The Odyssey - The Land of the Lotus-Eaters

written by Ayokaeu

based on the Odyssey by Homer

based on a verbal RP by Ayokaeu and TheBoredOne

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Harken fans beware.

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Heath and his men were back at sea but Athos, aka Zeus, the god of all gods, brought up a storm to punish our hero.

"Look Brammi, it's that idiot Odysseus! He's stolen the heart and time of my dear daughter, Athena! He has plundered cities! He hates his own men as if they were his enemy! He--" shouted Athos.

"Daddy!! I don't like Odysseus!! I like Jaffar!" exclaimed Nino.

"Who's Jaffar? You like Odysseus. You follow him around. You talk to him. Blah blah blah.. How come you never spend anytime at home with your dear old mom and pop anymore?" asked Athos.

"Um.. well.."

"Um well is not a good reason, young lady!"

"But--!"

"I WILL RAISE UP A STORM AGAINST ODYSSEUS!!" thundered Athos.

"..."

Athos walked as briskly as a man his age can into his kitchen. Pulling out his best, biggest, and most glittery cauldron, he began to fill it with various things from his many shelves. "Hm... magnet bracelets.. golf balls.. a grow-your-own-sea-monkey-kit.. English breakfast tea grown in India.." About twenty minutes later Athos heaved the giant pot over to the kitchen window. He carefully tipped the pot, pouring the contents outside, right over Heath's ship.

"Master Odysseus!"

"What is it, Harkenus?" said Heath. They were on deck, sitting in woven chairs and drinking ice-cold lemonade.. Or.. at least Heath was drinking lemonade. Nobody quite knows what Harken was drinking.

"Do you want to hear my theory about the Earth, sir?"

"Suuuure."

"Well.. I've been thinking, master, that the Earth is not flat!"

Nod.

"And.. and.. don't laugh at me.. but I also believe it spins!" cried Harken.

"That's nice."

"And, you know what else? I think.. I think that the Earth goes around the sun! You know like how when you push the little silver lever thing in the outhouse the water goes vrooooosh and the water goes round and round.. Well.. the sun is like the drain thingy and the earth is like the uh.. uh.."

"Yes?"

"What was that word again? The earth is like the.."

"Master, Odysseus! Look! Look!" Nathan ran over to the captain, pointing at the sky.

"Hm?" Heath looked up. "Oshitoshitoshit..."

Harken brightened up. "That's it! That's the word! Thank you, master Odysseus!! So, so.. what do you think of my theory? Good? Bad? I think perhaps I should write it down.. If only I knew how to write! I could send it in a bottle or something--"

"Have bottles been invented yet?" asked Merlinus.

Harken went on. "And.. I could throw the bottle in the sea! If we don't get home, not saying that we wont but just to be safe, the bottle would get somewhere and then someday in the future someone could read it and-- and--!"

"It's getting closer, captain!" yelled Nathan.

Heath's eyes were fixed on the greenish-blue mass of something falling very fast towards his ships.

Harken tugged on Heath's tunic. "Master Odysseus! Are you listening??"

"Look up, stupid!"

"Huh? What's that? Ooohh it's pretty.... Is it a birdie? OW!" The squishy thing leaped off Harken's back and rose into the air above Heath's boat. It began to rain. Cats and dogs. Really.

After a week of sailing, the rain stopped. Harken had lost all of his memory. The rest of the crew had gone about their way recalling the events in his life. Harken's 'memory' was something like this:

Harken was born in Greece. His mother was a doberman and his father was a mixed breed. When he was five he went to an all girl's school. When he was eight he had a boyfriend named Erk. At the age of thirteen he decided to have a sex change because he felt like a man in a woman's body. He and Erk broke up. His parents died and the economy was dying so at age sixteen he dropped out of school and spent the next five years as a prostitute. He wasn't making a lot of money (he didn't make any money, actually) so he gave up and joined Heath's crew to fight in Troy.

"Do you really think he's going to believe that?" said Heath to Vaida.

"Sure, why not?"

"Um..nothing." Heath turned to look out the window. "Hey..."

"Yes, master Odysseus?"

"LAND!!!!!! I see land!" cried Heath. He pointed out the window westward. A small forest was sprawled out lazily near a golden beach. He could sea natives dancing on the shoreline.

They landed.

Two huge, muscular, ugly men walked up to them.

"Hi! My name is Bartreus!" said the first.

"And my name is Dorcus!" said the second.

Bartreus spoke again. "And we're here to welcome you to the LAND OF THE LOTUS-EATERS!!!

"Yes, yes." agreed Dorcus. He held out a platter of flowers.

Heath strained his neck looking up at Dorcus. "Um.. thanks for the flowers? My name is Odysseus, from Ithaca. We've been at sea for a week now and our food is running low? Do you have anything to eat?"

Bartre weaved the "LAND OF THE LOTUS-EATERS" sign in front of his face.

"Um... is that a kind of grasshopper or something?"

Dorcus shoved the flower dish into Heath's hands. "Be happy!"

"..."

Heath turned to Harken. "Hey.. Harken!"

"My name is Roy," said Harken.

"Um... okay. Roy, would you try one of these flower thingys?"

"Okay!" Harken walked over to the flowers, picked one up, and put it in his mouth. "Mmmmmm.... tastes like.. like... Isadora.."

"WHAT?!" yelled the paladin.

"Mehehheheeee! Masster Odyssssssseussss! I like this place!"

"Um.. yes.. It's very nice."

"Better than Kansasssss! I never wanna go home!" exclaimed Harken as he danced around them, smiling like Sain.

"Where's Kansas?"

"Um.. ssssomewhere ssssssouth of Osssssstia. I think." He held out a flower to Heath. "Try it, massssster! Hey..... why isss your sssskin green? I ssssmell applessssssss...."

"..."

Heath turned around and started to run really fast towards his ships. The crew followed.

"Hey! Master Odysseus! The script says we need to bring Harkenus!" said a random archer.

"Leave him."

"But!"

"No time!"

"What are we running from?"

"Drug dealers!"

"What?"

They sailed away from the beach. Dorcus was still offering them flowers.

"Okay.." said Heath. "We got no food but at least I got rid of Harkenus.."

"No we didn't," stated Merlinus.

"What?"

"Marcus rescued him and they're in the mess hall now trying to get him back to normal."

"Normal.. ha.." Heath went to his cabin to sulk.

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Please review! Next stop: The Cyclops!