Author Note: Well this is my very first fic, I hope you like it. I didn't mean for this really to be funny so I don't care if you think it's awful, please don't take it too seriously or spout on about them being ooc (out of character).
Dedicated to: Anya wood (I hope you don't mind about the hippie thing, update!!!!!)
EVERYONE READ HER STORY; IT'S WAY BETTER THEN MINE!
Disclaimer: Hp (Harry Potter, not the brown sauce) is 100% Jk Rowling's (although many (including me) reckon she stole some of the ideas off other great authors).
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Chapter 1: Onboard the Hogwarts Express, somewhere in the middle of England.
Harry: So here I am, back on the train to my favourite place in the world: SCHOOL, and I can say that while still being incredible popular because I'm HARRY POTTER, local celebrity, wonder-boy and a sickeningly nice guy.
(AN: Ego trip alert!!!)
Harry: Hey shut up!
(Hermione struts into the scene)
Hermione: Hello all, it's me, and finally after 4 years of being the class know-it-all I've reformed, realised my outstanding lust for you Harry and discovered the L'Oreal counter at my local department store!
(Flutters eyelids)
(Ginny appears)
Ginny: Yeah but did you have to wear it all at once?
Hermione: You just don't understand, just (dramatic pause) because I'm worth it (another dramatic pause) and your not!
Ginny: Well at least I don't look like the crossbreed offspring of Christina Aguilera and a paintbrush.
Hermione: Why you little ugly Chinese stoat!
(Starts hitting her with juicy tube lip-glosses)
(Ron appears)
Ron: 'Lo all, I am the new and improved 'Shakespearian actor Ron' and to annoy everyone for no apparent reason I shall add '–eth' to the ends of words just to sound like a prick-eth! Fantastic-eth or what-eth?
(Malfoy marches in)
Malfoy: Oh get over yourself ginger nut.
Ron: How dare-eth you insult-eth my hair-eth colour when yours look-eth like you got your head accidentally-eth stuck in a car polishing-eth machine……-eth.
Malfoy: Oh do shut up………….
(Black out involving a lot of weird wavy lines)
Hermione: Oh dear, it seems some unknown evil villain with a strong dislike to the object of my affections has possessed the train.
Ginny: (overly sarcastic) Gosh Hermione, whatever shall we do?
Malfoy: Brace yourselves readers, this is the part where she reports the excruciatingly long list of all the random books which she read, just by coincidence, over the holidays and will now remember, word perfect, how to get out of this situation!
Hermione: Well yes as a matter of fact, just by chance yesterday I was reading the 'Big Book Of Train Possessions' and on the 5th chapter, 4th line down, 3rd word in, 1st syllable it was mentioned but, stereotypically, I'm not going to tell you what it said until it's too late, gosh I'm smart! Did you know I have an extensive library of this sort of book and, even though, due to the fact they're muggles, my parents shouldn't know about the amazing 'world of witchcraft and wizardry,' every summer I somehow manage to get to Diagon alley and buy large amounts of random books which just manage to fit in perfectly with whatever happens in the coming year!
Ginny: Oh do shut up!
Malfoy: Yes mudbood, if you are really that smart then tell me what I'm about to say… (Smug grin)
Hermione: Well, in 'Malfoy, common quotes, habits and facial expressions' (which I just happened to be reading on the way to the station), your most common phrase in this situation was 'Crabbe, Goyle, beat them up.' (Even smugger grin)
Malfoy: Ha wrong, in fact I was planning to say 'God I'm hungry, I wonder where that slave of a woman is with the sweets trolley' but good guess all the same.
Harry: Erm, reality check, can we PLEASE get back to the matter in hand? If Voldemort's possessed the train then where's he going to take us?
(Cue creepy voice over with A LOT of diffused green light, a very eerie feeling and a smell a bit like window cleaner)
Voldemort: Well, I'm taking you to my favourite place in the world…
(AN: Brace yourselves for something very ooc, Anya Wood this is especially for you.)
…my groovy, pshycadelic, Austin Powers-esc love pad!
(AN: See what I mean, apologies all round.)
Harry: Oh well, (fake groan) I suppose this is my chance to save the school, receive infinite amounts of points for Gryffindor shooting me to hero status and, of course, getting my name read out in assembly.
Voldemort: Oh shut up Potter, everyone knows you adore the attention and glory. Talking of attention, shouldn't your scar be hurting now?
Harry: Oh yeah, (collapses on the floor) Oh my scar! Oh the blinding pain of it all! My head…oh, I think I've gone blind!
Hermione: Ohh you poor soldier, do you want me to kiss it better…mwah…mwah
(Proceeds to cover his whole forehead in 'cherry blossom' #21 lipstick)
Harry: Oh for the love of…Gerroff, Christ, it doesn't hurt that much. It's a good thing you don't wear blue lip-gloss or I might have been mistaken for one of Boudicca's followers!
(AN: She was a zena-esque ancient warrior who's armies wore tons of blue war paint and very little else!)
Voldemort: Um…anyway, I shall proceed to transport you all now to my incredibly groovacious sauce pad…when you get there please take note of my new neon pink faux fur and inflatable seats in the shapes of objects that I'm not allowed to talk about on such a low story rating. Be prepared for wavy lines…
(wiggly squiggly zigzag lines fly everywhere)
…told you so.
Ginny: Oh god, talk about a hangover nightmare!
Ron: How-eth do you know-eth what a hangover feel-eth like-eth.
Ginny: It's a long story involving a lot of kangaroos on dope, a flying banana and hemaroids with hair and teeth (collective shudder) i.e. I'll tell you later.
Hermione: Dear god, it's like a creepy mix of a hippie incense shop and Willy Wonker's chocolate factory!
Voldemort: Don't you adore it? I decorated it myself!
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Well that's it folks for this chapter, I hope you liked it and if you leave me a nasty review, prepare to catch a nasty disease where rashes appear in places you never thought humainly possible.
Nice reviews however will get your name on my 'here be thanks' list! (I'm a nice person really!)
Thanks for reading.
xxx
