--REUPLOADED 11/04/04 (because the formatting was annoying the hell out of me.)
A/N: This is an idea that's been bugging me for a while now. As we found out in GoF and OotP, Severus Snape has not had an easy life. He was bullied at school, and probably at home, and I know as well as anyone that that hurts like nothing else. So, the premise of this story is that Severus made a promise to himself that he would commit suicide on his 50th birthday to free himself from the pain of his life. It does get kinda fluffy in parts, because it also features Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy, who I've made the same age as Severus so that they would have known each other at school.
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Ars Moriendi (The Art of Death)
By Belladonna Sinistra
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone
--Linkin Park, 'Easier To Run'--
Severus Snape leaned back in his chair, yawning, and winced as he felt his back pop. He looked over at the clock on the wall. Nearly dinner time. He had been sitting in his office all afternoon, going over various documents he had found whilst going through his desk. Some would need to be dealt with, others could wait until hell froze over for all he cared. He stood up, stretched again, straightened his robes, and left to go down to dinner, making sure to seal his office behind him.
Hogwarts was so much better without the students, he thought. No-one dropping Dungbombs, no-one yelling or shoving each other, no fights over who had taken someone else's seat – just the peace and quiet of living with a relatively small group of adults who mostly kept out of each others' space.
A few teachers who didn't have families of their own, Snape included, lived at Hogwarts permanently. These few were now milling about the Great Hall. Professor Sinistra, with whom Snape usually sat at mealtimes, waved to him, and he raised his hand in return, then went to his usual dark corner to wait until the doors were opened for dinner, which didn't usually happen until Albus Dumbledore decided to drag himself away from whatever was so fascinating in his office. Snape had spent long hours pondering what the Headmaster could have in his office that would make him want to stay up there for hours at a time, but the results he usually came up with were always slightly disturbing, to say the least. In fact, the last time Snape's mind had wandered in that direction, he hadn't slept for three days. 'Maybe I should get out more…' he thought to himself. Lucius was always wanting to drag him to some exciting place or other, which usually ended with them collapsing onto a park bench in a drunken stupor and waking up cold and stiff next morning with some old tramp yelling at them to get off his bench. Yep, Lucius Malfoy knew how to party.
Finally, Albus Dumbledore came sweeping down the staircase towards them. He really did sweep in the most dreadful way, mused Snape. What a drama queen. The doors to the Hall opened, and the staff followed the Headmaster up to the top table, where steaming dishes of food were waiting for them. Snape took his usual place beside Stella Sinistra and helped himself to his favourite dish, chicken and mushroom risotto. He made sure to take the time to savour its creamy texture and cheesy tang – you never know, your next bowl of risotto might be your last. When the puddings arrived, Snape immediately went for the chocolate fudge pudding. Chocolate had gotten Severus Snape through some of the toughest times of his life, and he wasn't giving it up for anyone. Neither was he giving up coffee. The house-elves had provided him with a large mug of his favourite drink, which he, Lucius and Narcissa had developed whilst at school to help them get through the ungodly amount of work they'd had to plough through in their last few years at Hogwarts, and was referred to as Hot Mud™, due to the fact that you could stand a spoon in it. Stella was looking at him with one eyebrow raised.
"Severus, that can't be good for you, you know."
"Stella, you say that every time I drink this stuff, and you know I always ignore you. Why do you keep trying?"
"Just to annoy you" she replied, smiling sweetly at him. Snape simply sneered at her and went back to his Hot Mud™. Stella rolled her eyes and pulled a dish of crème caramel towards her.
After dinner, Snape went back to his study. He'd put off what he was about to do for quite a while, and it was only fair that he made a start on it fairly soon. He sighed, pulled a piece of parchment and his favourite self-inking quill towards him, and began to write.
18th July, 2012
Dear Lucius and Narcissa,
As the two of you are, and have always been, my closest friends, I feel that it is only right that you should be the first to receive this piece of news. As you know, August 7th is rapidly approaching. I do hope you remember what I had planned for this particular birthday.
My life has not been wonderful. My father was horribly abusive towards both myself and my mother, which was of course the cause of my mother's suicide. I had hoped to find a place of solace and comfort at Hogwarts, but certain people who shall remain nameless made sure that didn't happen. The Dark Lord promised me a release from my painful memories, but ultimately didn't keep his promise. The only people who were ever able to offer me comfort were the two of you, and I thank you for that from the bottom of my heart.
However, the time is fast approaching for me to take my release into my own hands. I don't know what is waiting for me, but all I know is that it can't hurt me any more than my life has to date.
I love you both, and I wish you all the best for the rest of your lives.
Yours,
Severus.
He folded the parchment and placed it into an envelope, wanting to send it quickly in case he changed his mind. He called down his owl, Mephistopholes, whom he had brought down from the Owlery earlier. Attaching the letter to the bird's leg with a thin strip of leather, he gave it a gentle pat on the back before releasing it into the night. He sighed softly, and turned away from the window as Mephistopholes disappeared into the darkness.
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A/N: Well, what do you think? If anyone's interested, Hot Mud™ consists of coffee brewed to quadruple-strength with condensed milk added. Please R/R!!
