Blood Sugar Sex Magic
(A/N: Hi all! Hope you enjoy the fic. It's AU – basically, what would have happened if Tetsuo hadn't had his accident with Takashi and he, Kaneda and Yamagata had got hauled off to reform school? – and it involves yaoi, that is boy/boy coupling. If you don't like, don't read, and don't flame either because all it does is make me laugh. There is also straight coupling – mainly Tetsuo/Kaori.
This fic was created because of a dream I had so it is kind of weird (any accusations of me having a perverted mind will be ignored). Much thanks must also go to my brother Nik who thought up a lot of the main plot twists (so blame him if you hate it – j/k). The title is © Red Hot Chilli Peppers, but bears no relationship to the song they wrote. I just like the phrase. All the characters in this chapter are © Katsuhiro Otomo.
One final thing – I'm British, and over here, we don't use ratings such as NC-17, R, etc. So if anyone thinks I've misjudged the rating and this is really an NC-17 (I don't think it is though) please tell me in a review or e-mail me. Don't go reporting it to ff.net – I love my account and want it to stay as it is!
Anyway, please r+r!)
Chapter One – Love Sugar Blood
Three pairs of feet kicked aside the Coke cans and plastic bottles cluttering the cracked pavement. Then there was a yell up to a pale, drained sky. "Yeah! Freedom!"
He waited. The school was empty, and it whispered with silence, and the sunlight spilled through the corridors, carrying specks of dust.
It was too damn quiet. He shouldn't be here –
It's fine to be here. I want to be here.
Old chewing gum wrappers, silvery backing glittering in the sunlight, scuffed around his feet as the wind flicked at his hair. Then a car purred into the parking lot, and sent the rubbish scurrying for cover, and scattered dust, warm, over his face.
Kaneda kicked a crushed drinks can down the street, a grin bursting over his face. "Three months of reform school food; I'm surprised we ain't dead."
"Me too." Tetsuo, walking a little way behind him, smiled as well. "I'm almost looking forward to school food after that shit!"
"You're easily pleased, Tetsuo. I care more about my bike –"
"What if they sold it?"
"Then I'm stealing it back. It's mine, dammit!"
Yamagata, who was walking along the top of the crumbling wall next to them, called, "Hey, I wonder what the rest of the gang've been doing?" He stopped, and squinted at the graffiti-spattered concrete around them, which was drenched with afternoon light.
"Probably not much." Tetsuo snorted. "Will you look at all the Clown tags?"
Kaneda shrugged and considered it for a moment before another grin hit his face. "Hey, we're back now. We'll kick their asses from here to the Harukiya. Man, things are gonna be so great…"
"Hey, we can drink again!" Yamagata yelled, jumping off the wall, a spatter of red dust flying up from his feet.
The car slid to a halt next to him. The driver glanced at his face enquiringly, then reached across, and opened the passenger door, and he clambered inside, keeping his eyes on the upholstery. It was dust-coloured, and worn, threads fraying away from it like mould.
He didn't like looking into their eyes because he didn't want to see them laughing – or grinning like this was a damn game –
That thought was too dark, too angry, so he tried to ignore it. He was thinking too much, and he knew why. The others were getting freed today, and so he'd never have to do this again, and so this was the last time ever, the last time he'd stare at his feet or the floor to avoid someone's eyes, the last time he'd wait behind in silent school. Yeah. Pity it couldn't be a bit more glamorous, this last-time-ever. Pity it couldn't feel like the last time. Pity it just felt like normal.
The car smelt of fluff, crumbs, air freshener, and the seat he leant against was flavoured with perfume, and there was a soul singer warbling through static on the radio. He wondered who else had sat here, and if they'd done what he was going to.
The motorway glowed in the sun as they tore down it, and the city glittered and giggled as the light flicked its windows. Sure, from here it all looked perfect, didn't it? Neo-Tokyo. A new, better future, rising from the rubble.
It's full of rot and mildew and broken glass and it sucks.
Oh, will you shut up? He closed his eyes a moment, took a slow breath of the warm, stale air. The guy better not live too far away.
"So where're we gonna go first?" Kaneda looked from Yamagata to Tetsuo, his eyes shining as if the air was making him high. "Tetsuo, don't even mention Kaori – you can see her any time –"
Tetsuo rolled his eyes. "I wasn't going to. We should go see Kai."
"Yeah," Yamagata said. "Tell him the good news."
And the other good news," Tetsuo said, glancing from him to Kaneda.
Yamagata and Kaneda glanced at each other, and grinned, and Yamagata slung an arm round Kaneda's shoulders.
"You two don't think he'll actually be bothered, do you?" Tetsuo said.
"Hey, it wasn't anything," Yamagata said. "Just a joke. Just a crush. He'll be fine. It's some of the others who might be funny about it…"
"Like I care what any of those morons think!" Kaneda hollered to the washed out, yellow sky. "Don't worry. We're free!"
Laughing, the three of them continued down the street until they vanished among the buildings of Neo-Tokyo.
It was a nice house. Fancy. Fresh flowers on the table, soft carpets with no holes in, shiny wallpaper he wanted to peel off. He wondered why the guy wasn't using somebody more high-class. Surely he could afford it?
Hey, it didn't matter. He was the one being paid.
This was like the last damn day of term or something. He just wanted it to end, and then to walk out into the sunlight and go back to being normal.
But time slowed, and as he climbed the stairs the air felt thick and slow as syrup.
But they're out there, he thought. Somewhere. They're out there. They'll be back.
He'll be back.
And I can stop doing this.
But I don't mind it. I don't.
However bad it got it had to be better than lying alone.
But soon – like in an hour or so! – he'd have his friends back again, and he wouldn't have to be on his own – ever – ever –
They'd reached the bedroom. Weak spring sunlight slid through a gap in the curtains. He walked through darkness.
His host watched.
He started to undress, and felt the warm air ooze over his skin like mud.
Still he was watched. But that didn't matter, that was what he was here for.
His fingers, suddenly trembling, scrabbled at the buttons of his shirt, and then he slid it off to join the rest of his clothes. And then hands grabbed his shoulders and pulled him down into the shadows.
And then he was lying tangled in clean sheets, and his mind flew out of his body and scampered around the room looking at the flower pictures on the walls, running its fingers over the dusty dressing table, twitching the curtains, the curtains sewn with needles of sunlight.
And then it was over, and he was dressed again, and walking out of the front door, eight crumpled five hundred yen notes clutched in his sweating hand. The guy hadn't wanted to meet his eyes now. Some of them didn't. That bedroom hadn't smelt of old socks. There was probably a wife or a girlfriend somewhere.
Not my problem, he thought, as the door slammed shut behind him. He walked through the neat front garden, the scent of the grass cuttings sharp in his nose. It was getting warm. Summer'd be here soon.
And he'd be back with his friends, and he'd never, never wait behind after school again.
He reached the pavement, and walked down towards the bus stop. The air was dry, and his throat ached for a drink.
By the time he'd got home, the sun had faded, and the sky had turned grey-purple. But he kept his eyes on the ground, turning up the collar of his jacket as the breeze wrapped around his neck.
Lurking on the other side of the street was the small, concrete dorm which he had never called home. He scurried across to it, dodging cars, and crept up the steps.
The dark hallway was empty. He hopped over the scattered shoes left on the floor, listening to the silence. Far away, someone's radio was playing, but apart from that, nothing, until the echo of his footsteps as he started climbing the three flights of stairs.
He would go into his room, and put the money away; and then he'd go take a shower; and then he'd go and see if there was any food around; and then he'd go back to his room, and…
He turned the corner, and started climbing the last four steps.
"Kai? Hey, guys, he's here!"
It was them.
All three of them, leaning against the wall outside his room. Tetsuo was standing at the top of the steps, leaning over the banisters. Kaneda had been picking at the paint on the walls, but now he stopped and hurried forward.
And Yamagata stood in the corner, watching.
Kai swallowed. His heart was beating too much; quick, heavy thumps, forcing blood through his body and up into his face where it throbbed as blushing.
Want to hug him – want to touch him – want to know it's really him –
No. There wasn't a right time for that sort of pathetic shit.
He stared at them, and even as he thought they're back, oh thank you they're back, he knew it wasn't going to work. This wasn't the right time for anything. If they'd come later he could have got clean, put away the money hissing in his pocket, pretended he was just the same as when they'd left. This was too early. He wasn't ready.
"Wow," he said, and wrenched his mouth into a grin. "They cut your hair."
All three of them looked unnaturally neat. Kai felt mildly pleased that they looked different too. Maybe they wouldn't notice any of his differences.
Tetsuo ran a hand through his hair, mussing it up, and smirked. "Well, they ain't got their hands on it no more. Freedom rules."
"Where've you been?" Kaneda said. "We've been waiting hours."
"Sorry. I didn't know when they'd let you out."
"I guess. So, what's happened to the gang? We saw way too many Clown tags around."
Kai shrugged. "There ain't a gang now. We needed a leader. And you guys are the best riders, right? The others stopped going out so much. Two of them joined up with the Carburettor Boys…I think another got picked up by the cops…"
"What about you?" Kaneda asked.
"Me?" Kai swallowed, and tried to speak casually. "I don't ride any more."
"You what?" all the three of the others yelled.
"I don't ride any more. Didn't seem much point."
"What happened to your bike, then?" Yamagata said.
"I didn't sell it or nothing. It's in the yard downstairs."
"Good," Kaneda said. "Cos we don't need you jumping ship as well. Man…didn't realise I was so important to you lot."
Kai shrugged, and stared down at his feet again, and wondered why he was feeling guilty.
"So…uh…what was it like in there, anyway?" he said.
"Boring as hell." Kaneda grinned again. "Having these two helped, but it still weren't nothing to write home about."
He glanced back, at Yamagata, and then said, "Uh…Kai…we got summat to tell you."
"What?"
Kaneda folded his arms, let his eyes wander up so that they didn't quite meet Kai's, pasted a nonchalant expression on his face, and said, "Me and…no. Yamagata and I…we're going out. So anyway, how did –"
"You're going out?"
As he spoke each word, he concentrated on the taste of the letters, because he didn't want to understand the meanings.
"Yeah. Uh…you don't mind, do you? I mean, it's not, like, serious, it's just a bit of fun, y'know, and it's not like I, uh, swing that way, it's just, uh…"
"Why would I mind? Hah, Yamagata must've been spiking our drinks or summat, that's why we're all making puppy dog eyes at him." And he grinned, to show Kaneda it was okay.
"You got me." Yamagata shook his head. "You sure you're cool about it, Kai?"
"Course he is," Kaneda said. "Anyway, we gotta go find our bikes – they impounded 'em or something – or get some new ones – you coming?"
"No. I'll see you tomorrow?"
"Hey, you could come
out tonight."
"No."
They stared at him.
"Okay," Kaneda said at last. "See you tomorrow. You still in school?"
"Yeah. Are you?"
"Dunno if they want us back. Heyy…we could be seriously free!"
"Don't get carried away," Tetsuo said as the three of them walked towards the stairs. "More like they do want us back. Now we've had a taste of "real" punishment they're hoping we'll have turned into teachers' pets, right?"
"Well, whatever. Anyway, I ain't going in tomorrow. I'm gonna get totally wrecked tonight, and I'll need some recovery time!" Kaneda grinned. "I'll see you around, then, Kai. Okay?"
Kai nodded, and watched as they walked down the stairs, and noticed that Kaneda had an arm round Yamagata's waist.
Don't look. You don't want to look.
They stopped as they reached the corner of the stairs, and Kaneda pushed Yamagata up against the wall, and kissed him hard.
Don't touch him – Kaneda's hands on Yama's shoulders like he owned him or something – ugly hands – ugly red jacket blocking the sun symbol –
But Yamagata was letting him do it – and why shouldn't he? He ain't got anyone else – leaning back, mouth warm and grinning under Kaneda's, holding Kaneda's waist –
Best friends becoming something more. That was supposed to be proper, real, last-for-ever love-me-love-me fucking true love.
Kai turned and walked into his room, and shut the door behind him.
Any minute now, he was going to care.
He wouldn't care. For three months he hadn't cared about things. Why change?
I can't stop doing the other stuff now. Today wasn't any different after all.
He'd pretended it had been friends he'd been missing, friends that would save him and make him normal again. But it wasn't. It was Yamagata and it always had been.
And now the guy was back and even further away than before.
Why did he care? Why the hell did he care?
I don't need you. I have all the people I'll ever need.
He stood in his room. The air was turning dark and smoky as the sun set. Feelings surged in his chest like eels. And any minute now they'd twist too hard and snap his ribs open and he'd die of them.
Oh no. No feelings were going to get the jump on him.
He sat down on the rickety chair by the window. It creaked, and one leg trembled slightly. And he rested his head against the glass a moment, staring out at the darkening yard below. There was his bike, under a dust sheet in the corner.
Why had he stopped riding?
Because it had hurt –
It used to be all right.
Once engine glitter and petrol smell and roars of bikes had been everything.
Something that always lit up the days, and put a smile on his face however bored or lonely he was.
And then he'd found other people who agreed with him, and that had been even better. Together they'd burnt up the boredom and torn tyre marks down the city's face.
And then the others had been arrested, and it hadn't been the same without them – it hadn't been fiery any more, it had been miserable, it had just made him feel even more lonely than he already was.
And then he'd started doing other things, found other people, and then biking had accused him, reminded him what his friends would say if they knew what he did…
He didn't miss it now. No. Who cared about anything?
But those feelings still writhed inside him, and he couldn't ignore them.
He would stop them. He would.
He got to his feet, and trudged over to his bed, and reached under the mattress, and took out something wrapped in a piece of torn sheet. Then he went to sit down again, and stared at the dark, angular skyscrapers, and, squashed above them, the murky sky.
Then he unwrapped the sheet, and picked up the scalpel that had been bundled in it. He'd pinched it from tech class, ages ago when they were still allowed blades there. He'd thought it looked a useful thing to have.
It was. He slid his jacket off, and drew the scalpel, gently as thread, across his arm. Blood swelled up from the slit, and he sat, and watched it as the air grew darker. Blood sea, that let out the eel-feelings, and left him dry and safe.
When he could no longer see the blood, and when the yard outside had started to glow with other buildings' light, he brought his arm to his mouth, and licked the blood away. It tasted sharp and sour. And then he put his jacket back on, and then he rewrapped the scalpel and returned it to its place under the mattress.
No. Now he didn't care. All it meant was that Yamagata was definitely no longer available.
And he'd never really been available in the first place. He'd always thought it was a joke.
Kai remembered the lunch hall, choked with the stench of vegetables and stale bread, voices rattling over the tables, and he remembered sitting slurping cold soup, surrounded by friends…
Kaneda had grinned, his eyes suddenly malicious, and said, "Kai, why the hell are you staring at Yamagata like that?"
"Like what?" He hurriedly tore his eyes away, back down into the soup. They didn't want to stop looking – they could look at Yamagata for years – but this was a survival thing.
"Like you're a dog and he's a bone," Tetsuo said. "You look hungry."
Kai felt his face grow red. "Why wouldn't I be hungry? This soup sucks."
"Damn straight," Yamagata said, grinning. "It tastes like –"
Kaneda shook his head. "Nuh-uh, don't try and change the subject. Kai's got a crush on our little Yama-kun…"
"No, I haven't –"
"Yes, you have," Kaneda and Tetsuo said.
"Prove it!"
"You're always walking with him –"
"You're always staring at him –"
"You always look really pissed if he's not there –"
"You keep ogling him when we change after gym –"
"And Kaori and all the girls say you have, and girls are always right about that sort of stuff."
"It's okay," Kaneda said as Kai glowered at them. "It's not like we care; long as you don't start wearing make-up or summat. We think it's sweet, don't we? Really, really sweet…"
Kai had taken his soup spoon, and flicked a lump of drowned carrot into Kaneda's eye. The resulting food fight had been one of the best in his own personal history, and the cold soup had helped to cool down the blushes blazing over his face.
They'd been right. They'd been right. He did like Yamagata. Really, really like him with that hopeless, warm, crimson love – puppy love – sunlit love – sappy, pathetic, goofy love – a biting love that wouldn't let go.
Now they knew about it.
But afterwards, when they were walking home, damp and sticky with vegetable soup, their skin smelling of spinach, Yamagata had waited until Kaneda and Tetsuo, still sniggering, had gone, and then said, "So…uh…were they right, then?"
Kai froze, his stomach suddenly as cold and damp as the soup had been, and stared down at the dusty pavement.
"Kai?"
And suddenly he was bleeding words and he couldn't stop. "Well, y'know, it's, uh, it's not like I was gonna say anything, but, I'll stop, if it bugs you, not that I was doing anything anyway –"
"Kai, it's okay! Cool it. I don't mind."
"You – you don't?"
"Hey, how could you resist me?" Yamagata preened, and laughed as Kai shoved him. "Don't worry, you can stare all you want. It's like a walking advert for me."
"Jerk."
"Now I know it's nothing more than a crush. If it was true love, you'd be agreeing, y'know, sayin' 'sure, Yamagata, what I like best is walking along with you making you look great' –"
"I'd also be brain-dead. Give me some credit –"
"Hey, I thought it was worth a try."
Kai laughed. "So it's okay for me to stalk you, then?"
"Sure. As long as you don't do heavy breathing phone calls after three a.m. I need some sleep."
"Gotcha."
They walked on a little further.
Then Yamagata frowned, and said, "Look, you do know, uh, I don't, uh, like you like that. I mean, you're my friend, okay?"
"Hey, sure." Kai shrugged. Burst my bubble, why don't you? But he'd sort of figured that was the case. Just being able to hang out with Yamagata was enough.
"I mean, uh…" Yamagata glanced up and down the street, and then said, quietly, "Guys are better than girls, y'know. For me."
"You're saying you're –"
"Yeah, but…sorry, Kai. I just…you're my friend. It'd be like, weird."
"Forget it! I wasn't gonna say nothing anyway." He smiled. "I'll just be your advert, like you said."
"Cool."
So he'd laughed. So he'd pretended it didn't matter.
At the time it hadn't. At the time it had just been a crush, something he could dream about and pretend while knowing nothing serious would ever happen.
Even if Yamagata was…well. He didn't like to think about that, cos that opened up too many stupid sappy ideas that you shouldn't be having about crushes.
It was only after Yamagata had left that he'd realised he needed that crush because – well, because who else cares about you anyway – no, he just liked having the guy around was all.
And he still needed it –
And Kaneda had taken it instead –
No.
No need to care.
Kaori paced her room, and tried to tell herself she wasn't nervous.
She hadn't been able to concentrate on anything today.
In class she'd kicked her heels on her chair legs, rapped her pen on her fingernails, and caught herself writing T 4 K hearts all over her workbook. What was wrong with her? She'd never done that even when he was there.
At lunch she hadn't been able to eat. She'd been sitting alone as usual, and every time anyone came in she looked up – and it had never been him. She'd felt herself blush, and the air had become acid with sniggering.
And then she'd come home, and spent the whole afternoon walking round her room, waiting. Her schoolbooks were spread out on her desk. She'd done one question on her homework. Her brain had struggled when she'd tried to tie it down to anything, so she'd given up and let it wander.
Today was the day circled on her Hello Kitty calendar. Today Tetsuo stopped being someone far away, someone locked up behind barbed-wire topped walls, and came back – became her life again –
Last night she hadn't been able to sleep. Her mind had glowed in the night with thoughts about him.
She rested her weight on her windowsill, and stared at the twilight sky. It looked so smooth. She'd love to open the window, and just step out into it. Wrap it around herself, and hope it calmed her down.
She glanced down from the sky to the dark, sparkling city. Maybe he was out there somewhere. Where could he be? She didn't want to keep looking at the city – it tormented her by not showing him to her – but you never knew, maybe suddenly he'd come down the street and see her watching – if she just waited one more minute –
But if he did see her, he might laugh. Maybe while he was in reform school he'd decided he didn't care about her. In which case, she shouldn't show too much that she wanted him back.
She stepped back from her window, and sat down on her bed.
It was so quiet. The city waited outside her window, whispering, but the sound was blocked out by the glass. It was so quiet and the air lay heavy on top of her and made it too hard to think.
He would come back.
And she wanted him to, of course. Tetsuo had been with her all her life. Since she was…nine, wasn't it? Him a big-eyed kid following Kaneda on nervous feet, her a straggly little thing who watched him from the corner of her eye and wished and wished he could be her friend.
And now he was. That was a lot of luck to start with.
The other girls laughed at her for not telling him to – to shut up, when he was rude to her. But how could she? If she did, he might be angry with her – he might go find some other girl who would be nicer to him –
And she needed Tetsuo in her life. She knew that – these three months had shown her that – without Tetsuo, she felt dead.
The other girls said she was just horny and she should go find some other guy, but it wasn't that. It wasn't just that she liked kissing Tetsuo. There was something about him – when she was near him, she was happy, even if he was calling her names or ignoring her. Even when she was nearly crying because he was mad with her, it was still better than being on her own.
Wasn't it?
Part of her had enjoyed the silence he'd left.
What if he came back and she'd changed and it all went wrong?
But if only he would come. Then she'd at least know for sure.
She stood up, and went and sat back down at her desk, and stared dully at the work on it. She'd stopped in a middle of a sentence, and that had been a mistake. Chewing her pen, and flicking a strand of hair out of her eyes, she tried to pretend she knew what she was going to say.
She didn't, and ended up drawing more hearts in the margin.
This was stupid! Why wasn't he here?
She was stupid. She was stupid to imagine he'd want to come and see her. He was probably out riding. Hanging with his friends. Sometimes she really hated his friends. They were funnier than her, smarter, tougher…They distracted him. They kept him away from her
Like now.
The light was slowly fading out of the air, and she couldn't see her own writing any more. The bulb in her room had blown two weeks ago, and she hadn't got round to telling the dorm mother. So this would be another late homework.
It didn't matter. None of it mattered. The only thing that mattered was that Tetsuo wasn't here. He didn't like her any more – and the darkness grew thicker, and she felt her mouth crumple, and saw, in the dimness, a tear drop onto her workbook and start eating through the paper.
Two hours later. The sky was deep, cool blue. Kaori crept back into her room, hair damp from the shower she'd just taken, unwrapped the towel from around her shoulders, and pulled on her nightdress, and got into bed. The sheets were cold and clammy, and smelt of mildew.
She'd been counting the days until now.
She'd woken up smiling.
She'd told herself nothing would ever go wrong again. She'd thought – she'd thought – she'd thought so much and she'd been stupid to hope. Stupid, okay? Because he wasn't here, he didn't like her after all, and it was just her and her room and tomorrow another empty day and another after that and he was gone –
She choked back a wail that was trying to rise up her throat, and lay flat, and stared at the blind, which glowed with city light.
He was out in those lights now.
More tears stung in her eyes. She blinked them away, and shivered.
There was a clatter as someone threw the door open – and she sat up, heart suddenly like gunshots to her chest – and saw him, eyes shadowed in the dark –
"Tetsuo!"
"Kaori…" He stared at her, and smiled slightly.
"I thought you weren't coming –"
"I had other stuff to do." He walked across to her, sat down on the bed next to her, took her hand. His skin was cold. Night-air cold.
"You've been out riding?"
"Uh-huh. After we got our bikes back from the impound. Had to wait in a damn queue for like three hours."
"Oh."
Why couldn't she think of anything to say? Why could she never think of anything to say? She wanted to flirt and make him laugh, but her mind was too empty, nothing in it but breeze and twilight.
"Are you okay?" she asked at last, shifting, pulling the sheet up around her a little more. "I mean – was it very bad in there?"
"Nah, course it wasn't. You're fine if you got friends." Tetsuo put his confident face on. Kaori didn't like that face. It wasn't his face, he'd pinched it off Kaneda or someone.
Part of her wanted to slap it off, and she was shocked at herself. She'd never hit anyone in her life.
Tetsuo was studying her face. "Kaori? You still awake?"
She met his eyes, and nodded. "Sorry."
Tetsuo shrugged. "Hey, I don't mind if you can't be bothered to keep your eyes open."
"I was awake!"
"Whatever." He gripped her hand – then let go, and put his hands on her shoulders, and kissed her. Headlights rushed over the dark ceiling.
Kissing in the night was different because her eyes said it could be anyone, but the rest of her knew it was Tetsuo. He tasted right. And her skin knew it was him. It was cooling, whispering with ice.
"I missed you," she said.
He shrugged, and kissed her again.
