AN: Yes, I'm back, this chapter….. well, wait and see!
Disclaimer: No, I'm not JK, duh.
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Harry: I'M SICK TO DEATH OF FLOATING AROUND CYBERSPACE, LET ME GO HOME!
Hermione: Harry, you really should see someone about managing your anger!
Harry: WELL IT'S NOT MY FAULT I'M A SPASTIC HAIRED, GLASSES WEARING ORPHAN AND I DIDN'T GET A GIRLFRIEND UNTIL I WAS 15!
Hermione: Yeah yeah, we know.
Harry: WELL I'M JUST SOOOOO LONELY! (smashes head against imaginary cupboard door)
Author: Ah well it's obvious what can solve that…….
(Cue annoyingly good looking/funny/smart/sporty/blonde/Mary Sue cheerleader with the added bonus of having an interesting accent)
Mary Sue: Weill Heillo Eveirybodie! My Naime is….. Kalistabelle Mariadne Isabella Banana-Smoothie Rainbow Mushroom Princess Jasmine Xylophone Dumbledorian Decaloriac Riddle-me-timbers Potting Shed Hydrochloride Sulphate Smeg-alo! Pleised to meit you.
Anyone still reading: *blink*
Mary Sue: Why yeis, I am the illegal offspring of Severus Snape and a camel, Voldemort's sister's cousin's daughter's house elf's niece twice removed, the true heir of Gryffindor, granddaughter of a part veela, part blue tit and I also take part in Professor Trelawny's occasional lesbian romp! Weill isn't liefe fun!
*Readers are starting to get very annoyed by her part Finnish, part Mrs Doubtfire accent. Harry, Ron, Malfoy and the rest of Hogwarts' male student body, however, proceed to fall desperately in love with her and try to kill each other as an outlet for their typically over-the-top hormones*
Ginny: Well isn't this just great, the boys have all fallen head-over-heels in love with a bimbo who, undoubtedly, will turn out to be one of Voldemort's henchmen slash undercover spy! Hermione and I are Hogwart's only hope, and we shall save the school……..once I've finished manufacturing a gigantic ball of twine.
Hermione: Ooooh, let me help!
Readers: Noooo, you must save the school so that we can go and eat our tea with a sense of happiness and well being!
(Mary Sue begins her mating ritual, beginning with the world renounded gorilla dance / hula competition. The boy's jaws drop in a sort of Finding Nemo / 'Im hungry, let's eat some flies' fashion.)
Hermione: Ooh, here the twine fades from beige to browny-beige! How exciting!
Readers: Goddamn you!
(Mary Sue has now managed to somehow adorn a very revealing cheerleader outfit and is doing a pro-Voldemort cheer)
Mary Sue: Voldemort,
He's the best,
If you like him
I'll undress!
*Author is very impressed by her fluky talent of writing god awful cheers*
Male percentage of Hogwarts: Voldemort! Voldemort!
Hermione: And now it fades back to beige! Gosh.
Readers: Please!
Ginny: We should really do something….
Hermione: Yeah, I know.
(Hermione picks up the giant ball of twine and lobs it at Mary Sue's perfect face.)
Mary Sue: Miey face! My beauteiful face! (produces a mirror and studies the slight blemish on her nose) I'm HIEDIOUS! (The boys snap out of their trances)
Harry: Hey, what just happened? Why can't I remember anything in the past 10 minutes?
Ginny: Blame blondie.
Hermione: Let's unite and kill her!
*Reader's blink at Hermione's sudden out of character psychotic moment*
Ginny: OK!
(They kill her, it isn't pretty. It's a mini adventure*.)
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*Apologies if you are lost, it's on an advert for mini's, enough said.
Here be thanks:
Citcat299
Laterose: good to see you liked Dumbledore's bits! (Sorry, just had to make that public)
Slytherinspirit
Le Pamplemousse: GRAPEFRUIT!!!! All hail the grapefruit god!
Thom Verdace: Quite.
Until Next time my friends!
TSL x
