A/N: The song is "Vietnam" by Pink, from the album Mizzundastood.
I wish I could hate her. Sometimes I think I do. When he's in bed with me, and he closes his eyes and I know he's thinking about her. Like he couldn't even come when he would open his eyes and realize it was me.
And sometimes I'm grateful. If she had never treated him this badly, if she hadn't pushed him away and made him go to those vampirewhores he never would have noticed me. Hell...we wouldn't even have met.
But we did...and he was broken. He tried to be in control of his feelings but she nearly killed him. And that's where I came in. I nursed him, listened to him when he told me about her.
I could hate her back then. I hated everything about her, from her pretty blonde hair to her slayerstrength. Just hearing him talk about her, noticing how he tried to keep himself from breaking down when he told about all the things she did to him.
I tried to fight his battle. He couldn't hate her, eventhough she had turned him from a strong and faithful marine into a broken and defeated shadow of a man. I tried to hate her for the both of us but I failed. It was never enough. I was never enough.
I knew going back to Sunnydale would just stir up memories. I couldn't help feeling as if I would lose him, but then again I wasn't sure if he was ever mine to begin with. He still loved her. I could feel it in everything he did. Everytime he made me feel dissapointed cause I just wasn't her.
It wasn't like he did it on purpose. Oh no. He did everything to prevent me from feeling that way. He was attentive, sweet, caring. But it was too much. He was too caring, too attentive...too sweet. It was forced, and I could see it in his eyes.
His guilt.
His embarrassment.
His dissapointment.
He was like a man dying. There was nothing in his eyes. No love, no life.
Only when he was fighting. He was different then. Belize made him feel alive. Almost dying made him feel fucking alive.
And I felt hurt. I fought next to him and sometimes I wished I would just die to stop the hurt. I knew that as long as I lived I would love him.
~~**~~
What do you expect from me?
What am I not giving you?
What could I do for you to make me OK in your eyes?
This is my Vietnam
I'm at war
They keep on dropping bombs
And I keep score
~~**~~
And then I met her. I met the slayer. The girl I utterly and totally despised for ruining my husband...ruining an innocent man's life and not caring about it.
I tried to keep hating her when I met her. But when I saw her fight, I realized I had been wrong all along. She didn't love him...not cause she wouldn't...but cause she couldn't. She wasn't like us. She didn't choose for this life, it chose her. I saw her fighting and I realized that maybe...I was the lucky one. I would be able to hold on to this guy I loved, never fearing that he would leave me.
Cause he wouldn't.
And I wasn´t kidding myself. I knew he wasn´t staying cause he loved me. He wasn´t staying cause he needed me or wanted to be with me. He was staying cause he had nowhere else to go. Cause he couldn´t go back to her. He was staying with me cause I loved him, eventhough he didn´t love me back.
It made me think of him and Buffy. She could never love him, and he could never love me.
Irony...what a bitch that is.
I wish I could hate her. Sometimes I think I do. When he's in bed with me, and he closes his eyes and I know he's thinking about her. Like he couldn't even come when he would open his eyes and realize it was me.
And sometimes I'm grateful. If she had never treated him this badly, if she hadn't pushed him away and made him go to those vampirewhores he never would have noticed me. Hell...we wouldn't even have met.
But we did...and he was broken. He tried to be in control of his feelings but she nearly killed him. And that's where I came in. I nursed him, listened to him when he told me about her.
I could hate her back then. I hated everything about her, from her pretty blonde hair to her slayerstrength. Just hearing him talk about her, noticing how he tried to keep himself from breaking down when he told about all the things she did to him.
I tried to fight his battle. He couldn't hate her, eventhough she had turned him from a strong and faithful marine into a broken and defeated shadow of a man. I tried to hate her for the both of us but I failed. It was never enough. I was never enough.
I knew going back to Sunnydale would just stir up memories. I couldn't help feeling as if I would lose him, but then again I wasn't sure if he was ever mine to begin with. He still loved her. I could feel it in everything he did. Everytime he made me feel dissapointed cause I just wasn't her.
It wasn't like he did it on purpose. Oh no. He did everything to prevent me from feeling that way. He was attentive, sweet, caring. But it was too much. He was too caring, too attentive...too sweet. It was forced, and I could see it in his eyes.
His guilt.
His embarrassment.
His dissapointment.
He was like a man dying. There was nothing in his eyes. No love, no life.
Only when he was fighting. He was different then. Belize made him feel alive. Almost dying made him feel fucking alive.
And I felt hurt. I fought next to him and sometimes I wished I would just die to stop the hurt. I knew that as long as I lived I would love him.
~~**~~
What do you expect from me?
What am I not giving you?
What could I do for you to make me OK in your eyes?
This is my Vietnam
I'm at war
They keep on dropping bombs
And I keep score
~~**~~
And then I met her. I met the slayer. The girl I utterly and totally despised for ruining my husband...ruining an innocent man's life and not caring about it.
I tried to keep hating her when I met her. But when I saw her fight, I realized I had been wrong all along. She didn't love him...not cause she wouldn't...but cause she couldn't. She wasn't like us. She didn't choose for this life, it chose her. I saw her fighting and I realized that maybe...I was the lucky one. I would be able to hold on to this guy I loved, never fearing that he would leave me.
Cause he wouldn't.
And I wasn´t kidding myself. I knew he wasn´t staying cause he loved me. He wasn´t staying cause he needed me or wanted to be with me. He was staying cause he had nowhere else to go. Cause he couldn´t go back to her. He was staying with me cause I loved him, eventhough he didn´t love me back.
It made me think of him and Buffy. She could never love him, and he could never love me.
Irony...what a bitch that is.
