinity: Please.

THEY ALL WALK INTO THE CHATEAU. MERVY APPEARS WITH HIS HENCHMEN AND TWINS.

Merv: Why, Persy? Is it because of the womanizing and the drinking and the swearing and the pomegranates?

Persephone: Good guess. Persephone: Plus, you're wearing all that lipstick.

Merv: -guiltily wipes off Sexy Fire Engine lipstick with hanky-

Neo: WE HAVE THE KEYMAKER, NYAH NYAH

Merv: Shut up, Teletubby.

Neo: Ouch.

Trinity: DO NOT INSULT MY BITCH!

Keymaker: I MUST GO TO LARRY!

KEYMAKER RUNS AWAY.

Merv: Blah, blah, blah. Disposable henchman, take care of Sock Puppet Boy.

Twin 1: We're the most hyped characters in this movie's history.

Twin 2: But we die.

Merv: Valuable henchman, go after the little Asian guy.

Trinity: I will follow him.

Morpheus: As shall I.

Neo: I'll stay here and find Tinky Winky.

Trinity: NEO!

Neo: Uhh, I mean, fight.

TRINITY AND MORPHEUS FOLLOW KEYMAKER DUDE

Tinky Winky: Here I am!

Neo: TINKY!

THEY RUN TO EACH OTHER

Tinky Winky: NEO!

Neo: Tinky, these mean people want to kill me. Do you think you could torture them, but be educational?

Tinky Winky: Of course, I have just the thing. THE ABC SONG!

Neo: YAY!

Neo: Q Z d e a p d?

Henchmen: Oh my god.

Tinky Winky: No, ABC.

Neo: Z Y N ?

Henchman 1: It's ABC, YOU IDIOT!

Neo: I'M TRYING, OKAY?!



Henchman 2: SCREW THIS! -shoots at Neo-

NEO STOPS THE BULLETS

Neo: I'M TRYING TO LEARN, DAMMIT!

Henchman 3: Di-iss.

NEO GETS ANNOYED AND KILLS ALL THE PEOPLE IN VARIOUS WAYS

Mervy: Damn you, illiterate ph433k.

Neo: You know l337speak?

Mervy: 0F (0(_)453 //\\//07. 1 j(_)57 K//\\//0\/\/ 4 //\\//\\0|)1F13|) \/34510/\/.

Neo: Huh?

Mervy: Okay, well, I'm going to go now.

MERVY SLAMS DOOR.

Neo: Tinky, I have to go save Trinity. But I'll always love you.

Tinky Winky: You're not going to die. Not here. Not now. You're gonna make lots of babies, and you're gonna go on.

Neo: But... I'm so cold.

MY HEART WILL GO ON, BY CELINE DION, BEGINS TO PLAY IN THE BACKGROUND.

James Cameron: OH MY GOD, THE WACHOWSKIS STOLE MY STUPID, CHEESY, PRIZE-WINNING SCRIPT!

Wachowkis: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Leonardo DiCaprio: I was supposed to be in this movie.

Joel Silver: Yeah, I wanted more money for more burgers. But, nooo, the Wachowskis just HAD to have Keanu. So I didn't get my burgers, and he got a million bucks. Not only did I want burgers, but I wanted chicken.

Larry: And Tastee Wheat.

Andy: And Duracells!

Larry: And Powerade...

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A/N: [NAIN] Digdug! Woo! Uh, anyway. I hope you like this piece of shit so far. We're also writing "The Matrix: Cliched," a Matrix parody. Cypher the LOVE GOD! -collapses into a fit of giggles-

A/N: [CALLI] I have absolutely nothing to say. Have a nice day.