The Matrix: Recliched
by Nain and Calli
-----------------------------**
NEO WALKS INTO LARRY'S APARTMENT, WHICH IS COVERED IN TV SCREENS THAT ARE PLAYING A CHEESY PORNO FILM
Larry: Whoops. Uh, hi. I'm Larry. I created the Matrix.
Neo: Does that mean... you created COOKIES?
Larry: Sure, yeah, whatever.
NEO LEAPS ON LARRY
Neo: See my name tag? Isn't it purdy?
Larry: -squints and tries to read name- Nee... neee... ho... ko... Neehoko!
Neo: I'm special. See my third nipple?
Larry: Ooh, kinky.
NEO CUDDLES UP TO LARRY
Neo: So, why am I here, Lazzo?
Larry: -giggles- I don't remember. You smell nice.
Neo: It's J-Lo's new fragrance.
Larry: I LOVE J-LO!
Neo: She is so HOT!
LARRY HITS PEN AND ALL THE TV SCREENS PLAY THE "JENNY FROM THE BLOCK" MUSIC VIDEO
Neo: But, you know, I already have a bitch.
Larry: I have two.
Neo: NO WAY! HOW?
Larry: Well, the Oracle is my Sex-Toy, and my beloved Keyman is my boy-toy. Rawr.
Neo: Um, Larrykins, can I be another of your bitches?
Larry: Only if you dump that neuter Trinity. Oh, speaking of her, she's about to die.
Neo: WHOA, BACK IT UP HERE, DUDE.
Larry: Do you know, you've been glomping an old man for the past ten minutes and you haven't even asked what the hell you're doing?
Neo: Trinity's going to DIE? THAT MEANS NO MORE SOCK PUPPET GAMES!
Larry: Did you know that there were five other Ones before you?
Calli: SHARE THE LOVE!
Nain: Just don't share the love if it's in disease form.
Larry: She's going to die, and you're too pussywhipped to do anything about it.
Neo: I am not pussywhipped!
Larry: Shut up.
Neo: Okay, Lazzo. I gotta go save my bitch.
Neo: Lataz!
Larry: But you have to choose the right door! WAAIT!
NEO IGNORES LARRY BUT PAUSES AT THE DOOR
Neo: If I were you, I'd stop releasing those porn pictures of myself. It's just wrong.
Larry: But I want you to stay so I can smell and cuddle you!
Neo: Oh, okay. -leaps into Larry's arms-
Larry: By the way, the door on your left leads to the salvation of your bitch. The door on your right leads to the salvation of the rest of humanity.
SCENE CUTS TO TRINITY BEING PURSUED BY AGENT
Trinity: Whoah. Deja vu.
Trumpets: DAN DAN DAA DAAAAAAN!
Trinity: After something explodes, I will then proceed to kick some ass, as is customary of all action movies.
Explosion: Why the hell are you waiting for me? GO KICK ASS, GIRL!
TRINITY KICKS some MAJOR ASS
Security Guards: Do we get paid for this? WE HAVE KIDS TO FEED, YOU KNOW.
Wachowskis: Are you kidding? We've already blown 200 million dollars on this movie. All that happens is you die. Therefore, we are not paying you.
Security Guards' Children: WE'RE SO HUNGRY!
SCENE CUTS TO NEO AND LARRY AGAIN
NEO IS COVERED IN LIPSTICK
Neo: Well, I gotta go now, Laz.
Larry: Tata, my little butterfly! I will love you forEVA!
Neo: Sorry, my heart belongs to Tinky Winky.
NEO DOES THE BADASS FLYING THING
Trinity: Excuse me, I'm suspended in Bullet-Time here, can we get on with this, please?
Agent Bunny: Oooh, look, a rebel. Let's shoot at her!
Agent Fuzzy: Yes, lets.
TRINITY JUMPS OUT of a WINDOW
Agent Bunny: I wonder if I can still shoot at you while falling.
Trinity: My gunshots have perfect timing! Oops. Ow!
Stupid Members of Audience: Noooooo! Trinity's dead!
Neo: OH, NO, MY BITCH!
Trinity: OH, SOCK PUPPET!
NEO CATCHES TRINITY AND AGENT BUNNY SMASHES THE PRISCILLA BUS
Mitzi Del Bra: Oh, damn.
CUT TO ROOFTOP PLACE THINGIE
Neo: Sorry. I got tied up with Larry. Literally.
Trinity: Who?
Neo: Uhh... nevermind.
Trinity: I'm dying, bitch.
Neo: NO MORE SOCK PUPPET?
Trinity: Don't be sad, bish.
Neo: I suppose Larry and me can play the game with the rubber duckie
Trinity: I'm sorry.
Neo: About what?
NEO PULLS THE BULLET OUT OF TRIN'S STOMACH
Trinity: OW!
Trinity: Uh, you told me not to go into the Matrix. And I did.
Neo: I told you not to, you fool.
Trinity: Well, I suppose I should die now, since my death scene is even longer in the next movie. Bye, sock puppet.
TRINITY DIES
Neo: Okay. For the sake of the shippers, there has to be something I can do.
NEO STICKS HIS HAND INTO TRINITY'S CHEST
Calli: She's already dead, you sexy idiot.
Nain: If you leave her alone, you can have US!
Neo: But I want Tinky Winky And Larry and Trinnypoo!
NEO DESPERATELY TRIES TO REAWAKEN TRINITY
Calli: Oh, for the sake of humanity...
Neo: No! Anything but you two!
Calli: You're supposed to grab her heart and bring her back to life, dammit.
Neo: Oh.
SCENE CUTS TO PRETTY SHINY CODE. NEO STICKS HIS HAND INTO TRINITY'S CHEST AND GRABS HER HEART
Trinity: Neo, I thought we discussed sticking your hand into my... hey! I'm alive!
Neo: Can we make out?
Nain and Calli: OUR EYES!
Trinity: My mouth is full of blood, but sure!
TRIN AND NEO KISS PASSIONATELY, MUCH TO THE DISGUST OF THE REMAINING CINEMAGOERS.
CUT TO THE NEBUWHATEVER
Neo: So, yeah. The Oracle is just some weird old black lady who gives me candy.
Morpheus: MY DREAMS ARE SO SHATTERED. NOW I'LL NEVER BE GOD OF ZION.
Link: You mean Goddess of Zion... Err... nothing.
Neo: And by the way, that thing flying toward us is a bomb, so we should probably leave.
Trinity: You think?
CUT TO FREAKY SMOKY EARTH SURFACE PLACE
THE NEBUWONK BLOWS UP
Morpheus: Dammit. This day just keeps getting worse and worse.
Trinity: And you didn't even get coffee this morning.
Morpheus: THAT'S RIGHT! I DIDN'T! I'M GOING TO MY TRAILER!
Neo: It's the squids. But I can feel them. They have...
Trinity: NEO!
NEO PUTS HIS HANDS OUT TO STOP THE SQUIDDIES AS THEY APPROACH
Trinity: Ohmygod, it's ZION IS WITHIN A MATRIX!
NEO SHOOTS THE SQUIDS, THEN FALLS TO THE GROUND
Trinity: I should have said something meaningful. Oh well.
MORPHEUS RUNS OVER, WEARING A FEATHER BOA AND CARRYING A MUG OF COFFEE, WHICH HE POURS ON NEO
Morpheus: LYK OMG! WAT HAPEND 2 DA 1?
Trinity: He fell down.
Neo: -sniffle- I fell down go boom!
Trinity: You're supposed to be unconscious.
ZeeGrandPoobah: Neo: Oh, yeah. -slumps over again-
Link: Hey, it's the Mjolnrrrrrrrrrr!
Morpheus: The Hammer?
Link: That's what I said. The Mjolnrrrrrrrrrrrr.
THEY ALL HOP ON THE HAMMER
M.C. Hammer: Welcome to my ship.
Roland: It's MY ship!
ZeeGrandPoobah: M.C.: Is not, foo'!
Roland: You suck.
SCENE CUTS TO THE HOSPITAL-Y AREA
Maggie: Well, his vitals are stable, but by the looks of it he's having porn-star dreams.
Trinity: Will this madness ever end?
Maggie: Not while there are massive audiences to show this movie to.
Trinity: Dammit.
Maggie: Why don't you go and get some rest?
Trinity: Bitch.
SCENE CUTS TO THE MEETING-Y AREA
Roland: Lock was right--
Morpheus: Pompous prick...
Roland: Blah blah blah screwed blah
Mauser: Five ships went down, thanks to the EMP blah blah
Colt: blah blah blah
Link: This is so boring!
Roland: This movie was full of boring lines!
Ham-Man: I would like to say that this is a very boring scene.
Roland: Oh, by the way, there was only one survivor.
Link: Only one?
Roland: Didn't I just say that, you tool?
SCENE CUTS TO BANE, SMIRKING AND TWITCHING.
~~~~TO BE CONTINUED~~~
The fifteen minute credits roll, and many people get up to leave the cinema. They're annoyed at having sat around for two hours to watch a movie with no proper ending. Someone throws MnMs at the screen in anger.
A short preview for Revolutions shows.
Oracle: Everything that has a beginning, has an end...
Neo: That is like so totally profound!
Voice Over: The Matrix: Revolutions, soon to be parodied by Callisto Lockaway and Nain Sahriko... With guest appearances by Tinky Winky, the Pomegranates and our favourite Oracle! Coming soon.
by Nain and Calli
-----------------------------**
NEO WALKS INTO LARRY'S APARTMENT, WHICH IS COVERED IN TV SCREENS THAT ARE PLAYING A CHEESY PORNO FILM
Larry: Whoops. Uh, hi. I'm Larry. I created the Matrix.
Neo: Does that mean... you created COOKIES?
Larry: Sure, yeah, whatever.
NEO LEAPS ON LARRY
Neo: See my name tag? Isn't it purdy?
Larry: -squints and tries to read name- Nee... neee... ho... ko... Neehoko!
Neo: I'm special. See my third nipple?
Larry: Ooh, kinky.
NEO CUDDLES UP TO LARRY
Neo: So, why am I here, Lazzo?
Larry: -giggles- I don't remember. You smell nice.
Neo: It's J-Lo's new fragrance.
Larry: I LOVE J-LO!
Neo: She is so HOT!
LARRY HITS PEN AND ALL THE TV SCREENS PLAY THE "JENNY FROM THE BLOCK" MUSIC VIDEO
Neo: But, you know, I already have a bitch.
Larry: I have two.
Neo: NO WAY! HOW?
Larry: Well, the Oracle is my Sex-Toy, and my beloved Keyman is my boy-toy. Rawr.
Neo: Um, Larrykins, can I be another of your bitches?
Larry: Only if you dump that neuter Trinity. Oh, speaking of her, she's about to die.
Neo: WHOA, BACK IT UP HERE, DUDE.
Larry: Do you know, you've been glomping an old man for the past ten minutes and you haven't even asked what the hell you're doing?
Neo: Trinity's going to DIE? THAT MEANS NO MORE SOCK PUPPET GAMES!
Larry: Did you know that there were five other Ones before you?
Calli: SHARE THE LOVE!
Nain: Just don't share the love if it's in disease form.
Larry: She's going to die, and you're too pussywhipped to do anything about it.
Neo: I am not pussywhipped!
Larry: Shut up.
Neo: Okay, Lazzo. I gotta go save my bitch.
Neo: Lataz!
Larry: But you have to choose the right door! WAAIT!
NEO IGNORES LARRY BUT PAUSES AT THE DOOR
Neo: If I were you, I'd stop releasing those porn pictures of myself. It's just wrong.
Larry: But I want you to stay so I can smell and cuddle you!
Neo: Oh, okay. -leaps into Larry's arms-
Larry: By the way, the door on your left leads to the salvation of your bitch. The door on your right leads to the salvation of the rest of humanity.
SCENE CUTS TO TRINITY BEING PURSUED BY AGENT
Trinity: Whoah. Deja vu.
Trumpets: DAN DAN DAA DAAAAAAN!
Trinity: After something explodes, I will then proceed to kick some ass, as is customary of all action movies.
Explosion: Why the hell are you waiting for me? GO KICK ASS, GIRL!
TRINITY KICKS some MAJOR ASS
Security Guards: Do we get paid for this? WE HAVE KIDS TO FEED, YOU KNOW.
Wachowskis: Are you kidding? We've already blown 200 million dollars on this movie. All that happens is you die. Therefore, we are not paying you.
Security Guards' Children: WE'RE SO HUNGRY!
SCENE CUTS TO NEO AND LARRY AGAIN
NEO IS COVERED IN LIPSTICK
Neo: Well, I gotta go now, Laz.
Larry: Tata, my little butterfly! I will love you forEVA!
Neo: Sorry, my heart belongs to Tinky Winky.
NEO DOES THE BADASS FLYING THING
Trinity: Excuse me, I'm suspended in Bullet-Time here, can we get on with this, please?
Agent Bunny: Oooh, look, a rebel. Let's shoot at her!
Agent Fuzzy: Yes, lets.
TRINITY JUMPS OUT of a WINDOW
Agent Bunny: I wonder if I can still shoot at you while falling.
Trinity: My gunshots have perfect timing! Oops. Ow!
Stupid Members of Audience: Noooooo! Trinity's dead!
Neo: OH, NO, MY BITCH!
Trinity: OH, SOCK PUPPET!
NEO CATCHES TRINITY AND AGENT BUNNY SMASHES THE PRISCILLA BUS
Mitzi Del Bra: Oh, damn.
CUT TO ROOFTOP PLACE THINGIE
Neo: Sorry. I got tied up with Larry. Literally.
Trinity: Who?
Neo: Uhh... nevermind.
Trinity: I'm dying, bitch.
Neo: NO MORE SOCK PUPPET?
Trinity: Don't be sad, bish.
Neo: I suppose Larry and me can play the game with the rubber duckie
Trinity: I'm sorry.
Neo: About what?
NEO PULLS THE BULLET OUT OF TRIN'S STOMACH
Trinity: OW!
Trinity: Uh, you told me not to go into the Matrix. And I did.
Neo: I told you not to, you fool.
Trinity: Well, I suppose I should die now, since my death scene is even longer in the next movie. Bye, sock puppet.
TRINITY DIES
Neo: Okay. For the sake of the shippers, there has to be something I can do.
NEO STICKS HIS HAND INTO TRINITY'S CHEST
Calli: She's already dead, you sexy idiot.
Nain: If you leave her alone, you can have US!
Neo: But I want Tinky Winky And Larry and Trinnypoo!
NEO DESPERATELY TRIES TO REAWAKEN TRINITY
Calli: Oh, for the sake of humanity...
Neo: No! Anything but you two!
Calli: You're supposed to grab her heart and bring her back to life, dammit.
Neo: Oh.
SCENE CUTS TO PRETTY SHINY CODE. NEO STICKS HIS HAND INTO TRINITY'S CHEST AND GRABS HER HEART
Trinity: Neo, I thought we discussed sticking your hand into my... hey! I'm alive!
Neo: Can we make out?
Nain and Calli: OUR EYES!
Trinity: My mouth is full of blood, but sure!
TRIN AND NEO KISS PASSIONATELY, MUCH TO THE DISGUST OF THE REMAINING CINEMAGOERS.
CUT TO THE NEBUWHATEVER
Neo: So, yeah. The Oracle is just some weird old black lady who gives me candy.
Morpheus: MY DREAMS ARE SO SHATTERED. NOW I'LL NEVER BE GOD OF ZION.
Link: You mean Goddess of Zion... Err... nothing.
Neo: And by the way, that thing flying toward us is a bomb, so we should probably leave.
Trinity: You think?
CUT TO FREAKY SMOKY EARTH SURFACE PLACE
THE NEBUWONK BLOWS UP
Morpheus: Dammit. This day just keeps getting worse and worse.
Trinity: And you didn't even get coffee this morning.
Morpheus: THAT'S RIGHT! I DIDN'T! I'M GOING TO MY TRAILER!
Neo: It's the squids. But I can feel them. They have...
Trinity: NEO!
NEO PUTS HIS HANDS OUT TO STOP THE SQUIDDIES AS THEY APPROACH
Trinity: Ohmygod, it's ZION IS WITHIN A MATRIX!
NEO SHOOTS THE SQUIDS, THEN FALLS TO THE GROUND
Trinity: I should have said something meaningful. Oh well.
MORPHEUS RUNS OVER, WEARING A FEATHER BOA AND CARRYING A MUG OF COFFEE, WHICH HE POURS ON NEO
Morpheus: LYK OMG! WAT HAPEND 2 DA 1?
Trinity: He fell down.
Neo: -sniffle- I fell down go boom!
Trinity: You're supposed to be unconscious.
ZeeGrandPoobah: Neo: Oh, yeah. -slumps over again-
Link: Hey, it's the Mjolnrrrrrrrrrr!
Morpheus: The Hammer?
Link: That's what I said. The Mjolnrrrrrrrrrrrr.
THEY ALL HOP ON THE HAMMER
M.C. Hammer: Welcome to my ship.
Roland: It's MY ship!
ZeeGrandPoobah: M.C.: Is not, foo'!
Roland: You suck.
SCENE CUTS TO THE HOSPITAL-Y AREA
Maggie: Well, his vitals are stable, but by the looks of it he's having porn-star dreams.
Trinity: Will this madness ever end?
Maggie: Not while there are massive audiences to show this movie to.
Trinity: Dammit.
Maggie: Why don't you go and get some rest?
Trinity: Bitch.
SCENE CUTS TO THE MEETING-Y AREA
Roland: Lock was right--
Morpheus: Pompous prick...
Roland: Blah blah blah screwed blah
Mauser: Five ships went down, thanks to the EMP blah blah
Colt: blah blah blah
Link: This is so boring!
Roland: This movie was full of boring lines!
Ham-Man: I would like to say that this is a very boring scene.
Roland: Oh, by the way, there was only one survivor.
Link: Only one?
Roland: Didn't I just say that, you tool?
SCENE CUTS TO BANE, SMIRKING AND TWITCHING.
~~~~TO BE CONTINUED~~~
The fifteen minute credits roll, and many people get up to leave the cinema. They're annoyed at having sat around for two hours to watch a movie with no proper ending. Someone throws MnMs at the screen in anger.
A short preview for Revolutions shows.
Oracle: Everything that has a beginning, has an end...
Neo: That is like so totally profound!
Voice Over: The Matrix: Revolutions, soon to be parodied by Callisto Lockaway and Nain Sahriko... With guest appearances by Tinky Winky, the Pomegranates and our favourite Oracle! Coming soon.
