THE MATRIX: RECLICHED
BY NAIN AND CALLI
SEVERAL HOURS LATER
Joel Silver: ... and don't forget the limited edition Matrix Phone.
Larry: And all the 'official' tight leather outfits!
Andy: And the bedsheets!
Larry: And the shorts!
Andy: And the really ugly action figures!
Joel Silver: You know, I don't really care about this movie, I just want money.
CUT TO THE FREEWAY
Joel Silver: Can we somehow sell the cars used here for a tidy profit?
Wachowskis: Shut up, Joel.
Joel Silver: But, I mean, think about all our moolah!
Trinity: Why is it that I always have to drive?
Morpheus: Uhhh... because... um...
Twin 1: Wow, isn't my name interesting?
Twin 2: Totally.
MORPHEUS CALLS TANK
Tank: Duh, I'm dead.
Morpheus: I know, but I really hate Link.
Tank: NO, really? That's super. -hangs up-
MORPHEUS CALLS LINK
Link: Hello, Link's house of love! I'm Link, the love God!
Morpheus: ... Deja Vu.
Link: ... No, sir, this is Link the Love God.
MORPHEUS HANGS UP AND LOOKS AT TRINITY
Morpheus: I guess we're on our own.
Trinity: Trust me, we've been on our own ever since you employed that annoying, pointless character.
Ham-Man: I would like to stress how pointless this scene is.
SCENE CUTS TO NEO, STANDING IN FRONT OF THE MERO'S CHATEAU
Link: Hello, Link's House of Love! I'm Link, the Love God!
Neo: Hi, Love God!
Link: What can I get for you, Mr..?
Neo: Actually, my name's Miss Dranderson.
Link: Oh, it's you. I'll get Agent Smith for you.
Neo: NO!
Agent Smith: Helllo, Missssss Dranderson. How are you?
Neo: I need to figure out where everyone else went. They left me all alone with Merv.
Agent Smith: Aww, Miss Dranderson, you've had a tough day. Let me sing you a song.
AGENT SMITH SINGS 'I'M TOO SEXY'
Neo: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
NEO HANGS UP
Neo: Wait, dammit, I should have asked if he'd do a striptease. Ah, well. -waves pointed finger around with his eyes closed- I'll fly... that way! -leaves-
CUT BACK TO FREEWAY
Morpheus: Wow, we're going to now participate in a fourteen-minute car chase!
Trinity: Now, where did my bitch go?
Twin One: I am getting conspitated.
Twin Two: Yes, you are.
NEO IS STILL FLYING THROUGH THE AIR
NIOBE IS STANDING IN A WIERD PLACE, CALLING
LINK.
Link: Hello! Link's House of Love! This is Link, the Love God!
Niobe: Link, it's Niobe. What the hell are you doing, boi?
Link: Uhhh... nothing.
Niobe: So, where's my ex-bitch? I've been sent to bring him back to Zion so my current bitch can thwap him.
Link: Follow the sirens. Now, please go, you're tying up the phone line.
CUT TO FREEWAY, AGAIN.
Agent Fuzzy: Oh, look, it's the exile.
Agent Bunny: Well, we can either catch him, or go to the drag club.
Agent Disco Stu: Oooh, baby, you know what I want!
THE AGENTS DRIVE AWAY IN THEIR LOVE BUS
Trinity: Oh my god, it's Priscilla!
Morpheus: Priscilla is the bus.
Trinity: NO, IT'S THE PRISCILLA BUS. LOOK.
TRINITY POINTS OUT THE WINDOW AS A PINK BUS DRIVES UP THE ROAD
Morpheus: OOOH!
Trinity: Focus, you bald idiot.
MORPHEUS GETS OUT HIS CAMERA
Keymaker: Um, can we please get on with this?
TRNIITY DRIVES UP ANOTHER ROAD AND MORPHEUS HOPS OUT
Morpheus: If you launch yourself onto that truck, filled with stratigically placed motorbikes, you'll be able to escape.
Trinity: But, Morpheus, you can't stop the twin things!
Morpheus: I can... because our bond of love is strong.
MORPHEUS AND TRINITY GAZE AT EACH OTHER, EYES SHINING. BRITNEY SPEARS' 'DEAR DIARY' BEGINS TO PLAY
Trinity: Morpheus... I have to tell you, that I've always loved you. Neo may be my bitch, but it is you for whom my heart truly longs.
Morpheus: -clutches Trinity's hands- But... you are so in love with Neo! How... how could you love a bald, acne-scarred man like me?
Trinity: ... Good Question.
TRINITY GRABS THE KEYMAKER AND JUMPS ON A TRUCK
THE TWINS HOP OUT OF THE CAR AND FACE MORPHEUS
Twin 1: We will now kill you.
Twin 2: Yes, we will.
MorpheusL That's what you think, you overhyped albinos!
MORPHEUS PULLS OUT CELL PHONE AND CALLS SOMEONE
Morpheus over Phone: Hey, Baby, it's me. -laughs- Yeah, it's been awhile. Hey, d'you think you could come give me a hand? Thanks. Love you. Kiss Kiss.
MORPHEUS HANGS UP AND GLARES AT THE TWINS. SUDDENLY, JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE APPEARS.
Justin: Hey, guys and girls! Ready for some really raunchy action?
THE AGENTS PROCEED TO SWARM JUSTIN
Agent Fuzzy: You're, like, my FAVORITE SINGER EVER!
Agent Bunny: YEAH, LIKE, KISS ME!
Justin: Sorry, Morphey-baby. I'm out.
THE TWINS DIE BECAUSE THEY ARE POINTLESS
Calli: Wow, what was it with those characters?
Nain: They were really nifty, though.
Calli: Yeah, but they sprouted pointless lines.
TRINITY GETS ON A MOTORBIKE
Trinity: Link, I need a program for--
Link: Hello, Link's House of Love! This is Link, the Love God!
Trinity: SHUT UP, YOU MORON. I NEED TO HOTWIRE A MOTORCYCLE!
Link: For guy on guy action, press 1. For agent on woman in red dress action, press 2.
Keymaker: Here, take my key.
Trinity: You're totally perverse, you know that?
Link: And that's why Zee married me.
Trinity: She didn't marry you.
Link: Oh, yeah....
KEYMAKER GAZES AT TRINITY'S BUTT AS SHE HOPS ON THE MOTORCYCLE
Keymaker: I can see your ass through those pants!
NEO APPEARS
Neo: DO NOT TOUCH MY SOCK PUPPET!
Trinity: OH, NEO! -flings her arms around his neck-
MORPHEUS JUMPS ON THE MOTORCYCLE AND GIVES A CHEESY GRIN
Morpheus: Miss me, y'all?
Neo: Not really. Shall we go now?
Trinity: Of course, sock puppet.
NEO GRABS THEM ALL UNDER HIS ARMS
Morpheus: Dude, did you forget deodorant again today?
Neo: Uhh....
THEY ALL FLY OFF INTO THE SUNSET
----
A/N (Nain): It's just me posting this lonely author's note today, folks. Anyway, I have nothing to say. Woohoo.
BY NAIN AND CALLI
SEVERAL HOURS LATER
Joel Silver: ... and don't forget the limited edition Matrix Phone.
Larry: And all the 'official' tight leather outfits!
Andy: And the bedsheets!
Larry: And the shorts!
Andy: And the really ugly action figures!
Joel Silver: You know, I don't really care about this movie, I just want money.
CUT TO THE FREEWAY
Joel Silver: Can we somehow sell the cars used here for a tidy profit?
Wachowskis: Shut up, Joel.
Joel Silver: But, I mean, think about all our moolah!
Trinity: Why is it that I always have to drive?
Morpheus: Uhhh... because... um...
Twin 1: Wow, isn't my name interesting?
Twin 2: Totally.
MORPHEUS CALLS TANK
Tank: Duh, I'm dead.
Morpheus: I know, but I really hate Link.
Tank: NO, really? That's super. -hangs up-
MORPHEUS CALLS LINK
Link: Hello, Link's house of love! I'm Link, the love God!
Morpheus: ... Deja Vu.
Link: ... No, sir, this is Link the Love God.
MORPHEUS HANGS UP AND LOOKS AT TRINITY
Morpheus: I guess we're on our own.
Trinity: Trust me, we've been on our own ever since you employed that annoying, pointless character.
Ham-Man: I would like to stress how pointless this scene is.
SCENE CUTS TO NEO, STANDING IN FRONT OF THE MERO'S CHATEAU
Link: Hello, Link's House of Love! I'm Link, the Love God!
Neo: Hi, Love God!
Link: What can I get for you, Mr..?
Neo: Actually, my name's Miss Dranderson.
Link: Oh, it's you. I'll get Agent Smith for you.
Neo: NO!
Agent Smith: Helllo, Missssss Dranderson. How are you?
Neo: I need to figure out where everyone else went. They left me all alone with Merv.
Agent Smith: Aww, Miss Dranderson, you've had a tough day. Let me sing you a song.
AGENT SMITH SINGS 'I'M TOO SEXY'
Neo: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
NEO HANGS UP
Neo: Wait, dammit, I should have asked if he'd do a striptease. Ah, well. -waves pointed finger around with his eyes closed- I'll fly... that way! -leaves-
CUT BACK TO FREEWAY
Morpheus: Wow, we're going to now participate in a fourteen-minute car chase!
Trinity: Now, where did my bitch go?
Twin One: I am getting conspitated.
Twin Two: Yes, you are.
NEO IS STILL FLYING THROUGH THE AIR
NIOBE IS STANDING IN A WIERD PLACE, CALLING
LINK.
Link: Hello! Link's House of Love! This is Link, the Love God!
Niobe: Link, it's Niobe. What the hell are you doing, boi?
Link: Uhhh... nothing.
Niobe: So, where's my ex-bitch? I've been sent to bring him back to Zion so my current bitch can thwap him.
Link: Follow the sirens. Now, please go, you're tying up the phone line.
CUT TO FREEWAY, AGAIN.
Agent Fuzzy: Oh, look, it's the exile.
Agent Bunny: Well, we can either catch him, or go to the drag club.
Agent Disco Stu: Oooh, baby, you know what I want!
THE AGENTS DRIVE AWAY IN THEIR LOVE BUS
Trinity: Oh my god, it's Priscilla!
Morpheus: Priscilla is the bus.
Trinity: NO, IT'S THE PRISCILLA BUS. LOOK.
TRINITY POINTS OUT THE WINDOW AS A PINK BUS DRIVES UP THE ROAD
Morpheus: OOOH!
Trinity: Focus, you bald idiot.
MORPHEUS GETS OUT HIS CAMERA
Keymaker: Um, can we please get on with this?
TRNIITY DRIVES UP ANOTHER ROAD AND MORPHEUS HOPS OUT
Morpheus: If you launch yourself onto that truck, filled with stratigically placed motorbikes, you'll be able to escape.
Trinity: But, Morpheus, you can't stop the twin things!
Morpheus: I can... because our bond of love is strong.
MORPHEUS AND TRINITY GAZE AT EACH OTHER, EYES SHINING. BRITNEY SPEARS' 'DEAR DIARY' BEGINS TO PLAY
Trinity: Morpheus... I have to tell you, that I've always loved you. Neo may be my bitch, but it is you for whom my heart truly longs.
Morpheus: -clutches Trinity's hands- But... you are so in love with Neo! How... how could you love a bald, acne-scarred man like me?
Trinity: ... Good Question.
TRINITY GRABS THE KEYMAKER AND JUMPS ON A TRUCK
THE TWINS HOP OUT OF THE CAR AND FACE MORPHEUS
Twin 1: We will now kill you.
Twin 2: Yes, we will.
MorpheusL That's what you think, you overhyped albinos!
MORPHEUS PULLS OUT CELL PHONE AND CALLS SOMEONE
Morpheus over Phone: Hey, Baby, it's me. -laughs- Yeah, it's been awhile. Hey, d'you think you could come give me a hand? Thanks. Love you. Kiss Kiss.
MORPHEUS HANGS UP AND GLARES AT THE TWINS. SUDDENLY, JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE APPEARS.
Justin: Hey, guys and girls! Ready for some really raunchy action?
THE AGENTS PROCEED TO SWARM JUSTIN
Agent Fuzzy: You're, like, my FAVORITE SINGER EVER!
Agent Bunny: YEAH, LIKE, KISS ME!
Justin: Sorry, Morphey-baby. I'm out.
THE TWINS DIE BECAUSE THEY ARE POINTLESS
Calli: Wow, what was it with those characters?
Nain: They were really nifty, though.
Calli: Yeah, but they sprouted pointless lines.
TRINITY GETS ON A MOTORBIKE
Trinity: Link, I need a program for--
Link: Hello, Link's House of Love! This is Link, the Love God!
Trinity: SHUT UP, YOU MORON. I NEED TO HOTWIRE A MOTORCYCLE!
Link: For guy on guy action, press 1. For agent on woman in red dress action, press 2.
Keymaker: Here, take my key.
Trinity: You're totally perverse, you know that?
Link: And that's why Zee married me.
Trinity: She didn't marry you.
Link: Oh, yeah....
KEYMAKER GAZES AT TRINITY'S BUTT AS SHE HOPS ON THE MOTORCYCLE
Keymaker: I can see your ass through those pants!
NEO APPEARS
Neo: DO NOT TOUCH MY SOCK PUPPET!
Trinity: OH, NEO! -flings her arms around his neck-
MORPHEUS JUMPS ON THE MOTORCYCLE AND GIVES A CHEESY GRIN
Morpheus: Miss me, y'all?
Neo: Not really. Shall we go now?
Trinity: Of course, sock puppet.
NEO GRABS THEM ALL UNDER HIS ARMS
Morpheus: Dude, did you forget deodorant again today?
Neo: Uhh....
THEY ALL FLY OFF INTO THE SUNSET
----
A/N (Nain): It's just me posting this lonely author's note today, folks. Anyway, I have nothing to say. Woohoo.
