THE MATRIX: RECLICHED

BY NAIN AND CALLI

SEVERAL HOURS LATER

Joel Silver: ... and don't forget the limited edition Matrix Phone.

Larry: And all the 'official' tight leather outfits!

Andy: And the bedsheets!

Larry: And the shorts!

Andy: And the really ugly action figures!

Joel Silver: You know, I don't really care about this movie, I just want money.

CUT TO THE FREEWAY

Joel Silver: Can we somehow sell the cars used here for a tidy profit?

Wachowskis: Shut up, Joel.

Joel Silver: But, I mean, think about all our moolah!

Trinity: Why is it that I always have to drive?

Morpheus: Uhhh... because... um...

Twin 1: Wow, isn't my name interesting?

Twin 2: Totally.

MORPHEUS CALLS TANK

Tank: Duh, I'm dead.

Morpheus: I know, but I really hate Link.

Tank: NO, really? That's super. -hangs up-

MORPHEUS CALLS LINK

Link: Hello, Link's house of love! I'm Link, the love God!

Morpheus: ... Deja Vu.

Link: ... No, sir, this is Link the Love God.

MORPHEUS HANGS UP AND LOOKS AT TRINITY

Morpheus: I guess we're on our own.

Trinity: Trust me, we've been on our own ever since you employed that annoying, pointless character.

Ham-Man: I would like to stress how pointless this scene is.

SCENE CUTS TO NEO, STANDING IN FRONT OF THE MERO'S CHATEAU

Link: Hello, Link's House of Love! I'm Link, the Love God!

Neo: Hi, Love God!

Link: What can I get for you, Mr..?

Neo: Actually, my name's Miss Dranderson.

Link: Oh, it's you. I'll get Agent Smith for you.

Neo: NO!

Agent Smith: Helllo, Missssss Dranderson. How are you?

Neo: I need to figure out where everyone else went. They left me all alone with Merv.

Agent Smith: Aww, Miss Dranderson, you've had a tough day. Let me sing you a song.

AGENT SMITH SINGS 'I'M TOO SEXY'

Neo: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

NEO HANGS UP

Neo: Wait, dammit, I should have asked if he'd do a striptease. Ah, well. -waves pointed finger around with his eyes closed- I'll fly... that way! -leaves-

CUT BACK TO FREEWAY

Morpheus: Wow, we're going to now participate in a fourteen-minute car chase!

Trinity: Now, where did my bitch go?

Twin One: I am getting conspitated.

Twin Two: Yes, you are.

NEO IS STILL FLYING THROUGH THE AIR

NIOBE IS STANDING IN A WIERD PLACE, CALLING

LINK.

Link: Hello! Link's House of Love! This is Link, the Love God!

Niobe: Link, it's Niobe. What the hell are you doing, boi?

Link: Uhhh... nothing.

Niobe: So, where's my ex-bitch? I've been sent to bring him back to Zion so my current bitch can thwap him.

Link: Follow the sirens. Now, please go, you're tying up the phone line.

CUT TO FREEWAY, AGAIN.

Agent Fuzzy: Oh, look, it's the exile.

Agent Bunny: Well, we can either catch him, or go to the drag club.

Agent Disco Stu: Oooh, baby, you know what I want!

THE AGENTS DRIVE AWAY IN THEIR LOVE BUS

Trinity: Oh my god, it's Priscilla!

Morpheus: Priscilla is the bus.

Trinity: NO, IT'S THE PRISCILLA BUS. LOOK.

TRINITY POINTS OUT THE WINDOW AS A PINK BUS DRIVES UP THE ROAD

Morpheus: OOOH!

Trinity: Focus, you bald idiot.

MORPHEUS GETS OUT HIS CAMERA

Keymaker: Um, can we please get on with this?

TRNIITY DRIVES UP ANOTHER ROAD AND MORPHEUS HOPS OUT

Morpheus: If you launch yourself onto that truck, filled with stratigically placed motorbikes, you'll be able to escape.

Trinity: But, Morpheus, you can't stop the twin things!

Morpheus: I can... because our bond of love is strong.

MORPHEUS AND TRINITY GAZE AT EACH OTHER, EYES SHINING. BRITNEY SPEARS' 'DEAR DIARY' BEGINS TO PLAY

Trinity: Morpheus... I have to tell you, that I've always loved you. Neo may be my bitch, but it is you for whom my heart truly longs.

Morpheus: -clutches Trinity's hands- But... you are so in love with Neo! How... how could you love a bald, acne-scarred man like me?

Trinity: ... Good Question.

TRINITY GRABS THE KEYMAKER AND JUMPS ON A TRUCK

THE TWINS HOP OUT OF THE CAR AND FACE MORPHEUS

Twin 1: We will now kill you.

Twin 2: Yes, we will.

MorpheusL That's what you think, you overhyped albinos!

MORPHEUS PULLS OUT CELL PHONE AND CALLS SOMEONE

Morpheus over Phone: Hey, Baby, it's me. -laughs- Yeah, it's been awhile. Hey, d'you think you could come give me a hand? Thanks. Love you. Kiss Kiss.

MORPHEUS HANGS UP AND GLARES AT THE TWINS. SUDDENLY, JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE APPEARS.

Justin: Hey, guys and girls! Ready for some really raunchy action?

THE AGENTS PROCEED TO SWARM JUSTIN

Agent Fuzzy: You're, like, my FAVORITE SINGER EVER!

Agent Bunny: YEAH, LIKE, KISS ME!

Justin: Sorry, Morphey-baby. I'm out.

THE TWINS DIE BECAUSE THEY ARE POINTLESS

Calli: Wow, what was it with those characters?

Nain: They were really nifty, though.

Calli: Yeah, but they sprouted pointless lines.

TRINITY GETS ON A MOTORBIKE

Trinity: Link, I need a program for--

Link: Hello, Link's House of Love! This is Link, the Love God!

Trinity: SHUT UP, YOU MORON. I NEED TO HOTWIRE A MOTORCYCLE!

Link: For guy on guy action, press 1. For agent on woman in red dress action, press 2.

Keymaker: Here, take my key.

Trinity: You're totally perverse, you know that?

Link: And that's why Zee married me.

Trinity: She didn't marry you.

Link: Oh, yeah....

KEYMAKER GAZES AT TRINITY'S BUTT AS SHE HOPS ON THE MOTORCYCLE

Keymaker: I can see your ass through those pants!

NEO APPEARS

Neo: DO NOT TOUCH MY SOCK PUPPET!

Trinity: OH, NEO! -flings her arms around his neck-

MORPHEUS JUMPS ON THE MOTORCYCLE AND GIVES A CHEESY GRIN

Morpheus: Miss me, y'all?

Neo: Not really. Shall we go now?

Trinity: Of course, sock puppet.

NEO GRABS THEM ALL UNDER HIS ARMS

Morpheus: Dude, did you forget deodorant again today?

Neo: Uhh....

THEY ALL FLY OFF INTO THE SUNSET

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A/N (Nain): It's just me posting this lonely author's note today, folks. Anyway, I have nothing to say. Woohoo.